Warped News 07.13.06: The Golden Bikini Edition
Posted by Cris Murphy on 07.13.2006
And on the third day, God created the Internet Writer’s Generic Mad-Libs Response. And it was good…
Hello once again my dear readers. It's another Thursday, which means another column filled with Hollywood news and rants from yours truly. NFL Training Camps are almost here. That means I'll be tuning out of everything else and checking the NFL Channel on a daily basis. Go Chiefs!
But until that glorious day arrives, it's time to get down verbally with the hippest cat north of the Pecos, west of the Mississippi, east of the Colorado and south of the Arkansas River. Believe me, it's not as big of an area as you think. Are you ready to hug it out?
This, my friends, is an end to an era…
It saddens me to announce that as of July 27th, I will no longer be writing for 411Mania. I'll be moving to a new city, and taking on greater responsibilities in my job. That, along with starting several writing projects that have never got off the ground, will keep me too busy to devote time here. I don't want to leave, but after 2 years of faithful service, it's time for me to move on.
I'll be doing my Warped News for another couple of weeks, and then sign off on Thursday, July 27th. That's the bad news.
The good news is that when one door closes, another one opens. With me gone, there's an opening at 411Mania to fill. If you think you can write an entertainment news column that's informative and entertaining to read, we want you! If you ever thought you could write a better column than me, here's your chance to either put up or shut up.
Write an entertainment news column (don't forget to bring the spark, your sources for the news and a little spellchecking) to Ashish as soon as possible. Don't waste Ash's time though. If you can't spell, have a nominal grasp of the English language or like to write in "internet speak" (e.g. i lk 2 writ 4 yr site, lol), then don't bother. And don't worry about adding html tags or pictures. Ash will give you the low-down on that if you get hired. Just present your best writing, and Ash and the Movie/TV editors will take it from there.
It's your chance kiddies! You too can write for 411Mania.com!
Remember this day as the day you ALMOST wrote Captain Jack Sparrow's lines…
It's one of those good news:bad news kind of weeks for Pirates of the Carribean 2. First, the good news is that it beat Spider-Man for the largest weekend box-office gross in history. At $135.6 million, it beat Spidey's paltry $114 million and change. Heck, it even beat Aquaman's fictional $116 million.
The bad news is that it might come to an end sooner than you think.
E! Online is reporting that screenwriter Royce Mathew has sued the Walt Disney Co., Buena Vista Home Entertainment, Jerry Bruckheimer Films, Touchstone Home Video and 24 other related enterprises that had a stake in the 2003 blockbuster Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl for copyright infringement.
In his complaint, Mathew claims that over the last two decades he "created and wrote a number of original works including drawings, screenplays, outlines, blueprints, storyboards, and other original materials which included multimedia works, which he generally entitled SNPM, standing for Supernatural Pirate Movie."
He also stated that he eventually filed his drawings, which included sketches of a pirate ship that he named the Black Pearl, as well as a blueprint and screenplay draft for his ghostly pirate caper, with the U.S. Copyright Office. Mathew also says that he created characters called Will Turner and Elizabeth, along with an eccentric pirate captain and a cursed crew.
There was no immediate comment from either Disney or Bruckheimer on the complaint. Mathew is seeking unspecified monetary damages and an injunction prohibiting the 28 defendants from publicly displaying the movie (i.e. through DVD rentals, online downloading, soundtrack and merchandise sales, network broadcasts, etc.). In a not-so-curious twist, Mathew's suit was filed last Friday, just before Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, the first of 2 sequels, debuted in theaters nationwide.
Per the complaint, Mathew supposedly showed his early sketches and other materials to "a variety of employees and agents" of the named defendants, both privately and through the William Morris Agency and Creative Artists Agency, with the hope that his project would get the go-ahead. Mathew claims he was told that his idea wouldn't make a "financially rewarding project."
But despite the fact that the franchise was inspired by a Disney attraction, Mathew felt that The Curse of the Black Pearl pilfered plot lines, event sequencing, characters, dialogue, mood, setting, pace, concept and its overall tone from his Supernatural Pirate Movie.
Although the lawsuit filed in U.S. District Court's Central District of California does not mention Dead Man's Chest or the upcoming At World's End, slated for a May 2007 release, it asks the judge to issue an injunction against The Curse of the Black Pearl and "other infringing works."
Most of the time, screenwriters who accuse others of pilfering their ideas are full of crock. In fact, the only case that has ever made it to trial and won was against Eddie Murphy and Coming to America. If Mathew has all the non-doctored evidence at his side, he's certainly entitled to credit and monetary compensation.
But my question is: Why did he wait almost 2 years to file the suit? Why did he file just as Dead Man's Chest opens? Ok, that's 2 questions. The answer to the second question is easy…he and his lawyers wanted the publicity. That puts a black mark on all of this. And question #1 still remains. Like I said, if Mathew has the goods, he's entitled to big bucks. But, Disney has more lawyers than some tobacco companies. They won't let it go easily.
Wouldn't want to work at Disney right about now…
Normally, I'd just write this up as a Disney Stock Watch™ and be done with it. But, since Disney stock is now worth keeping after the Pixar merger, I really can't do that anymore. However, here's some bad news if you're a Disney stock holder.
Studio Briefing writes that despite the overwhelming success of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest and Cars, the Walt Disney Co. plans to announce within the next 10 days that it will slash the number of films it makes to eight per year from the current 18 and reduce its workforce accordingly.
Daily Variety also observed that in the future, all films will bear the Disney brand. Variety indicated that despite the recent successes of Pirates and Cars, they may not have offset some of the studio's "major misfires" this year, including Stick It, Annapolis, Stay Alive, and The Wild. Yeah. Those misfired all right.
I find it hard to imagine Disney reducing its movie production by well over half. It's not like they've not had bad years before. Stop producing Madagascar rip-offs and cheesy horror flicks, and you might just see better results. It's not the lack of box office that's hurting Disney's film division. It's the quality of the films that hurt.
It's the worst week ever…but for TV, more of the same.
The Associated Press reports that last week was the least-watched week in recorded history for the four biggest broadcast networks. CBS, ABC, NBC and Fox averaged 20.8 million viewers during the average prime-time minute last week, according to Nielsen Media Research. That sunk below the previous record of 21.5 million, set during the last week of July in 2005.
It wasn't entirely unexpected. By tradition, the week that includes Independence Day has the fewest viewers of the year, or close to it, because rerun season is in full swing and the public is consumed with outdoor activities. There also aren't any new summer hits to entice people. Only one program, NBC's "America's Got Talent," recorded more than 10 million viewers, Nielsen said.
And how sad is that? True, TV's worst week comes around July 4th. At this point, all you get is the lousiest of reality TV shows and reruns. Too bad the networks can't follow cable and put out some good shows now…when you know they can score bigger numbers. You put something out like "Psych" or "Monk" on USA Networks, or "The Shield" on FX, people will tune in…just because there's nothing else on. Less people are watching overall because they're outside more, but the nighttime shows that come on at or after dark can still score high ratings.
The Bil O'Riley "Realy Gratest Jurnalizm" Awrd™
Yet another fantastic, trademarked segment to pay tribute to the ever-growing mistakes made by network journalists and 24-hour news networks. This award is to honor the great Bill O'Reilly, who's constant blathering continues to tell us lowly "ham and eggers" what journalism really is. Thank you, Mr. O'Reilly. We wouldn't know bad journalism without you. *sarcasm included for free*
This week's award goes to Fox News Vice-President and Spokesperson, Irena Briganti, who sheds the blinding light of professionalism and journalistic integrity for an entire network (Yes, I know she's not a journalist. She just speaks for them to the press).
MediaBistro.com posted comments made this week by Briganti in the New York Times. Perhaps the most revealing paragraph in the piece this week, Briganti, in a long and carefully worded statement, says:
"Because of his personal demons, Keith [Olberman] has imploded everywhere he's worked," Ms. Briganti said. "From lashing out at co-workers to personally attacking Bill O'Reilly and all things Fox, it's obvious Keith is a train wreck waiting to happen. And like all train wrecks, people might tune in out of morbid curiosity, but they eventually tune out, as evidenced by Keith's recent ratings decline. In the meantime, we hope he enjoys his paranoid view from the bottom of the ratings ladder and wish him well on his inevitable trip to oblivion."
Bitter much? Welcome to network news in the 21st Century. In a more civilized society, journalists and networks would refrain from commenting on other journalists, unless it is newsworthy (Rather's Presidential papers screw-up, a journalist dying in Iraq, etc.). That's because you don't want to give credence or exposure to your competition.
But today, we have feuds like the Olberman/O'Reilly war of words broadcasted to millions each day. Who really gives a sh*t about how these two hate each other? I don't. Just give me the news! What's really funny about all of this is the same snobs who look down on professional wrestling as base will tune in each night to hear these two lame asses go after each other. It's the same damn thing…only without any wrestling. But if Vince McMahon had a shot, he'd center a pay-per-view around these two idiots easily.
Anything that gets chicks into bikinis can't be all bad…
Wired Online reports this week on the Cult of Leia's Golden Bikini. Occupying only two minutes of screen time in Return of the Jedi, Princess Leia's slave-girl costume occupies a unique position in pop culture and shows no signs of slipping.
Knockoffs of the golden bikini are a staple of science fiction and comic book conventions. Unfortunately, most are on women (and men) that shouldn't wear it. There's no doubt that the sight of Carrie Fisher in the gold sci-fi swimsuit was burned into the sweaty subconscious of a generation of fanboys hitting puberty in the spring of 1983. But, remarkably, it's women for whom the costume holds the most enduring meaning today.
"I saw the movie when I was seven and I was absolutely thrilled by Leia -- what a wonderful character," says Amira Sa'id, a dancer who has used a Leia bikini in her performances. "Jabba put her into the outfit to humiliate her, but Leia was such a strong character, her will made the costume empowering."
The website, Leia's Metal Bikini, features over a hundred female fans who model the costume, ranging from some who could almost pass for Fisher, to others who look nothing like the actress. Many weren't even born when the movie came out. Another site offers instructions on making your own costume, which involves finding a "Leia-shaped person" and plastering her torso with modeling clay.
It's still one of most indelible images from Return of the Jedi for me. And you know I wouldn't let this go without a few pictures. First, the real McCoy…
And now some fan pics…
Now, those are some leias!
And now, a word from my (noun)s…
A lot of you write to me about my columns. Some praise my work as funny and original. Some point out flaws in my column. Some do both. I want all of you to know how much I appreciate taking time out of your schedule to read my column on a weekly basis…even more so when you take the time to write. I do read every email I get. However, I do not always respond in kind. My time is very limited, and will be more so next month. It's one of the reasons why I'm retiring from this site.
However, I do want to share with you a particular email I received last week. It's worthy of space in this column for the sheer reason that it prompted me to create something that thousands of people can use. And that's saying a lot.
This email is from a reader pen-named Johnny Sorrow. It reads:
Wow. You are just awful at this aren't you? First you completely fuck up last week due to being obtuse and moronic and this week you offer an almost admission of being an obtuse moron but then don't. Then you take a shot at a guy because he and somebody that you would kill and jerk off on their dead feet for years broke up. But dude she was hot! You're not going to do any better! Maybe she's a pain in the ass? Maybe she smells like hot garbage? Maybe she's a dead fuck? You don't know do you? Then you take an obligatory shot at Manson. What a brave man you are. Please return to your Pussycat Dolls cd and keep your idiot opinions to yourself.
I looked up one day and saw that it was up to me.
You can only be a victim if you admit defeat.
Don't ask me what those last two lines are for. I just assumed it was his email signature.
Normally, I'd just send his email to the trash and be on with my life. However, the Pussycat Dolls CD crack cannot go unchecked. This is not the first time I've received emails like this. It won't be the last. I'll probably get some tomorrow. So, what is an aspiring writer to do? Can he just let this go? If I tear Mr. Sorrow a new asshole, what does that make me? Yes, another asshole.
However, my brain came up with something more constructive. It came up with the first-ever, Internet Writer's Generic Mad-Libs Response. If you're an internet writer, you get emails like this constantly. Here's a tool you can use to respond to such blatant non-constructive emails with hilarity.
The Internet Writer's Generic Mad-Libs Response
Dear Mr./Ms. (respondent or expletive),
Thanks so much for reading my (uplifting adjective) column. However, I am (adverb) saddened that I have struck a nerve with my latest column. From the tone of your latest diatribe, you sounded (adverb) hacked-off at my opinions and not-so-politely asked me to basically go (sexual act) myself and keep my (adjective) opinions quiet. Let me remind you of a couple of things:
1) I am an opinion writer. I write my feelings on (subject). I'm sorry that my latest column upset your delicate (washed-up director) / (useless rocker) fetish. But that is how I feel. If you don't like what I write, you may discontinue from reading my column (regretfully…because your (adjective) emails are such well-(verb)ed and a (noun) in my ass to read). No hard (existential noun)s.
2) As someone who has lived before the "internet", I understand how to not give weight to or (verb) those I disagree with in a displeasurable manner. Sure, you might think it's some type of intellectual (nerdy high school competition), but in reality, it makes you a (noun starting in "los" and ending in "er"). You ask how brave I am for taking pot shots at your (has-been director) / (no-talent goth rocker) fetish. But at least I put my opinions out for public consumption. You rant in a private email and call me names like a spoiled (noun). That must be "brave" to you too. Remember, arguing on the internet is like running in the (athletic event). Even if you (verb), you're still retarded.
Once again, thanks for reading my column. If you have further (noun)s, please feel free to (verb) the hell up. Or am I being (type of angle)?
Yours (adverb),
Cris Murphy
PS: Thanks for inquiring about a Pusscat Dolls CD. You'll find their latest album at (web site) for a good price. If not them, I might suggest listening to Billy Joel's "(Metallica song)" for some easy listening.
If you're wondering how this works in real life, here are a few samples that come from my brother Pat, my best friend Cory, and myself. Enjoy.
Dear Mr./Ms. PRISON BITCH,
Thanks so much for reading my FASCINATING column. However,
I am GREATLY saddened that I have struck a nerve with my latest
column. From the tone of your latest diatribe, you sounded INORNATELY
hacked-off at my opinions and not-so-politely asked me to basically go
THREE-WAY myself and keep my COPIOUS opinions quiet.
Let me remind you of a couple of things:
1) I am an opinion writer. I write my feelings on MILK DUDS. I'm
sorry that my latest column upset your delicate ROB ZOMBIE /
ROB ZOMBIE fetish. But that is how I feel. If you don't like
what I write, you may discontinue from reading my column
(regretfully…because your NAUSEATING emails are such
well-HAMMERed and a BEER CAN in my ass to read). No hard
LLAMAs.
2) As someone who has lived before the "internet", I understand how to
not give weight to or ASSIMILATE those I disagree with in a
displeasurable manner. Sure, you might think it's some type of
intellectual PIMPLE POPPING, but in reality, it
makes you a LOS ANGELINER. You ask how
brave I am for taking pot shots at your SPIKE JONES /
WHITESNAKE fetish. But at least I put my opinions out for
public consumption. You rant in a private email and call me names like a
spoiled RUDEBAGA. That must be "brave" to you too. Remember, arguing
on the internet is like running in the WORLD CUP. Even if you
HEAD BUTT, you're still retarded.
Once again, thanks for reading my column. If you have further
CRACKERS, please feel free to FART the hell up. Or am I being ACUTE?
Yours GROTESQUELY,
Cris Murphy
PS: Thanks for inquiring about a Pusscat Dolls CD. You'll find their
latest album at URINALS.COM for a good price. If not them, I might
suggest listening to Billy Joel's "LEPER MESSIAH" for some easy
listening.
Now, my brother's mad-lib is pretty good except for a couple of things. First, urinals.com is not a real website. Unfortunately for me, I found that out the hard way. Secondly, I didn't realize that Whitesnake was a goth band. Washed-up: yes. Goth: no. I'm hoping that the existential noun being a llama was a reference to Monty Python and the Holy Grail, otherwise, I feel really sad about his education. And now, Cory's turn:
Dear Mr./Ms. Chimpfucker,
Thanks so much for reading my enlightening column. However,
I am infinitesimally saddened that I have struck a nerve with my
latest column. From the tone of your latest diatribe, you sounded entirely too
hacked-off at my opinions and not-so-politely asked me to basically go diddle
myself and keep my well-informed opinions quiet. Let me remind you
of a couple of things:
1) I am an opinion writer. I write my feelings on cheese. I'm sorry
that my latest column upset your delicate Ewe Boll fetish. But that
is how I feel. If you don't like what I write, you may discontinue from reading
my column (regretfully…because your turgid emails are such
well-puked and a dildo in my ass to read). No hard premonitions.
2) As someone who has lived before the "internet", I understand how to not
give weight to or murder those I disagree with in a displeasurable
manner. Sure, you might think it's some type of intellectual band camp
but in reality, it makes you a "Lost" watcher. You ask how brave I am
for taking pot shots at your Morrissey fetish. But at least I put my
opinions out for public consumption. You rant in a private email and call me
names like a spoiled steak. That must be "brave" to you too. Remember,
arguing on the internet is like running in the Tour de France.
Even if you dope you're still retarded.
Once again, thanks for reading my column. If you have further bowel movements,
please feel free to drink the hell up. Or am I being complementary?
Yours allegedly,
Cris Murphy
PS: Thanks for inquiring about a Pusscat Dolls CD. You'll find their
latest album at www.xnxx.com (NSFW!) for a good price.
If not them, I might suggest listening to Billy Joel's "Fade To Black" for some easy listening.
Props for the "Lost" watcher goodness and running in the Tour De France. That makes me laugh every time I read it. And now, the coup de grace…my own. I'll admit, most of these came off the top of my head. A couple of them I got from just randomly opening up to a page in the dictionary. It's good, wholesome fun for any party!
Dear Mr./Ms. Sorrow,
Thanks so much for reading my delicious column. However, I am ultimately saddened that I have struck a nerve with my latest column. From the tone of your latest diatribe, you sounded universally hacked-off at my opinions and not-so-politely asked me to basically go 69 myself and keep my gymnospermy opinions quiet. Let me remind you of a couple of things:
1) I am an opinion writer. I write my feelings on particle physics. I'm sorry that my latest column upset your delicate Paul W.S. Anderson / Axl Rose fetish. But that is how I feel. If you don't like what I write, you may discontinue from reading my column (regretfully…because your rhetorical emails are such well-pampered and a golf club in my ass to read). No hard emotional attachments.
2) As someone who has lived before the "internet", I understand how to not give weight to or molest those I disagree with in a displeasurable manner. Sure, you might think it's some type of intellectual Latin Club, but in reality, it makes you a loss leader. You ask how brave I am for taking pot shots at your Oliver Stone / Marilyn Manson fetish. But at least I put my opinions out for public consumption. You rant in a private email and call me names like a spoiled rhesus monkey. That must be "brave" to you too. Remember, arguing on the internet is like running in the Daytona 500. Even if you blow, you're still retarded.
Once again, thanks for reading my column. If you have further soap operas, please feel free to demarcate the hell up. Or am I being alternate exterior?
Yours dejectedly,
Cris Murphy
PS: Thanks for inquiring about a Pusscat Dolls CD. You'll find their latest album at www.scatlover.com (NSFW!) for a good price. If not them, I might suggest listening to Billy Joel's "Master of Puppets" for some easy listening.
So there you have it. Instead of just blasting away at Mr. Sorrow's misfortunate email, I decided to creatively express my displeasure admirably while providing a needed service to my fellow man. When I leave, think of me (adverb).
Sean Penn and Bob Villa Present: The Craftsman Tool of the Week™, Part One
This is the section where I find the biggest Hollywood tool in the news this week, and present their gallant journey into infinite toolness. This week's first winner is RAY LINES.
The Salt Lake Tribune reports that after a bitter three-year legal battle, involving Utah companies that sanitize movies on DVD and VHS tape, a federal judge in Denver ruled Thursday that such editing violates U.S. copyright laws and must be stopped. CleanFlicks is a distributor that produces copies of Hollywood blockbusters on DVD by burning a scrubbed version onto a blank disc. Those versions are then sold over the Internet and to video stores around the country who offer them for rent. I bet their Pulp Fiction was only 5 minutes long.
In a ruling in the case involving CleanFlicks vs. 16 directors, U.S. District Judge Richard P. Matsch found that making copies of movies to delete objectionable language, sex and violence hurts studios and directors who own the movie rights.
Michael Apted, director of "Coal Miner's Daughter" and president of the Director's Guild of America, said Friday that movie directors can feel "vindicated" by the ruling. "Audiences can now be assured that the films they buy or rent are the vision of the filmmakers who made them and not the arbitrary choices of a third-party editor," he said in a statement.
Lines, chief executive of CleanFlicks, said he plans to meet with his attorneys Monday to discuss the ruling, but vowed to keep fighting Hollywood. "We're disappointed," he said. "This is a typical case of David vs. Goliath, but in this case, Hollywood rewrote the ending. We're going to continue to fight."
I can understand where Lines is coming from. We all hate a lot of things coming out of Hollywood right about now, but if you don't like the content in a film, don't watch it. You don't have to. No one is putting a gun to your head and telling you that you HAVE to watch GoodFellas. Either you watch it or you don't. It's a simple concept that Lines just doesn't understand. I'm sure Lines wouldn't want his neighbors to paint over his house because they thought the color was objectionable. It's vandalism. And in CleanFlicks' case, it's piracy.
In the same Tribune article, they quoted Sandra Teraci, who formerly owned Family Flix, which rented edited movies through the Internet. She seems to grasp the concept. "I'm tired of fighting people in the business. I got tired of the whole rat race, so I'm going to make money making our own movies." Good for her! Either don't go to see films with content you object, don't buy the DVD when it comes out, or make your own films and shut the hell up.
And because he can't grasp basic economics, Mr. Lines is the:
Craftsman 10 pk. Carpenters Pencils with Sharpener
Sears item #00937600000 Mfr. model #37600
Oversized carpenter's pencils have flat surface to prevent from rolling.
Sharpener quickly and easily sharpens carpenter's pencils.
10 pack pencil/sharpener kit.
Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™
In my continuing search for more hits to my columns, I will offer up this news segment centered on nothing but a hot babe (or babes) to give me a reason to post very hot pictures of said hot babe (or babes). On with the googling…
IMDB.com reports that Reese Witherspoon and Tyra Banks are designing wedding gowns for an upcoming online charity auction. The ladies are busy creating fairytale dresses which will be sold off to benefit the American Cancer Society during an ongoing auction at website charityfolks.com.
Memorabilia fans can also bid for a signed Brokeback Mountain script (ummm, yay?) and the autographed jacket Samuel L. Jackson wore as tough detective Shaft on the auction site. Now we're talking! Shaft is a bad muther (shut your mouth)! I'm just talking about Shaft's jacket.
To the TV talk show host with the hottest body and most charitable heart, a photo tribute of Tyra "She's On Firya" Banks:
Chad Webb suffers through American Pie: Band Camp and lives to tell about it. Plus he has more movie news, reviews and a few pics of Lorissa McComas in the latest Big Screen Bulletin.
Why do I worship Will Helm? Because he makes even Bewitched sound funny. Ok, only because he pans it hard. Check out his latest Misunderstood Masterpieces to see what I mean.
This week at the 411 Top 5, we tackle our favorite TV duos. Props to Snyder for including Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank. They totally slipped my mind.
And speaking of Tops, check out 411Mania's Top 10 Essential B-Movies: #10 #9 #8 #7 #6 #5
Well, one down…two to go. Once again, if you're interested in picking up my slack, send your column try-out to Ashish as soon as possible. Not only will you get to write for a really cool site, you'll get the skinny on what us internet writers say behind your backs. Very interesting stuff.
I looked up one day and saw that it was up to me.
You can only be a victim if you admit defeat.
This, my friends, is an end to an era…
Remember this day as the day you ALMOST wrote Captain Jack Sparrow's lines…
Wouldn't want to work at Disney right about now…
It's the worst week ever…but for TV, more of the same.
The Bil O'Riley "Realy Gratest Jurnalizm" Awrd™
Anything that gets chicks into bikinis can't be all bad…
And now, a word from my (noun)s…
Sean Penn and Bob Villa Present: The Craftsman Tool of the Week™, Part One
Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™
Coming to a theatre near you…
