Misunderstood Masterpieces: Jaws 3-D

Posted by Will Helm on 05.30.2006

…or, We Could Make It Funny, but Let’s Just Make It 3-D Instead

In 1975 – as was mentioned last week – Jaws came along and frightened movie-goers while breaking box-office records in the process. In 1978, Jaws 2 was released to a much more lackluster reception . . . fitting for a lackluster film. In the wake of the disappointing performance of Jaws 2, some genius – no sarcasm involved whatsoever – at Universal decided that the franchise's next step should be in certainly uncharted waters: comedy. As the story goes, the next film in the series was to be the National Lampoon-scripted farce Jaws 3, People 0, a total spoof on the Jaws films and a great counterpoint to tenor of the series.

Of course – unsurprisingly – somewhere along the line this idea was nixed by antsy superiors and faded away into obscurity. In its place, Universal planned to make the next Jaws a thriller in the vein of the first two . . . with one added wrinkle: it was going to be in 3-D! Why? Well, for some unknown reason, the 3-D movie fad – made famous in the ‘50s and ‘60s in films like 13 Ghosts or House of Wax – returned in the early ‘80s and the makers of Jaws 3 wanted to be part of that bandwagon. I suppose they heard that Star Trek III: The Search for Spock was going to be in 3-D and figured "if they can do that, we can do that too!" Another modification was made to the series along the way as all of the old actors were swept out in favor of younger and more different actors and, even, a reigning Oscar winner! Of course, the presence of an Oscar winner doesn't necessarily mean quality, but it can mean that Jaws 3-D may be a Misunderstood Masterpiece! As always, let's find out!

In a rocky, cloudy sea – one side effect of the 3-D processing is that it makes all subsequent, non-3-D transfers of the film slightly blurry – the fish are panicky once again. Then again, as learned last week, fish are always panicky, so that's no big deal. While the camera moves slowly through the murky water, a somewhat large fish explodes in a puff of blood directly in the center of the screen and its head – in a contrived 3-D-movie convention . . . at least it's not a paddleball – floats eerily closer and closer to the camera. Meanwhile, the coral at the bottom of the sea lies in wait . . . pretty much because that's the only thing it can do.

After the fish carnage dissipates, a hapless water-ski team skis by and rehearses their hackneyed routine. Yup . . . time to introduce the shark food. The HOT CHICK water-skiers giggle and wave at passersby for no particular reason other than to compromise their balance; a shark, knowing that the skiers are in a very precarious position, follows along, waiting for one to fall into the water. Everyone knows sharks are efficient killing machines, but who knew they were so patient? As the old adage goes, the shark's patience is rewarded as the skiers lose their balance and then they all plunge into the water! As an added bonus for the shark, the boat pulling them also elects to take that moment to break down, which can only mean one thing: it's dinner time! Or not, as the boat starts back up just before the shark strikes. Great; now he'll be hungry and pissed.

At a nearby pavilion, some old matron gives a bunch of nubile, young HOT CHICKS an etiquette lesson . . . because they're prospective Sea World employees! Whoa . . . that's a new take on product placement. Meanwhile, some nerdy guy shows off a model of Sea World's new deathtrap – I mean "underwater extension." In the adjacent lagoon, the water-skiers arrive and the shark – still starving and ticked from being teased by the skiers' short dip in the water earlier – follows. Elsewhere, Oscar-winner Lou Gossett, Jr., gives an interview because he was the individual responsible for Sea World's new, underwater deathtrap. Ah . . . now everyone knows who to direct the subsequent lawsuits and subpoenas to.

At the gate to the lagoon, Mike Brody (Dennis Quaid), Chief Brody's older son from the first two films, orders around some hapless welders and ironworkers. After whipping his men into shape, Mike Brody then heads over to another part of the Sea World complex to visit fake Viggo Mortensen and some HOT CHICK dolphin trainer. After a few cursory pleasantries, Mike takes his leave of those two and joins the designated love interest for the picture, cute-as-a-button marine biologist and whale trainer Dr. Kathryn Morgan (Bess Armstrong), who is busy – unsurprisingly – training killer whales. Mike gets all lovey-dovey with Dr. Morgan and makes a date with her for later in the night . . . which is going to be a threesome as Mike reveals that his brother Sean (John Putch) is coming to visit that evening. Mike, a little advice: you always want to try for the girl-girl-guy; never lobby for guy-guy-girl, especially when the other guy is your brother. That's just too weird.

Meanwhile, Lou Gossett, Jr., introduces his special guest for the film, cheesy documentary filmmaker Philip FitzRoyce (Simon MacCorkindale), who is supposedly on hand to shoot the opening of Lou Gossett, Jr.'s, giant, dangerous creation. While everyone is distracted by the presence of a stereotypically British guy – which Philip is and then some – Sean also arrives . . . and he's a cowboy for some reason. Ah, now it's obvious why Mike wants to go guy-guy-girl with his brother and Dr. Morgan: he doesn't know how to quit Sean. And I don't know how to shoehorn in Brokeback Mountain jokes.

That evening, while everyone else is out partying, one of Mike's hapless workers is tasked with fixing the gate to the lagoon; unfortunately, his wont of overtime is his undoing as a shark – trapped in the lagoon – eats him. Oh well; Mike's going to have a ton of paperwork waiting for him the next day. Speaking of Mike, he, Dr. Morgan, and Sean are busy partaking in an alcohol-filled dinner at the local bar; ah, how romantic. The waitress, serendipitously, just happens to be the now-deceased worker's wife – or girlfriend or mistress or something – and she's not happy that he's spending all his time at work being dead and she thinks he's cheating on him. Mike soothes her concerns and then Sean takes his leave to play some goofy bar game with the locals . . . and he bests Lea Thompson! Whoa . . . what's Marty McFly's mom doing here? Of course, like the mythological Atalanta, once Lea Thompson is bested, love blooms between her and Sean, so they join Mike and Dr. Morgan. Ah . . . now the man-to-woman ratio has improved for your group "endeavor," Mike.

Over at Sea World, two guys break into the complex for no discernible reason and . . . they've got a raft! Back at the bar, Dr. Morgan ends up paying the tab – it's the curse of being a well-paid and highly respected marine biologist – and then the foursome pairs off with Mike and Dr. Morgan walking to the beach while Sean and Lea Thompson plan on cavorting together. While, at Sea World, the mysterious guys on the raft are jumpy for no particular reason, Sean and Lea Thompson decide to go swimming while Mike and Dr. Morgan have a heart-to-heart on the beach. It seems that Mike has a new job waiting for him in Venezuela but he loves Dr. Morgan and wants her to come with him.

Meanwhile, in Sea World's lagoon, Sean and Lea Thompson strip down and then she steals his cowboy hat and dives into the water. Sean – even though Mike said he's terrified of water due to the events in Jaws 2 – follows along after her; I guess the awesome power of vagina is enough to counteract even the strongest phobia. Elsewhere, in a foggier part of the lagoon, the guys on the raft do something and one dives into the water for reasons unexplained. Maybe he lost a contact or something. Back at the other, clearer side of the lagoon, Mike and Dr. Morgan go looking for Sean and Lea Thompson and, once finding them, they play a lame prank on the two nearly copulating lovebirds. As for the guys with the raft, the shark eats the diver, the guy on the raft, and the raft as well. There's nothing like a three-course meal.

The next morning, Dr. Morgan scolds Mike and Sean for being lazy slackers over breakfast – wow . . . she must have inherited the spirit of Chief Brody or something – and then, after Dr. Morgan leaves, Sean nurses his hangover and sexual frustrations with copious amounts of coffee. Before he and Mike can share a little family time, a call from work for Mike interrupts and he exits, stage right. Over at Sea World, while trained dolphins rehearse, Philip the cheesy British filmmaker hits on Dr. Morgan and reveals himself to be not only a stereotype, but also an eco-terrorist and a burgeoning lothario. Luckily, his British filmmaker powers don't work on Dr. Morgan because she's not an idiot. Meanwhile, while Mike converses with his associates, the dead worker's wife or girlfriend or whatever shows up and yells at him because the dead worker never came home the night before. Luckily, Dr. Morgan is on hand to reassure the fuming woman so Mike can get back to work doing . . . something.

Mike and Dr. Morgan, curious as to the whereabouts of the dead worker, decide to go into the lagoon to look for him. In order to expedite their search, they commandeer a bitchin' submersible for the task and the overly protective trained dolphins follow along for moral support. While Mike and Dr. Morgan troll the briny deep, a desk clerk watches terrible special effects from inside the lagoon's command post. Since there's only a few places where the dead worker could be, Mike takes the intervening time to give Dr. Morgan a tour of the facilities. Ah . . . killing time with needless exposition; there's nothing like it.

After Mike and Dr. Morgan get to their destination, the leave the submersible to search a little closer, but the dolphins try to convince them otherwise. Hmm . . . since Dr. Morgan probably knows that dolphins are technically smarter than humans, one would think she'd listen to their pleas . . . but she doesn't. Mike and Dr. Morgan, ignoring the dolphins' warnings, swim into a fake wrecked galleon and the dolphins display their anxiety. Why are they so nervous? Because the shark is there! Once the shark reveals itself, Mike and Dr. Morgan grunt at each other and then the dolphins carry them to safety. The shark, not willing to let a big catch get away, gives chase but Mike, Dr. Morgan, and the dolphins escape, leaving the shark to somehow turn to rubber and slam into a metal gate.

After things settle down a bit, Sea World calls Lou Gossett, Jr., and he returns to the park to investigate the goings-on. While Mike, Dr. Morgan, and Lou Gossett, Jr., argue about what to do with the interloping shark, Philip the cheesy British filmmaker shows up to reveal a new wrinkle: he wants the park to capture the shark and then exploit it for riches and fame. Hmm . . . that's awfully selfish for an eco-terrorist. Dr. Morgan is curious about Philip the cheesy British filmmaker's plan – purely for scientific reasons – but Mike wants REVENGE against the shark, mainly because it's a shark.

Of course, since there's money to be had, Philip the cheesy British filmmaker wins the argument and, as well, he plans to film the shark . . . for fame and riches. Meanwhile, Dr. Morgan, clad in a lovely chainmail bodysuit, is tasked with the duty of tranquilizing the shark; once again, it's the curse of being a well-paid and respected marine biologist. Mike, suspicious of Philip the cheesy British filmmaker's plan, argues with Dr. Morgan; he's just jealous since she'll be in the water with only Philip the cheesy British filmmaker . . . and his cameraman. Whoa; time for some underwater porno action. Mike, unable to get through to stubborn Dr. Morgan, instead takes umbrage with Philip the cheesy British filmmaker, who just happens to be armed with home-brewed grenades for his personal safety. Mike calls him out on it and, surprisingly, Lou Gossett, Jr., tells Philip the cheesy British filmmaker to leave the grenades behind.

Once in the water, Dr. Morgan and Philip the cheesy British filmmaker wait for the shark to appear while Lou Gossett, Jr., watches the proceedings from the safety of his control room. Just when the TENSION is nearly too much to bear, the shark arrives on the scene and tries to snack on Dr. Morgan! Once again, that's what she gets for being a well-paid and respected marine biologist. Luckily for her, like a modern day Frodo Baggins, Dr. Morgan is wearing her suit of Mithril chainmail, so the shark does little damage other than wounding her pride. Mike, standing by to protect his ladylove, harpoons the shark and the crew finally subdues it and Dr. Morgan moves the shark into a holding tank. When everything settles down, Lou Gossett, Jr., checks in . . . on the condition of the film. He's just waiting for that National Geographic grant, I suppose.

Later, Dr. Morgan and her assistant push the unconscious – and remarkably small – shark around a pool. Mike, even though he once wanted the shark dead, comes over for a visit and replaces the assistant; Dr. Morgan, perhaps seeking to use her feminine wiles to warm Mike's cold heart, attempts to reconcile Mike with the shark . . . and it starts to work! Of course, the shark throws a wrench into Dr. Morgan's plans by choosing that time to come back from tranquilization and Mike and Dr. Morgan freak out.

Conveniently, the next day, Sea World opens to the public – or at least Lou Gossett's finely designed deathtrap does. While Philip the cheesy British filmmaker records the day's events, Lou Gossett, Jr., tells Mike to fire the dead worker because he hasn't shown up in days. Death has a tendency to do that. After ordering Mike around, Lou Gossett, Jr., then tells his hapless assistant to put the shark on display, even though Dr. Morgan still wants it under observation. Once again, money trumps the environment . . . although, doesn't that mean that Philip the cheesy British filmmaker has to murder Lou Gossett, Jr., now? Meanwhile, Sean visits Lea Thompson at work and she skips out to take him onto the bumper boats, much to Sean's chagrin . . . even though the power of her vagina got him into the water earlier in the film.

Deep in the bowels of Lou Gossett's deathtrap, ‘80s clad crowds marvel at what ends up being a cheesy, marine-themed fun house. Meanwhile, Mike and Dr. Morgan share a tender moment together until Mike gets called away on duty and Dr. Morgan discovers that the shark is on display against her wishes. Dr. Morgan rushes over to the shark's pen and, even though she tries to intervene, the shark dies in front of a herd of unwashed masses. Oh yes, there will be lawsuits for mental anguish. Philip the cheesy British filmmaker, wishing to regain his lothario street cred, attempts to console Dr. Morgan, but she still knows what he's up to because – unlike most women in films – she's not an idiot.

Sean and Lea Thompson ride some bumper boats, but it's not the thrill-ride it should be as Sean is jittery. Elsewhere, inside Lou Gossett's deathtrap, the guests enjoy the undersea life . . . until the dead worker floats by and some jerk pushes a girl's face against the glass. Icky . . . Cindy totally made out with a rotting shark attack victim! She's got cooties! Somehow, instantaneously, someone pulls up the dead worker's carcass and then Mike takes a look and pukes. Dr. Morgan, not content to let Mike's vomit cloud her judgment, lifts the sheet to see for herself . . . and then she freaks out for reasons unexplained. Dum-dum-DUM! TENSION!

Meanwhile, bored technicians discover that there's something wrong with one of the filters in Lou Gossett's deathtrap so the call the inventor and he tells them to clean it out . . . but not to tell Mike. Of course, the blockage clears itself up when a GIANT shark exits the filter. In a restaurant where Lou Gossett, Jr., entertains investors, Mike and Dr. Morgan show up to tell Lou Gossett, Jr., that their captured shark wasn't the one that ate the dead worker . . . that shark's mother did it! As if on cue, the big shark appears outside the window of the restaurant – which just happens to be submerged – and she's really ticked off! So much so that she unwisely attacks the window to the restaurant – even though the shark model doesn't really move at all – and Lou Gossett, Jr., wisely orders the park closed.

Back in the bumper boat pool, Sean complains to Lea Thompson and then they make out a bit; some fat guy, perhaps unhappy that people are getting some and he isn't, rams into them to break up their fun. Meanwhile, Mike – freaking out all the way – runs through the park trying to warn guests and workers; instead, he just looks like a lunatic, so no one really believes him. Elsewhere, in the lagoon, the shark follows more water-skiers – I guess those are the great white's favorite prey – and then it attacks the bumper boats . . . specifically the bumper boat carrying Sean and Lea Thompson. It tries to snack on Lea Thompson, but her young star power thwarts the shark, so she just suffers a little nibble; Sean, needing an easy way to be written out of the script at this point, joins her in the ambulance as she goes to the hospital.

Lou Gossett, Jr., fearful of the impending lawsuits, orders the underwater section of his deathtrap evacuated, but it proves to be more difficult than expected. The shark, sensing the patrons' fear, breaks open the tubes to the underwater section and a panic breaks out! A big bosomed guide tries to restore order, but she just ends up trapped with some guests in a sealed section of the attraction. Down in the metal shop, Mike freaks out as he fashions a patch for the broken tubes; Dr. Morgan, perhaps unhappy with being a well-paid and respected marine biologist, tells him that she's willing to join him in Venezuela. That evening, the press grills Lou Gossett's hapless assistant – who will probably be the only one to face jail time after the inquiry certainly to follow – but he blows them off with curt answers and sound bites.

Elsewhere, Mike; Lou Gossett, Jr.; Dr. Morgan; and Philip the cheesy British filmmaker commiserate and Philip the cheesy British filmmaker, perhaps unwisely, volunteers to go after the GIANT shark and capture it for posterity . . . and his bank account. For some reason – probably to get him out of their hair – Mike; Lou Gossett, Jr.; and Dr. Morgan go along with the filmmaker's plan and, once it goes into effect, he scolds his recalcitrant cameraman, who everyone knows probably isn't paid enough to warrant this kind of risk. Of course, Philip the cheesy British filmmaker knows this, so he plies the cameraman with promises of riches after the deed is done.

Philip the cheesy British filmmaker goes under looking for the shark and everyone else is tense. They needn't be, however, as he catches the shark in one of the vents with ease and then Mike and his crew go to work on repairing the tunnels. While the valiant workers weld the patch in place, the shark, not content with being penned up by a cheesy British filmmaker, eats him and escapes. No word on whether or not he tasted like Stilton. Meanwhile, Dr. Morgan decides to go under for no particular reason. The cameraman, remarkably still alive, comes above water and freaks out – probably because now his kids won't be able to go to college – and then Lou Gossett, Jr., orders the pumps turned off for no particular reason.

Dr. Morgan, trying to be helpful, joins Mike at the tunnel and serves as his lookout while he makes the repair. While Mike works quickly, the shark puts Mike and Dr. Morgan in its sights . . . but the dolphins show up to distract it, buying Mike and Dr. Morgan some time. Mike and Dr. Morgan, the work done, get to safety and the trapped guests are released . . . into the maze of tunnels they'll probably just get lost in anyway. The shark, looking for some lunch as well as some REVENGE, busts into the control room and eats a lowly black technician. Mike and Dr. Morgan, on the scene just because the movie's running long and it's time to wrap it up, spy a grenade in the shark's mouth and Mike, after a few ill-fated attempts, pulls the pin. The shark, unwitting and innocent fish that it is, blows up due to man's need to rule the sea and then shark jaw bones attack the audience. In the aftermath, Mike, Dr. Morgan, and the dolphins celebrate while Lou Gossett, Jr., is left to be bankrupted by the lawsuits to come.

Even though the filmmakers decided against making Jaws 3-D into a comedy, in the long run it ended up an unintentional comedy. While the acting is dull and lifeless and the characters and dialogue hackneyed – which isn't that big a deal in the big picture – the terribly low-rent special effects and forced need to fling things at the audience are from where the laughs spawn. In some scenes – especially in the "underwater deathtrap" – the sets are translucent; meanwhile, in the submersible scenes, the "special effects" – with an emphasis on "special" in the little bus way – are worthy of Fantastic Voyage . . . which predates Jaws 3-D by seventeen years! When you're throwing back a franchise to the ‘60s in lieu of making a quality film – or even a comedy – that's certainly a Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as I wrap up the Jaws franchise with yet another Oscar winner and a shark looking for vengeance. See you then!