Formerly known as the Idiot Boxxx, until that damned lawsuit from Outkast!
The Idiot Box Proper
File this under "If you Build it, They will Come… and If you Build it on a lake of sewage, far Fewer will Come."
Never in television history have the four major television networks drawn fewer viewers than they did last week, according to the latest Nielsen ratings. CBS, ABC, NBC and Fox together averaged just 20.8 million viewers, the lowest number since the last week of July last year. Only NBC's hot America's Got Talent pulled in more than 10 million viewers.
That suck-fest was the most popular show of the week? Boy, these fools do have problems. There are some easy remedies for this lack of viewers. TV executives, listen up for a free lesson.
1. Make better shows
2. Stagger the season so you have some decent shows to play over the summer
3. Use the down time during the summer to try new and experimental types of shows, instead of more of the same terrible reality shows.
If you follow these easy steps, your viewership will increase. Thanks. Enjoy the buffet.
The Seven and Seven Countdown
New feature. I'm just taking it for a test drive, kicking the tires and trenching my neighbor's yard, to see how it feels. Let me know how it works out.
Simple concept – top 7, bottom 7. Why seven? Because 10 is too many, and 5 is too few.
This week, the topic is Movie Superheroes.
Top 7 Cinematic Superheroes
Personal favorites, and the cream of the crop
7. Mr. Furious (as played by Ben Stiller) A lot of people hate "Mystery Men," but I'm not one of them. The film has some hilarious bits in it, and how can you not just love Geoffrey Rush as Casanova Frankenstein? Anyway, in the motley crew of "Tick"-like heroes, Stiller stands out as my personal fave, with his angry idiot who thinks he is stronger than he actually is. The comedic superhero is an integral part of the superhero universe, and thus deserves some props.
6. Hellboy (as played by Ron Perlman) Hellboy is the demon son of a transdimensional devil, not your typical superhero. With his sawed-off horns and his love of kitten, Hellboy doesn't quite fit into any genre. But he kicks ass, with his super guns and his big stone Hand of Doom, and whips the shit out of a lot of nasty demon-beasties. "Hellboy" is an overlooked classic, and Ron Perlman carries the movie the whole way.
5. Blade (as played by Wesley Snipes) Blade isn't the most multi-dimensional character, and that is his strength. Snipes plays him as a stone-faced killer, and that's the way I likes it. The original film was good, and had one of the best opening sequences of all time with the "blood rave." "Blade 2" was an amazing film, and stands as one of my all-time favorite comic movies. "Blade Trinity" quite frankly sucked, but still, two outta three ain't bad.
4. Marv (as played by Mickey Rourke) Some may argue that Marv shouldn't be included on this list, but to those people I say – if Marv ain't super, then who is? He can jump off of buildings, get shot a dozen times, and kill a room full of cops with his bare hands. If Marv went up against the thing, who do you think would win? I rest my case. Mickey Rourke puts in the performance of a lifetime, and makes Marv the ultimate street-fighting bad-ass.
3. Superman (as played by Christopher Reeves) Sort of an obvious choice, I know. But as much as I hate superman, how can you not love Reeves in the role? The important thing is that he nails both Supes and Clark Kent, and manages to keep a sense of humor throughout.
2. Spider Man (as played by Tobey Macguire) This kid makes a pitch perfect Peter Parker. I would never have guessed it, because he isn't one of my favorite actors, but he is just perfect as this hero. No other word is strong enough – perfect.
1. Batman (as played by Christian Bale) As good as Spidey he, he can't compete with Bats. Bale brings the character to life like no one has before – he is one of the world's best actors, and takes the entire double life of Bruce Wayne quite seriously. His performance is according subtle, layered, and rich with emotional detail. This is a guy who knows what it's like to be Bruce Wayne, and to be the Bat, and he reconciles these aspects together into the single best performance ever a in a comic book movie.
Bottom 7 Cinematic Superheroes
The worst of the worst, those responsible should be ashamed of themselves
7. The Hulk – Poor CGI Hulk. All CGI Hulk want is to be left alone, but puny Ang Lee stick him in puny human crap-fest movie! CGI Hulk angry! If you make CGI Hulk be in movie, at least have it play to Hulk's strengths. More smash, less talk! Seriously, this movie was completely wrong, and missed everything that makes Hulk great. They need to throw it away, and start over with "Hulk Begins."
6. The Punisher (as played by Dolph Lundgren) Like every other hero in the bottom 7, Dolph is a bad casting choice in a poorly-written role in a very bad movie. It's not Dolph's fault that the Punisher sucks, he's just an actor trying to do a job. The entire production is a ship of the damned, but Dolph's face is on the cover so he takes the heat.
5. Daredevil (as played by Ben Affleck) Matt Murdock gets the gas-face.
4. Batman and Robin (as played by George Clooney and Chris O'Donnell)
This has to be considered one of the most awful bombs of all time. In every regard, "Batman and Robin" is mind-bogglingly inept. I am a big fan of Clooney normally, but not enough to give him a free pass on this movie. However, this movie would have been terrible no matter who was plays Bats that time around.
3. Steel (as played by Shaqueal O'neal) I am… KAZAAM!!! Sorry, I got confused on my crappy Shaq films. To rip off someone funnier than myself, this movie should come with the warning "It accidentally watched, induce vomiting."
2. Elektra (as played by Jennifer Garner) Special place of honor because Miss Garner has played the same super-kung-fu maniac in two different bad movies. She was remarkably wooden in "Daredevil" (I've rarely seen two people have LESS chemistry on screen, and she and Affleck are a couple, right?) and did a little better in her own self-titled spin-off movie. But a little better isn't good enough.
1. Catwoman (as played by Halle Berry) A movie so bad it has to be seen to be believed. At the same time, it's a movie so bad that no one should under any circumstances at any time waste the time and energy it takes to watch it. What a conundrum. Spectacularly awful, to such a degree that "Batman and Robin" is enjoyable in comparison.
Davy Jones from "Pirates 2" (I am not writing out that long-ass title any more, but you know what movie I'm talking about) Jones is the spirit of death in the deep blue sea, a squid-headed man with a tentacle beard and a giant crab claw. He would make a good test of might for Hellboy, I think. The movie itself is so-so (I'd give it a 5 out of 10) but Bill Nighy is great as the damned sea captain.
Merle Vaughn is an ex-soldier, an ex-bodyguard for a Vietnamese druglord, an ex-con, and an ex employee for a local dope trucking operation. After his new wife is murdered, this lifelong killer and thug is now the single father of a four month old baby girl. Merle wants to protect his daughter, and he'll kill the entire city to do it.
I'm using the blog to post updates and chapters on a crime novel. It's tough, violent, brutal in spots, even – but there is more going on than crime. Check it out
And after that, head over to the Podcast Homepage
where you'll find collection of all the Podcasts I've recorded with my buddies. Features yours truly expounding upon B movies, music, and dumb shit with a couple of actual journalists. It's called Scene and Heard. It is worth a listen, if only for my Barry White-ishly sexy voice. Word to that.
