Misunderstood Masterpieces: Bolero
Posted by Will Helm on 08.29.2006
...or, I Honestly Feel Like I Shouldn’t Be Watching This
John Derek loved beautiful women. Specifically, the infamous director/screenwriter/photographer loved beautiful, young, blonde women. While Hitchcock may have featured blondes in many, if not all, of his films, Derek did him one better by actually marrying three of them. For connoisseurs of fair-haired beauties, John Derek must be the high priest of their lot as, before his death in 1998, he could boast marriages to Bond-girl Ursula Andress, soap opera starlet Linda Evans, and legendary ‘80s sex symbol Bo Derek. Quite an enviable dance card, so to speak.
Even though John Derek partook the arduous duty to photograph each of his three famous wives – a fourth, his first, faded into obscurity – for Playboy magazine over the decades, it was his partnership with Bo that perhaps brought him the most notoriety. Not only was Bo, at the time of their marriage, one of the hottest starlets in Hollywood – she is, after all, the titular character in 10 – she was also John Derek's principle muse and the subject of a handful of Playboy pictorials and, more significantly, cinematic glamour projects featuring Bo as a sex star to be reckoned with.
In the next two weeks, I intend on covering two of these "erotic" films . . . but I really don't feel comfortable doing it. Why? Well, even though it is well known that I have no problem with adultfilms, these two are a bit different, mainly due to the relationship between the director/screenwriter and the star. These films aren't just bad movies but they also seem like bizarrely warped dirty home movies, years before Pam & Tommy Lee and One Night in Paris (I just want to forget about One Night in China). The only difference between the former and the latter is that the former has a bigger budget and more actors. Real actors . . . not just a pizza-delivery guy. The second of these films – which I scheduled first because I was too lazy to look up release dates . . . not that it really matters – is 1984's Bolero, a multiple Razzie award winner and 37th on the IMDB.com Bottom 100. With a pedigree like that, I don't believe any more hype is warranted, so I'll just have to see if this is a Misunderstood Masterpiece worthy of its status. Let's find out!
Just to begin the film on an odd note, Rudolph Valentino scares me. Or, at least, an "intense" picture of him does. Meanwhile, in a theatre, two guys dressed up like extras from a Killers video smoke and watch silent movies starring Rudolph Valentino. They must be bored with the film, unfortunately, as at least one of the guys stares at young, nubile Lida MacGillivery (Bo Derek) in the audience. After the show, Lida and her nerdy, raven-haired HOT CHICK friend Catalina (Ana Obregón) leave and, after entering a taxi, Lida kisses one of the smoking guys from the theater through the window glass. Later, Lida and nerdy, bookish Catalina giggle about girly things and Lida proposes – thanks to the film's inspiration – that they go to Morocco together for reasons not yet apparent . . . and then they have an argument about spelling for no particular reason.
Days later, Lida and Catalina graduate from . . . somewhere and George Kennedy shows up as Lida's bewildered chauffer Cotton. It's nice to see he rebounded from this with the Naked Gun movies . . . and BreathAsure. Because when I think "bad breath," I think "George Kennedy." While Cotton watches from the boulevard quizzically, Lida runs to and fro around the campus, stripping all the while. Cotton tries to catch her in a wool blanket – which seems ironic, honestly – but Lida breaks free and moons the headmaster before doing a topless Charleston. After her spectacular ecdysiast routine, Lida settles with Cotton and asks him for forgiveness, since she believes that she embarrassed him. Engorged, maybe . . . but not embarrassed. Perhaps just to prove her power over Cotton, Lida fires and then immediately rehires Cotton, just because she wants to force him to be her friend. Or something like that. She's just kind of crazy.
Meanwhile, watching the whole scene – including Lida's naked romp – is some kilt-wearing lawyer (Ian Cochrane) who works for Lida's deceased father. After a brief chat, he reveals that he admires Lida's nudity – then again, who wouldn't? – and he brings her paperwork finalizing her inheritance of her father's fortune. Perhaps to celebrate her windfall, Lida, Catalina, and Cotton go to Morocco with some sleazy guy (Mickey Knox) . . . who is actually listed in the credits as "Sleazy Moroccan Guide." Trust me; I didn't plan that. The piano player, in a nod to an actually good film, plays "As Time Goes By" while the quartet walks through a crowded nightclub. As Lida takes in the sights, the sleazy guide guides – imagine that – them to the VIP section, replete with dancers, acrobats, and camels.
After everyone settles in, the sleazy guide points out a hookah-smoking "sheik" (Greg Bensen) to Lida and Lida, after nary a moment's deliberation, makes his acquaintance. The sheik, instantly enamored with Lida's beauty, gets poetic and impresses Lida with the power of his terrible dubbing. Seriously; the sound coming from the sheik's mouth never matches the movement of his lips. Either that or he's a ventriloquist. After a bit of conversation, Lida finally explains just why she's in Morocco: inspired by Rudolph Valentino, she wants a sheik to pop her cherry. The sheik, since he is a heterosexual man, is excited by the idea and happily agrees to do the deed . . . over and over and over again, if need be. Lida plans on doing it that night in a tent in the desert, but the sheik is patient and proposes flying her home first. I guess he wants her to meet his folks.
The following day, Cotton says "goodbye" to Lida – perhaps he thinks she's leaving forever . . . or he thought he'd be the one to take Lida's virginity – while Catalina yells at Lida for her impetuousness and the quality of the sheik's biplane. One problem with this film is that there is no sure timeframe; Bo Derek wears ‘70s fashions while everyone and everything else seems directly from the 1930s. After the sheik brags about his plane to curtail Catalina's misgivings, he and Lida take off to sexual adventure. Later that evening, Cotton and Catalina go out to dinner together and she pretends to be Cotton's wife to dissuade some guy from dancing with her. Cotton, meanwhile, forces her to oblige because he "wants to see her have a good time" and I can only suspect this is analogous to the relationship of John and Bo Derek. It's just a hunch.
The next day, Lida gossips to Catalina about her journey and adventures with the sheik. The sheik, perhaps to assert his class dominance during his flight, chases a tribe of Bedouins with his plane and then he lands in the midst of them . . . which can never be a good idea. Luckily for the sheik, these are peaceful tribesmen, so they just stand around and laugh while the sheik clumsily tries to pick Lida up onto horseback, because that's what she wanted. Well isn't she just a little selfish? The sheik, meanwhile, argues with his horse and then he reveals that his equestrian skills aren't up to par because he's actually not just a sheik but a British-educated poet as well.
That night, Lida is awed by a woman's gyrating abdomen, exciting the sheik immensely. Oh yeah . . . he's angling for a three-way. Lida, perhaps bolstering the sheik's suspicions, starts bellydancing with the random woman and then the sheik takes charge and elects to bring Lida to his bed. Lida, recounting the events to Catalina, reminisces the scene as a silent movie – with cheesy dialogue cards – while the sheik strips her. Then, the sheik covers Lida in honey . . . he's going to feed her ants for his own warped sexual pleasure! I knew this whole endeavor could only end badly. While the sheik spreads honey all over her nude body, Lida gesticulates wildly and then, as the sheik licks some of the honey off of her abdomen, she bludgeons him with her belly. Lida, at the end of her tale, reveals to Catalina that it was all a lie as the sheik did nothing but pass out on her due to smoking too much weed or something. Catalina cracks up and then Lida has a bizarre internal monologue.
Lida and Catalina, now on a mission, plot their next move in the quest to get Lida laid. Hmm . . . that's an anagram. How cool. Catalina, since she's Spanish, proposes that they go to Europe for sex, since North Africa is creepy to her sensibilities. Lida obliges so everyone packs up and leaves for Spain, where some little kid drinks wine while other kids goof around in a bullring. Because there's nothing more stereotypically Spanish than bullfighting. And paella. Mmm . . . paella. Lida, Catalina, and Cotton, watching from a balcony above the scene, meet an ex-matador and, while a bloodless bullfight is going on beneath them, the ex-matador explains the sport. Meanwhile, in the ring, the bullfighter steals some kid's hat, so the kid – drunk with wine – jumps into the ring, causing a minor ruckus.
Lida, unsurprisingly, becomes instantly enamored with the heroic toreador Angel (Andrea Occhipinti) but, much to her chagrin, he has a nubile gypsy HOT CHICK (Olivia d'Abo) with him. Undaunted by the presence of a rival HOT CHICK, Lida visits with Angel in a chapel after the fight under the pretense of seeing his "horses" because she loves them because they're magical. Angel, a proper gentleman, invites Lida – and, unfortunately, her entourage – to dinner at his house that evening. Once at dinner, Lida and her crew sit idly by while Angel's mother nags to him about their presence and other sundry things. After his mother finishes complaining, Angel makes googly eyes at Lida and then he leaves. Meanwhile, Lida corners the gypsy HOT CHICK and, in a fit of jealousy, she interrogates her about Angel's current whereabouts. The gypsy HOT CHICK doesn't crack, so Lida bribes her with a silver compact and extracts the information.
Somewhere in the wilderness, Angel gets some with a random woman in a pond until Lida and her comrades rudely interrupt. While the random woman freaks out, the gypsy HOT CHICK rambles on in a weird conglomeration of Spanish and Cockney – Olivia d'Abo was born and bred in London, England. The random woman, perhaps suffering from a spell of sexual frustration, yells at Lida and threatens REVENGE on her for interrupting the nookie. Meanwhile, Cotton is very confused as the gypsy HOT CHICK states that, due to gypsy HOT CHICK custom, she's next for Angel . . . when she turns FOURTEEN! Ugh . . . now I feel dirty. Very dirty. Angel, unmoved by all the TENSION around him, retires for a night of passion with the random woman.
Perhaps continuing the dirty feeling from moments before, back at the villa Lida, Catalina, and the gypsy girl bathe . . . and Lida is impressed by the gypsy girl's pubic hair. No, really. This would be all fine and dandy if the gypsy girl wasn't supposed to be thirteen-years-old. I seriously hope I'm not breaking any laws by watching this. The next day, Lida and the gang go "horse" shopping in the mountains . . . and then a very angry looking bull shows up out of nowhere to threaten them! Maybe he wants to be the one to take Lida's virginity; that'd definitely be an odd twist to the film.
Luckily for Lida, her friends, and her virginity, Angel and his herding buddies show up out of the blue to rescue everyone. Of course, this was all Lida's plan all along, as she's now stalking Angel since she believes him to be "the one." This time, Lida asks if she can buy one of Angel's "horses" – which is the oddest come-on I've ever heard – but he, perhaps not privy to the metaphor, refuses. Sometime later, everyone looks at horses and Lida makes out with one; OK . . . that's just weird. Lida then invites Angel to dinner – and probably a bit of sex – that evening, but he declines the offer because he has plans. I hope those plans aren't with the gypsy girl; that could get him arrested in most states.
That night, Lida and the girls gossip a bit more and Catalina starts talking about opium because, for some reason, she wants to try it. Therefore, Lida and Catalina conspire to break into an opium den – where Angel is supposed to be – and, once there, they get all stoned and echo-y together. After a spell of smoking fine opium, Lida asks the stereotypically tattooed Asian attendant about Angel's whereabouts because Lida, in her stupor, plans on seducing him and Catalina offers her help once Angel joins them. Oh yeah; there's nothing like an opium-fueled three-way.
Surprisingly, nothing happens that night, as the next day Angel shows off his giant winery to Lida and Catalina; it seems, shockingly, that Angel is actually independently wealthy thanks to his cache of wine barrels, so Lida and Catalina plot to buy them from him. Angel, more agreeable to selling his wine, agrees and explains the wine business to them while Catalina, who is the daughter of a vintner, freaks out. Lida, perhaps believing that Angel's generosity can be taken advantage of, once again requests a "horse" but, once again, Angel refuses.
Instead of selling Lida a horse, Angel just goes riding with her on the beach. Um . . . something tells me there was a bit of plot missing between this scene and the last. That evening, Angel and Lida have dinner at his villa and then they sit together in front of a fire. Their romantic evening is rudely – and fittingly interrupted – when his woman shows up to go berserk and spoil the scene. Angel, wisely, dumps her before any real violence can break out. After Angel returns, Lida tells him about the impotent sheik from earlier in the film, which just seems rude. Why does she have to disparage him like that . . . especially to the guy who she wants to take his place? After Lida's somewhat erotic – but disappointing – story, Angel wants some lovin' but, before it can commence, he locks Lida in a bedroom and then goes off to get a massage. Ah . . . he's got a sex slave now. Very well played, Angel.
The next day, Lida, perhaps suffering from Stockholm Syndrome, goofs around while wearing a sheet and a German army helmet. Angel finds her like this and, while she's still enshrouded, he strips for her. Once she lifts off the linen, Lida is amazed at Angel's raging manhood; she overcomes her stupefaction and, perhaps as a side effect of her nervousness, she becomes a control freak, ordering Angel around the room. Finally, she commands that he get down on the bed; I guess she wants to be on top . . . to kiss him.
She can't do that quite right, though, as she tongues his ear and then, after the wet willy, she requests nookie . . . and she wants Angel to do everything! All three inputs? Come on now; the movie already had a naked "thirteen-year old" . . . after that, nothing's shocking. Anyway, Angel prepares to get down to business but he's a bit freaked out as his dog wants to watch the going's on. Maybe the pooch doesn't want to do it doggy-style anymore and wants to learn some new positions. Angel, after a bit of deliberating, shoos off the dog and then he FINALLY pops Lida and she spontaneously goes into convulsions. Whether they're from pleasure or a seizure isn't readily clear, especially because she passes out before Angel has a chance to finish . . . and then she comes around for more. No pun intended.
The next day, someone calls Angel while Lida marvels at a horse Angel gave her. Ah . . . there's nothing like paying off the metaphor. Elsewhere, at the local bank, Catalina and Cotton – who tries, in vain, to get comfortable – do paperwork finalizing the deal to buy Angel's wine. Angel arrives to sign over his wine while, back at the villa, Lida and the gypsy girl share a sauna together. This movie feels like jailbait; John Mark Karr would love it. Lida and the gypsy girl relax until Angel's insane ex-girlfriend shows up brandishing a knife; Lida and the gypsy girl seemingly lock her in the sauna, probably to sweat to death. It's self defense and all that; perfectly justifiable.
Later than night, perhaps to celebrate the death of the insane ex-girlfriend – in addition to the winery deal – Catalina and the gypsy girl dance together while Cotton passes out in a drunken stupor. The next day, Angel heads back to the bullring for another bloodless bullfight while Lida and her friends watch from the balcony and Lida complains about the lack of people in the crowd. It seems that, according to Catalina, the people want blood and – luckily for them – it's blood they get as the bull – whose horns were supposed to be capped blunt – flips out and gores Angel somewhere in the upper leg region. After the injury, Angel is hastily taken to the first aid station at the bullring and, while Lida panics, he's cool about the wound. Oh yeah; he's doomed.
Back at home, Lida and Catalina chat about Angel's injury and the ramifications of it; Lida cries but is hopeful for the future while Catalina fears that that Angel is now . . . IMPOTENT! Yup . . . the bull got him there. Later, Lida visits the emasculated Angel and, in a fit of pique, she proposes marriage to him. Angel, wisely, refuses the offer because he wants to get better first; Lida, unhappy with that response, tries to ply Angel's love with promises of horseplay – no pun intended. Eventually, they come to a bargain wherein Angel teaches Lida how to bullfight while Lida helps Angel recuperate . . . and she guarantees that she'll get him up again. And walking as well.
Elsewhere, in the winery, the Scottish lawyer from the beginning of the film romances Catalina, who is very curious about just what he has under his kilt. It seems, like her best friend, Catalina is looking for someone to pop her cherry and figures that she'd like to have her caber tossed. The Scottish lawyer, not placated by Catalina's advances, gets defensive about his kilt, mainly because she keeps calling it a skirt. Meanwhile, Cotton – who has had less and less to do as the movie goes on – tries to comfort Lida – not in a carnal sense – while the gypsy girl laments the fact that she's not going to get her cherry popping birthday present. That night, Cotton kneads dough with some middle-aged caretaker at the villa and then they start making out and, later, get it on. I guess that's why he didn't have much to do: he was saving his stamina for the sex scene.
The next morning, a trio of very inconspicuous sheiks breaks into Angel's villa and they kidnap Lida! Angel, stirred from his convalescence by the crime, jumps to action and rallies the rest of the group for a rescue. Meanwhile, the very inconspicuous sheiks load Lida onto a biplane . . . and its pilot is none other than the narcoleptic sheik from earlier in the film. Dum-dum-DUM! It seems that he wants not only revenge but a bit of nookie too . . . primarily the nookie. While the sheik runs down his motives, the rescue crew arrives on the scene and Cotton attempts to keep the plane from taking off by HOLDING ONTO THE RUDDER! Unbelievably, it actually works for a spell until the sheik's power becomes too much for George Kennedy's rippling physique. The sheik takes flight and Lida tries to reason with him and his terrible dubbing; unfortunately, that doesn't work, so she just jumps out of the plane to escape. Well that was anticlimactic.
Back at the villa, Lida and the girls celebrate her regained freedom and the gypsy girl reveals that Angel actually can walk! Lida, seeking to motivate Angel out of his wheelchair, releases parakeets in his bedroom . . . pretty much just to be mean. Sometime later, Lida and Angel goof around in the bullring, where he teaches her how to bullfight. That evening, everyone but Angel plays cards and Catalina conspires to see under the lawyer's kilt. Eventually, her attempts become so blatant that she retires to bed . . . with the lawyer! In a rather repetitive scene, the lawyer strips for Catalina and she's overwhelmed by his manhood. While Lida and Angel brood in separate rooms, Catalina finally gets some and she and the lawyer mumble sweet nothings to each other all the while.
Another day, Lida rides naked on a horse for Angel's amusement but, like Queen Victoria, he is not amused. Later, Catalina plays with Angel – perhaps Lida thinks that a little variety may pique Angel's sexual interest. Unsurprisingly, it doesn't work, so Lida fights a bull to vent her sexual frustration. This is plainly obvious because she does it with no bra on; then again, I doubt that she ever wears any undergarments in this film, so perhaps it's just par for the course. Angel, perhaps upset that his girlfriend can bullfight and he can't, tosses and turns in bed while Lida swims . . . naked, of course.
Lida, perhaps to further emasculate Angel, lights a cigar and pays him a visit to seduce him. He ends up biting her ear and drinking her blood – he's a vampire all along! – making her cower and yell at him even though she acted like it was somewhat erotic while he was doing it. I suppose that's referred to as "showing one's range." Lida, for some reason, gets all philosophical about sexual ecstasy so she gets rough with Angel, mounts him, and they finally get it on again . . . while a smoke machine goes wild in the background. As a denouement, Lida and Angel get married; unfortunately, she doesn't wear the tux and he doesn't wear a dress since their gender roles had been reversed.
There isn't a better way to say it, so I just will: Bolero is weird. Not only does it have the stink of perversion about it – naked adolescents? Seriously? – it is also terribly absurd. There's something patently bizarre about a woman casually deciding to go on a quest to lose her virginity, especially when she's romanced by a tired sheik and finally copulates with a matador who ends up impotent for most of the movie. I wonder if that's some sort of karmic justice, if this film is a moral allegory of sorts. Honestly, that can't be, because – more than anything – it just seems like an excuse for John Derek to see his wife with other men (harkens back to Cotton's "see his wife have a good time" crack, doesn't it?). After all, a longstanding rumor is that the closing sex scene – amid neon and an overactive smoke machine – wasn't simulated; John Derek: master pimp.
Join me next week as John and Bo team up once again – before Bolero – to bastardize Edgar Rice Burroughs. See you then!
