Misunderstood Masterpieces: Staying Alive
Posted by Will Helm on 08.22.2006
or, It Sounds Like a Horror Movie Title, but Its Actually Just Horrible
In 1977, alongside the groundbreaking Star Wars of course I have to mention my favorite movie of all time whenever the opportunity arises a film came along that blew away audiences and critics across the nation. The startling coming-of-age tale about a young man from Brooklyn, Saturday Night Fever amazed critics with its honest tone and tenor and entranced audiences with its big dance numbers and unparalleled soundtrack. Most of all, its star, John Travolta, was pushed to the stratosphere, losing the stigma of being Welcome Back, Kotter's Vinnie Barbarino and garnering an Oscar nomination as well as a career most would envy . . . for a brief period of time.
In the span of six years or so, Travolta's films ruled the box office, as he followed up Saturday Night Fever with the blockbuster musical Grease and the film tailor made for the educated redneck, Urban Cowboy. Once those six years were up, however, Travolta disappeared into the nadir of his career, barely working and, when he was working, it was in terrible films usually crafted to fill time on HBO in the afternoon. Finally, after a near hiatus of another six years, it took the combined power of the high-grossing Look Who's Talking films and, finally, Quentin Tarantino's masterful Pulp Fiction to reinvigorate Travolta's career and renew his place in Hollywood. But not in Stan Marsh's closet.
The great mystery here is just what happened between Urban Cowboy in 1980 and Look Who's Talking in 1989 and there can only be one answer: 1983's sequel to Saturday Night Fever, Staying Alive. Named by none other than Entertainment Weekly as the worst sequel ever made, Staying Alive holds a dear place in the pantheon of legendarily terrible films. Continuing the further adventures of the original film's protagonist, Tony Manero, Staying Alive pits common and iconoclastic Tony against the treacherous, political world of . . . Broadway dancing! Seriously. Directed by if one can believe it SylvesterStallone, Staying Alive remains a reviled entry in the book of terrible, unneeded sequels but, as always, even the dregs of cinema need further study, especially when they just might be Misunderstood Masterpieces. Let's find out if this one is!
Once again, because no one asked for it . . . Travolta dances! Well, not Travolta per se, but his legendary character and stereotypical Brooklynite characterization Tony Manero. While Tony sweats and gesticulates on the dance floor of a rehearsal hall, women leave dejectedly and Red Foreman (Kurtwood Smith) watches intently. I wonder if Dick Jones told him to be there. Meanwhile, between numbers, guys smoke and take Quaaludes to calm their nerves. Ah, it's the early 80s. There's nothing like it. Red, tough-as-nails choreographer that he is, sends a herd of prospective dancers home, including Tony.
Tony, depressed by his own failure, walks the streets of New York, hopefully not looking for his next john. Then again, it worked for Midnight Cowboy and nearly Jon Voight, and look where his career is now. Actually, Tony isn't a ne'er-do-well gigolo trolling the streets of Gotham as he walks mournfully to a nearby dance school where the blonde from Dirty Dancing (Cynthia Rhodes) works. After Tony says "hello" to the blonde chick, his uppity boss scolds him for being late for work so he sexually harasses her in response. Later that afternoon, Tony teaches a class and has to remain optimistic about the prospects of his clumsy, inept students. Poor Tony; he may not be prostituting his body, but he's whoring out his soul instead.
Back at his dingy apartment, Tony strips for the ladies in the audience and then he goes back out on the streets to wait tables at a cheesy dance club. Once there, a drunk chick hits on Tony and then he jokes with the bartender about his sexual prowess. Tony's sexual prowess, not the bartender's. I should hope Tony doesn't know much about that, especially firsthand. After Tony finishes with the bartender, another chick who looks disturbingly like a young Jane Kaczmarek from Malcolm in the Middle hits on Tony, but he's having none of it because she and her female friend "party too hard." Nearly twenty-five years later and any stereotypical man would be jumping at the offer, since there's nothing more enchanting than an implied guy-girl-girl threesome nowadays. It's amazing how society can change over the course of a generation.
Sometime overnight, Tony hooks up with the blonde chick from Dirty Dancing named "Jackie" in this picture and then he leaves her side early in the morning for reasons momentarily unrevealed. Later, the reason is discerned as Tony goes in search of Leonard Nimoy would be proud an agent, but they don't want him because he's a self-proclaimed "dancer by nature." Although I think it probably has more to do with his somewhat incomprehensible Brooklyn accent, but that's just my opinion. That afternoon, Tony complains about his lack of success to a very comforting Jackie and he's somewhat perturbed and envious that she's easy going about her career developments. Maybe it's not good for the psyche to be solely a "dancer by nature."
That night, Tony goes to see a show Jackie is dancing in and he's instantly enamored with the show's lead dancer, Style Network host Finola Hughes! How does she look? Eh . . . young and very 80s inspired. The show itself is a dreary mess of synthesizer music and jazz hands which I assume is de rigueur for the era and the score sounds like the intro to a late 70s television action show. After the conclusion, the audience applauds the lackluster performance just to humor the dancers. Tony, meanwhile, lies to Jackie and compliments her uninspired dancing.
Later, Tony pays Finola Hughes a visit in her dressing room which really should be guarded to prevent incidents like this looking for a date. Finola, possibly disturbed by Tony's forthrightness, spurns his advances for a bit until Tony plies her with bad jokes and flattery. Finola remains unimpressed with Tony's shtick, so Tony, enraged with sexual frustration, confronts Finola for her insolence. Obviously she doesn't know who he is; he's Tony Manero, bitch! Finola, meanwhile, confesses that she doesn't like to be patronized and feel stupid, which is just how Tony's ham-handed attempts to court her come across. Tony, perhaps too deluded to take Finola's protestations to heart, remains steadfast in his attempts to get her to date him but she finally refuses because she supposedly has an audition the next day . . . although she does, kindly, invite him as well. Is that love blooming I hear?
Outside the theater, Tony chats with Jackie about . . . something, until Finola shows up to interrupt their little tête-à-tête. While Finola takes her leave, Tony quizzes Jackie about her and Jackie responds with curt answers and jealousy. Ah, TENSION! Tony, perhaps sensing a bit of apprehension present in his "sure thing," tries to make peace. The next day, at the aforementioned audition, fake George Lucas (Steve Inwood) watches women dance; thankfully, it's not in a lascivious manner. That would just give me Showgirls flashbacks anyway. Later, Tony and his male compatriots take the stage and Tony sasses at the HOT CHICK assistant choreographer to assert his place as the film's alpha male. Tony then hits on Jackie and then he dances while Finola watches intently from the balcony.
After the audition, Tony is nervous regarding his performance . . . until Finola finds him and calms his nerves with equal measures of teasing and compliments. Tony, perhaps looking to get a little sweatier, wants to hook up with Finola and, this time, she's into the idea of Tony getting into her. Beforehand, however, Tony and Finola have a sweet musical montage and tour of a New York City park wherein Tony explains things about statues and Finola stares at Tony's rear. Finally, Tony and Finola hijack a horse and buggy and then they get it on at her finely appointed apartment. In the afterglow of their coitus, Tony rambles on and on about how he "respects" Finola and how he admires her dancing. Finola, obviously aware that Tony is wildly infatuated with her or buttering her up for more nookie throws Tony out of her apartment . . . but does leave open the possibility of a return engagement.
After leaving Finola's apartment sexually satisfied, Tony calls Jackie and tells her that he wants to spend some time with her. Tony Manero: ace player #1. The next morning, Tony stares down his apartment building's communal phone until it finally blinks and Tony learns that he has a part in the show he auditioned for. To celebrate, Tony calls his mother and then he goes off in search of Jackie. He finally finds her that evening, singing with some bar band fronted by . . . Frank Stallone! Nepotism? What's that? While Tony watches from the audience, Jackie serenades him sweetly and then, after the performance, Tony tells Jackie the good news and deludes himself into thinking that he got the part on talent alone. Well, non-sexual talent, that is. Oh, and he's also jealous of Frank Stallone . . . but who wouldn't be?
Later, Tony goes off to find Finola and, much to his chagrin, she's got a guy with him and Tony gets freaked out at the sight of a rival suitor. The next day, at rehearsal, fake George Lucas yells at the dancers while Tony furiously stares at Finola. After the rehearsal, Tony tries to apologize for standing up Jackie a few nights earlier when he found Finola and her beau and everything seems to be smoothing out nicely until Finola shows up to put down Jackie's dancing. Tony leaves Jackie's side, presumably to extract an apology from Finola, but he in turn reveals that he's been stalking her because he's "got feelings for her." It's probably a burning and an itching; it'll go away with application of topical cream and antibiotics. Finola, meanwhile, confesses that she just used Tony for a little cheap sex while fake George Lucas watches the altercation from the rafters. I bet he gets his jollies from doing that.
At yet another rehearsal, fake George Lucas yells at a male dancer he's kind of a one-trick pony, that fake George Lucas while Tony stares at Finola angrily once again. Yet again after the rehearsal there's nothing like déjà vu Tony makes a date with Jackie and then, obviously to mess with his romantic life, Finola invites Tony to a party at her apartment that very same night! Dum-dum-DUM! Jackie, once again, is jealous of Finola's tactics and charm; Tony, meanwhile, just wants to know who provides Finola's limo. Maybe he wants to hire the company for an event or something.
Back at home, Tony digs his old white suit out of the closet no word on whether or not Tom Cruise is in there with it and then, instead of meeting up with safe, stable Jackie, he stands her up to go to Finola's party. Once there, Tony stands out like a sore thumb while Finola mingles while dressed as Princess Leia and obviously wearing no bra. That's how she looks. After making a bit of small talk with Tony, she invites him out to the balcony to chat. She's going to throw him over the side! It's so obvious! Once on the balcony, Tony and Finola bicker which is an obvious set-up to his impending murder and then Finola states that she thinks Tony is "interesting." Whether he's "interesting" like a Nobel laureate or interesting like a strange fungal growth isn't specified, however. Tony, deluded and living in a fantasy world where he and Finola ride unicorns together while Jethro Tull plays in the background, blames her for the disintegration of their "relationship" which is certainly stretching the boundaries of that word. Finola, wisely, throws Tony out of her apartment before any homicides can occur.
Over at the nightclub, Jackie croons mournfully as it seems that Tony has stood her up once again. Tony, fashionably late, finally arrives and stares at Jackie angrily. I think he's finally snapped. After Jackie's performance concludes, Tony confronts her backstage and he tries to apologize for standing her up yet again. I think three words sum up this film pretty well to this point: "lather," "rinse," "repeat." Jackie, finally, is at the end of her rope with Tony's irresponsibility, so she refuses to accept his apology and she tells him that she just wants to "be friends" from that point on. Of course, she may want to extend that to "with benefits," but that seemed to be the extent of their relationship to begin with.
Overnight, Tony walks on the Brooklyn Bridge and then he walks . . . and walks . . . and walks some more. Finally, Tony ends up back at his ancestral home where, the next morning, his mother (Julie Bovasso) force feeds him pie. They end up talking about the house and then Tony, in a fit of atonement, repents for his past sins. His mother, shockingly, ignores his reconciliation because she can sense his insincerity and instead she gives him a pep talk. No, it doesn't make any sense; there really should be a healthy dose of Italian guilt in there as well.
At YET ANOTHER rehearsal, fake George Lucas scolds the other male dancer once again while Tony steals jealous glances at Finola. In the wings, Tony and Jackie criticize Finola's dancing like two gossipy rivals which, I suppose, they are and then Tony requests another date with Jackie . . . but she refuses. Tony counters her refusal by then, perhaps half-jokingly, proposing a threesome. Go, Tony, go! After the rehearsal, Tony still seeking a receptacle for his member chats up Jackie on the riverside and then he requests a favor of her . . . to be revealed later that night. Oh, there's going to be girl-on-girl action involved.
Perhaps not, though, as Tony waits for Jackie in the dance hall and then she arrives . . . with Frank Stallone in tow! Well, it may not be quite what Tony had in mind, but he's an open-minded guy. Then again, maybe Tony did have some Sapphic fun in mind as the presence of Frank Stallone makes Tony freak out until Frank Stallone takes his leave. Now alone with Jackie in the rehearsal space, Tony and she practice together in sensual slow motion. After their tender moments together, Tony walks Jackie home and, along the way, he mumbles and rambles about their "relationship" and then he, once again, apologizes for treating her so horribly and this time he wants to go steady. I'm sure she's really proud to be Tony's "fall-back girl."
At another rehearsal yes, another rehearsal fake George Lucas demotes the other male dancer from the male lead because he's just too robotic. While Finola and Jackie have yet another staredown, Tony goes off to talk with fake George Lucas and is awarded the male lead, much to Finola's chagrin . . . as well as Jackie's, for some unexplained reason. Tony then freaks out because Finola is messing with him and then he argues backstage with fake George Lucas, who brings Tony's "relationship" with Finola into the equation. Tony, once again, freaks out and he leaves against fake George Lucas' wishes, apparently losing his spot in the troupe as well! Dum-dum-DUM!
The TENSION if it can be called that lasts for nary a moment as Tony returns shortly afterward and takes to the floor again, this time dancing with RAGE! Jackie, sensing the unbridled passion in Tony's moves, is proud; probably also because without him the show would flop and she'd be unemployed again. Finally, to cement Tony's position as a male lead, a musical montage breaks out of the many, many rehearsals leading up to opening night. Finally . . . no more rehearsals! Oh, and there's also exciting set-building action going on along the way, more than likely for the guys in the audience.
After nearly months and months of practice, Tony's show opens on Broadway and everyone paces nervously around their dressing rooms. Before the performance, fake George Lucas gives Tony a pep talk, since he probably wants him to dance with the RAGE again. Luckily for Tony, before the RAGE can overcome him and he commits homicides in a fog of anger, Jackie is there to comfort him. Meanwhile, in the audience, Tony's mom brags about her son being in the show to all those sitting nearby. I'm sure they care; they're probably just there to watch the show fail like Nascar fans waiting for a crash.
The show begins after all the hype and introduction and Tony is lowered from the rafters into dance Hell! While Tony gesticulates with the RAGE, fake topless women dance around him and then Finola shows up dressed as Satan. Hmm . . . I wonder if the show is some sort of allegory for the film as a whole? Tony, perhaps confirming my hypothesis, stares at Finola's devilish crotch and then they dance together for a while. After the act concludes, Tony kisses Finola and she responds by poking him in the eye. Jackie gets jealous due to the kiss and fake George Lucas goes berserk in the rafters at the sight of this incident; meanwhile, the ref elects not to disqualify Finola for that infraction. I guess she blinded the ref first.
Between acts, fake George Lucas scolds Tony for his insolence and then Tony has to dance the second act of the routine with a bloody eye . . . and in slow motion! I guess he got busted open hardway. After the nondescript second act concludes, Finola tries to make a date with Tony but he surprisingly blows her off, since he's Jackie's guy now . . . or Frank Stallone's guy. It's not quite apparent which. Finola, upset that she's been spurned, insults Tony's dancing and then, in the third act, Finola and Jackie have yet another staredown. Meanwhile, dominatrices whip Tony and then Finola attempts to feed him to a Hellmouth. The bizarre scene is broken up when Finola and her minions are shot by lasers from the sky! Tony vanquishes the dominatrices and then he does an impromptu and unscheduled solo number . . . and Finola and fake George Lucas aren't happy about it, but the crowd is! After the show, Tony leaves the theater with Jackie in tow and they make out and then . . . he struts. At least the filmmakers saved the best part of the film for the end, but that's not saying much.
I know that I say this often, but Staying Alive isn't just bad, it's bad in its own way. Not only does it go back on everything Tony learned in Saturday Night Fever -- mainly that Tony should be a mature adult and think of more people than himself but it's also maddeningly repetitive. Repetitive. If I had to see one more rehearsal scene, jealous staredown, or pointless argument, I was just going to . . . strut. OK, maybe not, but I would do something and it wouldn't be pretty. Then again, that be the perfect ending to a film like Staying Alive, a truly Misunderstood Masterpiece.
Join me next week as I sit back and enjoy some lovely near soft-core porn brought to me by a late 70s husband and wife team. Oh, and there's bullfighting too . . . I think. See you then!
