Misunderstood Masterpieces: Tarzan, the Ape Man

Posted by Will Helm on 09.05.2006

…or, The Freudian Implications of Exploring a Dark Jungle

As seen last week, the cinematic collaboration of John and Bo Derek was a primarily erotic endeavor. Of course, this did not begin with Bolero, but with another, earlier film in their oeuvre. For this 1981 film, director John Derek and screenwriter Tom Rowe teamed up to re-imagine the tales of Edgar Rice Burroughs' famous jungle-raised hero, Tarzan. Since the film had a female lead already in place – the aforementioned Ms. Derek – someone decided to retell the story of Tarzan from Jane's perspective.

While an interesting reinvention of the Tarzan lore may seem like a good idea, the follow-through is less-than-stellar. Like it's successor Bolero, 1981's Tarzan, the Ape Man stands as a vanity project in which John Derek can feature his beloved's most famous assets . . . and watch her in erotic situations with other men – and women. Even though the film has its basis in literature, Tarzan, the Ape Man neglects any semblance of art and is just an excuse to pack a film with as much nudity as possible. Not that I mind . . . though it does start to lose its magic after a time. Anyway, with a background such as this, it is little wonder that Tarzan, the Ape Man resides at 77 on the IMDB.com Bottom 100 – no, I don't go to that list for ideas; the movies I cover just happen to be there. While Tarzan, the Ape Man is named on that list, that does not automatically make it a Misunderstood Masterpiece; let's find out if it is!

During the opening credits, some British guy mumbles to his friends about some story, which can only mean one thing: it's yet another expository monologue. According to the doddering elderly guy, back in 1910, some HOT CHICK (Bo Derek) went to West Africa, where little kids follow her carriage . . . probably because she's a hot chick. The HOT CHICK, wandering alone, without an escort, hitches a ride on a fishing boat. Surprisingly, she has to bribe the captain as her feminine wiles aren't quite enough to earn passage. That evening, on an unidentified river, the seamen drink aboveboard while the HOT CHICK, perturbed by the public drunkenness and the libidinous desires that go with it, cowers below deck in her nightgown. Moments later, she pulls a derringer from somewhere on her person and she shoots one of the seamen when he tries to trespass on her.

The next day – perhaps the other sailors dumped the body overboard with no questions asked because they didn't like the guy anyway – the HOT CHICK reads a book about an expedition in Africa and gets caught in the rain. No word on whether or not there are piña coladas involved, though. Later, while some little kids – who weren't on the boat earlier – frolic while the HOT CHICK goes swimming in the river . . . in the nude. Yup . . . it's a John Derek movie. Later, the HOT CHICK is terrorized by an unexpected – and non-indigenous – python; there isn't any particular resolution to the encounter, other than the fact that the HOT CHICK probably should have saved her derringer for this.

Elsewhere in the deepest, darkest jungles of Africa, Richard Harris sleeps . . . and probably dreams of cakes being left out in the rain. Or the trials and tribulations of a teenage wizard. Or perhaps neither, as Richard Harris has his own HOT CHICK (Akushula Selayah) sleeping by his side. Unfortunately for him, Richard Harris' restful slumber is interrupted by the HOT CHICK's boat arriving at his encampment. Richard Harris kisses a picture of the HOT CHICK – who appears to be his wife; something tells me he's going to angle for a threesome with the other chick – and then he wakes up his crew and rallies a horde of topless women to greet the now-lucky seamen. Except for the dead one; he should've waited to try to get some action.

Richard Harris, upon meeting with the boat – while wearing just a shirt and no pants . . . why no pants!?! – stares at the HOT CHICK because she only happens to look like his wife and then he yells about his cannon. OK . . . don't let that be his nickname for his genitalia. Please. The HOT CHICK, perhaps disturbed by Richard Harris' phallic obsession, exits the boast by falling into a river; luckily for her, as she doesn't have her trusty derringer any longer, the HOT CHICK is rescued by Richard Harris' steadfast photographer (John Philip Law). While the photographer tries his damnedest not to notice that the HOT CHICK is going braless – those things must be like kryptonite to Bo Derek – the HOT CHICK explains that she's actually Richard Harris' long, lost daughter. OK . . . now there's some creepy incest vibes coming from the film. Ick. The photographer, perhaps to protect the HOT CHICK from Richard Harris' unwarranted – and icky – advances, gives her his tent . . . and promises to sleep in another tent. He'll sleep with her soon enough anyway.

That night, Richard Harris hosts dinner and mumbles while the HOT CHICK, the photographer, and some other guys sit around uncomfortably. The HOT CHICK gets sassy with Richard Harris, particularly when he asks about her mother. According to the HOT CHICK, his wife – who he abandoned years before – is now dead, which leads Richard Harris to cancel dinner and have a breakdown. I guess he lost his appetite. The HOT CHICK, not content with being the bearer of bad news, also tries to guilt trip Richard Harris into atonement because she isn't happy about the fact that he's been an absentee father. For some reason, the HOT CHICK then threatens to buyout Richard Harris' expedition with her inherited riches and then she insults him, which is just adding insult to psychological injury. Richard Harris counters by telling the HOT CHICK that her mother was weak . . . and then he sort of flirts with her. Umm . . . yuck. That night, Richard Harris calms himself by drinking with his dogs and firing his cannon. Well, that is the easiest way for a man to relax, after all.

The next day, the HOT CHICK chats with the photographer about dead elephants, which are the quarry of his photographic quest. Or something like that. Then, the HOT CHICK has a heart-to-heart with Richard Harris while he polishes his cannon; hmm . . . I didn't know that was possible onscreen without an "X" rating. The HOT CHICK, since she's empowered and a modern woman, desires to join Richard Harris' expedition; he, wisely, refuses – since HOT CHICKS are bad luck . . . except for the one he already had with him – and then, for no apparent reason, Richard Harris gives the HOT CHICK a pair of pistols. I guess she broke down his defenses over the course of a few minutes. Or seconds, even.

That night, the photographer brags about his pictures to the HOT CHICK. I bet he'd also show her his etchings, but that isn't possible since she has his tent . . .unless he has them hidden in his pants. Somehow, the discussion of the pictures leads to a debate on sexual politics, wherein the HOT CHICK reveals that she's both a misandrist and has penis envy. That does explain why she never wears a bra. Over the course of several days, the crew treks and sleeps over and over and over again. I suppose John Derek had to kill some time between nude scenes . . . although there haven't been many so far, other than sheer, clingy, wet cotton shirts. Oh, and lots of "natives." Can't forget them.

After ages of traveling, Richard Harris hears an elephant and stops the train; he finds the elephant and then creeps up to it and . . . serenades it. OK, that makes no sense. Later, after his encounter with the elephant, Richard Harris plays with the HOT CHICK – in the parental sense, not the carnal sense – and he shows her a giant cliff and she's amazed by it. No, he literally shows her a cliff; it's not a euphemism. Perverts.

The crew later makes camp at the foot of the cliff and it's there that they first hear the famous call of Tarzan. While the natives in the train freak out, Richard Harris and the photographer recount Tarzan's legend to the HOT CHICK and then Richard Harris' HOT CHICK gets cryptic about Tarzan. Even though some of the natives desert the expedition, Richard Harris brags about his egotism and then he tells the HOT CHICK to become a goddess for no particular reason. Their relationship: weird.

The next day, Richard Harris and his crew climb the cliff and, to build suspense, while each climbs the rope frays more and more. Unfortunately, a lowly servant loses the gamble and falls to his death. Poor servant; we hardly knew ye . . . and I bet Richard Harris didn't either. At another camp, Richard Harris proposes traversing to a mysterious landlocked sea and then he argues with the photographer about nothing in particular. The next day, Richard Harris finds the mysterious sea and everyone jumps in to celebrate!

Richard Harris, not content to rest on his laurels – or by the seaside – elects to go on further to look for an even more mysterious river. The HOT CHICK, since she is a HOT CHICK and always wishing to show it off, decides to stay behind for a bath, so she swims in the nude . . . again. Not that I mind, of course. While the HOT CHICK rests on the shoreline, a lion shows up on the scene as if on cue to threaten her safety. The HOT CHICK, wisely, retreats to the water and then Tarzan (Miles O'Keeffe) arrives to yell and run to her rescue . . . sort of. In fact, he just hangs out with the lion, watching a naked HOT CHICK in the water; I really can't say I blame him. After a few minutes, Tarzan must get bored as he goes into the water to grab the HOT CHICK; before he can get some with the HOT CHICK, sadly, Richard Harris and the photographer show up to scare him and the lion off.

That night, the HOT CHICK is distracted, probably because the sight of Tarzan has her ovaries working overtime. Or ovary-time, as the case may be. Richard Harris, perhaps sensing that the HOT CHICK is now in heat, asks her about Tarzan; he's probably jealous, honestly. The HOT CHICK, madly enamored with Tarzan, defends her rescuer's honor while Richard Harris – perhaps rightly – simply believes that Tarzan just wants some nookie. Richard Harris, desiring to be first to copulate with his own daughter, wants REVENGE against Tarzan for trying to trespass on his territory. The HOT CHICK, meanwhile, is infatuated with Tarzan and so she's unaware of her father's attraction and envy.

The trek, finally, continues again and mysterious – and garishly painted – natives watch from the trees. Somewhere along the trail, one of the natives in Richard Harris' crew freaks out and the photographer – who probably wants a piece of the HOT CHICK too, even if it would be Richard Harris' sloppy seconds – blames Tarzan. In the tumult and confusion, the garishly painted natives kidnap Richard Harris' HOT CHICK and Richard Harris, as per his particular idiom, blames Tarzan for the crime. That night, Richard Harris sits intensely by the campfire as he's waiting . . . for REVENGE! Chuck Norris would be proud.

The journey begins once again and, once again, Richard Harris and the HOT CHICK argue about Tarzan and his intentions and then Richard Harris, probably to vent his sexual frustration, yells at the photographer and tells him to keep an eye on his daughter. Of course, the photographer gets distracted almost immediately after and Tarzan swims by to kidnap the HOT CHICK; the photographer, realizing his error, goes off in search of her. Elsewhere in the jungle, the HOT CHICK threatens Tarzan with her pistol – which is a perfect stand in for a penis in this situation – and, having asserted herself as the Alpha male in the encounter, the HOT CHICK scares Tarzan off.

The HOT CHICK, now without a knowledgeable guide, wanders aimlessly around the jungle and then she's again attacked by a python . . . which, I'm sure, is yet another phallic stand-in. Tarzan, sensing that the sexual dynamic has changed back to his favor, swings in to rescue . . . in slow motion. After fighting with the python for an eternity of slow motion, Tarzan carries the HOT CHICK to safety on the riverside and then collapses. Moments later, Tarzan's orangutan and chimpanzees arrive to protect Tarzan's prone body . . . and his pet elephant is there to scoop up Tarzan and take him to safety. The HOT CHICK follows the animals and, once they rest elsewhere on the riverside, she befriends the chimpanzees and helps to resuscitate Tarzan . . . and then she feigns molesting him while he's unconscious. Umm . . . uncomfortable.

Back at the camp, Richard Harris rambles about the HOT CHICK to the photographer and pledges REVENGE against Tarzan for his crime. Meanwhile, the HOT CHICK marvels at Tarzan's chiseled physique and then he suddenly wakes up . . . frightened of the HOT CHICK. Methinks she diddled him a bit while he was unconscious; he's going to need lots of therapy. The HOT CHICK, perhaps upset that she turned off Tarzan and now she has no chance of getting some with him, freaks out and then Tarzan goes for a swim, probably to wash off the shame of his violation. Elsewhere, Richard Harris tells his crew to build a signal fire; meanwhile, Tarzan watches the HOT CHICK sleep – maybe he's plotting a bit of fitting REVENGE against her and her wandering fingers – but the HOT CHICK wakes up and cowers while Tarzan drops food and tree branches on her and then he hoists her into the trees with him. Oh yeah; it's nookie-time.

At the camp, Richard Harris and the photographer sit by their fire; I wonder why now Richard Harris is totally ignoring his cannon? I guess he's only interested in it when the HOT CHICK is around. Back in the trees, Tarzan and the HOT CHICK – who must have made up in the interim – relax together while one of the chimpanzees calms the HOT CHICK's fears. Richard Harris and his crew, meanwhile, spilt up to search the desert to find the HOT CHICK. The HOT CHICK and Tarzan, elsewhere, wake up and climb down some vines and then they frolic in the river. Elsewhere, some garishly painted natives follow one of Richard Harris' search parties. Dum-dum-DUM!

While the HOT CHICK and Tarzan frolic in the river, one of the chimpanzees throws the HOT CHICK some bananas and then she starts talking to herself about her virginity. Hmm . . . bananas? Virginity? This movie is so Freudian. The HOT CHICK, perhaps to ratchet up the "ick" factor, then begins speculating on Tarzan's virginity as well . . . which is probably more than I ever needed to know. Elsewhere, the garishly painted natives kill one of Richard Harris' search parties, specifically not the one with Richard Harris or the photographer. Meanwhile, the HOT CHICK talks to herself because she now thinks that she's living a romance novel and then she calls Tarzan "more beautiful than any girl she knows."

OK . . . I have to pause here to deconstruct that statement. Firstly, I have never heard anything quite that emasculating in a long time. Not only is Tarzan beautiful, he's more beautiful than women! That has to do wonders for a man's masculinity. As well as that, there's also a bizarre homoerotic undercurrent to the statement. Since the HOT CHICK finds Tarzan sexually attractive and she's comparing him to other women, which means that – in some way – she must find women sexually attractive for it to be a valid comparison. Perhaps the HOT CHICK, oddly enough, may have been a lesbian all along until Tarzan's über-masculinity converted her to heterosexuality. It would explain the earlier misandry and penis envy, after all.

Anyway, the HOT CHICK, perhaps as an excuse to get her hands on Tarzan once again, elects to randomly teach him how to smile. After the lesson, Tarzan responds by splashing water on the HOT CHICK's sheer blouse and chest – and she doesn't dissuade him, proving her full change to heterosexuality – and then she even lets him feel her up. Before any nookie can commence, Richard Harris' gunshot signal breaks up the intimacy. The HOT CHICK, torn between her father and Tarzan, decides to spurn Tarzan and she runs to her father's side . . . and Tarzan, perhaps engorged by his desire for the HOT CHICK, follows. Richard Harris, spying Tarzan coming out of the jungle, wants his REVENGE but, before he can exact it, Tarzan slips back into the jungle. Moments later, the garishly painted natives arrive on the scene to kidnap the HOT CHICK, Richard Harris, and the photographer . . . luckily, one of Tarzan's chimpanzees follows along.

Elsewhere, Tarzan mulls over what to do next, since he's been spurned by the HOT CHICK's father. Meanwhile, at the garishly painted natives' village, some garishly painted native girls wake up an extra from The Road Warrior (Steve Strong), who appears to be the chief of the tribe. The lone chimpanzee who followed the kidnappers notifies Tarzan. Back at the village, some garishly painted native girls give the HOT CHICK a forced scrubbing while Richard Harris – tied up – watches from the wings. In the jungle, Tarzan rallies his animal troops for a rescue mission, in his inimitable Tarzan way.

In the village, Richard Harris, perhaps going senile, finally wants to leave Africa; now that things aren't going well, he just wants to quit. Quitter. In the outskirts of the village, Tarzan arrives with his horde and he limply fights off a few lazy natives in slow motion. Meanwhile, the HOT CHICK gets painted white for no particular reason other than for her to be naked again; unfortunately, all she does is complain about the situation, so Richard Harris yells nursery rhymes at her. No, it makes no sense; it's probably some kind of Elektra-complex thing.

Richard Harris, perhaps to ratchet up the psychological content, tells the HOT CHICK to separate her mind from her body in preparation for being raped by the Road Warrior guy. The Road Warrior guy, unhappy with Richard Harris interfering in his desire for nookie, kills him with an elephant tusk to the chest. Unfortunately for the Road Warrior guy, before he can take advantage of eliminating one of his rivals for the HOT CHICK's virginity, Tarzan swings in, looking for a fight. The Road Warrior guy, taking a page from the playbook of every terrible, muscle-bound wrestler in existence, gets Tarzan in a bearhug. Tarzan, to break the hold, hits the Road Warrior guy with a double-axe handle. Now on equal footing, Tarzan and the Road Warrior guy grapple in homoerotic slow motion until Tarzan puts a sleeper hold on the Road Warrior guy and breaks his neck!

In the aftermath, the HOT CHICK, now released from her bindings, joins with Richard Harris, who is remarkably still alive. The HOT CHICK comforts him – in the emotional sense, not the carnal sense – so that he can deliver his one last monologue before finally dying. It's nice of him to hold on for that last bit; every film needs a long, drawn out death scene. Finally, the HOT CHICK tells the photographer – who has pretty much been forgotten about for most of the last half of the picture – to tell her and Richard Harris' story – which he does at the club in the very beginning of the film; continuity, yay! – and then she goes off with Tarzan to wash off the paint and get it on.

Perhaps I'm wrong, but Tarzan, the Ape Man seems to be a clone of Bolero, just with Tarzan standing in for a bullfighter. The two films are nearly analogous, with similar characters and situations. I'll give Bo Derek one thing: she definitely knew her cinematic niche. From these two films, its easy to see that whenever a script calls for a HOT CHICK who eschews underwear, is a wealthy heiress, largely demeans and disregards men, and desires deeply to lose her virginity . . . no pun intended. At the end of it, though, I'm glad I'm done with these films; I still just feel so dirty.

Join me next week as I clean up a bit with a shocking exposé of the adult film industry. Fitting, isn't it? See you then!