Warped News 05.25.06: The Post-24 Edition
Posted by Cris Murphy on 05.25.2006
How is “24” like the NFL? You have to wait 7 months between seasons!
Well, I'm suffering my post-"24" withdrawal right now. The 2-hour season finale was Monday night. I drove an hour to my brother's house to watch it with him. The mere thought of Jack Bauer pointing a gun at the President's head and saying "If you don't think I'll put a bullet in your head, you don't know me" had me thoroughly giddy. Hell, I've seen Jack cut the head off a guy in the witness protection program. You think he wouldn't think twice about shooting the Weasel President? C'mon!
I know some of you have left the "24" gravy train because it get more and more preposterous each year. And I'll admit, the reality of the show is less plausible than in season 1. However, the stories don't go beyond believability and are as tense now as it was in the first season. It makes for great television. So, now I have to wait until January 2007 to see how Jack escapes his slow boat to China.
But enough of Presidential sex and Jack's "bag of goodies". It's time for another edition of the lauded column that does it's best to cater to the deep and shallow in us all. It's time for you to enter my sanctuary where I like to chill. To relax. To chillax. You want to hug it out?
What the hell is wrong with Bruce Willis?
Despite the fact that he had just announced that Die Hard 4 would be hitting theaters next summer, Bruce Willis is returning to his singing roots this summer as a guest on the Allman Brothers Band tour.
Starpulse.com reports that Willis, who scored a hit in the 1980s with his album "The Return of Bruno", will join the likes of Ben Harper, Robert Randolph and Peter Frampton as an onstage guest of the rockers.
The tour is set to be one of the biggest in America this summer after the Allman Brothers Band recently concluded a sold out, 14-night stint at New York's Beacon Theatre. The 26-date tour will kick off in Cincinnati, Ohio on June 26.
The re-return of Bruno is something I'm not anxious to see. He could play a mean harmonica, but that doesn't mean I want to see him "rocking out" on stage. His only real hit was a remake of "Express Yourself." Unfortunately, I bought that album. I was a big fan of his after "Moonlighting" and Die Hard. I was in jr. high and really stupid. Believe me, I won't make that mistake again.
I guess the point was lost in translation…
According to IMDB.com, many Cannes attendees had been forecasting that Sofia Coppola's Marie Antoinette, starring Kirsten Dunst, would turn out to be the sleeper at the festival. Unfortunately, after an early screening for the press, many thought it was a snoozer.
A thunder of boos erupted when the closing credits appeared, followed by a smattering of applause. At a news conference, Coppola insisted that she had intended to make a film that reflected life at the court of Versailles prior to the French Revolution and the life of the young queen in particular. She insisted that the film had no political intent (even though it argues that the French revolution was caused in large part by the costly decision of the king to send troops to America to support the colonists' revolt against the British).
One reporter observed that it seemed ironic that $40 million had been lavished on a movie that depicts royal decadence. Producer Steve Coogan responded that $40 million does not represent a decadent film budget.
He's right. $40 million is not a lot of dough in this day and age…especially for a costume drama. However, just because the youngest Coppola got an Oscar and had a film nominated for Best Picutre, doesn't mean that everything she touches turns to gold. Her father has made some of the best pictures in cinematic history, but he still has Jack on his record. She's a decent enough writer that one bomb won't hurt her street cred too much. However, if her next film does the same, her filmmaking career will be as long as her acting career.
Mutant=Gay…no Brokeback jokes allowed.
Sir Ian McKellen took inspiration for his role in X-Men: The Last Stand from society's treatment of homosexuals, because he was made to feel like an inferior outsider. According to WENN, McKellen has been openly gay since the 1980s, and he takes exception to the common assumption that homosexuals can be "cured" - and channeled his fury into the role of Magneto. In third X-Men film, Magneto leads the evil mutant's struggle against government plans to introduce a cure for their conditions.
Speaking at the Cannes Film Festival Monday, McKellen vented, "As a gay man, some people think that it ought to be cured and made normal again and I find it as offensive as someone saying that they have a cure for the color of their skin. This particular story was close to my heart; it has an important message to young people who may for one reason or another be disaffected with society because society points at their differences and says that they're inferior to the rest of us."
McKellen is hitting the Ellen DeGeneres level of annoying about his homosexuality. We know you're gay. Quit hitting us over the head with it. Don't be like Rosie McDonald.
And you thought they just surrender…
Britain's The Daily Mirror reports that Marilyn Manson was jumped by French cops when he tried to walk the red carpet for a film in Cannes. Officers thought he was a gate-crashing circus freak. I'm sorry but that's an acceptable reason for him. Manson was last heard trying to explain he was, in fact, "a famous rock star." Famous, yes. Rocker with any discernable talent, no.
You know what this program needs? Less cowbell.
Two Super Bowls and five months after Janet Jackson flashed her tit-junk to America, despite numerous attempts and several nearly unanimous votes, Congress has been unable to pass a law saying FCC fines should be hiked. The only increase in the Federal Communications Commission's indecency violation fines since the infamous 2004 Super Bowl was because of inflation, which allowed the agency to raise the penalty from $27,000 to $32,500 in September 2004.
In the latest attempt to get something done, the Senate voted unanimously late Thursday night, without fanfare, to raise the fines the FCC can levy against broadcasters by a factor of 10. Now the Senate and the House will have to work out their differences over how much the fines should be.
In the immediate aftermath of Jackson's flashing, it didn't seem as if it would take this long. The snowball of discourse on decency in broadcasting led Howard Stern to move to satellite radio, and the networks instituted several-second delays on live programming to give them a chance to weed out unlawful curse words.
The FCC fined CBS, the network that aired Jackson's costume malfunction, $550,000 — $27,500 for each of the U.S. stations that carried the indecency. But the argument went that $27,500 is a drop in the bucket for a company like CBS. If the bill passed by the Senate had become law, the fine for Jackson's malfunction would now be more like $5 million. And for CBS and their Super Bowl revenue…it's still a drop in the bucket.
Get ready everyone. If illegal immigration fizzles out as a hot button issue, it looks like the politicians have the next issue ready for distraction. By the way, how's everything going in Iraq?
Gam-er-ah is really neat. Gam-er-ah is full of meat. We love to eat our Gam-er-ahhhhhh!
You just got to love MST3K.
The Mainichi Daily News reports that the producers behind the Gamera franchise are facing allegations of violent abuse of turtles used in the making of the movie. Chiisaki Yujatachi Gamera, the story of a boy who raises a baby turtle until it grows up and becomes the gigantic radioactive turtle monster that saves the world by battling invading space monsters, is winning hearts and putting butts on seats.
But some claim that the making of the movie resulted in deaths or abuse of extremely rare African spurred turtles, which need to be raised in extremely cloistered environments. The movie's website boasts of how 13 actual turtles of various sizes were used in the making of the film and how they were treated kindly. "There was this beautiful woman on the production staff whose only job was to ensure the health of the turtles," the website claims. "They were given better star treatment than the stars themselves."
Movie credits also mention that none of the animals used in the filming were hurt, but turtles' rights campaigner Nao Saito argues otherwise. "I don't know whether it was because they were mishandled, but a large number of the smaller turtles used ended up receiving treatment at veterinary hospitals even while filming was still going on. Several holes had been opened in their shells so they could be used for the movie's flying turtle scenes,"
Saito, head of the Think About Land Turtles Association, tells Shukan Asahi. "The turtle keeper had detailed statements on her personal blog about how the turtles had died, but now those statements have disappeared, for some reason." Following the filming, many of the turtles used were sent to Izu Andyland, a turtle theme park on the Izu Peninsula just west of Tokyo. "It's true that tiny holes were opened in some of the shells for filming, but suggestions that this weakened the turtles and caused their deaths are absolutely preposterous," the turtles' handler tells Shukan Asahi.
Kadokawa Herald Pictures Inc., which made the Gamera movie, bitterly denies the claims of abuse. "Not a single death occurred," a representative of the filmmaker said. "All those involved in the movie are in agreement that the comments made…were all lies."
Holy sh*t, here come PETA to the rescue. We'll start seeing naked Japaneese girl holding signs in protest…wait a minute. They do that for just about anything now. I guess it won't have the same impact.
I'm a big fan of Gamera…at least what I saw on Mystery Science Theater 3000. He was a cute turtle who flew through the air with his shell spinning. As long as those cute little turtles don't get injured, I think we should just let Kadokawa do their own thing. Let Gamera rock it out with Godzilla and Ultra Man.
Sean Penn and Bob Villa Present: The Craftsman Tool of the Week™
This is the section where I find the biggest Hollywood tool in the news this week, and present their gallant journey into infinite toolness. This week's winner is THE CATHOLIC CHURCH.
WOW! I can't be serious, can I? The entire Catholic Church? Is this sacrilege? Only from one perspective. However, I feel the Vatican has earned this spot. First, it heavily denounced the DaVinci Code movie for its notion that Christ had married and making the Catholic Church out to be con men and villains. Of course, it would have been better to have at least SEEN the film before brandishing their opinion like a sword. Now that they've seen it, and it's not as interesting or demeaning a film as they thought, who's fault is it that they went haywire with the criticisms? Hollywood.
According to Studio Briefing, L'Osservatore Romano, the Vatican newspaper, implied this week that the Church had been maneuvered into contributing to a "gigantic marketing strategy" involving The DaVinci Code intended to increase ticket sales. Yeah, like it's their fault the Church decided to open their collective mouth.
In the end, the newspaper said, the film amounts to a dull version of Dan Brown's novel and the controversy "much ado about nothing." Thanks for joining the rest of the FREAKIN' world! The only reason people flocked to see this film is to see what all the hubbub was about. If the Catholic Church just decided to laugh it off as fiction…WHICH IT IS…and not get scared that it would lead to a global crisis of faith…WHICH IT WON'T…then the film wouldn't have gotten half of the box office it did worldwide. Lord knows I wouldn't have seen the film if it weren't for all the controversy.
My sister is devoutly Catholic, yet she had no problem in reading Dan Brown's book or letting her teenaged son read the book and see the film. She was confident in her own faith and her son's faith to see the book and film as fiction. Did it raise questions about their faith? Sure. But nothing that can't be answered. Faith is not something that simply exists or doesn't. It's created through life and forged with experience, logic, scholarship, discussion and belief. Testing your beliefs is the only way you can make your faith stronger. To be scared of a book or film shows how little faith the Catholic Church and some of its members have in its own congregation.
Plus, if you badmouth a film without seeing it and it's not as bad as you thought, you can't blame someone else for you opening your mouth. I badmouth films all the time. If I'm right, I'm right. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. It don't blame Hollywood for making me talk bad about a film, and then making me go see it to prove myself right…except for The Dukes of Hazzard.
For sticking a giant fleur de lie in their mouths, the Catholic Church is:
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BTW: If you're Catholic and are offended by this, I apologize. I do not wish to speak ill will of Catholics in general. Like I said, my sister is Catholic and defends her faith well. However, I feel the Vatican took all of this a little too personally and stuffed their foot in their mouths. That in and of itself doesn't make you a tool. It makes you like the rest of us. However, blaming others for forcing you to put your foot in your mouth makes you a tool. I have restrained from commenting on this film for various reasons, but I felt this passage of blame shouldn't go unmentioned.
Our Lady of Victory, pray for us!
A story of her not dropping a baby…
Singer and wannabe movie star Britney Spears has stopped studying Kabbalah, because she wants to focus on keeping her baby off the floor and because church leaders kept asking her for money. According to a report at IMDB.com, Spears was introduced to the faith, often described as Jewish mysticism, by Madonna in 2003.
However, she posted a message on her website last month, stating, "I no longer study Kaballah (sic), my baby is my religion." Literally dropping the ball both physically and spiritually. A source tells MSNBC.com's The Scoop, "She's tired of the way (Kabbalah leaders) kept hassling her for money. Actually, it was mostly her mother's decision. They were always asking Britney to tithe. There was a lot of pressure, and finally her mom said, 'Enough is enough.'"
It's nice to see yet another religion focus on the spiritual aspect of wallet diving. People talk about how Scientology pimps itself on the behinds of celebrities. However, everyone has forgotten how Kabbalah has done the same thing. Now, it looks to suck the life out of its followers just like Scientology. How long will it be before Madonna forces Guy Ritchie to make a Kabbalah film and freaks out like Tom Cruise.
Jack "Freakin" Bauer: Loveable Drunk
With the end of "24" for another season, CityBlog.com gives us a wonderful look at Kiefer Sutherland…otherwise known as everyone's favorite drinking buddy.
It would be nice to go out drinking with Kiefer one night. With the stash he's making right now, he'd pay for everything. However, you know that one night of drinking with him will last a lot longer than just one night. And I don't think my kidneys can take that type of abuse.
In case you haven't seen his dive into a Christmas tree, check out the jolly Greg Luganis here.
Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™
In my continuing search for more hits to my columns, I will offer up this news segment centered on nothing but a hot babe (or babes) to give me a reason to post very hot pictures of said hot babe (or babes). On with the googling…
Playboy boss Hugh Hefner surprised fans of legendary playwright William Shakespeare when he turned up at London's Globe Theatre for a tour of the prestigious establishment. According to ContactMusic.com, the 80-year-old Playboy founder showed up unannounced at the venue, which doubles as a Shakespeare museum, with his three girlfriends Holly Madison, Kendra Wilkenson and Bridget Marquardt, and Hef amazed tour guides with his in-depth knowledge of The Bard.
A Globe spokesman says, "Mr Hefner came on a private visit with several guests. They hadn't told us they were coming, but we agreed to give them a private tour." An onlooker adds, "He brought a photographer and several scantily clad girls, who were wearing stilettos. They were there a good hour and posed for photographs."
Well, you know the only reason I posted this was to get pictures of The Girls Next Door in this column. For more enlightened Playboy bunnies (and Kendra needs a lot of it), a photo tribute:
Steve Vicious has Stacy Keibler news, yet only a very small picture of Stacy Keibler. What's up with that? Go ahead and check out the latest Vicious TV News Wrap.
Finally, here's a unique way to market Star Trek. Have Charlie Murphy (of Chappelle Show fame) voice a cool Spock in "Star Trek Cribs – Director's Cut". Artwork – DOPE! Don't forget to look at the other Star Trek promos as well. Spock singing Bobby Brown is pure comedy genius.
Coming to a theatre near you…
New to theatres…
X-Men – The Last Stand: The only movie you need to see.
An Inconvenient Truth: Al Gore showing how he invented the documentary.
That's it for another day of movie and television news. Now that you've killed a good 15 minutes (more if you googled today), you can go back to work. I mean it. GO BACK TO WORK! If you're not at work, go back to googling. And here's something to help you out:
What the hell is wrong with Bruce Willis?
I guess the point was lost in translation…
Mutant=Gay…no Brokeback jokes allowed.
And you thought they just surrender…
You know what this program needs? Less cowbell.
Gam-er-ah is really neat. Gam-er-ah is full of meat. We love to eat our Gam-er-ahhhhhh!
Sean Penn and Bob Villa Present: The Craftsman Tool of the Week™
A story of her not dropping a baby…
Jack "Freakin" Bauer: Loveable Drunk
Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™
Coming to a theatre near you…
