Warped News 06.22.06: The Dog Days of Summer Edition
Posted by Cris Murphy on 06.22.2006
So I’m a little late. What do you care? I still have a lot of great pics, and that’s all you ever read this column for anyway.
I beg you for forgiveness. I large thunderstorm took out power where I live for the night. It didn't come back until early this morning. So, the Warped News is a little late, and for that, I offer my apologies.
It's almost July 4th time. It also means my life will get a little busy with the upcoming U.S. Senior Open, which is coming to my town on July 3rd. Arnold Palmer and Greg Norman will be there. It should be very exciting…especially if Arnold throws out his back.
But enough of geriatric golf and lightning induced misery. It's time to bring to you the greatest, albeit tardy, news column on Thursdays. Are you ready to hug it out?
You think Hollywood actually learned something? Nah.
Variety reports that ambitious big-budget movies with A-list directors and stars that might have gotten an enthusiastic green light a year or two ago are sitting in limbo. The studios that were once eager to land top talent aren't as willing to sign on the dotted line. Agents and managers are sitting up and taking notice. The studios have finally started to just say no. Hey, it only took them nearly a decade to notice that paying Jim Carrey $20 million for The Cable Guy was a tad "much."
While studios are happy to bet the farm on such franchises as "X-Men," "Pirates of the Caribbean" or "Superman Returns," they would much rather control the project than let powerful A-list stars and expensive final-cut directors take them down the path toward budget inflation and iffy boxoffice returns. I'm a little skeptical about studios taking over final cuts of films, because they have a tendency to cut towards focus groups and not take the story into consideration. Usually, they end up muddling the story and the film and making it worse than it was before.
Thus some studios choose to go forward with a major star but a less established director (producer-star Tom Cruise's "Mission: Impossible III," directed by first-time feature helmer J.J. Abrams) or a name director, a high concept, a major budget and no marquee stars. Still, Rob Cohen's "Stealth," for Columbia Pictures, Michael Bay's "The Island," for DreamWorks/Warner Bros., and Wolfgang Petersen's "Poseidon," for Warners, were all pricey disappointments.
What really gives studio heads migraines are the A-list directors with final cut and backend gross who not only command top-dollar fees but want A-list stars and mega-budgets to go with them. Top talent have become accustomed to demanding all the perks of the studio gravy train. And the studios are like indulgent parents who have been spoiling their gifted children for so long that they don't know how to handle them when they get out of control.
"They have too much power," Amy Pascal, the chairman of the Sony Motion Picture Group said. She added that once a director makes a profitable movie, the studios tend to reward a director with final cut. "It is what happens. You make a movie with a major director, you have to give him final cut or you're not doing the movie. If the movie doesn't work, you're screwed. They bullshit you, you fall for it. They tell you how long it's going to be, tell you the stars you don't want, tell you the budget you don't want to hear. You start saying the things you want to hear. You paid for them and gave them the movie, and that's the movie you get."
But while name actors, who can make several films a year, have become flexible about moving back and forth between studio and indie projects, directors, who invest more time on each movie, are less willing to give up their hard-earned pay scales and studio budgets. "They're afraid they won't be able to put the genie back in the bottle," one studio chief says. It's hard to imagine Mann giving up his perks to direct a low-budget movie.
I'd like to thank Spaaaahhhkkk…
The Associatied Press reports that William Shatner, Tom Brokaw and Regis Philbin are among those who will be honored with induction to the Academy of Television Art & Sciences Hall of Fame.
Director James Burrows ("Will & Grace,""Cheers") and former network executive and producer Leonard Goldberg ("Brian's Song,""Hart to Hart") also are among those who will be honored, academy Chairman Dick Askin announced. This year's inductees have helped shape the television industry and serve as an inspiration for others, Askin said in a statement Monday.
The induction ceremony has yet to be scheduled. More than 100 people are in the Hall of Fame, founded in 1984, including Lucille Ball, Johnny Carson and Walter Cronkite. The TV academy administers the annual Primetime Emmy Awards.
Not a bad list. I'm just surprised that it took this long to honor Regis. He's been in television forever. His daytime talk show has been around longer than I have. Yet, it's taken him this long to achieve Hall of Fame status. Shows that yelling at Kathie Lee Gifford isn't all that exciting.
For all you Harry Potter pervs…
Of course, everyone loves Hermonie. She's cute. She's cuddly. She's adorable. However, she's FIFTEEN! It's like getting hot and bothered for the Olsen Twins when they were 15. It's just gross and sick.
However, that doesn't prevent me from showing what a party girl young Emma Watson is turning out to be. It's not that it's an uncommon thing that teenage stars party. They do all the time. It's just that there are not that many pictures of it happening. But, she's in England, so I guess it's ok. So, here's Emma Watson with a beer…with thanks to Egotastic.com:
At least she's drinking Corona. Now quit thinking of ways to get her drunk and taking advantage of her. Wait until she's 18 and a Lindsay Lohan coke-slut for that.
In my day, we would call her jailbait…
If you saw last week's episode of "Entourage" (one of the best comedies out there), you saw an angry James Woods trying to pick up tickets to the premiere of Aquaman with a rather chesty blonde. I thought she was an actress they hired for the show. Turns out, I was wrong.
Us Weekly caught a glimpse of Woods and his girlfriend and his breast-adjusting co-star walking hand-in-hand in New York last week. Turns out, that really WAS his girlfriend. Read the caption to the picture.
"I knew her when she was a little kid"?? Let me just say, "ewww." That's like waiting for your neighbor's 3 year-old daughter to grow up so you can bang her. She is very hot, and has very nice breasticles. I couldn't stop staring at them while she was adjusting them in Ari Gold's hallway. I would congratulate Woods for the super score. However, he knew her as a little kid, and that just makes you look like a child molester. So, you can give her up so the rest of us have a chance. NOT!
Coming up next on "Lindsay Lohan: The True Hollywood Story"…
Chronicling the ever-downward spiral of her budding young career, it's time to see what our favorite Mean Girl has been doing to embarrass herself this week.
The New York Post reports that Lohan and Sean "P-Diddy" Combs are at war. At a private concert by Prince at Butter last Friday, Lohan got up from her table to argue with Paris Hilton over Stavros Niarchos. Let's stop right here. Who in their right mind would give two sh*ts about a guy so stupid, he flooded a floor of the Hard Rock Casino? Oh, yeah. Two intellectual twits like Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan.
Meanwhile, Puffy and his posse squeezed into her table. "There were only like six tables," a witness says. "Everyone was sharing, but Lindsay refused and began mixing it up with Puffy. His bodyguards came over and picked Lindsay up to get her out." A member of Diddy's camp confirmed, "Lindsay was being so loud and obnoxious. His security became concerned and came over to escort her away."
Lindsay just needs to realize that New York is Puffy's town. If she had a miniscule of talent Puffy has for using other people's talent to get insanely rich, she would have a table at Butter all to herself and her posse. That and laying off the coke.
The Rock's tendon just checked into Jabroni Hotel…
Did I misspell "jabroni"? Twice?
WENN reports that Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson has stalled filming on the set of new football comedy The Game Plan after suffering a serious leg injury. The Rock ruptured an Achilles tendon on the field on Monday while rehearsing for his role as a professional quarterback. He is due to undergo surgery later this week and filming has been put on hold until he is back on his feet.
Walt Disney Motion Picture Group president Nina Jacobson says, "While this is a setback for our production schedule, we completely support him as he recuperates and look forward to resuming production when Dwayne is fully recovered."
Johnson adds, "I anticipate that with some TLC, pizza and a lot of doughnuts, I will be making a speedy recovery and will be able to get myself, and everyone who has been working so hard on this production, back to the business of doing what we love most, making movies."
I saw him at the latest UFC pay-per-view at the Staples Center, and he didn't look like he's been eating pizza and doughnuts. He's almost anorexic-Nicole Ritchie thin. However, I do know the pain of a torn Achilles tendon, and it's not pretty. In fact, it's one of the more painful injuries you can have. I've broken bones that hurt less than the Achilles injury. Plus, the rehab after the surgery is several weeks and very painful as well. Our best wishes from the 411Mania staff go out to Mr. Johnson for a speedy recovery.
Steve Vicious and Fox Movietone Present: Porn Stars In the News™…sponsored by Kleenex Tissues
Once again, we delve into the world of mainstream media as they stoop for readership (not that I'm complaining because pot/kettle/black) by reporting on the activities of the stars of adult cinema.
This week's offering comes from the vaunted New York Post. New York socialite Andrew Parker has broken up with his porn star girlfriend Heather Pink because his mother found out he was funding a porn film called "Trust Fund Sluts."
Pink tells Page Six that Parker dumped her on Memorial Day after his mother learned that Parker had been financing the production of "Trust Fund Sluts", an X-rated flick based on the fictionalized love lives of real Manhattan socialites, on his credit card, which Pink says Parker's mom pays for. Whoopsie!
"He told me, 'My mother knows everything and she's going to cut me off. I can't be around your type of people,' " Pink told us. The buxom blonde added that Parker allowed her back into the Upper East Side apartment they shared last week - and then had building security escort her out before she was finished packing her things.
Parker was set to produce "Trust Fund Sluts" - starring Pink - which is "based on real socialites whose names I can't mention, but if you watch the movies you'll figure out who they are," Pink told The Post back in February.
Parker told the Post that he gives the film a "50/50" chance of being released now that he's no longer involved in the project. He acknowledged that his mother "certainly wasn't happy" about him funding "Trust Fund Sluts," but said his two-year relationship with Pink had already run its course.
Of course he thought he loved her for a while, but we all know he was in it for the boobage:
And just when we were about to give Britney Spears the "Greatest Parent In the World Award"…
Britain's The Daily Mail newspaper caught Sharon Stone being a horrible parent this week. Apparently, Stone caused an uproar when she left her adopted son Roan sleeping in her car while she dined late with a mystery man at exclusive London restaurant The Ivy.
The actress left her four year-old in the care of her chauffeur, but the sweltering heat and constant camera flashes raised even the surrounding paparazzi's concerns for the sleeping
child. And her careless actions are particularly outrageous as Stone is preparing for a legal battle with former husband Phil Bronstein for custody of Roan.
One photographer says, "I was stunned when I saw she had left her son sleeping in the car. Why on earth would she do that when she has a house a couple of miles away. It was a hot night and he could have been traumatized by the camera flashes
going off."
While I'm not big on the moral condemning by paparazzi, I do think that Stone shows a little too much "parenting by someone else" with these actions. I'm sure the chauffeur is a wonderful person and all, but I doubt he's qualified to babysit your kid. It's time for people (not just celebrities) to understand that your life has to change when you have a kid. It's no longer your life. You're life is now dedicated to raising your kid. Sure, you still have a job and a life, but you always have to take your kid's future into consideration. Leaving a kid in a car so you can eat in a restaurant is very selfish and very poor parenting. It tells me she values her acting or her love life far more than the welfare of her child.
Of course all of this is coming from a career bachelor with 0 kids to his name…at least that I know of.
A way to a man's heart is through his father's penis…
The UK's The Sun reports that Jennifer Aniston was shocked when boyfriend Vince Vaughn's parents turned up while she was filming nude scenes for their film The Break-Up. Vince brought his parents along to watch the shoot because he wanted their support.
But Anistonb managed to overcome her initial feelings of awkwardness in front of Vince's family. She said, "His mom and dad were there for luck. He's very close to them but I didn't feel intimidated. It was like finding a new family and they all made me feel completely welcome." Yeah, I'm sure the dad felt quite welcomed.
Am I obligated to show Aniston's ass here? This is what you saw in the film, so am I required to show it now? Ok.
The winner of the Tony is…"Adventures In Bigamy"
According to WENN, South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone are working on a Broadway musical - about Mormons. Dum-Da-Da-Dum-Dum-Dummmmmmm! The new show - which will be co-created by Avenue Q writer Jeff Marx - is currently being developed by the comic duo but is yet to be given a title.
Marx said, "Trey and Matt were over with me in London recently while I open 'Q' here and so far we've written about four songs but we've got loads more ideas. The show is going to have nothing to do with their show, 'South Park', or my musical. It'll be something totally new and it's going to be something totally different."
Avenue Q - which has recently opened in London's West End - is an adult-themed musical inspired by a number of puppet based children's TV shows, including "Sesame Street." Let me guess…it has a homoerotic scene with Burt and Earnie. At least they have they right collaborator for this production. It's not the first time Parker and Stone have taken on organized religion, and certain not the first time they've picked on Mormons. Should be interesting.
Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™
In my continuing search for more hits to my columns, I will offer up this news segment centered on nothing but a hot babe (or babes) to give me a reason to post very hot pictures of said hot babe (or babes). On with the googling…
Actor Stanley Tucci couldn't keep his hands off co-star Anne Hathaway on the set of new fashion comedy The Devil Wears Prada--because he was fascinated with her breasts. What guy isn't?
The actress reveals she had to eventually tell-off her co-star when he kept elbowing her in the chest, because she felt it was inappropriate, and it hurt. "There was this one day where he kept elbowing me in the breast. He wasn't doing it to be like a dirty old man, but if we were doing a scene or I was just crossing to get to my mark (on the set) he would just smack me in my boob and elbow me. If you're a girl you know that hurts. So, after about the fourth time, I finally turned to him and said, 'Stanley can you please stay away from my t**s?'
"Stanley got really flustered and he said, 'What do you expect, you're flinging those melons around like it's harvest season!'"
Is there anything else to say? Except for this: why elbow her in the chest? Is this a way to fondle nice breasts without it being called sexual harassment? Can you actually call an elbow a "fondle"? What enjoyment could you get from that? Are these too many questions?
For the girl whose breasts are like melons in harvest, a photo tribute:
Johnny Drama's "The Art of Name Dropping"
Avery Chan has drunken Canadian blondes and the hot new ADA on "Law and Order." God bless you Avery Chan and your Tasty Evil TV News.
You think Hollywood actually learned something? Nah.
I'd like to thank Spaaaahhhkkk…
For all you Harry Potter pervs…
In my day, we would call her jailbait…
Coming up next on "Lindsay Lohan: The True Hollywood Story"…
The Rock's tendon just checked into Jabroni Hotel…
Steve Vicious and Fox Movietone Present: Porn Stars In the News™…sponsored by Kleenex Tissues
And just when we were about to give Britney Spears the "Greatest Parent In the World Award"…
A way to a man's heart is through his father's penis…
The winner of the Tony is…"Adventures In Bigamy"
Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™
Coming to a theatre near you…
