Warped News 07.06.06: The Rules of Chuck Norris Edition
Posted by Cris Murphy on 07.06.2006
Was Barney Gumble was born via c-section? To find out, you need to read this column and know a little Shakespeare. That’s not too much to ask…is it?
Welcome back to your Thursday goodness of all the latest and not-so-greatest coming out of Hollywood. I'm your host Cris Murphy. Today's edition of the Warped News will be a little short. I'm currently hip-deep in the U.S. Senior Open held this week at the legendary Prairie Dunes Country Club in Hutchinson, Kansas. I've spent many an hour this week carrying camera equipment and shooting footage of old guys golfing. It's a living. No, really. It's a great event that will bring some of the best golf has ever seen to one of the most overlooked courses on the planet.
I'd also like to apologize to you, my dear readers, for last week's Tool of the Week™. No, not the Jerry Fallwell one. I misinterpreted statements made last week by Kevin Smith about Ben Affleck. It's one of the downfalls of doing a news report without gathering your own news. Sometimes, you lose the syntax. I apologize to Mr. Smith for not recognizing the obvious smartassedness in your statements. And to all of his fans that wrote in, I'd like to say…
*whisper* He's still a tool.
But enough of the Walrus and a Player (golfing jokes if you get them) and a One-Trick-Silent Pony. Are you ready to hug it out?
Double, double. Toil and trouble. Fire burns and couldron DOH!
The Chicago Sun-Times reports that William Shakespeare's tragedy "Macbeth" is perhaps on the verge of re-entering the pop-culture lexicon courtesy of "The Simpsons" and Canadian actor Rick Miller.
"MacHomer" features Simpsons patriarch Homer as he is seduced by power and encouraged by his wife to seize the throne by any means necessary, including murder. Miller performs all of the roles in "Macbeth" as characters from the show. In the course of the performance, more than 50 townspeople make appearances. Familiar characters like Ned Flanders and Barney Gumble all play prominent roles, but Miller has even found room for lesser-knowns like Bleeding Gums Murphy and Hans Moleman.
"'Macbeth is really a 12-character play, so I have to get creative on how I slip other voices in," Miller says. Though Miller's show condenses the tragedy's five acts down to 55 minutes, the abridged version is faithful to its original source material.
"Rick has succeeded in maintaining the the integrity of Shakespeare's work," director Sean Lynch says. "Over 85 percent of the text is Shakespeare's. The last thing we wanted to do is have this come off as unfaithful to his story." Miller says the end result is something a great playwright would be proud of.
First there was the "One-Man Star Wars Trilogy" and now this. I can't complain too much. If Miller can get all the voices right, then it could be a laugh riot. However, if he can't, it'll look like a Freshman Forensics tournament gone bad.
Edward James Olmos – My Hero
Ignore Magazine does a nifty little piece on the new Miami Vice movie starring Jamie Foxx and Collin Farrell. In the article, writer Hunter Stevenson writes:
"Attempting to net the last glimmer on its '80s twinkle, the filmmakers sent an offer to Edward James Olmos to reprise his role as the never-not-brooding, pineapple-faced Lieutenant Martin Castillo. He declined and reportedly had his agent send a VHS to the offices of Universal Pictures. It contained a 20-minute loop in which Olmos silently stared into the camera in absolute disgust - eerie."
That's because Olmos knew that this could very well be a disaster. There's no real need for Hollywood to keep recreating hit TV shows into disastrous feature films. So, Olmos, riding high on his new series "Battlestar Galactica", decided to tell the producers of the Miami Vice film his opinion on the subject. I'm glad he did. Reports are that the film is a sheer clusterf**k, and at around $150 million to produce, chances are that it won't make it's money back. Critics could be wrong. I think even The Dukes of Hazzard made money. I want this movie to be good, because I was one of the biggest "Miami Vice" fans when I was in junior high. YES, I'M THAT OLD! I just hope Hollywood doesn't crush my childhood yet again. And with Michael Mann at the helm (who got his big break directing the TV series), there's no room for error.
My one question to Olmos is, "Why send a VHS? Why not send a DVD, like you live in the 21st Century?"
James Bond, Texas Ranger
Screenwriter Paul Haggis may be most famous now for writing back-to-back best picture Oscar winners, Million Dollar Baby and Crash, but he once feared he'd be best known for the Chuck Norris cheesefest Walker, Texas Ranger.
After spending eight days rewriting the pilot episode as a favor to a colleague, he saw the television series run for 10 years with his name attached to it as creator. "Never do a favour for anyone. It will come back to haunt you," he joked during his "In Conversation With ..." session at the Banff World Television Festival.
"That's why I ended up deciding to quit television and do independent films," Haggis told the crowd. "I woke up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat. I'd just pictured my tombstone, and it said 'Paul Haggis: Creator, Walker, Texas Ranger.' I had to do something to right that."
He started his career on American sitcoms such as "One Day at a Time", "Diff'rent Strokes", and "The Facts of Life", and moved into dramas with "thirtysomething" and "L.A. Law", among others. His more recent success with films that sink audiences into depression before racking up the Oscars makes it something of a surprise as he's so effortlessly funny and caustically self-deprecating in person.
His rewrite of the new James Bond script, Casino Royale, is due in theatres later this year. "It's about how Bond becomes an assassin, and how he becomes a misogynist. I think I've probably ruined the Bond series for everyone forever."
Well, that's a glowing endorsement for the film. However, Haggis is jesting and is one of the best writers alive. I've seen the trailers and feel that the Bond franchise is in good hands.
"Nip/Tuck" is Saved By the Bell
TV Guide reports that "Nip/Tuck" has added A.C. Slater himself to the cast. A source confirmed to TV Guide that Mario Lopez will appear in the coming season's third episode when his hot doc character has a homoerotic encounter with resident narcissist, Christian, at the gym.
What's up with guys hitting on Christian on this show? Sure, he's a sexual addict. But who isn't that has two balls swinging? Last season they had a bi-sexual doctor come in and have foursomes with Christian and his porn star girlfriend. Then the doctor, Quentin, starts slapping Christian's cheeks during these foursomes, revealing that he's bi.
By the way, I wonder what happened to Quentin? (I keed! I keed!)
Now, Christian gets hit on by a gay Slater. Somehow, I feel Zack Morris and Jessie Spano would get jealous.
Let's just get it over with and remake Manos: The Hands of Fate…
In this section, I will detail Hollywood's constant race to remake everything it has ever made in the past. This section pays tribute to one of the worst movies ever made, and one of the funnest MST3K episodes ever…Manos: The Hands of Fate…where the monster is a caretaker with huge, deformed knees. Oh, Torgo! Where have we gone wrong?
Producer Jeremy Bolt told SCI FI Wire that he and his frequent collaborator, writer/director Paul W.S. Anderson, are well into development on a new movie based on Death Race 2000 and a second film based on the Castlevania video-game franchise. Oh God, NO!!!!!
"We're talking about two projects: Death Race and Castlevania," Bolt said in an interview on the set of Resident Evil: Extinction, which Anderson wrote. "[Death Race] would be a remake of Death Race 2000, with Paramount and us producing it with Cruise/Wagner, Tom Cruise's production company." I'm not sure what's worse…a new Death Race 2000 film written and directed by Paul W.S. Anderson, the fact that Anderson keeps directing films, or that there's a new Resident Evil film?
The original Death Race 2000 movie starred David Carradine in a story about a futuristic car race in which drivers run down innocent pedestrians for points. The remake has been in development for more than a decade. "Paul came in and wrote the script and got it a lot closer," Bolt said. "We should be making an official announcement about it in the next few weeks. We've basically taken the idea of reality television and extended it 2,000 years. It's definitely a comment on society and reality television, but it's not as a much a parody or satire as the original. It's more straightforward."
Translation: I'll suck.
With this news, now I'm wondering how long it will be before Uwe Boll decides to conquer my Manos: The Hands of Fate. Should we start a pool on this? Would you call this a Death Pool?
Sean Penn and Bob Villa Present: The Craftsman Tool of the Week™, Part One
This is the section where I find the biggest Hollywood tool in the news this week, and present their gallant journey into infinite toolness. This week's first winner is MR. CHRIS EVANS.
IMDB.com reports that Evans and long-time girlfriend Jessica Biel have called it quits after dating for more than two years. Biel, who starred in Stealth and the TV family drama "7th Heaven", also played Evans' girlfriend in two films, Cellular and London.
Evans, who starred in Fantastic Four, is currently filming The Nanny Diaries with Scarlett Johansson. A source tells the US edition of OK! magazine that Evans has recently been spotted out in New York City with brunette public relations executive Joyce Sevilla. Meanwhile Biel has been in Los Angeles filming Next with Nicolas Cage.
What exactly runs through your mind when you decide to dump one of the hottest women on the planet? "Ummm, Jessica is hot and all, but I've had her. It's time to get some action with this Joyce chick. I know she can't be as hot as Jessica, because she's the hottest chick on the planet, but who cares. I'm Chris Evans, bitch!"
For being so damn narcissistic to think that any woman can be better than this…
…and for the self-imposed celebrity blue balls, Mr. Evans is the:
Craftsman 5-1/8 in. Bench Vise, Rotary Multi-Jaw
Sears item #00951858000 Mfr. model #51858
Has jaw width of 5-1/8 in. and jaw depth of 3-1/2 in. Features 3 sets
of replaceable hardened steel jaws for holding flat or round stock. Jaw
openings: 4 in. top jaw, 3 in. pipe jaw.
Because "launch intensity" is exactly what cable news needs more of…
According to Broadcasting & Cable Magazine, Fox News Chairman Roger Ailes "is on the warpath" following the second consecutive quarterly drop in its ratings. The trade publication reported that in the second quarter, ratings for FNC are down 22 percent among 25-54 year-olds and 8 percent in total viewers.
"Insiders say that, even though Fox News remains No. 1, Ailes is fuming over the complacency he senses among staffers," the publication reported. It quoted a spokesman for Ailes as confirming that Ailes plans to clean house of slackers, saying, "Anyone who displays launch-type intensity will continue to have a job at Fox News. Those who don't, will not. And that includes talent."
I'm sorry, but between the constant yelling and snide remarks by Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reiley & Neal Cuvato, I have a hard time believing Fox News has an "intensity" problem. Maybe people are getting tired of talent yelling at us or their guests. Maybe they're tired of 24 news cycles comprised of 3-4 stories. Maybe people are tired of hearing 30 minutes of news and 23 ½ hours of hopped-up opinions.
Maybe I'm just tired of it all. Maybe that's why I'm a cynic.
Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™
In my continuing search for more hits to my columns, I will offer up this news segment centered on nothing but a hot babe (or babes) to give me a reason to post very hot pictures of said hot babe (or babes). On with the googling…
Dita Von Teese is happy to talk about her fake breasts, because she is sick of celebrities denying they have had surgery. In a report by ContactMusic.com, the burlesque star and wife of the morbidly untalented Marilyn Manson, is proud of her cosmetically enhanced bosom and sees no shame in giving nature a helping hand.
She says, "Why deny it? I'll always be very open about it. I hate it when people in the public eye aren't honest about any surgery that they've had."
And to the one thing Manson ever got right (marrying a hot, albeit twisted, babe like Dita), a photo tribute:
Excuse me while I take some time to lavish over the very awesome pictures of Shauna O'Brien and Gina Gershon in Chad Webb's latest Big Screen Bulletin.
Arnold Furious goes to the Far East with some Bruce Lee and Akira Kurosawa in his latest Furious On Film.
And my good buddy Will Helm delves into the goodness of And God Spoke in the latest and greatest Misunderstood Masterpieces.
Coming to a theatre near you…
New to theatres…
Pirates of the Carribean-Dead's Man's Chest: A can't miss. Keira on fire!
A Scanner Darkly: This has to be the most original looking film I've seen in a while…maybe more original than Sin City.
That's it for another Thursday. For my unfortunate…albeit still accurate…mistake of mistaking Kevin Smith's context (while still thinking he's a tool), I give you a present. Inspired by Mr. Chad Webb, a couple of photos of my favorite Skinemax actress, Shauna O'Brien. Thanks for stopping by!
Double, double. Toil and trouble. Fire burns and couldron DOH!
Edward James Olmos – My Hero
James Bond, Texas Ranger
"Nip/Tuck" is Saved By the Bell
Let's just get it over with and remake Manos: The Hands of Fate…
Sean Penn and Bob Villa Present: The Craftsman Tool of the Week™, Part One
Because "launch intensity" is exactly what cable news needs more of…
Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™
Coming to a theatre near you…
