Misunderstood Masterpieces: SuperBabies - Baby Geniuses 2

Posted by Will Helm on 08.08.2006

…or, Warning: This Film May Cause a Diabetic Coma

Guess what? It's sequel fun time once again! For the next three weeks, I will study three – makes sense – terrible sequels to a terrible kids' movie, a past Misunderstood Masterpiece, and one that actually has an Oscar nomination to its credit.

First up is the much lamented sequel to the 1999 children's flick Baby Geniuses, which is regarded as terrible by many in its own right. In the initial film, the overriding conceit is that – until a certain age – human babies speak in their own language to each other with an eloquence and intelligence unmatched by even the most intelligent of adults. In essence, the innocent mind is the smartest of all; I'm surprised the anti-sex advocates haven't latched onto that message. Of course, in the first film, hilarity ensues as over-the-hill celebrities such as Kathleen Turner, Dom DeLuise, and so on play second fiddle to the film's leitmotif.

Since the film made a slight profit – and someone must have liked it – a sequel was commissioned but, this time, with a slight modification to the original film's formula. Judging by the title – SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2 – the initial idea may have been to create a slew of toddler superheroes, like the Justice League in diapers. Somehow, the end result isn't quite up to that level – or even Justice League: Antarctica level – as the film was a flop – even though releasing a sequel five years after the original may have something to do with that – and a critical bomb . . . now residing at #6 on the IMDB.com Bottom 100 (even worse than In the Mix!). How does a kids' film – which are usually inherently insipid but don't inspire hate and vitriol like this – make its way to the bottom of the pack? Something tells me there's a Misunderstood Masterpiece at play here . . . let's find out!

In a day-care center somewhere in Los Angeles – which happens to be located in British Columbia for this picture – little toddlers mumble and wander around. Meanwhile, Scott Baio and Vanessa Angel – who must have come from their latest Ex-Celebrities Anonymous meeting – watch from the wings. Perhaps as a nod to the first film, Vanessa is curious about the children's baby talk as she truly believes that the kids are conversing. Scott Baio, meanwhile, is too busy with his business dealings and cell phone to care. Four of the kids – Archie (Max & Michael Iles), Finkleman (Jordan & Jared Scheideman), Rosita (Maia & Keana Bastidas), and Alex (Joshua & Maxwell Lockhart) – have a little chat at a small plastic table in the playroom about philosophy and other deep subjects . . . with creepy CGI mouths. I guess that's the effect of Fisher Price's Baby's First Algonquin Roundtable.

After Alex interrupts the intellectual discourse with flatulence, Archie begins a story set in 1962; how he would know a story set thirty-plus years before he was born is beyond me, but I'm not a screenwriter. Anyway, the story is about the Kahuna, who isn't Cliff Robertson but, instead, a miniature version of Splinter Cell's Sam Fisher. Anyway Lil' Sam Fisher (Gerry, Leo, & Myles Fitzgerald), the preschool super-spy, is in East Germany – because every kid loves stories about a child fighting Communist regimes – and, after scouting around an evil lair of some sort, Lil' Sam skates into the foreboding mansion behind a truck. Meanwhile, inside the compound, Jon Voight – Lil' Sam's archnemesis for this story – meets with a collaborator of his and they plot maniacally about something . . . and it involves Jon Voight's orphanage . . . Jon Voight's EVIL orphanage.

While Jon Voight gloats and schemes outside, Lil' Sam breaks into the EVIL orphanage and he soothes the nerves of the scared little German children inside. Lil' Sam, altruistic hero, busts the kids out of the orphanage – JAILBREAK! – and leads them to their safety in a false stump leading to freedom in the West. Jon Voight, not content to have his plans spoiled by a little kid, wants REVENGE against his nemesis and Lil' Sam obliges with a face off! Lil' Sam, taking a page from the playbooks of Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, and Barry Bonds, drinks a potion and mutates into a preschool ‘roid freak. Lil' Sam, empowered by his secret formula, fights and bests a slew of East German soldiers and then, while escaping, he runs over Jon Voight with his rocket-powered tricycle. Jon Voight, as evil villains are wont to do, vows REVENGE against Lil' Sam. Lil' Sam, meanwhile, steals a Ford Mustang – a modern-day Ford Mustang – and escapes East Germany to freedom and heroism elsewhere.

Back in the present, Scott Baio and Vanessa Angel – who are Archie's parents – chat about Baio's plan to test market products on toddlers. Vanessa Angel is skeptical about the plan while Baio is hopeful. Something tells me he staked his entire career on this. Inside the playroom, Rosita, the sassy Latina toddler, gets hungry so she and the rest of the kids start crying, as their baby talk doesn't get them what they want. Meanwhile, outside the day-care center, somewhat elderly Jon Voight shows up to introduce some "perfectly innocent" scheme to the world and he blows off Baio along the way. Don't make Baio angry, Jon Voight; you won't like him when he's angry . . . he'll just start shagging HOT CHICKS again.

Inside the day-care center, a nerdy HOT CHICK (Skyler Shaye) – who's also Baio and Vanessa Angel's niece – arrives to tell the kids the story of Cinderella. I wonder if she'll keep the part where the wicked stepsisters mangle their feet to fit them into the glass slipper; the nerdy HOT CHICK doesn't seem the type to censor. Anyway, Finkleman, since he is equally nerdy, instantaneously falls in love with the nerdy HOT CHICK . . . which can't be any worse than Jake Lloyd falling for Natalie Portman. Archie, who must be the playa-hata of the group, mocks Finkleman's unrequited infatuation. Archie will understand in ten years; Finkleman's just a little ahead of the curve.

Outside, Jon Voight gives a presentation to a horde of reporters; meanwhile, Lil' Sam – who isn't just a story – watches from the bushes and Archie watches Lil' Sam watching Jon Voight from inside the day-care center. Jon Voight, apparently, believes that children are the future; unfortunately, he doesn't think they should be taught well or even allowed to lead the way. Probably because they can't drive. Anyway, Jon Voight is on hand to introduce his giant – and probably EVIL – kids' television network. Meanwhile, while Jon Voight explains his plot to those on hand, Archie tells his friends that Lil' Sam is outside and that Jon Voight is inherently evil. After some mocking – which is only fair, as Archie made fun of Finkleman earlier – the other three kids elect to team up with Archie to stop Jon Voight . . . somehow.

Why do I get the feeling dirty diapers will somehow be involved?

In actuality, the kids make use of modern technology as Finkleman hacks into Jon Voight's website through Scott Baio's computer. Wow . . . kids are using the Internet at younger and younger ages nowadays. Hopefully Baio doesn't have any scat videos on there, though. Instead of excrement porn, Finkleman succeeds in finding spam, which the kids argue about until the coming of Voight's sycophant assistant (Peter Wingfield). Unfortunately for Archie, his friends abandon him there in the office, so he hides out until he's discovered by the assistant. The assistant plots something nefarious, but Lil' Sam shows up on the scene to rescue Archie from the henchpersons – there is a woman present and I want to be politically correct. Lil' Sam fends off the henchpersons and pummels the assistant, allowing Archie to escape to the day-care center where he reports back to the other kids . . . and then they psychoanalyze each other.

Meanwhile, life goes on for the adults and the young adults, as the nerdy HOT CHICK meets with Pavel Bure – or a reasonable and younger facsimile thereof. She attempts to buck tradition and ask him to the prom, but he interrupts her as he thinks that she is volunteering to tutor him to keep him on the football team. Rosita, watching from the wings, vows revenge against the evil jock . . . but she doesn't end up doing anything. I guess the movie forgot about that little plotline. The nerdy HOT CHICK, perhaps looking for a respite from her heartache, takes the quartet of heroes out for a walk; along the way out of the building, the nerdy chick "accidentally" runs into the assistant and, through a convoluted series of events, a crucial DVD ends up in one of the diaper bags on the giant stroller. Dum-dum-DUM!

The assistant, fearing for his life and job security, quickly reports back to Jon Voight about the incident and Jon Voight sets into motion a plan of action to get the disk back. Outside, while the nerdy HOT CHICK strolls along pastorally with the kids, they're stalked by menacing GMC vans! Oh no! It's the killer cars! And there are no giant cats to rescue the nerdy HOT CHICK and the kids, either. There is, however, Lil' Sam, who arrives once again to rescue the nerdy HOT CHICK and the kids from the GMC vans and their evil, jump-suited passengers. Lil' Sam chugs his enigmatic potion – confusing and freaking out the nerdy HOT CHICK . . . she's probably enraged that a role model to the children would resort to chemical enhancements – and then he pounds the henchmen – no women present this time – into submission . . . while accompanied by swing music for no reason. After dispatching the miscreants, Lil' Sam steals on of their vans and he escapes – after backing into the henchmen with the van – with the kids and the nerdy HOT CHICK safely inside.

At his hidden lair, Jon Voight watches his programming and mocks it; of course, it's all just a medium for his true intent: he plans to imbed mind-controlling signals into the children's programming! Unfortunately, he can't do it without the disk and the assistant tells him the bad news about the disk, once again, getting away. Voight, since he's old, has an episode after learning of Lil' Sam's interference. Speaking of Lil' Sam, he takes the kids and the nerdy HOT CHICK to his hideout behind the "H" in the "HOLLYWOOD" sign . . . which must have been moved to Vancouver for this picture. That was awfully nice of Los Angeles to do that. Once there, Archie doesn't shut up, so Lil' Sam provides a touch of exposition perhaps to quiet his young acolyte.

The hideout proper, once the kids and the nerdy HOT CHICK witness it, looks like a low-rent Willy Wonka factory. The kids, as kids usually are, are amazed by the Technicolor wonderland and Lil' Sam's threatening – yet innocuous – holograms. The nerdy HOT CHICK, meanwhile, is confused, since her sense of whimsy has been lessened since her altercation with selfish Pavel Bure. Meanwhile, as the kids hang out and have fun, Lil' Sam gets to work trying to discern Jon Voight's next EVIL move. Elsewhere, the nerdy HOT CHICK finds a weird imagination machine and the kids, ever curious, get in. Lil' Sam, perhaps meddling a little too much, uses the machine to mutate the kids and they all get ironic, superheroic alter egos. The kids object to their newfound identities – except for always agreeable Alex – so Lil' Sam changes them back to their normal selves.

While the kids have fun with bizarre technology, the nerdy HOT CHICK mopes on the sidelines and yells at animatronic statues for no reason. After she berates a few statues and even a hologram or two, the nerdy HOT CHICK finally meets another real person: Lil' Sam's personal inventor, Zack (Justin Chatwin). The nerdy HOT CHICK, finally happy to see someone real, bonds with Zack as he explains all the particulars of Lil' Sam's hidden fortress. As everything is going on below him, Lil' Sam sits in his perch and talks to Whoopi Goldberg . . . who went to some kid's graduation. He then calls some boy band, who serenades him for no particular reason. Lil' Sam, perhaps as a bit of political commentary, puts President Bush on hold. Meanwhile, in Washington, Dick Cheney plans on going hunting with Lil' Sam for that indiscretion. Or hunting FOR Lil' Sam, as the case may be.

Over at the day-care center, Scott Baio freaks out as the four kids and the nerdy HOT CHICK are all missing! Luckily for him, his fears are allayed when the helpful hologram of a police officer calls and tells him that the kids and the nerdy HOT CHICK are trapped safely in San Diego for the evening. That's going to be a long drive back to Vancouver. Meanwhile, Jon Voight, in his mighty lair, freaks out and then he and his assistant slide down a pair of tubes to Voight's even more hidden fortress. Is it a rule that no villain can ever just have stairs? Back at Lil' Sam's, he meditates while Archie comes along and asks for some backstory. Lil' Sam refuses, so, in lieu of exposition, Archie wants Lil' Sam to mentor him in the art of being a preschool Splinter Cell agent. Lil' Sam, once again, refuses; I guess there are things about him Archie wouldn't, couldn't, and shouldn't understand.

While Jon Voight is still in the process of plotting REVENGE against Lil' Sam, the nerdy HOT CHICK bonds further with Zack . . . or at least as much bonding that's allowed in a children's movie. Luckily for the nerdy HOT CHICK – and an eavesdropping Archie – even though Lil' Sam is reluctant to reveal his past, Zack does it anyway. It seems that Lil' Sam has an origin very much like Captain America except that Lil' Sam was mutated by one of his father's serums as a baby and is now stuck in the body of a child. Which means, disturbingly, that if Lil' Sam was born between the World Wars, he's pretty much an 80-year-old stuck in the body of a seven-year-old. Freaky. Anyway, while Lil' Sam excels in his athletic endeavors – while still looking like a preschooler – his oddly German elder brother flips out and leaves the household . . . just in time for Lil' Sam's father to die of some vague disease. It's probably from working around all those chemicals. Though the elder brother is unmoved, Lil' Sam is . . . specifically to an orphanage which he breaks out of since he technically isn't a minor anymore. Is it just me or did this movie take a really dark turn?

The next day, the nerdy HOT CHICK, while rummaging through the belongings on the stroller, finds the mysterious missing disk among the diapers, powders, and tinctures. She hands it over to Zack, who replies by asking her on a lunch date before she and the kids leave for "Los Angeles." The nerdy HOT CHICK, since she's the stereotypical wallflower who hasn't tapped into her inherent hotness, freaks out but Finkleman and Rosita team up to console her with that tried and true method of boosting someone's spirits: a makeover! Carson, Thom, Jai, Ted, and Kyan would be proud . . . if they hadn't just been cancelled. Once outside at a picnic, Zack and the nerdy HOT CHICK skip the small talk and just make out – since he likes her better now that she has a sluttier edge to her – but Lil' Sam interrupts their fun before any coitus can commence because he's found a clue!

Not long after, the nerdy HOT CHICK and the kids return back to "Los Angeles"; before they depart, Lil' Sam gives Archie some sort of device. Back in "Los Angeles," Jon Voight, on the grounds of the day-care center, introduces his new show to the masses. Meanwhile, Zack, in disguise as a security guard, scouts around the perimeter while Lil' Sam orders him around like a crotchety old guy . . . stuck in he body of a preschooler. While Jon Voight counts down the seconds until his master plan begins, Lil' Sam arrives on the scene in a helicopter to distract the audience from Jon Voight's mind-control beams. Lil' Sam, perhaps cocky with his recent successes, then fires a laser at Jon Voight's satellite dishes, but they somehow reflect the bolts back and vaporize Lil' Sam! OK . . . now this movie REALLY took a dark turn. What kid is going to want to see this? And, more importantly, what parent is going to take their kid to see this? Weird. In the aftermath, Zack wrecks the transmission but gets arrested for his act of heroism; luckily, Jon Voight doesn't press charges. Meanwhile, the nerdy HOT CHICK tries to explain the situation to Scott Baio and Vanessa Angel, but no one believes slutted-up nerdy HOT CHICKS.

Safely within the confines of the day-care center, the kids plot their next move as they seek to avenge Lil' Sam. Archie, thinking quickly, activates the device Lil' Sam gave him and it turns out to a hologram of Lil' Sam. The hologram merely gives the kids a pep talk and tells them that they need to take advantage of their ironic superhero alter egos once more. Gee . . . as if the foreshadowing earlier in the film didn't make that obvious. The kids, emboldened by Lil' Sam's holographic speech, team up to rescue him.

Meanwhile, Jon Voight has Lil' Sam in captivity and he, like every other villain, finally reveals his secret plan: he wants to mind control the entire world . . . with his children's programming. Lil' Sam, ever the hero, responds with witty epithets. Something tells me there's a bit of fear in his bravado, though. Jon Voight may sense the same thing as he imprisons Lil' Sam and takes a hilarious amount of gadgets from his cargo pants. Elsewhere, Baio is distracted because the kids are missing again . . . and this time they're trying to steal Baio's van! So Lil' Sam inspires toddlers to resort to lives of crime? Interesting. Before they make off with the van, however, the toddlers are foiled by Baio himself . . . until the nerdy HOT CHICK steps in to explain just what's going on. Again. Well, at least she's not just another pretty girl. She also has EXPOSITION!

While Lil' Sam, in Jon Voight's lair, tricks a robot into freeing him from his convoluted prison, Scott Baio, Vanessa Angel, the nerdy HOT CHICK, and the kids head over to Lil' Sam's hideout. Jon Voight, sensing victory, schemes and gloats . . . until Lil' Sam steals his crucial disk once again and escapes! Meanwhile, at Lil' Sam's hideout, the nerdy HOT CHICK and Zack team up and then Zack warns Scott Baio and Vanessa Angel of the impending danger. The kids, simultaneously, use the imagination machine again and once more transform into their ironic alter egos.

With his headquarters fortified by the day-care squad, Lil' Sam arrives with Jon Voight in tow just in time for a final showdown. Jon Voight, believing Lil' Sam to be outnumbered, gloats . . . until the rest of the heroes show up! Dum-dum-DUM! Finkleman beats up a horde of henchpersons while Rosita makes two guys fall in love. All together now: I wish I knew how to quit you! Some guy punches out Baio, so Vanessa Angel kicks him in the jimmy and subdues him. Yeah . . . usually that'll work. Elsewhere, the nerdy HOT CHICK – clad in a leather jumpsuit . . . I guess it's for the dirty old men in the audience – bests Jon Voight's henchwoman while Alex "bounces" around, as his superpower is bouncing. Yup. Bouncing.

In the midst of the chaos and tumult, Archie steals the disk and there is much rejoicing on the hero side . . . until Jon Voight steals it right back somehow. Finally, Jon Voight, in his moment of triumph, reveals what was just painfully obvious throughout the whole film: he's Lil' Sam's older brother! Oh, and he's evil due to jealousy because their father always liked Lil' Sam more. Or something like that. It's all very Freudian. Anyway, Jon Voight attempts to use Lil' Sam's satellites to beam his mind control rays around the world but Archie and Lil' Sam outsmart him and relay the opposite effect to television viewers everywhere. OK . . . I don't want to nitpick ethics, but isn't that still mind control of sorts? Such a quandary!

Finally, perhaps ending their business partnership, Scott Baio punches out Jon Voight, directly into the imagination machine. Lil' Sam activates the machine and Jon Voight regresses back to a toddler and the assistant – who wisely remained on the sidelines throughout the entire brawl – vows to care for him like his own child . . . which is just kind of creepy. With the situation now settled and the heroes victorious, Lil' Sam has to leave and, while wishing Archie goodbye, he quotes Casablanca in a reference that would go over the heads of 99% of the audience. Either that, or Lil' Sam just isn't going to play it just one more time. In the end, Archie finds love with his once-absentee parents and then Zack finally meets his mom – who was mentioned in a throwaway plot point earlier in the film – and everyone lives happily ever after. Except maybe Jon Voight, who now has a creepy British guy caring for him.

I think the best analogy for this movie may just be the classic candy Good N' Plenty. On the outside, the movie – like the confection – is saccharine sweet and so cute that you'll go into diabetic shock. Once one gets past the outer layer, however, the film has a dark, bitter undercurrent of death, jealousy, familial disputes, and other unsavory traits . . . just like licorice. Well, even though I don't think licorice is capable of jealousy, but that's beside the point. The glossy coating of the film would be one to lure children and, especially, parents in but I can only imagine how horrified the audience would be at the end product, as the film as a whole isn't really appropriate for any audience. It's too cute for parents and anyone over five or so and it's far too dark – and somewhat convoluted – for any younger viewers. At least it has the honor of being a Misunderstood Masterpiece going for it, which is nice.

Join me next week as I bring a sequel to a past Misunderstood Masterpiece . . . and this one doesn't involve Thunder Ninja Kids, Keanu Reeves, or Giggly Tits. But it does have SWAYZE! See you then!