Misunderstood Masterpieces: The Dukes of Hazzard

Posted by Will Helm on 07.18.2006

…or, There Are Five Broken Lizards in This Film; Find Them if You Can

I ought to apologize in advance. Unlike most weeks, this column is going to get a little personal. Instead of my usual cynical rants herein, this one may get a little mean-spirited and vindictive. Why? Well, when I was a wee lad . . . I was a fan of The Dukes of Hazzard. While looking back on the show – or watching reruns – one realizes that The Dukes of Hazzard was hokey, quite a bit silly, and utterly preposterous. But, when you're a young child – especially a young male child – there's nothing cooler than a late ‘60s Dodge Charger doing things that late ‘60s Dodge Chargers shouldn't be doing, mainly driving fast and jumping high. Plus, the car was orange. How cool is that?

Sadly, just like most things from childhood, time has not been kind to The Dukes of Hazzard. Part of it could be blamed on the makers – and lead actors – when one of the seasons introduced the Duke boys' metrosexual-sounding other cousins, Coy and Vance. Just for future reference: Bo and Luke = good; Coy and Vance = bad. In later years, there was a dearth of reruns until the show was picked up by the woefully stereotypical Nashville Network and, in doing so, seemingly embraced its country roots rather than its campy retro chic.

That element of the program didn't come into play until 2005, when – as mentioned last week – the trend of adapting television shows to film reached its lowest point. This semi-updated version – more on that later . . . much later – was entrusted into the hands of the director – and one of the masterminds – of the cult comedies Super Troopers and Club Dread: Jay Chandrasekhar. How would one of the men who brought "Johnny Chimpo" and "Coconut Pete" to popular culture handle this high-profile assignment? Some of that question was answered in casting as hipster wunderkinder Seann William Scott and Johnny Knoxville were selected to portray Bo and Luke Duke respectively. The selection of Willie Nelson to play clan patriarch Uncle Jesse Duke was a stroke of genius, as was Burt Reynolds' role as Hazzard's resident sleazy politician – and Duke nemesis – Jefferson Davis "Boss" Hogg. Of course, the average person couldn't care less about these roles, as – to the general public – there was only one important part . . . well two, if you count the shorts: Daisy Duke. Out of competitors such as Britney Spears, Mandy Moore, and even Jessica Biel, airheaded chanteuse, reality-show twit, and recent divorcée Jessica Simpson was chosen to don the cutoffs as Daisy.

Oh no. Anything but that.

Hopefully there won't be any lines about Chicken of the Sea actually being tuna . . . but there is a singer trying to act AND a television show adapted into a movie, which can only mean one thing: a Misunderstood Masterpiece is afoot! Let's find out!

Some time in the recent present, in rural, bucolic Hazzard County, Georgia, the Duke boys – Bo (Scott) and Luke (Knoxville) – spoil the pastoral countryside with their fast-driving antics. Why are they – and their trademark '69 Charger, the General Lee – in such a hurry? Well, they have a load of moonshine to deliver, courtesy of their Uncle Jesse (Nelson). Hmm . . . there's one of those little quirks from the original TV series that everyone seems to forget about: the reason the Dukes were the pariahs of Hazzard County's local constabulary was due to their dealings in illicit booze. And here I thought that wasn't politically correct anymore; thank you for being true to your roots, movie. Although I have a feeling the niceties will end soon.

Bo and Luke, making one of their last deliveries of the day, visit some HOT CHICK (Alice Greczyn) and Luke – the resident Romeo of Hazzard County – decides he has to make another delivery, specifically in the HOT CHICK. While Bo listens to "Laurence Fishburne" narrating Al Unser, Jr.'s, autobiography and distracts the HOT CHICK's father (Northern Exposure's Barry Corbin), who just came back from hunting, Luke gets some with the HOT CHICK. Unfortunately, even though Bo is successfully holding the HOT CHICK's father at bay, Luke's coitus is rudely interrupted by a crazed Steve Lemme (Broken Lizard Count: 1)! Bo and Luke, wisely, get out of Dodge – by getting into a Dodge, ironically – and the HOT CHICK's father and Steve Lemme give chase. Maybe he's going down to "Mex-hee-co"! After a calm, placid drive through the wilderness, the Dukes – and the General Lee – finally jump their way to safety . . . and, more than likely, debilitating back injuries. At least they have some moonshine to deaden their pain.

Finally, after the introductory action, the movie begins proper, with the ubiquitous narrator (country musician Junior Brown, picking up where Waylon Jennings left off) filling the audience in on the particulars of the tale. Meanwhile, the Duke's wild chase finally ends between two parked construction vehicles and the General Lee in a bad way. And here I always thought the General Lee was indestructible; thanks for ruining American mythology, movie. Wow . . . it didn't take long for the good tidings to turn sour. Luckily for the Duke boys, they have another crate of moonshine sitting safe and secure in the back seat; somehow, this means that Bo won some sort of bet, so he beats his cousin with the Atlanta phonebook for no particular reason. After a convoluted series of events, however, the tables are turned and Luke bludgeons Bo with the yellow pages.

If this is your idea of fun, you might be a redneck. And if you have more than one album with that punch-line featured on it . . . well, you know.

After the bizarre beatings, Bo and Luke run to the local roadhouse; sadly, Dalton isn't on duty this day. In Dalton's stead is bumbling, cuddly cop Enos (Michael Weston). I'd much rather have the power of Swayze on my side, honestly. Meanwhile, cousin Daisy Duke (Simpson, trying hard to speak with a Southern accent . . . even though she's from Texas) could use some Swayze action as a random racecar crew chief hits on her, much to her chagrin. Surprisingly, Daisy puts her foot down in the matter, specifically on the guy's throat but, before any murders or further throttlings can commence, some other guy intervenes to defuse the situation. Meanwhile, Bo chats with a racer guy (James Roday) who's there with the crew chief for one of the film's major plot devices: a big, Hazzard County rally race. Of course, the crew chief, as he is sleazy and infatuated with the bounteously endowed Daisy – it's a wonder what some good lingerie will do; those things are usually pretty floppy – mouths off about her in front of Bo and a fracas breaks out because of it. Dum-dum-DUM!

Of course, since there's some trouble brewing with the Duke boys as the source, local representative of the gendarme Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane (M.C. Gainey) arrives on the scene to restore order. He and the Dukes have a little chat about world affairs and the state of the General Lee, which is now – sadly – wrecked due to the construction vehicles, their owners, and a bit of help from Roscoe himself. After Roscoe takes his leave, Daisy – who must work flextime at the roadhouse – volunteers to drive Bo and Luke over to see the local – unfortunately named – mechanic, Cooter (David Koechner). Whammy! Meanwhile, Boss Hogg (Reynolds) shows up at the bar and Roscoe fills him in on the Duke boys' doings. Boss Hogg, oddly, is unconcerned, as he has a big scheme brewing and he just doesn't want those meddling kids interfering. Is he the Dukes' nemesis or a Scooby Doo villain?

Over at Cooter's, the Dukes find the General Lee to be in very bad shape and Bo, who – seemingly – has a symbiotic relationship with the car, is not happy about that. Elsewhere, at the maison Duke, Uncle Jesse does his taxes and then, perhaps as a respite, he gets up from his desk to visit Daisy in the shower. Umm . . . I know this is the rural South and all, but does the movie have to be THAT stereotypical? Obviously not, as Daisy was merely repairing Jesse's illicit still, hidden behind the shower. Outside, Bo and Luke – who must have teleported back home from Cooter's – blow stuff up with flaming arrows and then Uncle Jesse shows up on the scene to scold them a bit and tell bad jokes. Seriously.

After Jesse's stand-up act bombs, Roscoe arrives on the estate with bad news for the Dukes: due to official proclamation – and a bit of bootlegging – the town is taking the family farm. I don't know why Roscoe and Boss Hogg went to all that trouble, though; all they needed to wait for was Kelo v. City of New London to get through the Supreme Court and they could have the Dukes' land much easier. Uncle Jesse, as any aggrieved landowner in this situation would do, vows REVENGE. Yeah . . . stick it to the man, Jesse.

Later, the Dukes convene at Wonder Woman's (Lynda Carter) house and, unsurprisingly – as she is a superhero – she discerns that there's something fishy going on. Maybe she should've used Summer's Eve. Or at least Daisy should have; those cut-off jeans can't be good for the lady bits. The Duke boys, since they're all-purpose heroes, elect to investigate the situation. Meanwhile, Roscoe visits Cooter at the latter's body shop and Roscoe tells Cooter that the General Lee is far more than just kaput as he and Boss Hogg plan on auctioning it off the next day. Well, at least it'll probably go to an appreciative car collector, but at quite a premium.

That evening, the Dukes head over to the construction site from earlier in the film to check out the dubious goings on afoot. While the Dukes get themselves caught up in a bit of barbed wire – they're hardcore! ECW! ECW! ECW! – Boss Hogg leaves the central trailer, which can only mean that there's an evil scheme brewing. With the coast seemingly clear, the Dukes infiltrate the trailer and they discover a safe . . . which they steal by dragging it through the wall of the trailer and onto the street trailing behind them while Bo drives Cooter's tow truck. After some hilarious destruction, Luke has to get out to extricate the safe from behind a telephone pole and then, after a convoluted series of events, Bo ends up dragging his cousin – along with the safe – down the road a few miles or so. Finally, the ride ends for Luke when he takes flight and, along the way, the safe seemingly kills a security guard from the construction site. Luke, miraculously, is unharmed but very unhappy, as is the remarkably alive security guard, who tells Roscoe of the night's events.

Elsewhere, Boss Hogg busies himself by boiling crawfish when Roscoe enters to tell him the bad news about the safe. Boss Hogg, never one for constructive stress relief, attacks Roscoe with some kitchen tongs upon hearing the ill news. Later, Roscoe visits with local loon and bait-shop owner Sheev (Kevin Heffernan . . . Broken Lizard Count: 2); he may be "Sheev" in this, but he'll always be Farva to me . . . and I'm keeping it that way. Roscoe, the epitome of a man with a one-track mind, asks Farva where the Dukes are, but Farva feigns knowledge and then, while Roscoe leaves, he flips off the sheriff. The Dukes, meanwhile, extricate themselves from Farva's bait freezer and then they all watch the news together and learn that Boss Hogg and the driver guy are in cahoots thanks to a lucrative sponsorship contract!

After the helpful bit of exposition, Farva inspects the safe and then, after prescribing the best course of action for busting into it, he shoots an armadillo with a net. I never knew there were armadillos in Georgia. Interesting. After Farva tells Bo to collect the armadillo and Bo complies, Luke jokingly shoots his cousin with a net and hilarity ensues. Sometime later, after repeated, futile attempts to open the safe with a hefty dose of military-grade explosives, Luke utilizes his trusty bow and flaming arrow to ignite the incendiary devices and open the safe with a bang. Inside, the Dukes find incriminating . . . core samples of the area! Geology is so evil.

With the evidence in hand, the Dukes then decide to rescue the General Lee before Roscoe can sell it to the highest bidder. They visit Cooter once more and discover that Cooter repaired and even improved the General Lee in the span of a day; I guess that's the awesome power of Cooter. And I guess that sentence sounds far dirtier than it should . . . but not as dirty as Cooter asking for a pair of Daisy's panties in return for fixing the car. At least now it's evident how he got his nickname. The Dukes, finally reunited with their sweet ride, bust out of the scene and Roscoe, who must've suspected something all along – but didn't think enough to request backup – gives chase. After a near eternity of driving, the Dukes finally escape their pursuer and Bo promises to get it on with the car as repayment. Seriously.

Safely away from Roscoe's jurisdiction, the Dukes drive to Atlanta, where they know they can get Bo's ex-girlfriend to analyze the soil samples that were inside the safe. Unfortunately, the Dukes are trapped in a situation they rarely have to deal with back home: traffic. Also, they have to deal with ignorance, as people either support or mock the Stars n' Bars on top of the General Lee. Silly people; haven't they ever watched The Dukes of Hazzard? That's the General Lee! Meanwhile, back in Hazzard, Daisy, with a brunette wig as a disguise, visits Enos at the police station because she wants to know what Boss Hogg is up to. Luckily for her, Enos doesn't have to spill the beans – even though he probably already spilled his seed – because the driver guy joins Boss Hogg for a chat and Boss Hogg reveals his smiling face on the side of the driver guy's car. After Boss Hogg leaves, Daisy questions the driver guy about the deal and she nearly outsmarts Boss Hogg, but the driver guy is having none of it. This is Jessica Simpson, after all; "outsmarting" isn't in her vocabulary . . . and neither are a lot of other polysyllabic words.

Meanwhile, back in Atlanta, the Dukes go to college, where there are tons of HOT COLLEGE CHICKS – no word on whether they're going wild or not – and a few interested guys as well. I guess some of them like rough country boys. I'm sure they could find a bar for that, though; Atlanta is a major metropolitan area. After making their way through the hordes of HOT CHICKS, Bo and Luke visit a topless sorority and Bo runs into his old girlfriend (Nikki Griffin) there – who is not topless – and her Australian "friend" (Jacqui Maxwell). Ah . . . there's nothing like a L.U.G.: Lesbian Until Graduation. Bo, perhaps realizing the implication of his ex-girlfriend's newfound proclivities, passes out in front of her; after he is resuscitated, his ex-girlfriend promises to take him and Luke to the geology lab.

Back in Hazzard, Uncle Jesse has a little chat with Boss Hogg and reveals that he has the whole scheme figured out . . . for the most part. Then, before Boss Hogg can utter a witty retort, Uncle Jesse punches him out with one jab. Next, he'll be fighting Piston Honda. Back at college, two campus police officers pull over the General Lee . . . and it's Ramathorn (director Chandrasekhar . . . Broken Lizard Count: 3) and Rabbit (Eric Stolhanske . . . Broken Lizard Count: 4)! I guess they got transferred from Spurbury, Vermont . . . and demoted significantly. After a few moments of reminiscing about some of Super Troopers' best scenes, the Dukes drive away . . . and Bo, eerily, talks to the General Lee the whole time.

Later, the Dukes – and the two HOT CHICKS – head over to the geology lab, where the guy that used to work in the burger place from Super Troopers is now a laboratory assistant (Charlie Finn). It's good to see him out of that dead-end job and moving up in the world. Unfortunately, he's developed a bad attitude along the way, so the Dukes don disguises as Japanese executives to persuade him to aid them in their quest. Wow . . . it's like a point-and-click adventure. While Bo's HOT CHICK ex-girlfriend hits on Luke and Bo attacks Luke with a blowtorch, the guy from the burger place reveals that there's coal underneath Hazzard! With this new, incriminating information in tow, Bo and Luke bust out of the college scene with the two HOT CHICKS along for the ride. Literally and figuratively. But not sexually. Yet.

While Bo and Luke chat with Uncle Jesse via cellular phone – who knew Hazzard had wireless technology? – they accidentally end up in a very sketchy part of Atlanta and some hoodies threaten their safety for no particular reason. It could just be that they want to dance with their dates. After a convoluted series of events, Bo and Luke find themselves arrested and then Boss Hogg shows up out of nowhere to gloat a bit about the recent developments. It seems that Boss Hogg's alliance with the driver guy is all a ruse as he's just a distraction from a public hearing to allow Boss Hogg to mine the coal under Hazzard!

While Boss Hogg walks off, sensing victory, the Dukes are sentenced to hard labor for their vague crimes. As two dimwitted cops transfer Bo and Luke to the penitentiary, the Dukes attempt to ply their freedom with promises of racing and sex. The cops aren't having any of it, though . . . but they'd like a piece of Daisy, who stands by her seemingly broken-down Jeep in need of assistance. The two cops, gentlemen to the last, get out to help Daisy and, while they look at her Jeep – as well as her anatomy – she strips and drives off . . . as well as the General Lee as the Duke boys used the ruse to escape (and the HOT CHICKS wisely followed with the General Lee)! The Dukes get away but, unfortunately for Luke, Bo learns that is cousin and his ex-girlfriend had a little something going on back in the day and Bo freaks out.

After a spell of angry driving, Bo and Luke finally make amends and head back to Hazzard County; along the way, they give Uncle Jesse a call and discover that Boss Hogg has him and Wonder Woman in captivity on the Duke farm. Dum-dum-DUM! The Dukes, in need of some firepower, visit Farva and borrow some of his wonderful toys. Meanwhile, Boss Hogg calls Enos – since he knows the dimwitted deputy is the weakest link in the command chain – and fills him in on the situation at hand in order to set a trap for the Dukes. After the call, while Boss Hogg tells Roscoe about his desire to finally have REVENGE against the Dukes, Daisy visits Enos in the police station while only wearing a bikini. Since Enos is a lonely man, it only takes a few seconds of playful flirting until he spills the beans to Daisy once again . . . although he probably wanted to spill his seed on her instead. And I just used the same joke twice in one column. Eh . . . whatever works.

Out on the road to Hazzard, Bo and Luke find the driver guy doing . . . something. After Bo and Luke try to convince the driver guy to mosey out of town and leave Hazzard to them, the driver guy sasses at them and Bo nearly blows a gasket. Later, their plan a bit foiled so far, the Dukes go to the farm to rescue Uncle Jesse and Wonder Woman. Instead, it turns into an ersatz ambush as Roscoe and Cletus (Jack Polick) – as well as scores of other police cruisers – chase the Dukes off the land. Meanwhile, inside the house, Daisy and Cooter team up to bust out Jesse and Wonder Woman. Oh yeah . . . it's a JAILBREAK! AC/DC . . . proud as always.

Meanwhile, Farva, as well as the two HOT CHICKS, head over to the local race and try to convince the spectators to head over to the courthouse but they simply respond by pelting Farva with hot dogs. Come on now; that's just rude. Out on the road, the cops shoot at the General Lee – don't they know what that is? It's the General Lee, bitch – but Luke responds with another flaming arrow and the Dukes get away. Moments later, Farva calls the Dukes and tells them that his part of the plan didn't work out too well so Luke and Bo go to "Plan B" and Luke jumps from the General Lee to do some heretofore unknown dirty work.

Over at the race, Boss Hogg introduces Gov. Mitchell (Joe Don Baker); I wonder if he thinks Joel or Mike was better. Gov. Mitchell starts the race and then, trailing the pack by a large margin, Bo shows up on the scene in the General Lee . . . as well as a large number of police cruisers in hot pursuit. Meanwhile, in the parking lot, Luke steals Boss Hogg's car and, with Uncle Jesse telling bad jokes all the way, they blow up bottles of moonshine to distract the cops. Back in Hazzard proper, Daisy attempts to break up a roadblock with her feminine wiles, but the female commanding officer on duty has none of it.

On the race course, Bo nears the lead and jostles the racer guy and, along the way, somehow wins the race. Boss Hogg, of course, is not happy, but he's even less happy when he sees Bo continue on to Hazzard and his prized car is missing. Bo, still racing the driver guy, heads to the courthouse . . . with all the spectators and most of the cops on his tail. He finally ends up jumping the roadblock – while Luke drives right through it . . . in Boss Hogg's car, no less – and everyone gets to the courthouse in time to block Boss Hogg's scheme. Bo and Luke, sadly, are arrested for their many crimes but Daisy – still using her feminine wiles – blackmails Gov. Mitchell into pardoning the Dukes. Luckily for them, there was a local news reporter (Paul Soter . . . Broken Lizard Count: 5!) on hand to cover the proceedings, otherwise Gov. Mitchell may have needed a little more convincing. Finally, Uncle Jesse punches out Boss Hogg and all the heroes have a party to end the movie. Uncle Jesse smokes up and then performs onstage while Bo and Luke get it on in the General Lee . . . with the HOT CHICKS. Unfortunately for them, the HOT CHICK from the very beginning of the film shows up with a shotgun, so the Duke boys have to pull out early.

In the end, The Dukes of Hazzard – like Bewitched last week – is entertaining in spite of itself. More so than the plot or the dialogue, the casting has a lot to do with this. Knoxville and Scott actually make a believable comedy team and, thankfully, keep the film from taking itself too seriously. Also a plus are the multitudes of Broken Lizard-inspired inside jokes, but those would go over the heads of anyone who hasn't seen Super Troopers or Club Dread. Unfortunately, there's the case of Jessica Simpson, who isn't at all believable as Daisy Duke, mainly because most of the movie will be spent looking at her and thinking "Why is Jessica Simpson in this?" Thankfully, she's not in it very much, so all is well. And, of course, whenever a movie is enjoyable in spite of itself, that's the hallmark of a Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as a legendary sitcom goes for some "urban" flavor and, perhaps, even a Hall of Fame induction. See you then!