Warped News 06.29.06: The Look At Her Daisy Dukes Edition
Posted by Cris Murphy on 06.29.2006
If “ugly” is the new black, this could be the year of Cris Murphy!
Once again, I return for another edition of your favorite Thursday news source for Hollywood news and views. I have a lot of great news and, of course, hotties galore for your viewing pleasure.
As I type this, I'm watching the NBA Draft on ESPN. How has Steven A. Smith not gotten an heart attack at this point is beyond me. Plus, how can anyone waste their #1 pick on the "Italian Dirk Nowinski"? I'd rather put it on the actual Dirk if you're asking me.
Just a couple of days ago, I decided to go completely insane and buy the Unrated, Extended version of Ultraviolet. This has to be the worst film I've seen in 20 years, and yet, it sucked in a way that compels you to watch it again and again. It's like watching a car wreck over and over again…in surround sound. I asked my brother if buying this nightmare of a film on DVD just because it was the granddaddy of suck means there's something wrong with me. The clerk at the video store thought it did. I now have a mental disability.
But enough of Adam Morrison and the growing darkness in my melon. It's time to take on the scourge of the Hollywood dredge, and Ewe Boll's worst nightmare. Are you ready to hug it out?
Beware of the Republican Blacklist. Trust me, it's not what you think.
According to the New York Post, Steven Soderbergh's ex-agent isn't the biggest fan of George Clooney. Pat Dollard was director Soderbergh's agent until he ditched his lucrative Hollywood career to make a pro-war documentary about U.S. Marines fighting insurgents in Iraq.
Last year, his Humvee convoy was blown up in Ramadi, killing two Marines and sending Dollard to the hospital with a concussion and shrapnel wounds. While Dollard was careful not to name names, he told Page Six that he went into "a black rage" while in Iraq after reading a certain movie star's pompous pronouncements online.
"I read something on the Internet in which someone was patting himself on the back for having the courage to oppose the war," Dollard recalled. In an obvious reference to Clooney, who owns a villa in Italy, he said, "They actually equate bravery with speaking out against the president because [losing fans] might cost them one less servant at their Italian villa . . . It put me into a black rage and made me sick to my stomach."
Squeamish viewers of Dollard's "Young Americans" will likewise be reaching for their Tums. "It's the most graphic real-war documentary ever made," Dollard says. "It has the spirit and experience of the grunts, absolutely unfettered. I never had an officer standing over my shoulder supervising what I was doing. But I also have the president of Iraq, the prime minister, the generals - so it's not just a grunt's-eye view."
Dollard says his enthusiasm for the war has left some of his former showbiz colleagues cold. "Being a Republican in Hollywood today is not much different than being a communist in Hollywood in the 1950s," he said. "I'm not trying to overstate the case, but the reality is there is a blacklist in Hollywood. It's very McCarthy-like. It just shows the hypocrisy of the left."
And what does left-leaning Soderbergh think of "Young Americans"? "He loved the footage," Dollard says. "He's seen a lot of it, and he has given me some advice."
Dollard says he's in talks with HBO and Showtime about airing "Young Americans" but may end up releasing it as a DVD. "Given the sort of grass-roots support and cult status that it's been getting, it's going to come out somehow," he said.
While I sympathize somewhat with Dollard's statement about "speaking up=courage", I think it's a little overdramatic stating there's a Hollywood blacklist of Republicans. One of the biggest Republicans in Hollywood is Bruce Willis. I don't see him scrounging around for roles. Neither does Arnold "The Governator" Schwartzenegger. There are studios still trying to land roles with him once he's out of office. Hell, Dollard's been with Soderbergh, a very liberal, pro-environment director, up until he decided to leave to make his documentary.
I'm sure being a Republican in Hollywood is tough and doesn't get you to many parties, but I doubt it gets you blacklisted from work.
Ugly is the new black…
According to the New York Post, the biggest trend in TV this upcoming season is not cop dramas or crime scene unit dramas or more cop dramas. This season, it's ugly chicks. No kidding.
"La Fea Mas Bella" ("The Prettiest Ugly Girl"), which debuted last April on the Spanish-language network Univision, is the latest version of what has turned out to be one of the most popular soap-opera stories of all time: the tale of a plain, poor girl with a good heart who turns herself into a rich beauty.
"We live to see her evolve," says Rosa Serrano, a multicultural market expert and senior vice president at Initiative, a media buying firm. "It's very much like a book, ultimately there's a happy ending, something to look forward to," she says.
Last week, all five episodes of the Univision soap - it airs every night - appeared on the top 30 list of young viewers, a group much prized by advertisers. Not just Spanish-speaking viewers, all viewers. The enduring popularity is even more unusual because the typical novela heroine - a sexy vamp - is not the star. What? That's the only reason I watch Univision. I don't even speak Spanish!
"In this case, the heroine is a very unattractive woman, but very sweet, very endearing and very hard-working," says Serrano, explaining why the concept has become so successful. "She's an extremely loveable character and people empathize with her immediately."
"Bella" is only the latest in a line of "Ugly Betty" copycats that have turned up around the world, from China to Chattanooga. The original, a Colombian soap called "Betty La Fea" ("Betty the Ugly One") made its U.S. debut in 2001 (airing in the U.S. on the No. 2 Spanish network, Telemundo) and ultimately drew more than 80 million viewers in the U.S. and Latin America.
So is this just a Spanish trend? No. This fall, ABC will launch an English-language edition - called "Betty the Ugly" - produced by Salma Hayek. In this version, a plain-Jane from Queens rises to power at a fashion magazine in Manhattan. Never really thought of Salma Hayek as a "plain Jane." Then again, she won't be starring in the series either.
This is somewhat of a disturbing trend. I don't mind "ugly" woman on TV. Usually, in Hollywood standards, "ugly" means "normal." However, I see enough normal looking women in real life. I want stunners to look at on TV. Call me sexist. Call me masochistic. I call myself the "adult male 25-45 demographic." And I call it "indulging the fantasy." At least give me that.
Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™
In my continuing search for more hits to my columns, I will offer up this news segment centered on nothing but a hot babe (or babes) to give me a reason to post very hot pictures of said hot babe (or babes). On with the googling…
TMZ.com reports that "Deal or No Deal" model April Scott will replace Jessica Simpson in a straight-to-video prequel of The Dukes of Hazzard. While rumors were swirling that "Laguna Beach" "actor" Kristin Cavallari would step into the role, the honor went to April, a relative unknown.
Scott isn't scared of the comparisons that will likely be made between her and her predecessors. "They're not going the exact same way," April says of the film, "I think I'm somewhere between Jessica Simpson and Catherine Bach, it's a nice medium."
Expect to see a lot of the Maxim Hot 100 babe's long legs in the film, which April tells us explains how her character came up with her now legendary shorts and just whose attention Daisy's been trying to grab by wearing them.
Jonathan Bennett and Randy Wayne join April as they step into Bo and Luke Duke's shoes and Willie Nelson returns as Uncle Jesse in the film, which will be a direct to DVD release sometime next year.
Forget about the awful idea of making a prequel to The Dukes of Hazzard. I'll rent it in the vain hope that April Scott somehow gets naked.
R.I.P: Moose the Magnificant
I know Aaron Spelling is dead. Everyone and their dog has covered this story, so I'll cover something more important to me…and a dog.
People magazine reports that Moose, the feisty Jack Russell terrier who played Eddie on "Frasier", has died. According to his trainer, Mathilde Halberg, "He was 16-and-a-half years old, and he just had an incredible charisma and was a such a free spirit." Moose, considered the Lassie of the '90s, died last Thursday night of old age at Halberg's Los Angeles-area home.
Moose retired from showbiz when he was 10 and was replacd by a younger lookalike named Enzo for the final two seasons of Frasier. Although he also starred in the 2000 Frankie Muniz-Kevin Bacon feature My Dog Skip (as the older Skip), he was best known for stealing scenes from Kelsey Grammer on the long-running Emmy-winning NBC sitcom. For the record, the ending scene starring Moose in My Dog Skip is the only scene I've ever seen that makes me cry uncontrollably. Call me sentimental or call me a pussy. I don't care.
"He was always trying to put Frasier in uncomfortable circumstances," said his trainer, who had rescued him in the early 1990s. "I saved him from the pound. His owners called me as a last resort," Halberg recalled. "He was extremely mischievous, always escaping, chewing up things and running off."
To one of the funniest non-human characters I've seen in a while (that were not puppets or vampires)…
fare thee well Moose.
1.21 gigawatz!? 1.21 gigawatz!!
Cars.com held a survey for the greatest cars in cinema history. According to the UK's Daily Mirror, the time-travelling DeLorean from the Back To The Future was voted the best. The DMC-12 used by Michael J Fox's character Marty McFly beat star cars including the Batmobile and the Ghostbusters ambulance.
More than 200 readers of Cars.com voted for their favorite on-screen wheels. A spokesman for the website said, "The DeLorean achieves time travel at 88 mph, thanks to a lithium-powered nuclear reactor and onboard flux capacitor. By the end of the first movie, it runs solely on trash - and it flies. That's still futuristic two decades after the movie debuted."
TOP TEN
1.1981 DeLorean DMC-12: Back to the Future
2.1961 Ferrari 250 GT: Ferris Bueller's Day Off
3.1974 Dodge Monaco: The Blues Brothers (my favorite)
4.1964 Aston Martin DB5: Goldfinger
5.Batmobile Tumbler: Batman Begins
6.1968 Ford Mustang GT 390: Bullitt
7.1959 Cadillac ambulance: Ghostbusters
8 1958 Plymouth Fury: Christine
9.1973 Ford Falcon: The Road Warrior
10. 2003 Mini Cooper S: The Italian Job
Sean Penn and Bob Villa Present: The Craftsman Tool of the Week™, Part One
This is the section where I find the biggest Hollywood tool in the news this week, and present their gallant journey into infinite toolness. This week's first winner is KEVIN SMITH.
Ohhhhhh, that'll piss some of you off. Smith has blasted his friend Ben Affleck for failing to cast him in his directional debut Gone, Baby, Gone. Affleck is currently filming the mystery drama in his native Massachusetts and upset Smith when he didn't ask him to cameo in the movie. Affleck has appeared in six Smith movies, including Chasing Amy, Jersey Girl and Mallrats.
Smith fumes, "I can't believe I cast the motherf*ker in six movies and he didn't have the f**king courtesy to be like, 'Do you want to show up in Gone, Baby, Gone?'"
Smith is currently in Boston promoting his new film Clerks II and in unsure whether or not to visit Affleck on set. He explains, "When you're on a movie set, unless you've got a job to do, you're just in the way. I would like to see him in his directorial element and give him s**t. But I don't want to distract him."
WELL EXCUUUUUUUUUUUUSE ME! I didn't think that you just had to cast the great Silent Bob in everything you do just because he cast you in some of his films. With the facts that Jersey Girl tanked, he's gone and done something he said he wouldn't do…a sequel to Clerks…and has stated he wants to make another run at "Clerks: The Animated Series", it looks like the creative tank has hit empty for Mr. Smith. It looks like Clerks will be his one-trick pony that he'll live off of for the rest of his career.
For thinking he's the center of Ben Affleck's world (for the record…Ben Affleck is the center of Ben Affleck's world), Mr. Smith is the:
Craftsman Air File
Sears item #00919019000 Mfr. model #19019
With a blade speed of 9,000 strokes per minute, this file makes short
work of material removal. The handle is lightweight and tool includes
4 different files, round, half moon, flat and square.
Sean Penn and Bob Villa Present: The Craftsman Tool of the Week™, Part Deux
I haven't had a Tool of the Week™ in a while, and low and behold, I get two stories worth of such distinction. This week's second major tool is the REV. JERRY FALWELL.
Rev. Falwell, who has campaigned for stronger regulations on racy film and television content, has told a church audience in Lynchburg, VA that the entertainment industry is riddled with "moral perverts." The Associated Press quoted Falwell as saying during a televised sermon at the Thomas Road Baptist Church, where he serves as senior pastor, "You know, you almost got to be a homosexual to be recognized in the entertainment industry anymore."
He suggested that the industry has caused the world to go "sex crazy," then added: "Movie stars not married to each other, having babies and making headlines all over the world as though they were doing some great thing. Big deal! Just another moral pervert. And for them to become heroes for our kids."
Wow. You mean everyone is f**king everyone else in Hollywood? When did this start? I didn't see that coming! By the way, there's a lot of heterosexual intercourse and baby-making going on for an industry where you need to be gay to get recognized. Don't you think? Then again, logic has never been one of the Rev. Falwell's greatest attributes.
Once again proving that you should never trust a preacher with a $5000 suit, the Rev. Falwell is the:
Craftsman Personalized 1945 Collectible 22k
Gold-Plated Ratchet w/Vintage Sockets
Sears item #00942085000 Mfr. model #42085
This handsome replica of an authentic 1945 Craftsman ratchet is crafted
with a stunning 22k gold plate finish. Each ratchet is individually serialized.
Fully-functional, this quality ratchet is 6-1/2 inches long and features a thumb
reversing lever. In addition, ratchet comes with seven beautifully replicated
vintage 1945 3/8-inch drive gold-plated sockets. This collectible set comes
in a handsomely engraved and personalized walnut display box.
Fox can kiss my shiny, metal ass!
According to TV Week, three years after Fox canceled the show, Matt Groening's "Futurama" will resume production for a 13-episode run on Comedy Central. The new episodes will be added to the network's library of 72 "Futurama" episodes previously licensed from 20th Century Fox Television. Voice talent Billy West, Katey Sagal and John DiMaggio will return for the new episodes, which will debut in 2008.
"There is a deep and passionate fan base for this intelligent and very funny show that matches perfectly with our audience and it is great that we can offer them not just the existing library, but something they've never seen as well," said David Bernath, senior VP, programming, Comedy Central.
"Futurama" marks the third Fox project revived by basic cable in recent years. New episodes of "Greg the Bunny" are being ordered by IFC, and Fox resurrected "Family Guy" after the series found success on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim.
Hooray for Comedy Central! As much as I love "The Simpsons", I always found "Futurama" to be the funnier show. It really pushed the limits and really examined how what we do today can affect the future. I really loved it when the alien ate the hippie and…HOLD IT! When did IFC decide to make new episodes of "Greg the Bunny"? Where was the memo on this? I guess I need to order IFC on my cable channel.
Saddle up, partner!
In a rare instance of a cable television show beating the broadcast networks in the ratings, Sunday night's telecast of Broken Trail, starring Robert Duvall and Thomas Hayden Church, wound up as the highest-rated program of the night, drawing 9.8 million viewers.
According to Studio Briefing, AMC's first part of a two-part mini-series drew more than twice the number of viewers who tuned in to watch "Desperate Housewives" on ABC (4.5 million). It was the first original film produced for the movie channel -- and produced the biggest ratings in its history.
This is important. When cable channels can produce content that rivals, if not beats the content on networks, then the networks need to re-evaluate. On their side, AMC did score are really good film by a very good director, Walter Hill. The question really is, why isn't this going to theater screens? Is it because it's too long? I doubt it. I haven't seen it yet (I'm planning on seeing repeats), but from what I gather, it's fantastic.
Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™
In my continuing search for more hits to my columns, I will offer up this news segment centered on nothing but a hot babe (or babes) to give me a reason to post very hot pictures of said hot babe (or babes). On with the googling…
TMZ.com reports that Katie Cassidy, daughter of Partridge Family teen heartthrob David Cassidy, has landed the "coveted" role of Lucy Ewing in the horrible idea of a remake of the hit TV soap Dallas. The film will star John Travolta as J.R. Ewing and Jennifer Lopez as Sue Ellen Ewing. Cassidy reportedly beat out master thespians Jessica Simpson and Kristin Cavallari for the role.
Now you know she wouldn't be here if she weren't a hottie. To the next cute, virtuous Lucy Ewing, a slutty tribute:
New to theatres…
Superman Returns: The only film you need to see. Oh yeah, we got a review for you.
The Devil Wears Prada: Only after you see Superman Returns. Plus, Anne Hathaway melons!
Beware of the Republican Blacklist. Trust me, it's not what you think.
Ugly is the new black…
Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™
R.I.P: Moose the Magnificant
1.21 gigawatz!? 1.21 gigawatz!!
Sean Penn and Bob Villa Present: The Craftsman Tool of the Week™, Part One
Fox can kiss my shiny, metal ass!
Saddle up, partner!
Coming to a theatre near you…
