Warped News 06.01.06: The Back To the Stone Age Edition
Posted by Cris Murphy on 06.01.2006
What a birthday gift! Jack Bauer for the summer, and no cable internet.
Howdy partners! And welcome to another edition of your favorite Thursday movie news column at 411Mania. Things are up and down this week. I just finished celebrating my birthday last week, helped my parents move everything out of the basement (including a pool table), and I have a kink in my neck which keeps me from moving very much.
Plus, my cable internet service has gone to sh*t, and I can't upload any of the wonderful pictures that make my column so special. I still have some service, but dial-up looks like broadband right now. So for this week, no pictures…just great news. Ok, don't abandon me now! I've given you a lot of hot babes in this column. For once, you can stay around and read it. It'll just be like reading Playboy for the pictures.
I'd love to stay and chat some more, but the Advil hasn't kicked in yet. So, instead of going through formalities, let's just…
Let's Hug It Out, Bitch!
So much for that "24" hangover…
My Saints be praised! Jack is back for re-runs! For the first time in the show's five-year history, summer reruns of "24" will air on FOX this year. The repeat episodes of the fifth season will begin again Friday, June 16. Back-to-back episodes will air each week for 12 weeks, ending right about the time the network rolls out its fall schedule.
Because of "24's" heavily serialized format, FOX has never aired summer reruns of the show before -- and without doubling up, there aren't enough weeks in the offseason to run a full season. The repeats will allow the network to earn a little extra cash on the series.
"24" had a banner year in the Nielsens. The show improved its overall audience by 14 percent over its fourth season and by 12 percent in the coveted adults 18-49 demographic. F**k yeah! It's not every year when one President is assassinated (in the first episode) and the current President is the bad guy…unless somebody pops Bill Clinton in the head very soon.
Hooray for me! No longer will I be enduring a 7 month hiatus of "24." Now, if we can just get "Buffy", "Angel" and "Firefly" back on the air, I know I've died while typing this column.
R.I.P.: Alan Toth
In some very sad news, the Newsarama web site reported that legendary cartoonist and artist Alan Toth died this week in his home. According to a letter written by Toth's son, Eric, Toth died at his drawing table.
Toth is best known as the stylistic animator behind such Hanna-Barbara classics as "Johnny Quest", "Space Ghost", "Herculoids", "Fantastic Four", "Birdman" and "Challenge of the Superfriends." Toth's artwork appeared in comics published by DC Comics, Marvel, Standard, Dell, Warren, Famous Funnies and numerous others.
All of these cartoons had a very profound impact on my childhood. Growing up, my Saturdays were routinely filled with reruns of "Johnny Quest", "Herculoids", "Space Ghost", "Superfriends" and Looney Tunes. It's sad to see someone of tremendous talent pass away, but when that person touched the lives of millions of children throughout his lifetime, it becomes even sadder.
To the man who gave me and millions of others the chance to be adventurous…fare thee well.
Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™ - The "Huh?" Prequel Edition
In my continuing search for more hits to my columns, I will offer up this news segment centered on nothing but a hot babe (or babes) to give me a reason to post very hot pictures of said hot babe (or babes). On with the googling…
Ha! Had you going! Here's where I would have put pictures and news stories about Kristin Cavalleri and Adrianne Curry, but you won't see anything. Suck on that!
After all is said and done, you never walk. You never run. You're a winner!
Cinescape Online reports that Sony BMG Entertainment announced that a 20th Anniversary Special Edition DVD of Transformers: The Movie will hit retail in November. The DVD will contain exclusive special features to commemorate the 20th anniversary of the animated classic film. The release is timed to coincide with the debut of a Transformers Classics line of figures.
"The Transformers franchise continues to thrive across multiple platforms, and we are excited to celebrate this pop culture phenomenon with a compelling new DVD tribute," said Jim Wilson, Executive Vice President, General Manager of Home Entertainment for Sony BMG. "By teaming with Transformer fans, we have developed an exclusive product with premium content and special features that will be sure to attract fans of all ages."
Hasbro will release the Transformers Classics line of figures. Expected to be available in November 2006, these new figures will feature updated versions of the first generation of Transformers (or "G1"), inspired by the look and spirit of the original figures and characters.
How cool is this? Finally, I can get my hands on an Optimus Prime figure! I'm just geeky enough to shell out $80 on that. You know that they're re-releasing the DVD to get people interested in the upcoming live-action film. I just hope they include a special look at the making of Dirk Diggler's remake of the Transformers theme, "You Got the Touch."
There's no STD in MILF…
According to a source at What Would Tyler Durden Do.com, there was a reason the newest Hollywood mother, Angelina Jolie, gave birth via c-section this week: herpes. The nameless informant wrote in an email:
"So I had to contribute a tid bit I heard when I was working for 20th Century Fox (in an executive position that will go unnamed) ... we produced 'Mr. and Mrs. Smith'. Angie and Brad were indeed having sex on that film, and she apparently gave him some STD's, and that's how Jennifer Aniston first found out ... If you are young, like Angelina Jolie, and healthy, the reason for c-section is almost always herpes. Jennifer Garner is another herpes mom, Madonna another. Both delivered small babies by c-section. Katie Holmes is another."
According to MSNBC, "women with active herpes lesions or symptoms that a lesion is about ready to erupt should undergo a cesarean section to prevent the virus from infecting the baby during a vaginal delivery." It's also true that Jennifer Garner and Madonna had c-sections, it has not been reported if Katie Holmes did.
And here I thought it was just a fad! Turns out herpes are the real fad.
The Box Office is Back!
The bad news for Hollywood is several of its early Summer Blockbusters have been critically panned. The good news is the box office was up 5% over Memorial Day 2005, when Madagascar and The Longest Yard were the holiday's big sluggers. For the year, the box office is up 6% over last year.
In an interview with the Los Angeles Times, Exhibitor Relations chief Paul Dergarabedian observed, "Last year, all the talk was about how people had found other entertainment options than going to movies -- video games, computers, in-home theaters. There's a lot more optimism these days among the distributors, and even more among the movie theater owners. What this year is showing is that given the right product, and the right marketing, there's still nothing like that 50-foot-wide screen."
The only reason the box office numbers are as big as they are is because of The DaVinci Code. X-Men 3 pulled in the numbers that it should have, even if it was the second largest Memorial Day opening ever. Too bad many people didn't like it. I still haven't seen X-Men yet, so the book is still open on that. However, if other blockbusters go south in the word-of-mouth category, the gains made right now will be lost by the end of the summer.
Sean Penn and Bob Villa Present: The Craftsman Tool of the Week™
This is the section where I find the biggest Hollywood tool in the news this week, and present their gallant journey into infinite toolness. This week's winner is JARED LETO.
Actor Jared Leto has laughed off reports that he is gay, insisting his comments to a reporter last week were meant as a joke. The Requiem For A Dream star gave an online interview last Friday, where he claimed he was "gay as a goose." Well, DUH!
The America Online reporter seemed unsure if Leto was kidding or not and revised the question. Leto them compared himself to rock musician Morrissey, another singer known for his vagueness about his sexuality. The star was engaged to Cameron Diaz and has also been linked with Lindsay Lohan and Scarlett Johansson. Don't kid yourself. He didn't "date" these women. He just loved their sense of fashion. His publicist, Robin Baum, has dismissed the flurry of media reports that followed his interview insisting, "Jared was kidding." Yeah, right.
For being a general prick and thinking that pretending to be "gay" then "not gay" when you're really are gay makes you the:
Craftsman Deluxe Oxygen/Acetylene Welding Cutting Outfit
Sears item #00920208000 Mfr. model #20208
Cuts to 6 inches and welds to 1 inch with optional tips. Features a heavy duty
torch handle with reverse-flow check values, cutting attachment, welding mixer,
size 3, 5, and 7 welding tips, No. 1 cutting tip, No. 1 heating tip, large oxygen and acetylene regulators, 3/16-in.x 20-ft. hose, striker, goggles and instruction manual.
*one of the few pictures I got in.
Let's just get it over with and remake Manos: The Hands of Fate…
Here comes what I believe will be another reoccurring part of the Warped News. In this section, I will detail Hollywood's constant race to remake everything it has ever made in the past. This section pays tribute to one of the worst movies ever made, and one of the funnest MST3K episodes ever…Manos: The Hands of Fate…where the monster is a caretaker with huge, deformed knees. Oh, Torgo! Where have we gone wrong?
According to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Chris Tucker will star in a Hollywood remake of the Bollywood hit Munnabhai M.B.B.S. The story revolves around a gangster who enrolls in medical school.
The Bollywood version was a hit in India and among South Asians living abroad, and will be remade as Gangster M.D. with Tucker as the lead. "Chris Tucker will be playing the main character in the film," said director Mira Nair, adding that she may cast some actors from the 2003 Bollywood original. Filming is expected to begin after Tucker finishes work on Rush Hour 3.
Why make this film at all? Why Chris Tucker? Shouldn't Ice Cube have first rights to this? If he starred in Are We There Yet?, you know he has the chops to pull this off.
The Bil O'Riley "Realy Gratest Jurnalizm" Awrd™
Yet another fantastic, trademarked segment to pay tribute to the ever-growing mistakes made by network journalists and 24-hour news networks. This award is to honor the great Bill O'Reilly, who's constant blathering continues to tell us lowly "ham and eggers" what journalism really is. Thank you, Mr. O'Reilly. We wouldn't know bad journalism without you. *sarcasm included for free*
According to IMDB.com, the FCC is investigating 77 television stations for allegedly airing video news releases from 49 companies on their local newscasts without disclosing their sources. The FCC probe was reportedly touched off by a study by the Madison-WI-based Center for Media and Democracy.
"We're very happy to see that the FCC is taking this seriously," Diane Farsetta, the study's co-author, told the Los Angeles Times. "It's an obvious breech of journalistic standards." Of course the FCC won't look into the Bush Administration creating many of these so-called "news releases." It wouldn't make the boss happy.
And in really bad taste and reporting, Dlisted.com had a story up about "The Insider" correspondent Victoria Recano and her interview with Jennifer Aniston at the world premiere of her new film, The Break-Up. For some unknown reason, Recano must have been hiding her pretty little face in a cave, because one of the questions she asked Aniston was, "what was your worst break-up?" DUH! Fortunately for her, she's very hot and will always have a job because of that. Of course, I would have put a picture of her here, but you can blame Cox Communications for this.
Johnny Drama's "The Art of Name Dropping"
Steve Vicious always knows how to caters to my baser instincts, and God bless him for it. My birthday gift was pictures of Stacy Keibler and Angie Harmon. So, thank him for me by checking out the latest Vicious TV News Wrap.
Chad Webb puts out more info in one week than I do in one month. Plus, babes! Give Mr. Webb some much-deserved love over at The Big Screen Bulletin.
Arnold Furious checks out Dark City, Cube Zero and more in the always interesting Furious On Film.
And George H. Sirois gets you ready for Superman Returns with a look at its predecessor, Superman II in his latest Scene Anatomy 101.
I know it's small pimpage. But my neck hurts, and I just want to get this done!
Coming to a theatre near you…
New to theatres…
The Break-Up: Is Jennifer Aniston box office poison? If THIS film (with box office Golden Boy, Vince Vaughn) flops, then I guess we have our answer.
That's it for this week my dear readers. Tune in next week with a lot more fun, and hot and cold running cable internet service. I wonder how much is DSL right now? Hopefully, my neck will be better, and I won't look like a 1950's robot when I try to turn my head.
The Bil O'Riley "Realy Gratest Jurnalizm" Awrd™
Coming to a theatre near you…
