The Sublime Movie Digest 06.07.06
Posted by Matthew Mills on 06.07.2006
Fashionably late, but never fear... There's still plenty of news and annoying celebrities!
PROLOGUE
There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call… The Sublime Movie Digest.
Who's doing what movie this week? What's opening this weekend? Who wrote a moderately entertaining column? Is anybody even reading this one?
We answer all these questions, and MORE! Right here! Right now!
And away we go…
I made a really big booboo. I woke up Tuesday afternoon (I work third shift, so this is okay for me to do), completely aware that I needed to write the column. Somewhere between 1 o'clock and 6 o'clock when I had to leave again for work, I COMPLETELY forgot about this column. The thought didn't even strike me until I woke up on Wednesday morning that I might have needed to do something.
So to any readers, and to the big bossman Ashish, I sincerely apologize and take full responsibility for my forgetfulness. I hope you'll all forgive me. I'll give you an extra reach around if you want.
Other than that, this seems to have been a pretty lame week for the news. Not a whole lot important happened. And The Break Up was Number 1 in the box office. Whatever, movie going public… Whatever.
Since we're on such a downer note anyway, I guess now would be a good time to say that I more than likely won't be able to have a column for the next two weeks, because I have to go to Fort Bragg, North Carolina for two weeks to fulfill requirements set forth by the US Army Reserve. Yeah, that'll be a real blast. Lets go purify us some water!
PS – Remember that movie In The Army Now with Pauly Shore and Andy Dick? That's my job in the Army. I'm a Water Treatment Specialist. But to be fair, I didn't know that movie existed until I had already signed a contract, so I think it's alright.
But not really.
Let's go.
THE NEWS YOU CARE ABOUT
Note: These are put in no particular order of importance.
Lsee Wiseman is likely to direct "Die Hard 4" starring Bruce Willis. The film will feature Detective John McClane going against an Internet terror organization.
Credit: Hollywood Reporter
Any guy who married Kate Beckinsale automatically gets promoted up to "Care About" status. Lucky fucker. Makes mediocre movies and gets a hot wife… Damn. I hope I can have the same amount of luck when I (eventually) get into film.
Dimension Films has hired Rob Zombie to write, direct, and produce the upcoming "Halloween" remake. It is expected that Zombie's version of the film will be very different from John Carpenter's original. Dimension claims that the new film will not only appeal to horror fans, but a larger mainstream audience as well.
The film is due out during the holiday season of 2007.
Credit: Zap2it
By "holiday season", of course, I assume it means the Christmas season. What better way to spend the holidays than watching Michael Myers kill people with family? In all seriousness, I guess this has the potential to be alright. House of 1000 Corpses was the most abysmal, worthless piece of film I've ever watched, but The Devil's Rejects actually wasn't that bad. So I'll give Rob Zombie one more chance. And it's not like I liked the original Halloween all that much anyway (but it's a classic, blahblahblah! Whinebitchcomplain! Shut up. I don't like it.), so the remake probably won't offend me too much if it's bad.
Actor Woody Harrelson and wife Laura Louie are celebrating the birth of their third daughter this weekend. The couple, who married eight years ago, are already parents to Denni Montana, 13, and Zoe Giordano, 9, and insist they're delighted to welcome another girl into the family. In a joint statement they say, "In this crazy patriarchal world we live in, we are doing our part to balance the energy. We are proud to announce the completion of our goddess trilogy with the birth of our third daughter, Makani Ravello, born on June 3rd." The family live on the Hawaiian island of Maui.
Credit: IMDB
From me and the Sublime Movie Digest crew, I'd like to wish Woody Harrelson and his family a happy and healthy arrival of their third daughter-wait, did he just call in the Goddess Trilogy? God, I hope he's being light hearted about that one. That would creep me out if he thought he was making babies that were goddesses that are "balancing the energy" of the planet.
Anyway, happy third daughter, Woody!
…AND THE NEWS YOU DON'T
Note: These aren't in any particular order, either.
Sony/Columbia has acquired the script "Jack and Jill" for Adam Sandler's Happy Madison Productions. Adam Sandler is considering starring in the film about fraternal twins.
Credit: Hollywood Reporter
Yeah, that sounds truly and flabbergastingly exciting. A film about fraternal twins? That's never been done before. He could have at least made one about Siamese twins… no, that's been done before too. Well then. I guess we'll just go on a limb and say that Adam Sandler can't do original movies anymore. Son of a…
Topher Grace is set to star in "Kids in America," a new coming of age story produced by Brian Grazer.
The film will center around one night in the life of a group of recent college grads. One guy pursues his dream girl at a Labor Day weekend party while he, his twin sister, and their best friend deal with their burgeoning adulthood over the course of the night.
Credit: Variety
Can you really have a an entire "coming of age" story that takes place in one night? I thought growing up took a little longer than 8 to 10 hours. Maybe I was just misinformed on that one. Wait, is that fraternal twins I see in this movie? Yeah, that's NEVER been done before. Topher Grace is cool and all… but the whole "I'm Venom!" thing is still making me shake my head.
Anna Nicole Smith has confirmed via her website that she is pregnant.
"Let me stop all the rumors. Yes, I am pregnant. I am happy - very, very happy about it. Everything is going really, really good and I'll be checking in periodically on the web. I'll let you see me as I'm growing!"
Smith has one son already, Daniel, who is 20.
I figured we could watch her growing anyway. You know, cause she's fat. DON'T LET THOSE TRIMSPA COMMERCIALS FOOL YOU! She's a porker, and you know it!
In other news, someone that's not 80 years old had sex with Anna Nicole Smith?
…Things that make you go "uggggh"…
Will Smith is set to produce and star in "Seven Pounds" for Columbia Pictures.
The film is about a suicidal man (Smith) who falls in love before he can end his life.
Credit: Hollywood Reporter
Now, it's a fact that the last five (5) movies that Will Smith has released that were wide release and he was the star in have grossed over 100,000,000 domestically each… But I'm really kinda doubting that this is one of them. And he keeps signing up for all these movies… but where are they? I haven't seen any in a while. I'll just leave it at that.
Nicolas Cage is set to star in a remake of the 1999 Thai thriller, "Bangkok Dangerous." Oxide Pang Chun and Danny Pang, the directors of the original, will also direct the remake.
The story focuses on a deaf-mute hitman whose commitment to his job is put in jeopardy by his love for a woman and his friendship with a young boy.
Credit: Variety
Because action movies are so awesome when the guy it focuses around doesn't get to speak or hear anything the entire movie. Sounds truly exhilarating.
Actress Nicole Kidman will reportedly marry country singer Keith Urban in the dark, to avoid being snapped by the paparazzi. The couple, who will wed in Kidman's home city of Sydney, Australia this month, have even consulted a local helicopter firm for advice on how to deter snoopers. Sydney Helicopters boss David Gemmell says, "They were concerned about what access paparazzi could get." Peter Gibson, of Australia's civil aviation safety authority praises the idea: "Certainly, the cover of darkness would make it difficult if not impossible for the paparazzi to do anything from an airborne position. Miss Kidman is making a very smart move in the circumstances."
Credit: IMDB
This is a case where it's "Good for the celebrity", but I think it's really hilarious that Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban getting married is SUCH A BIG DEAL in the *real world* that they actually have to get married in the dark to avoid the paparazzi. Don't they have something better to photograph? Like Lindsay Lohan's descent into complete and utter insanity?
Speaking of…
AND NOW A SPECIAL ALL LINDSAY LOHAN NEWS REPORT
Reports are going around that Lindsay Lohan is undergoing hypotherapy to overcome her addiction to shopping for clothes. Reports have her spending up to $100,000 a day on clothes and shoes.
Her stylist Rachel Zoe reportedly told Life & Style Weekly, "Her closets are overflowing with things like $8,000 Prada dresses and $2,000 Balenciaga bags. She has so many clothes, she never even wears some of them!"
The magazine claims sessions with a hypnotist are already working - but Lohan is outraged by the claims. Her publicist tells The Scoop, "That is just a bunch of crap. There's no hypnotist. And Lindsay loves clothes, but the idea that she spent that much last year is completely stupid."
Credit: IMDB
That's 1.
Lindsay Lohan is demanding an on-camera apology from Brandon Davis after Davis called her "firecrotch" and "poor" during a drunken tirade with Paris Hilton. Lohan also wants Davis to donate $250,000 to charity. Davis issued a statement after his comments apologizing for them, saying he was just joking, but Lohan wants a public apology.
Davis is the grandson of late oil billionaire and film mogul Marvin Davis. He said Lindsay Lohan is only worth $7 million and called that "poor."
Credit: Zap2it
That TWOOOOO…
Lindsay Lohan has walked away from her new movie, "Bill," after not getting along with the movie's first time directors. Amanda Peet and Aaron Eckhart are also in the film. Lohan apparently plans to only work with "big name directors" from now on.
Credit: IMDB
That's Tres…
Lindsay Lohan has hit out at US oil heiress Barbara Davis after she told pals the actress was dating her grandson Brandon Davis. The matriarch insists Lohan and Davis - whose ex-girlfriends include Mischa Barton - are an item, despite Brandon having been caught on video mocking the actress' lifestyle and personal hygiene recently. Barbara - the widow of oil tycoon Marvin Davis - told guests at Kenny G's birthday party in California at the weekend, "Brandon is dating Lindsay now!" A spokesperson later confirmed the story to PageSix.com. But Lohan is furious. He publicist Leslie Sloane tells the website, "It is unfortunate that Barbara Davis is desperate enough to make up a lie about Lindsay dating her grandson. Lindsay took the high road and accepted Brandon's apology last week, but they are not dating and they did not go to dinner together. Lindsay is dating several men who live overseas."
Credit: IMDB
That's four.
Count that again. Lindsay Lohan was in the news FOUR TIMES this week alone. And notice how utterly mind-numbingly stupid all of them are. And I don't think I've had a single week of writing this column where I HAVEN'T mentioned Lindsay Lohan at some point for her doing stupid.
Honestly, does anybody even care about her at this point? We know she's a spoiled whore who has way too much money for her own good. She buys 100,000 shells at a time for clothes, she has some kind of drama with some drunk heir of a billionaire, and she's "too good" to work with first time directors? What will this ho do next?
I can only wait to see.
Until then, can we please stop having reports about her? I feel obligated to putting it in for people's own amusement, and she's really starting to get on my nerves. So can we just like, boycott the gossip that's Lindsay Lohan related?
PLEEEEEAAAAAASSSEEEE?
OPENING WEEKEND ROULETTE
Which one should YOU see? How the hell should I know? Let's discuss!
Opening June 9…
Cars
Directed by John Lasseter.
Starring Owen Wilson, Bonnie Hunt, Paul Newman.
PROS: It's frickin' Pixar, man. And they have a lot of unconventional actors that actually have great voices for the roles.
CONS: Has Larry the Cable Guy. Although he's not very heavily advertised for it.
FINAL: I'm sure it'll do some major bank. You can't go wrong with Pixar.
The Omen (opened Tuesday, June 6)
Directed by John Moore.
Starring Live Schreiber, Julia Stiles.
PROS: Had a really good original to go off.
CONS: The previews make it look like just another turdtacular Hollywood remake. I bet they won't even remake the awesome scene of a pane of glass completely slicing off a dude's head. Blegh.
FINAL: I'll wait for HBO.
Okay, that's all for this heavily belated edition of The Sublime Movie Digest. Once again, I'm really sorry it was late. MY BAD, GUYS.
And yesterday was 6/6/06…. The last time we'll be able to celebrate the Day of Pure EVILLLLLLL (Minus a 0) for another 100 years. I hope you all enjoyed it while it lasted.
Until next week (if I haven't been fired yet), I'm Matthew Mills, and this was the Sublime Movie Digest.
I keep repeating it because maybe if it gets stuck in your head, you'll keep coming back.
