Misunderstood Masterpieces: The Honeymooners

Posted by Will Helm on 07.25.2006

… or, He Is “The Entertainer,” so Why Am I Not Entertained?

In 1955, the first – or, at least, one of the first – hit sitcoms premiered on American television: Jackie Gleason's legendary The Honeymooners. Now a staple of classic TV reruns, The Honeymooners may have only lasted thirty-nine episodes – give or take any "lost" episodes – but its impact is still present on the networks today. Aside from The Flintstones – which was nearly a carbon copy, the only differences being it was animated and set in the Stone Age – the legacy of The Honeymooners exists in any and all family sitcoms, especially when the lead couple is bickering but loving and there's a wacky neighbor involved. If only in the real world wacky neighbors were a guffawing Art Carney and not homicidal perverts. Ah . . . one can dream.

Fifty years later, someone in that crazy little town called "Hollywood" had the idea to finally turn The Honeymooners into a feature film. For some reason, though, this someone must have thought that the plight of two blue-collar couples living in Brooklyn wasn't enough to appeal to the masses, so the great minds in charge of making this film elected to give it an "urban" flair, either to appeal to a whole new audience or – and more likely – in their Hollywood minds they surmised that all the white people had moved out of Brooklyn years ago. Silly cloistered Hollywood filmmakers. In order to further their agenda, the filmmakers cast likable actresses Gabrielle Union and Regina Hall as Alice Kramden and Trixie Norton, respectively, and the role of neighborly loon Ed Norton went to underrated thespian Mike Epps. The main role of the film, however, was Ralph Kramden and, for that, the casting director – or someone – went to a man who is not only, by name, one of the most entertaining men in showbusiness but also a NEW inductee into the Misunderstood Masterpieces Hall of Fame: Cedric the Entertainer!

Born in 1964 to, presumably, Mr. and Mrs. the Entertainer, young Cedric went directly – apparently – from the womb to college, majoring in Mass Communication at Southeast Missouri State. After graduating and ending up as an insurance agent, Mr. the Entertainer entered the realm of stand-up comedy, in time becoming a King! All hail King the Entertainer! Of course, his rule was shared by three other kings: Steve Harvey, Bernie Mac, and D.L. Hughley. Collectively, they were known as the Kings of Comedy – makes sense . . . although it's not as cool as Voltron – and their "urban" tinged humor stormed theaters and cinemas nationwide in the late ‘90s and early 2000s. Not long after, Mr. the Entertainer abdicated his throne and dived headfirst into the world of film, usually as a wacky reverend (Big Momma's House, Kingdom Come, Man of the House). In addition to a recurring role in the Barbershop series, a multitude of voice work, and a few random appearances (previous Misunderstood Masterpiece Serving Sara), Mr. the Entertainer also has a handful of lead roles under his belt, such as the titular Johnson in Johnson Family Vacation, the announced lead in the remake of the Rodney Dangerfield classic Back to School and, as mentioned before, today's study, The Honeymooners. So, is Mr. the Entertainer worthy of the Hall of Fame and is The Honeymooners a true Misunderstood Masterpiece? Let's find out!

In New York City, a bus drives and a DJ speaks on the radio. Hmm . . . maybe this is the remake of The Warriors instead of The Honeymooners. Perhaps not, though, as lowly bus driver Ralph Kramden (the Entertainer) pilots the bus and sings along to the funk. Ah . . . I guess the filmmakers wanted to hammer home the "urban" aspect early. Ralph, the very model of a municipal employee, dances while driving the bus, which may not be particularly safe. I believe the taxi drivers who nearly rear-end the bus can attest to that; one day a real rain is going to fall and wash irresponsible bus drivers away with it. Ralph, off duty, elects to forget about heading back to headquarters as he instead stops the bus for a HOT CHICK (Union) on the street. Oh . . . so Alice was a hooker? Interesting. And "urban."

Of course, Alice is – in reality – a classy, professional businesswoman – or so it seems – and Ralph, epitome of class, hits on her by dancing with her on a street corner. Somehow, Alice tolerates Ralph's antics, to the point that they end up having a date on top of the bus. It is there that Ralph shows her a very important package: the Y2K kit he invented and plans to market before the dawn of the Millennium. Oh . . . perhaps I – or the movie – forgot to mention that the current setting is Christmastime 1999. Party over, oops, out of time. While the practically minded Alice wants a simple life – without Paris Hilton or Nicole Ritchie – and a place of her own, Ralph plans on becoming King of New York . . . or even the World! Well, he already is a King of Comedy, so that's not much of a stretch.

Six years later, Alice and Ralph – unhappily married and living in a seeming tenement – argue over some loud plumbing. Instead of Ralph calling the building superintendent or landlord – which any sane individual would do – Ralph yells to his resident wacky neighbor Ed Norton (Epps), sewer worker and comic relief extraordinaire. Ed comes down the fire escape to help with the pluming; meanwhile, Ed's SASSY wife Trixie (Hall) arrives at the front door with a plate of French toast for no particular reason. Ed, trying to get to the bottom of the pipe problem, starts busting up the kitchen walls; in response to Ed's vandalism, Ralph throws the Nortons out of the apartment . . . but he keeps the French toast. Oh the hilarity . . . Ralph is a pig.

Alice, unhappy with the still malfunctioning plumbing and the new holes in her kitchen wall, screams at Ralph, but they make up before both heading off to work for the day. On the bus, Ralph picks up the guy from Office Space (Ajay Naidu); if he's not careful, he could find himself in the Misunderstood Masterpieces Hall of Fame if he keeps showing up in these movies. Elsewhere, Alice and Trixie work at a diner, where, in a few days – to help the diner pass health inspection – their crazy Asian boss wants them to wear patent leather uniforms. And here I thought it was just to increase business . . . just like the topless women behind the bar.

Alice and Trixie, bemused by the turn of events, go back to work and Alice waits on sleazy Eric Stoltz! Hmm . . . I hope Ronnie Barzell is nowhere near this picture, just for Eric Stoltz's sake. It seems that sleazy Eric Stoltz is in town because some old lady is selling her duplex to his company, Sleazy, Inc. Trixie and Alice, sensing an opportunity arising, want that house for themselves, so they sass at sleazy Eric Stoltz, just because they can. Later that evening, Ralph comes home from work and then Ed joins him to watch a ballgame together, as the Mets are in the seventh game of the World Series – snicker. While Ed and Ralph watch intently, Alice and Trixie come home from work and, as soon as they step through the door, they start bothering the men about the house. Don't these silly women know it's "sacred time"? The guys will have time for their uteri later.

Anyway, Alice and Trixie babble on and, in the process of doing so, reveal that they only need $20,000 to claim the house for their own. Ralph, apparently, has an easy way to raise the money, as he seemingly bet his and Alice's savings on the Mets to win . . . and they do! Of course, in classic Kramden style – or not . . . I really didn't watch much of The Honeymooners – Ralph bet on a "business opportunity" – which, I suppose, is politically correct for "Ponzi scheme" – to sell exclusive Mets merchandise . . . which turns out to be teddy-bear shirts and ugly green toques. Cue doleful trumpet flourish. Alice, extremely unhappy with Ralph's business acumen, reviews her husband's many madcap money-making schemes; evidently he didn't see any of those annoying commercials for Bruce Berman's book on late-night television. Then again, in saying that, perhaps I've revealed I watch a bit too much late-night television. Oops.

Later, perhaps so as not to incur any more of Alice's wrath, Ralph and Ed walk the streets together; so Ralph is going to earn the money back as a gigolo then? Perhaps not, as Ed – instead of pimping his corpulent friend out – attempts to console Ralph, who is well aware that Alice is disappointed by his behavior. Really? Was it that obvious? Ed tells Ralph of a few schemes of his own and then they go to a pool hall together – because gambling is always the best course of action when your life savings are gone – and "hilariously" argue over a coin flip. Ed, somehow, wins the convoluted coin flip and then prepares to break the rack of balls . . . or he dances; his gesticulations are just that bizarre. Unfortunately, Ralph gets impatient and, through a convoluted series of events, Ed knocks out an adjacent hoodie and he and Ralph are forcibly ejected from the pool hall.

Out on the street once again, Ralph and Ed try to figure out their next move but they're rudely interrupted by Ed's pager as Ed is called to work deep in the New York City sewer system. Meanwhile, back at the apartment, Trixie tries to cheer up Alice, but she's still disappointed. Honestly, I can't say I blame her. Down in the sewer, Ed fixes the problem while Ralph stands around, perturbed by the turn of events. I've heard of being "down in the dumps," but "down in the sewer"? That's a new one to me. Now without any duty – no pun intended – and lost in the sewer, Ed and Ralph wander about aimlessly until Ed takes Ralph to a hidden prize deep in the bowels of the sewer: an old, fully intact railcar. Ed, embracing the awesome power of exposition, tells Ralph that the city is auctioning the car off, so Ralph schemes once more to buy the railcar and do . . . something with it. Ed, as always, is supportive; probably if he isn't, Ralph will kill him and eat him. Or Tyler Durden will get him. Either or.

Later, at the aforementioned auction, Ed and Ralph, bedecked in their finest . . . finery, meet some Asian guy who's also interested in the railcar. Through subtle subterfuge – muddled by Ed's bumbling – Ralph buys the car for $3,500, $2,500 more than he intended to spend. Dum-dum-DUM! Overspending with money you don't have is DANGEROUS! Meanwhile, out on the street, Alice and Trixie run into sleazy Eric Stoltz who proposes a plan to work with the Kramdens and the Nortons. Alice and Trixie, only interested in the duplex and not sleazy Eric Stoltz's proposal, are having none of it. Sometime later, Ralph and Ed plan on turning the railcar into a tour bus while a friend of theirs – who's inspecting the railcar – lets them know about one little problem: the car is stuck underground due to a lack of track. Oops.

Of course, Ralph and Ed could always run The World's Shortest Tour Company™; now that would be an uproarious turn of events.

Ralph, quite upset that his big acquisition is stuck where he found it, goes back to work, dejectedly. On the bus, Ralph chats with some old lady about hos for no reason in particular. Late that night, Ralph and Ed, back to walking the streets again, find a dog in a dumpster and Ed instantaneously adopts it and names it "Plot Device." I mean "Iggy." Even more later that night, Ralph complains to Alice about something or other in bed – probably his impotence due to obesity – but Alice ignores Ralph's plaintive wailing since she's focused on buying the house. Good for her; at least she's got her eyes on the prize . . . and the prize certainly isn't Ralph.

The next day – or weekend – Ralph and Ed hatch a flurry of moneymaking schemes, including breakdancing in the park, begging, and calling in a plethora of favors and debts. Of course, it's all for naught, but it does kill some time in the movie. That afternoon, the Kramdens and the Nortons go on a picnic together and Ralph and Ed chat about trying to get money for the house while Alice and Trixie, out of earshot, converse about mortgages and sound financial planning. When it comes down to it, Alice and Trixie should just go into business for themselves and leave Ralph and Ed to each other. In addition, Alice reveals to Trixie that her mother is coming and she's planning on asking for $10,000 to help pay for the house. Ralph and Ed, meanwhile, chat about the finer points of Beyoncé Knowles and Chaka Khan. Never doubt male priorities.

Sometime later, Ralph and Ed take the dog to the racetrack and, in doing so, they try to get the manager to let the dog race. I sense another madcap scheme. It's just a hunch. The manager, rightly, is skeptical but, after Ralph and Ed plead for seeming hours, he allows the dog a time trial for the big derby that weekend. He also sends them to a less-than legitimate trainer: John Leguizamo. He charges them $500 to train the dog later that night, the only catch being that Ralph and Ed have to be there on time.

Of course, Alice's mom (Carol Woods) is coming over that night as well and she does. Meanwhile, Alice cooks dinner in expensive cookwear; if they needed money so badly, why don't they just sell that? Ralph comes home from the track and – accidentally – hits on his mother-in-law as she lies on a couch. Ick. Just ick. Ralph then lies to Alice about his need to be elsewhere that evening but Alice isn't responsive to Ralph's needs as she thinks it's another hair-brained scheme. Well, it is, but that's never stopped Ralph before.

Later, Ed comes over with the dog, since it's time for him and Ralph to leave post haste. In order to secure their departure – and because Alice's mom has been sassing at him all night – Ralph plots REVENGE with the help of some cayenne pepper . . . but it backfires. While Alice and her mom talk about the house and the Kramdens' financial difficulties, Ralph suffers the sting of intensely hot food and then he takes his leave to get dessert. In the kitchen, Ralph finds Ed and the dog still hiding out so they elect to escape via – logically – the fire escape. Unfortunately, callow Ralph freaks out once on the rusted metal walkway and, through a convoluted series of events, they end up stuck on a precarious perch. After Ed confesses that he once – accidentally – saw Alice naked, he and Ralph drop to the walkway below . . . a few inches below and are perfectly unharmed.

Finally, Ralph, Ed, and John sneak into the dog track – in New Jersey – and they comically "train" the dog, which includes John Leguizamo "hilariously" talking to the dog. Ralph and Ed, unsurprisingly, think he's crazy . . . until they all start giving the underachieving dog pep talks, mostly comprising out-of-context movie quotes. On the track, Ed runs around, perhaps to serve as inspiration for the recalcitrant dog and then, in a stroke of genius – and an important PLOT POINT – they all discover that the dog is attracted to Ed's ball. Ed's blue ball. Ed's blue rubber ball. Geez . . . perverts.

While Ed's blue ball gets the dog into the race after the time trial, Alice's mother visits her daughter at the diner and gives her a check for $10,000 to cover the difference remaining in the house . . . at least in Alice's mind. Unsurprisingly, Ralph never told her about the ongoing schemes, so $10,000 isn't quite enough for the house anymore. Alice, now sensing victory, goes to the house and she finds sleazy Eric Stoltz there . . . and he's the sassy one this time. The sass is all a ruse, however, as, after Alice leaves, sleazy Eric Stoltz believes there's more to the Kramdens than meets the eye – like Transformers – and he wants to know what's brewing with them . . . especially Ralph.

Back on the bus, the guy from Office Space swoons about some girl he met to Ralph and then, after Ralph gives him a bit of chauvinistic advice, he sees Alice waiting for him on a street corner . . . and she's not happy. She finally went to the bank and, in doing so, she found out about Ralph's latest scheme and their lack of funds and she's not happy with him. So unhappy is she that Alice throws Ralph out of the apartment because he's so selfish. It took her six years to realize this? It only took me about an hour or so . . . if not less. Alice may be pretty, smart, and practical, but she's a terrible judge of character.

Ralph, dejected and alone, goes to see the duplex for the first time and then, from there, he goes to the dog-owners' party . . . still in his uniform. Ed and John Leguizamo protest Ralph's choice of finery, so they pimp him out in an ugly, mustard-yellow suit. Once inside the party, they bring the dog's perfectly legitimate papers – which John Leguizamo procured for another small fee – to the manager but, unfortunately for the "heroes" of the film, the manager tells them that their dog's been scratched . . . thanks to a helpful bribe by sleazy Eric Stoltz. Oh yeah . . . he's SO getting beheaded by the end of this movie.

Before Ralph and Ed can leave and try a new scheme – my bet's on insurance fraud – some woman grabs Ralph and Ed and, thinking they're the night's entertainment, leads them to the stage. Ralph, sensing an opportunity, starts doing standup while Ed plays the piano and acts like a slapstick second fiddle. Ralph, now with the audience's undivided attention, exposes to sleazy Eric Stoltz's scheme and then he plays to the crowd's sympathies, confessing that the dog comes from a lowly pedigree and was found in a dumpster. Too bad there weren't any violins accompanying the scene; that'd be apropos. The crowd rebels against sleazy Eric Stoltz and the manager, sensing an opportunity for riches, allows the dog to race after all. Yay.

That night, Ed and Trixie, seeking to make amends, visit Alice and explain what's going on with the dog, but Alice is still quite upset. The next day, at the racetrack, Ralph and Ed – dressed as pimps – hand over the dog to John Leguizamo to prepare it for the big race. Meanwhile, elsewhere in the stands, Alice and Trixie are together and Alice is skeptical about the dog's chances and Ralph's sincerity . . . and probably his sanity as well. The dog, promisingly, wins its first heat and makes it to the final race of the day. Between races, Ed gives the dog another pep talk while Ralph mocks Ed, the dog, and everything else under the sun. He's never going to be successful with a counterproductive attitude like that. And, unsurprisingly, in the last race, the dog makes a run at the lead but Ed accidentally distracts it from victory with his ball. His blue ball. His blue rubber ball. Perverts. Ralph yells at Ed for destroying their chance for victory and then he unsuccessfully tries to reconcile with Alice but to no avail.

Ralph, now friendless and hopeless, lives alone in his railcar and, while he burns his belongings and past schemes for heat – and will probably succumb to the fumes, ending the film on a down note – he sees the Asian guy's card in the fire and he frees it from the flames. Ralph calls the Asian guy about the railcar and he sells it for $20,000! Now Ralph has to rush to the diner to stop the old lady from signing her house away to sleazy Eric Stoltz. In order to easily facilitate his quest, Ralph finds Ed in the sewer and apologizes to his wacky neighbor. Ed, quite forgiving of Ralph's tantrums, drives Ralph around the sewers and, along the way, he makes civil demands of Ralph for better treatment. Ralph also falls in some sewage and then Ed gets them lost. Oops.

Once at the diner, Ralph and Ed see daylight, but it's blocked out by a total eclipse of sleazy Eric Stoltz's SUV. Ralph and Ed, their quarry in sight, run down to the next manhole and then run back to the diner on the ground . . . and they get to the old lady in time! Sleazy Eric Stoltz, unhappy with the turn of events, tries to ply the old lady with ethical explanations but Ralph rudely tears up his unsigned contract. It's a good thing there wasn't a folding table there or Ralph probably would've powerbombed sleazy Eric Stoltz through it as well. Sometime later, Ralph finds Alice by the river and he uses his bus to apologize to her and tell her he got the house. Finally, after Ralph and Alice make out all the way to nightfall, the Kramdens and the Nortons move into their new duplex, with some help from John Leguizamo and Alice's mother. As a denouement, at dinner, Ralph discovers that the bell from the railcar was worth $1,000,000 and he, unsurprisingly, goes back to trying to kill Ed.

To be fair, The Honeymooners wasn't as bad as I expected. Then again, considering what I expected, that's not saying much. The Honeymooners is terrible . . . but in an interesting new way. First, the film would be average or just below without the The Honeymooners' pedigree; the fact that the film is connected to the legendary sitcom adds a higher expectation that the film just cannot achieve. This isn't the film's main problem, however; that lies in the characterizations. For the most part, Gabrielle Union's Alice and Regina Hall's Trixie are likable and entertaining and Mike Epps' Ed Norton steals the movie at times with a slapstick charisma that would be stellar in any other film. Meanwhile, Mr. the Entertainer's Ralph Kramden is unlikable, selfish, and with little to no redeeming qualities, totally torpedoing the movie's plot. The viewer doesn't feel sorry for Ralph's plight, since he brings most of it on himself to begin with and with no forethought for the feelings of those around him, either. Mr. the Entertainer, whenever your character brings down a film so as to nearly totally ruin it, that can only mean you have a Misunderstood Masterpiece on your hands. Oh . . . and welcome to the Hall of Fame; make yourself at home.

Join me next week as we finally find out what happens when a star of On the Line ends up embroiled with another pop star. See you then!