The Doctor in the Hallway News Report 07.12.06
Posted by Ben Moser on 07.12.2006
Natalie Portman finally gets naked, Vince Vaughn finally gets serious, Kathy Griffin finally gets talked about, more. This column is in no way fake!
This summer is one season finale of The Real World/Road Rules Challenge away from being completely without televised entertainment. Even Dog Bites Man has been pretty disappointing. Let's not even discuss what those two sentences put next to one another probably say about me as a human being.
Seriously, if you have an idea of some forgotten show on DVD or some forgotten movie might be missing out on life for having not seen, throw a boy an endorsement. I'll return the favor by helping point you towards essential B-movies right here on this very web site. I'll bet you've never taken the time to appreciate my pick for #5.
Edit: I think I may have fallen in love with The World Series of Pop Culture tonight.
Pirates of the Caribbean is the #1 money-maker of all time while Superman Returns' studio says the movie needs more than $50 million more domestic before they start thinking sequel. Folks, the path is clearing nicely for SNAKES ON A PLANE to be not just the biggest movie of the summer, but the biggest movie ever.
But that's not news to anyone. Maybe this is:
One(give or take a few) little boy's dreams come true.
The New York Post's Page Six is reporting that none other than Natalie Portman be going full frontal in her new movie, Goya's Ghosts. Okay now, get off of the floor. That's it. You okay there? You finally done trying to find just the right body to photoshop her head to?
Good. Because you'll be pleased to know that it won't be a tasteful scene. You okay? Visions of hot, dirty, fake Hollywood gettin' it on dancing through your head? Too bad.
It's going to be a torture scene. Portman's character will get accused of atheism and stripped and tortured. See? The only people who will be able to enjoy that the way you planned to when I first told you the news are Jerry Falwell and that kid who you kicked out of your dorm room for showing any girl you took in there that bondage video he just got finished downloading. Of course, they'll enjoy it for very different reasons. Or will they? (source: chud)
You wish I'd be making this face when you saw ‘em…
Pimplin' ain't easy!
Lindsay Lohan will take a break from worrying about how fat she is to join Jessica Simpson, Alicia Keys, Sean 'Diddy' Combs, Elle Macpherson, Brooke Shields and Kelly Clarkson in worrying about how acne-ridden she is as she joins Team Proactive. Congrats on the sweet gig, LiLo!(source: imdb)
Thank God celebrities get acne sometimes. It reminds me that they're just like us. In every way. I mean it, me and Diddy may as well be the exact same man. I even remember when my girlfriend dumped me because my gun-toting shenanigans were bad for her image…just like Diddy.
But seriously folks...
Vince Vaughn looks like he'll be the next actor to try the political flick as he's set to take part in the Paul Haggis-directed Against All Enemies. The movie deals with the Bush administrations handling of al-Qaida before and after 9/11, based on the memoirs of Richard Clarke. Vaughn will tackle the role of former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill. Rumor has it that Sean Penn will play Clarke himself. (source: Dark Horizons)
This could be a great move for Vaughn. If the role is big enough, it could either make him or have him begging Jon Favreau for another Swingers sequel in a desperate attempt to get people to like him again.
The political heat from being in this flick from professional jackasses like Bill O'Reilly will all be soaked up by the Sean "Hey Everybody! Come Look at How Much I Care About the World! Then Watch me Jump Off of the Diving Board!" Penn, leaving Vaughn squeaky clean, with just a hint of a "Best Supporting Actor" nod. You heard it here first.
People get Downey with reading
Well-known Hollywood misbehaver Robert Downey, Jr. has signed a publishing deal to write his memoirs. There's no title for the upcoming book yet, but a spokeswoman for the publisher is already gushing: "He has an intelligence which shines through all his performances, revealing his intellect as well as his acting abilities. His dramatic personal life, often at odds with his career, adds a layer of complexity to who he is." (source: imdb)
This, of course, translates to "Only the parts about drugs and jail will be interesting."
You could have taked the job at the Air and Space Museum, but noooo...
The international teaser for Night at the Museum, starring Ben Stiller, can be found at YouTube by clicking right here. Why did we bother breathing before YouTube?
If you didn't know, the movie follows Ben Stiller's museum security guard on a night when all of the exhibits come to life. Stiller's screenmates in this film are an interesting collection of comedic actors. Take a look at this cast: Ernest Borgnine, Dick Van Dyke, Owen Wilson, Mickey Rooney, and Robin Williams will all be involved.
Of course, in the teaser, Ben Stiller falls down. Hilarious.
Simon Belmont would be too ashamed to show up in this
In the most atrocious prequel based on a classic horror character in the history of history, a Dracula prequel is in the works. The story of the movie will tie the great character to his basis, Vlad the Imapler. Okay, not so bad.
The story will focus on the more human aspects of Dracula, portraying him more as a flawed hero on an out-of-control quest for revenge more than the self-obsessed monster Stoker wrote about. Hero Dracula, huh? Still a little iffy, but it could be salvaged.
The movie will be called Dracula Year Zero. And that would be the sound of a camel's back being shattered. This movie will officially suck(see what I did there?(a movie with a title like this doesn't deserve a good pun)). (source: Ain't it Cool News)
I reign supreme among Bat-based characters! I go all the way back to year one! What's that? Crap.
One little girl's dreams come true.
All her life, Kathy Griffin has dreamed of making it onto the celebrity gossip page. She's watched people with talent, b-listers, people with no talent, and reality show stars pass her, but today's her day. Why? Because she's divorcing her husband for stealing money from her. "My ex-husband was sneaking into my wallet" she told Larry King, "That money totaled $72,000." (source: imdb) Are you like me? Are you wondering how a woman with Kathy Griffin's "talent" and "career" got $72,000?
Willful suspension of disbelief
For those of you who think that Suri Cruise is just a hoax, and are emboldened by the fact that her birth certificate wasn't dated until she was a month old: have I got an impenetrable rumor-killer for you. You see, it wasn't signed on the day she was born. Obviously her parents were very busy and didn't have time to…oh, wait, neither half of the famed Tom & Katie show actually signed it. They got one of their people to do it. Well, their people were probably all busy assuring everyone that Tom and Katie were mega-in love and that there was absolutely certainly 100% a baby that was made as a result of that. A baby that everyone forgot to make official. (source: imdb)
See? Air tight.
This week's SNAKES ON A PLANE hype
The Latino review(go ahead, I dare you to ask me what I was doing there) has a photo gallery up of screen shots from the soon-to-be greatest movie ever: SNAKES ON A PLANE. You can find them, starting with a shot of some dude who looks like he could eat snake face all day. There was absolutely no way to make that sentence not gay.
I got nothin' for you to watch this week. Maybe enjoy some fresh air or something. Don't worry, July 21st is absolutely slammed with goodness with My Super Ex Girlfriend, The Lady in the Water, and Clerks II all coming out. My poor wallet. Anyway, until next time, don't do anything I wouldn't do...
