Tom Cruise vs. South Park, The Church vs. the DaVinci Code, Punisher vs. Barracuda
Sorry I missed you last week. As the old adage says, "Spyware is a motherfucker." But now we're back; rested, re-dyed, and ready to work. (name that quote!)
Welcome back to the Idiot Box! That title used to refer to TV, as it was an all-TV column, but now it just refers to my misshapen, inbred skull.
Songs that Should Never be Covered, Ever (part one)
The first selection was "Big Balls" by AC/DC from the album "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap."
This week, we're going with "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen, as suggested by one of my readers. As he so astutely pointed out, Freddy Mercury can't be duplicated on *any of his songs* which is true. However, I feel that some of the more rock-oriented Brian May songs could possibly be covered by someone… but the songs that cater to Freddy's unique vocal style should be left alone forever, and no song better represents his weirdness and his range than "Rhapsody."
The Idiot Box Proper
Lots of little tidbits to cover this week. Let's get down to brass tacks, gentlemen…
Tom Cruise has lost his fight to stop an episode of South Park mocking his Scientology beliefs being shown in the UK. The Trapped in the Closet episode, which shows a cartoon version of Cruise being locked inside a cupboard, was shown at London's National Film Theatre on Monday. The show was originally taken off air by British TV network Channel 4 in January amid complaints. Organizers were thrilled the actor failed in his attempts to stop the free screening, which accompanied a talk given by creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker, insisting it was a display of free speech. A spokesman said, "If we were charging there may have been legal problems, but it was a free event, so it should be fine." After the screening, free copies of "Trapped in the Closet" were handed out.
Good for South Park. I don't have anything personal against Cruise… or at least, I didn't until he pulled this shit. And wasn't Cruise just saying a few weeks ago he had "nothing" to do with the episode getting yanked in the States? Anyway, he should know that when you make yourself a target then people are going to take shots at you. It's the price of being famous.
There was also a lot of talk about a Cruise-backlash keeping people from going to see the new Mission impossibly movie. And this may be true, but I have another theory. It's kind of crazy, but hear me out –
Mission Impossible 3 didn't do very well at the box office because Mission Impossible and Mission Impossible 2 were not very good. You can only expect people to be disappointed in a franchise so many times before they give up on it. I saw the first two in the theatre, and wouldn't even consider seeing this one in the theatre. ON DVD, no problem, I'll definitely check it out. But going out to see another lame MI movie, with a weak story, poor pacing, and action-packed stunts that only seem exciting the first time through.
There may indeed be a Tom Cruise backlash, as well, but I think the onus falls aquarely on a Mission Impossible backlash, created against humdrum summer blockbusters.
Lost co-creator J.J. Abrams, who temporarily left the series to direct Mission: Impossible III, says that those who took over the show have created an "incredible" season finale, due to air on May 24. In an interview with the New York Post, Abrams said: "The ending of this year in Lost blows the ending of last season out of the water." Abrams gave no hint about how the episode will unfold. "It's not out of the blue," he said, "but what happens at the very end of this year, for me, it's the greatest finale I have ever heard."
That is a bold statement. Very bold. But if this finale is even half as good as they make it out to be, then I will be a happy camper. LOST has really picked up steam this month, and looks to be heading towards an eventful closer.
People in Thailand wanting to see how The Da Vinci Code turns out will apparently have to buy a bootleg copy -- given that the film will be shown in Thai theaters with the last ten minutes removed. The decision to remove the ending -- thereby eliminating the denouement and leaving the "code" unsolved -- was made by Thailand's Film Censorship Board on Tuesday, following protests over the film from several Christian church groups.
If I were religious, I'd be offended. If I were Catholic, I would be outraged. Why is it, exactly, that the Church always thinks that their faithful parishoners are so stupid they can't think for themselves? Isn't that the message that is being sent here?
"Hi, this is the Church. Listen, we know that you all claim to have faith in god. And we also know that faith requires belief, not facts. But we just feel that you, the faithful, are too easily influenced, and shouldn't be allowed to see or hear anything that challenges our faith. Of course, having your faith tested makes you stronger in that faith, but we here at the Church just feel that you are all too stupid to be given that chance. Terribly sorry. The Management."
Maybe the church leaders just don't have strong faith themselves? Maybe they are so swayed by the arguments in this story that it makes them nervous. After all, the Bible is fiction, but it is accepted as fact because the worldwide knowledge of the stories it contains. So therefore, if enough people read Da Vinci Code and believe it, then eventually it will replace the bible.
I myself worship Crom, the God of Iron. Crom laughs at your Gods and their codes!
Kirsten Dunst is in negotiations to join Jack Black in "Be Kind Rewind." The move would reunite her with the film's director, Michel Gondry, who worked with her in 2004's "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind."
The story, by Gondry, follows a junkyard worker (Black) who attempts to sabotage a power plant that he believes is melting his brain. But his plan goes awry and the magnetic field he creates erases all of the videotapes in the local video store where his best friend works. Fearing that the mishap will cost his friend his job, the two team to keep the store's only loyal customer -- a little old lady with a tenuous grasp on reality -- from realizing what has happened by re-creating and refilming every movie that she decides to rent.
Ordinarily, I'd cringe at that description. But with the imaginative Gondry at the wheel, and Jables riding shotgun, it could be a wild ride.
Heel of the Week
Barracuda from "The Punisher" (Marvel Comics)
Barracuda is a huge, muscular dude with gold fronts that spell out the words FUCK YOU on his teeth. He already earned respect from yours truly during his intro, when he tells the woman in bed with him – "Bitch, if you ain't dead you better suck my dick and make me some motherfucking eggs." It turned out, she was dead. It's a shame about those eggs.
Barracuda is a mean mother shut yo mouth, no doubt about it. But is he in the same league as Frank Castle, the Punisher? That question was answered in the latest issue, when Frank and Barracuda finally bump heads – the result, an epic fight that lasts half the length of the comic, and delivers the goods better than any movie fight ever could.
When Frank stabs out one of ‘Cuda's eyes, he is impressed. When Frank chops all the fingers off of one of his hands, ‘Cuda is really impressed. When Frank chokes him half to death with barbed wire… then ‘Cuda finally gets pissed. And then with one eye and one hand, he finishes the fight and knocks Frank out.
Why doesn't Cuda kill Frank? Because he wants to feed him alive to some tiger sharks.
By the end of this issue, I had more respect for both Frank and Cuda. The heel put the face over, the face put the heel over.
And ladies and gents, we have a new Heel of the Week.
I'm using the blog to post updates and chapters on a crime novel. It's tough, violent, brutal in spots, even – but there is more going on than crime. Check it out
And after that, head over to theGainesville Sun
, where I write a weekly movie review column, and have for about the last five years or so. The latest review pretty sweet, if I do say so myself – This week, I look at the human side of terrorists, with "Munich" and "Sleeper Cell."
Off the same page you'll find a bi-weekly Podcast, featuring yours truly expounding upon B movies, music, and dumb shit with a couple of actual journalists. It's called Scene and Heard. This week we've got the lead singer of Sister Hazel on the cast with us, and throwing down in an iPod battle.
