Warped News 06.08.06: The Pre-DSL Edition
Posted by Cris Murphy on 06.08.2006
Thank God for my computer at work. Otherwise, you’d get another column without pictures!
Hi again from the Mountain of Manifest Destiny, and welcome to another fantastic edition of the Warped News. This time, I'm coming to you from my office desk, where I have access to a cable internet connection that actually works. Once again, I must apologize to everyone about last week's less than stellar effort. The real problem was my cable modem. It turns out that they weren't meant to last more than 4 years, and was going bad on me. So, instead of shelling out $80 to access a cable internet service that costs me $40 a month to use, I decided to get DSL service for $20 (with basically the same speed as cable) and get my modem for only $10 (plus a $50 Best Buy card). Guess who's the big winner? Cris is the big winner!
Well, I got a lot to talk about and a short time to get there. We're east bound. Just watch ol' Murphy run. Are you ready to hug it out?
Never f**k with Ari Gold!
And what a better way to start this out than with The Man himself. Jeremy Piven and actor Stephen Dorff nearly came to blows after trading insults in the wee hours of yesterday morning at Bungalow 8. According to the New York Post's Page Six, both actors - who had come from Sean Combs' party at Pink Elephants - were, according to many sources, "well lubricated" when they showed up at Bungalow at around 1:30 a.m.
Piven was in line in the bathroom when Dorff cut in line in front of him. According to the report, the dialogue went something like:
Piven: "Yo, what are you doing? You know you don't need to cut the line!"
Dorff: "I can do what I want!"
Piven: "No, you can't!"
Dorff: "Yes, I can!"
Piven: "You're a has-been!"
Dorff: "At least I am a movie star - you're only on TV! Cable TV!"
Believe me, I didn't make this up. This is what was really said. Dorff's last comment caused Piven to scream numerous expletives, and security guards were called before the two could come to blows.
A witness said, "Jeremy, who actually had a table, was shoved into a bathroom by security and left shortly after. And Dorff, who was in the standing-only section, kept hanging around all night telling anyone who would listen, 'I am going to kick Jeremy Piven's ass!' It was hilarious." Dorff ended up at 5 a.m. at Scores West, telling strippers, "I'm a movie star - you should want to sleep with me," according to one member of his entourage.
The Post wrote that they tried to call Piven's rep, but it seems his longtime rep, Siri Garber, fired him Monday. "He has morphed into his obnoxious 'Entourage' alter ego, Ari Gold," a source said. By the way, the Post tried to call Dorff's agent, but he doesn't have one right now.
Last week, Piven was "obnoxious" at the "Entourage" premiere at the Arclight Cinemas in L.A. Spies relate that he kicked Garber out of her seat midway through the screening "so some hot chick he had just met could sit down. He was loud and awful to her. Siri has been with him forever and done everything for him - he is a pig." Garber declined comment.
First of all, what the f**k has Steven Dorff done in the last 5 years to even be considered as a "movie star"? He's nothing. He's in line for a season of "The Surreal Life." He wasn't even that good when he was acting. Never mess with The Piven. The Piven is God.
Second of all, The Piven needs to get a grip. Just because you're on a very hot show and going gangbusters doesn't mean you're The Sh*t. It just means he's The Piven. There's no need to be Ari Gold. Just play him on TV.
And for my good friend Deb and all the ladies out there…a surprise Jeremy Piven glamour shot.
Go, Cross-Dresser! Go, Cross-Dresser! Go, Cross-Dresser, go!
Cinescape Online reports that Crazy Larry and Andy Wachowski, the creators of the Matrix trilogy, may sign on to write and direct Speed Racer for Warner Bros.
None of the parties would go on record, so as of now it simply stands as a rumor. It was reported years back that Vince Vaughn was in talks to star as Racer X who is the long-lost and very protective brother of the title character. Frankly, I don't want to know who Larry has picked to play the chimp. It'll probably be a Furry, and then things will get too surreal.
I think we're all tired of movies made from TV shows. I don't think we need to tarnish the cult status of "Speed Racer" with a movie, even if it's made by the Wachowskis. There's no real upside to any of this. Even if the film is good, it won't be "as good as it should have been, considering the Wachowski Brothers made it." More than likely, it'll bomb.
Bitter much!
Actor Richard E. Grant hated working with Bruce Willis so much he has been inspired to direct a film about the true behavior of Hollywood stars. According to ContactMusic.com, the actors fell out of the film Hudson Hawk in 1991, citing "artistic differences."
Translation:I couldn't get along with my fellow cast mates because I should have gotten the lead instead of the f**k-wad, "Moonlighting" bitch-man. So, now I'm going to throw fit after fit until every one treats me like sh*t, and I can go away in a huff and blame everyone else about me getting canned.
Not that I'm judging or anything.
Grant says, "I'm writing a film called Zietgeist, which is about the making of a disaster movie - basically The Poseidon Adventure in outer space! It's about how a disaster movie becomes a real disaster, and how actors really are, as opposed to the PR version. It's fairly and squarely based on my experience working on Hudson Hawk with Bruce Willis 16 years ago. So from bitter, first-hand experience."
"Fairly and squarely"? Sure it is.
Steve Vicious and Fox Movietone Present: Porn Stars In the News™…sponsored by Kleenex Tissues
TMZ.com writes that the U.S. version of FHM Magazine will put an adult film star on its cover for the first time in the magazine's history. Tera Patrick was recently on the cover of the UK version, making it one of their highest selling issues ever. Because of that success, the magazine has given Tera the U.S. cover for the month of July.
During the 12-hour shoot in Manhattan, Tera's make-up artist's second job was to continuously lube up the model with lotion. Tera is so happy with the results, she joked with TMZ she's considering hiring someone to be her personal lotionizer. Ummm…I'm more than qualified. Hell, I can run camera for your next "video diary."
In the middle of the shoot, Tera's toy fox terrier, Chopper, ran into a neighboring studio and left a rather nasty smelling present. The photo shoot's neighbors were none to happy with the gift and later came knocking to "inform" her about the incident. However, after seeing Tera naked, they probably just stood there slobbering and gladly stayed for the rest of the shoot…wishing to be her lotionizer.
Are you ready to drool? Thought you were…
Finally! A Reality TV show I can watch!
RealityBlurred.com reported this week that several Z-list celebrities have signed on for the next season of "The Surreal Life." The celebrities that were reported as signing on was pro-wrestler Randy "Macho Man" Savage, poker player Phil Hellmuth, Type O Negative's Peter Steele, and Playmate Tina Jordan. The source was Hellmuth, who talked about it on Sirius radio
The website has also heard unconfirmed rumors that comedian Carrot Top, actor Dabney Coleman, and a member of the Blue Man Group are also members of the new cast, with emphasis on the "unconfirmed rumors" part. An all-star season titled "The Surreal Life: Fame Games", was already filmed in March, so this report apparently refers to The Surreal Life 8, which has not yet been officially announced.
First of all, I would pay a lot of money to see the Macho Man rip a new asshole to Phil Hellmuth. It'll also be interesting to see a member of the Blue Man Group, with full make-up, try to be a Blue Man throughout the entire season. Someone will slit his throat before it's all said and done. Then, we can finally see a Roid Rage incident with Carrot Top. That alone is worth the effort. Throw in Tina Jordan…
…and we have a Reality TV show I might actually watch.
Go buy water and duck tape! The end is near!
Jerry Lewis, who played "The Nutty Professor" in 1963, has determined that making a film about a clown that entertains Jews as they are murdered in a Nazi death camp wasn't enough. Now, his new horror will come to Broadway. Lewis announced that he plans on bringing "The Nutter Professor" to the theatrical stage.
According to the Fairbanks Daily News-Miner, Lewis plans for the first show to begin in January at the Old Globe Theatre in San Diego, where the 80-year-old comedian has a houseboat. The…what?
Lewis will direct the show, which he aims to have on Broadway by October 2008, and will be produced by The Michael Andrew Company. Andrew, a 41-year-old crooner and comedian who fronts The Atomic Big Band, is set to play the lead, the bucktoothed Julius Kelp, who invents a potion that transforms him into the suave Buddy Love.
"I had an awful lot of inquiries about it for years, and I never really bothered to pay much attention to it," Lewis, who lives in the Las Vegas area, told reporters Tuesday. "I saw this kid perform, and he wanted very much to do that, and he had money," Lewis said. "I said, 'With those pockets, we'll give it a shot.'"
I really don't know what to say that isn't already extremely funny…in a sad, pathetic way. A houseboat?
Coming up next on "Lindsay Lohan: The True Hollywood Story"…
Jessica Alba has snatched up Lindsay Lohan's role in the new movie Bill, after the teen actress abruptly quit the film because the first-time directors weren't well known enough.
According to ContractMusic.com, the movie, which also stars Aaron Eckhart and Amanda Peet, begins production this week. However, Lohan pulled out of the film on Tuesday claiming she only wanted to work with big-name directors. And they're lines up to work with your coke-up ass. Alba recently worked with the producers of Bill on the movie Awake.
Well somebody thinks they're special, don't they? If Lindsay only wants to work with "well-known" directors, what the hell was she doing in Just My Luck? She does one film with Robert Altman and all of a sudden she an "act-tress." If she'd just stop snorting enough coke to eat a sammich or two, she'd be in a lot better shape…career and body.
You'd really think I'd have news about Jessica Alba without pertinent visual support?
I'm both sexually aroused and mortified at the same time…only about different things.
The New York Post reports that former "Full House" child star and crystal meth addict Jodie Sweetin has found a new gig. Sweetin has signed on to host a new show on Fuse, "Pants-Off Dance-Off."
The show, taped at Fuse music TV's Midtown studio, features people of all ages taking off their clothes to their favorite music videos. No word yet if Sweetin plans to doff her duds, but Fuse says it hopes she will use her connections to get her former little TV sisters - Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen - to join in the fun.
Ok, first of all, as long as they got hot chicks stripping to music videos, I'm very interested in the show. However, it does deflate any body stiffness to know that your host was the middle child on "Full House." This show might get my penis confused…and that's hard to do. *pun intended*
Michael Moore is less than reputable? NEVER!
According to WENN, a U.S. war veteran has filed an $85 million lawsuit against Oscar-winning film-maker Michael Moore for falsely portraying him in the documentary Fahrenheit 9/11.
Sergeant Peter Damon, a National Guardsman from Massachusetts who lost both his arms in the Iraq war, claims the film caused him "a loss of reputation, emotional distress, embarrassment, and personal humiliation" after it featured a clip of an interview he did with NBC's Nightly News. Damon claims the way Moore edited the clip made him look to be anti-war by depicting him as "voicing a complaint about the war effort," when he was actually complaining about "the excruciating type of pain" from his injuries.
Damon is seeking damages in the lawsuit filed in Suffolk Superior Court, Massachusetts, claiming Moore never asked for his consent to use the clip, adding, "(Damon) agrees with and supports the President and the United States' war effort, and he was not left behind." Damon's lawyer, Dennis Lynch, says, "It's upsetting to him because he's lived his life supportive of his government, he's been a patriot, he's been a soldier, and he's now being portrayed in a movie that is the antithesis of all of that."
Now, I can't take sides on this without seeing the actual clip used on NBC, then seeing how the clip was used in Fahrenheit 9/11. However, with Moore's less than stellar record when it comes to "telling the truth" and his use of editing to change meaning of a clip, I'm not all that surprised. The man's a fat sack of sh*t anyway.
Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™
In my continuing search for more hits to my columns, I will offer up this news segment centered on nothing but a hot babe (or babes) to give me a reason to post very hot pictures of said hot babe (or babes). On with the googling…
"Grey's Anatomy" star Katherine Heigl is so inspired by celebrity socialite Paris Hilton, she wants to star in her own sex tape. So, this is a welcomed twist. I guess Paris isn't a complete waste of hydrocarbons. She can inspire hot actresses to make porn! Go Paris!
According to WENN, Heigl is enjoying such a great love life with her current boyfriend, she wants the world to share in her happiness. "I think maybe I should do a sex tape. Look what it did for Paris Hilton! There's never enough sex for me. The guy I'm dating now is just so fantastic in bed that half the time I just want to leave the handcuffs on and say, 'I've got to run a few errands, but don't you move - I'll be back!' I feel that everybody deserves fantastic sex and should settle for no less. I work hard and I deserve it."
I think that we deserve it too! For the hottie with fantastic priorities…a photo tribute:
Johnny Drama's "The Art of Name Dropping"
Arnold Furious goes old school on us and reviews several classic films including Duck Soup and Martin Scorsese's The Last Waltz in his latest Furious On Film.
My GOD! What are people thinking here at 411? In the latest 411 Top 5, staffers list their most overrated films. When movies such as Batman Begins, Silence of the Lambs, Raging Bull, Titanic and A Clockwork Orange make the list, I start feeling sad for younger generations. Are you serious? Silence of the Lambs is overrated?
Matthew Mills brings me back to sanity with a ton of Lindsay Lohan news and this weekend's movie picks in his latest Sublime Movie Digest.
Chad Webb gives you much better news than I, plus his DVD picks and more great pictures over at The Big Screen Bulletin.
Oh no, he didn't! George H. Sirois breaks the second rule of film critics. He acknowledges that Superman III even exists in his latest Scene Anatomy 101. Ooops! Guess I did too. Thanks, George!
Coming to a theatre near you…
New to theatres…
Cars: First Pixar film that I'm not that excited about.
The Omen: The world's not ending. Although it should after this thing got made.
Prairie Home Companion: Finally, a Lindsay Lohan movie to go with all this lousy Lindsay Lohan news.
That's it for another Thursday. By next week, I'll have DSL and be able to do all of this in the confides of my messy old apartment. Back to the basics, I guess.
Never f**k with Ari Gold!
Go, Cross-Dresser! Go, Cross-Dresser! Go, Cross-Dresser, go!
Bitter much!
Steve Vicious and Fox Movietone Present: Porn Stars In the News™…sponsored by Kleenex Tissues
Finally! A Reality TV show I can watch!
Go buy water and duck tape! The end is near!
Coming up next on "Lindsay Lohan: The True Hollywood Story"…
I'm both sexually aroused and mortified at the same time…only about different things.
Michael Moore is less than reputable? NEVER!
Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™
Coming to a theatre near you…
