Warped News 06.15.06: The Return of the Shizznit Edition
Posted by Cris Murphy on 06.15.2006
Now YOU can do what you never thought you could do…beat up Uwe Boll.
I'm back working from my grand palace (aka crappy apartment) once again…thanks to the magic of DSL. With a new internet provider comes a new email address. If you want to let me know what you think about me or my report, just email me here.
Well, let's forget about renewing my high-speed porn addiction. It's time for the nasty of the nastiness. The enlightened of the enlightened, and the awesome of the awesome. Are you ready to hug it out?
Fark.com: "I Gotta Glock, Yo. And I Take it Everywhere I Go."
Eminem has decided to leave the rap life to once again pursue his acting career. According to E Online, the hip-hop star is attached to star in Paramount's contemporary update of CBS' classic TV series "Have Gun Will Travel." Who in their right mind thinks this is a good idea?
Marshall Mathers III will play a modern version of the show's hero, Paladin, a professional gunslinger and West Point graduate in the original series, who, after the Civil War, lends his deadly talents out as a mercenary for hire. Yeah, I'm sure there's a contemporary version of that lurking around somewhere. They usually get those guys psychiatric help for Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome.
The big-screen version will reportedly incorporate some elements from the show but will be revamped as a present-day action-adventure. In a nod to Eminem's rabid fan base Variety reports that filmmakers might tweak the story to take place in the rapper's hometown of Detroit. Eminem is also expected to contribute several original songs to the Have Gun Will Travel soundtrack. O Rly?
Paramount is putting Have Gun Will Travel on the fast track and hopes to roll cameras within the coming months. The film finds the hip-hop legend at a crossroads, both personally and professionally. After spending a month in rehab last year to kick an addiction to prescription sleep medication, Eminem remarried and then filed for divorce yet again from on-off partner Kim Mathers. Because nothing spells "hardcore G" like a pussy-whipped cracker version of Elizabeth Taylor.
Let's just get it over with and remake Manos: The Hands of Fate…
In this section, I will detail Hollywood's constant race to remake everything it has ever made in the past. This section pays tribute to one of the worst movies ever made, and one of the funnest MST3K episodes ever…Manos: The Hands of Fate…where the monster is a caretaker with huge, deformed knees. Oh, Torgo! Where have we gone wrong?
According to Ain't It Cool News.com, The Weinstein Company has announced that it plans to remake Akira Kirosawa's epic, The Seven Samurai starring Chinese film star Zhang Ziyi. WHERE ARE THE WEINSTEINS NOW? I HAVE AN UZI TO USE!!!! Just kidding everyone. Right now, I feel sick. How can you be so arrogant as to think you can remake something as classic and as perfect as The Seven Samurai? At least the last time they did it, the made it into a western called The Magnificent Seven. It used the original as a template to make a western. Now, we have the Weinsteins wanting to use the original to make a samurai movie. IT WON'T WORK!
John Fusco has been tabbed to write the screenplay. He's famous for giving us Young Guns and Hildalgo…two westerns. If they're looking to make a western version of Kurosawa's classic…it's too late. This is bad at every level…even with Ziyi.
And since we're on the remaking Asian films kick, another story came across Variety last week. It looks like Hollywood will ruin yet another film with a remake. Kristen Bell is slated to star in a remake of the Japanese gore-fest Battle Royale.
The film is famous for it's brutal gore and starring Chiaki Kurayama, who played the school girl bodyguard "Go-Go" in Kill Bill. The original film, "produced by Toie and released in 2000 amid concerns about its violence, is set in an apocalyptic future in which schools are overrun by uncontrolled violence; the government responds by organizing an annual Battle Royale, in which a school class is picked at random and students are pitted against each other on an abandoned island in a game of survival."
Sounds like my 10-year class reunion. Just kidding! If you ask anyone here at 411Mania about the film, they'll probably rave over it. I have never seen it, nor do I care too. I outgrew the gory stuff years ago. NOW GET OFF MY LAWN, YOU DAMN KIDS!
In an effort to create a real-life "Animal Crossing"…
The 14-year effort to establish an urban farm in the heart of South Los Angeles came to an end today when authorities evicted the farmers, as well as some celebrities who were supporting them by keeping vigil on the land.
The eviction occurred during a frenzied day both at the farm site and at City Hall as Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa and other city leaders negotiated with the landowner through the morning, failing to reach a deal to save the farm even though the mayor said they had come up with the owner's $16-million asking price.
Personnel using a huge fire ladder this afternoon removed actress Daryl Hannah and protest organizer John Quigley from the tree where they had vowed to remain as long as possible. Television broadcasts showed a large ladder extending from a fire truck reaching into the tree where Hannah, Quigley and two other people were located. Nearby, protesters were shown sitting on the street or sidewalk, many with their hands tied behind their backs as they were surrounded by police.
Hannah said she was sleeping in her tent when the Los Angeles County sheriff's deputies — who handle evictions in the county — arrived. Quigley alerted her to the raid, and she raced up the tree in about a minute. "I felt an extreme sense of urgency. Not only did I have to climb up the tree, I had to pull up the rope behind me so they could not follow me," Hannah said in a cellphone interview with The Times from atop the tree. How hard was it for the reporter to keep from laughing?
During an afternoon press conference, a visibly annoyed Villaraigosa said the city made a last-ditch effort to preserve the land, offering landowner Ralph Horowitz the price he had sought, raised through a variety of nonprofit groups. But the mayor said Horowitz then said he thought the land was worth an additional $3 million and also said he was sick of the protesters, some of whom he said had made anti-Semitic slurs against him. For peaceful protesters, they certainly don't know the meaning of harmony.
When has any of this protesting done anything but make fools of those who climb trees? Well…except for Cheeta.
The next shot in the DVD Wars was a blank…
Studio Briefing reports that the roll-out of Sony's Blu-ray high-definition DVD system became even more confusing when the company announced on Tuesday that it would release its first seven movies in the format on June 20th. The problem is that Sony had announced only a few days earlier that its own Blu-ray players would not hit the market until mid-August. So, they're going to have Blu-ray movies out before there's anything to play them on? Are people going to buy movies salivating over themselves thinking, "GOD, I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE PLAYERS TO COME OUT!!!!!"
The date would appear to have been set to coincide with the commercial availability of Samsung's Blu-ray player. However, reports appearing later in the day on Tuesday indicated that Samsung has postponed release of its own Blu-ray player until September.
This opens up the door for Toshiba and their HD-DVD system. If Blu-ray keeps stalling, studios will up and leave to go to HD-DVD. They're not going to wait if there's a viable system out now. That's profits that need to be reported to shareholders and bonuses that need to get paid. I thought that Blu-ray had this thing sown up. Too bad they thought so too. Don't count those chickens…
He's George Lucas…er…Sean Connery, dammit!
George Lucas tells Access Hollywood's Maria Menounos he is pushing to get Sean Connery to appear in Indiana Jones 4. At Hollywood's Kodak Theater Thursday, the American Film Institute honored Connery with the Life Achievement Award.
Despite reports that Connery is retired, Lucas told Maria, "I would love him to be in the next Indiana Jones…maybe I can push him into it." When asked if he knew whether or not Connery wanted to appear in the film, Lucas said, "I think he does." Lucas jokingly added, "We are writing him in whether he wants to do it or not."
Of course, George has been going a little off his rocker ever since he started writer…er…producing the Star Wars prequels. Believe me, if Connery doesn't want to act anymore, he ain't acting. But, another Indiana Jones flick could be the thing that gets Connery out of retirement. Just don't hold your breath.
Hey! Get in line, buddy!
Cinescape Online reports that director Uwe Boll is lashing out at his critics…literally. According to a press release, Boll wrote:
Again the fans have shown that the critics of Uwe Boll are out of touch with want [sic] the general movie audience population wants. Dr. Boll has continually been roasted for the films he has directed and produced. His last two films, House of the Dead & Alone in the Dark, cost $20 million but they have grossed over $110 million to-date. The same negative reactions from some of the same press and the internet critics are now being directed at Uwe Boll's latest film; BloodRayne.
Dr. Uwe Boll has had enough! Uwe Boll's position is "I am fed up. I'm fed up with people slamming my films on the Internet without see them. Many journalists make value judgments on my films based on the opinions of one or two thousand Internet voices. Half of those opinions come from people who've never watched my films. I have been told that BloodRayne has a very bad IMDb rating, but how many of those votes of zero were made before the movie appeared in theatres." The criticism goes on and on.
Uwe is now challenging the critics that failed to watch his films prior to reviewing or commenting, "TO PUT UP OR SHUT UP!"
On July 17th, 2006 Uwe will start filming his next feature film, Seed, starring Will Sanderson, Ralf Moeller, Michael Pare & Andrew Jackson. Following that film he will go into production in late September with another feature called Postal. Both movies will be shot in Vancouver, BC, Canada.
Towards the end of the filming of the Postal, the 5 most outspoken critics will be flown into Vancouver and supplied with hotel rooms. As a guest of Uwe Boll they will be given the chance to be an extra / stand-in in Postal and have the opportunity to put on boxing gloves and enter a BOXING RING to fight Uwe Boll. Each critic will have the opportunity to bring down Uwe in a 10 bout match. There will be 5 matches planned over the last two days of the movie. Certain scenes from these boxing matches will become part of the Postal movie. All 5 fights will be televised on the internet and will be covered by international press.
To be eligible you must be a critic who has posted on the internet or have written in magazines / newspapers at least two extremely negative articles in the year 2005. Critics of 2006 will not be considered. Please submit proof of your negative reviews & comments via e-mail to: info@boll-kg.de
All challengers must be healthy males, weighing between 64 kilograms (140 lbs.) and 86 kilograms (190 lbs.). You will require to be physically examined by a doctor and sign the necessary release forms for liability, etc. You will not be paid or entitled to any residuals
or fees. Your transportation & hotel costs will be covered.
Dr. Uwe Boll's invitation to fight and / or appear in his film is extended to all his harshest critics. Roger Avary and Quentin Tarantino are among the most eligible candidates.
This has got to be a joke. Either this is a joke by the Boll camp or this is a hoax. You can't put a press release out with that many spelling and grammatical errors. Sure, when you write for the internet, you can, but only because we have no editors. Second of all, how many movie critics fit the "healthy males" category? Not very many. I'm sure there are some out there, but how many of them would pay attention to Uwe Boll? Finally, am I mistaken or is Uwe Boll directing 2 films in the span of 2 months? How can that be done? Don't factor in the suck. Just factor in the time it takes to actually shoot that much footage and edit it together. Even at a suckage pace only Uwe Boll can produce, that's a lot for a director to swallow. Even if this is real, we still all lose.
Considering that I haven't met the weight or the negative review caveats, I guess I can't enter. I have one very negative review, but it was so negative, it was positive. Hell, I even said that everyone should see Ultraviolet because it sucked so bad. It can't be THAT negative. Anyway, I hope that if this is real, that somebody takes this hack out. If you do end up fighting him, go for the eyes. If you detach his retinas, he won't be able to look through a lens again. Do it for all humanity!
Things continue to get interesting…
In the continuing drama of the Anthony Pellicano wiretapping case, Studio Briefing reports that the former private detective is aware that some of his former clients will likely testify against him if he is prosecuted under federal wire-tap laws. But, he told the Los Angeles Times, he will never do the same against them. "My loyalty never dies," Pellicano, speaking by telephone from prison, told the newspaper in Sunday's edition.
"You're not going to see me take the stand against the clients and employees and other people that are going to be testifying against me. I didn't rat them out. You understand? I am never going to besmirch a client or any other person that I gave my trust to or who gave their trust to me. I'm never going to do that. I am going to be a man until I fall -- if, in fact, that happens."
Pellicano also claimed that the government has exaggerated its case against him and has failed to produce tapes of alleged wire-tapped conversation. "They have never provided them to us in discovery. And they never will. Because they don't exist," Pellicano said.
Translation:I know how much Hollywood is tapped into the Mafia. I know that if I spill the beans on the wrong people, my ass is grass…even in prison. I know that there are very powerful studio executives and producers who would rather see me die and videotape it for a reality show than see me testify in court. I know where my bread (and ass) is buttered, and I know that I'll keep my mouth shut. Unless the government throws the book at me. Then I know there's Witness Protection.
Sean Penn and Bob Villa Present: The Craftsman Tool of the Week™
This is the section where I find the biggest Hollywood tool in the news this week, and present their gallant journey into infinite toolness. This week's winner is JENNA ELFMAN.
So, how did Elfman beat Darryl Hannah climbing trees and Uwe Boll picking fights? By asking if someone had just raped a baby…because of a t-shirt. Indie film director John Roecker tells TMZ.com he was walking to his car with a female friend in LA last Sunday when he was approached by a shirtless man and a tall blonde. "Hey, man, you're making fun of my religion," said the stranger angrily.
Roecker quickly recognized the couple as actors Jenna and Bodhi Elfman. Mr. Elfman's ire was apparently drawn by Roecker's self-made t-shirt, which had a picture of Tom Cruise on the front under the caption "Scientology is Gay!" and a Stayin' Alive-era John Travolta on the back with the words "Very Gay!"
According to Roecker, the real sh*t started to hit the fan after he made several references to Scientology theology and Xenu. Roecker says Jenna repeatedly said "What crimes have you committed?" and began screaming at Roecker, "Have you raped a baby?" Roecker said Bodhi Elfman prepared to take a swing at him, but thought against it.
Bizarrely, Roecker also says that the Elfmans had a young, twenty-something male companion with them whom they continually instructed to move away and cover his ears whenever references to Xenu were made.
I don't know who's the biggest tool. Right now, I have to go with Jenna for the "raped baby" comment. Hyperbole much? Just for being weird on Scientology, Ms. Elfman and her "actor" husband are the:
Legacy 3/8 in. x 50 ft. PVC Air Hose
Sears item #00916117000 Mfr. model #16117
Hose features solid brass 1/4 in. NPT fittings, an oil and abrasion resistant
outer cover, and extra strong polyester binding.
And for Mr. Roecher, who probably did all of this for some type of publicity, he's the:
Craftsman Denim Bib Overall
There are few other clothes that are better suited for doing outside work than a good set of overalls. They are versatile, tough, and always comfortable. These 12oz. denim overalls from Craftsman feature twill pocketing, bar-tack stress points, and triple needle construction for added durability. Adjustable straps for added comfort. Teflon(R) stain protection built right into the fabric. Plenty of useful pockets, including two in the bib with a pencil slot, an oversized utility pocket, and hammer loop, makes this a great set of work clothes. If you are working in the garden or putting in new cabinates, overalls are the way to go.
Strike one against Superman Returns…
After the turd that was X-Men: The Last Stand, I can understand why people might be a little timid about the new Superman film. You see product placement deals everywhere. This tells me that the studio thinks it sucks and is trying to get as much money out of the production before it comes to theaters. However, I'm trying to keep an open mind about all of this. The last trailer for the film looked awesome, so I can't complain too much. However, when I saw this, I'm starting to have doubts again.
According to internet language, people would call this "teh gay." Nice squatting, by the way.
One reason why I don't watch the MTV Movie Awards…
Despite the fact that it takes a unique approach to movie awards, it does what everything that MTV produces ends up doing…getting to pretentious and sucking out the ass. Case in point from Star Wars.com:
MTV honored actor Hayden Christensen with the coveted golden popcorn tub trophy as he won in the Best Villain category for portraying Darth Vader in Star Wars: Episode III Revenge of the Sith. In his humble acceptance speech, he thanked filmmaker George Lucas for giving him "the chance to play such a cool character." Other nominations for Episode III included actor Ewan McGregor as Best Hero, as well as Christensen and McGregor for Best Fight.
To continue the Star Wars love, the band Gnarls Barkley performed their hit song "Crazy" donning authentic costumes from the Star Wars saga which included lead singer Cee-Lo as Darth Vader, Danger Mouse as Obi-Wan Kenobi, and drummer Chris Vrenna as Chewbacca, among many others. "It was an honor to wear the Wookiee costume," Vrenna says.
Take a look:
This is what makes this stuff crap. They try to be cool, funny and hip, and all they end up doing is looking stupid. When I saw Sam Jackson climb into a Dawson's Creek window, I knew the jig was up. The show had jumped the shark. Plus, they gave Wedding Crashers the Best Film award? How about showing The 40 Year-Old Virgin some love?
Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™ - The "Huh?" Prequel Edition
In my continuing search for more hits to my columns, I will offer up this news segment centered on nothing but a hot babe (or babes) to give me a reason to post very hot pictures of said hot babe (or babes). On with the googling…
It looks like Colin Ferrell is in love…again. According to ContactMusic.com, Farrell has fallen for co-star Lake Bell on the set of his new film Pride and Glory. The Irish star is said to be "deeply in love" with the former "Boston Legal" actress. The actor's representative in Los Angeles refused to comment on rumors that the couple are dating saying, "This is a private matter."
There's nothing wrong with falling in love with co-stars…as long as they're as hot as this:
Johnny Drama's "The Art of Name Dropping"
Chad Webb gives you more movie news, quick reviews, and which DVDs to buy and to avoid in his latest Big Screen Bulletin.
The newest guy on the set, Ben Moser, looks at a Hulk sequel and a possible "Battle of the Planets" movie…oh, my, God!…in his latest Doctor In the Hallway News Report.
411Mania takes on the best remakes…ugh…in the latest 411 Top 5.
Arnold Furious takes a look at Tom Hank's The Terminal, It Happened One Night and more in his latest Furious On Film.
George H. Sirois is really getting my goat. First, he had to acknowledge that Superman III exists. Now, he has to commit the ultimate blasphemy…reviewing Superman IV: The Quest For Peace in his latest Scene Anatomy 101. I would get mad, but Superman IV doesn't exist.
Finally, you want to see Henry Rollins take on Ann Coulter? Thought you would..
Coming to a theatre near you…
New to theatres…
Nacho Libre: I really hope this is good.
Fast and the Furious-Tokyo Drift: UGH!
Garfield 2: Was the first one good enough for a sequel that will suck?
The Lake House: CHICK FLICK galore!
Fark.com: "I Gotta Glock, Yo. And I Take it Everywhere I Go."
Let's just get it over with and remake Manos: The Hands of Fate…
In an effort to create a real-life "Animal Crossing"…
The next shot in the DVD Wars was a blank…
He's George Lucas…er…Sean Connery, dammit!
Hey! Get in line, buddy!
Things continue to get interesting…
Sean Penn and Bob Villa Present: The Craftsman Tool of the Week™
Strike one against Superman Returns…
One reason why I don't watch the MTV Movie Awards…
Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™ - The "Huh?" Prequel Edition
Coming to a theatre near you…
