Misunderstood Masterpieces: The Girl Next Door
Posted by Will Helm on 09.12.2006
or, Isnt Everyones Neighbor a Porn Star?
Astute and regular readers of this very column should remember that I am VERY familiar with adultfilms. In addition to the two films I've covered so far, I do also have my personal experiences in the adult-film industry to fall back on as well . . . so I, disturbingly, know somewhat what I'm talking about. And, well, who here doesn't trust me? Anyway, over the years, the perception of the adult-film star has changed from the dregs of stardom to glamorous stars sometimes on par with celebrities of the cinema.
Thanks to the tireless work of the E! Network and Howard Stern among others adult-film stars have a cache that they have never had before. In addition to the aid of their benefactors, another asset that many adult-film stars have nowadays is that the bulk of them look at least for the most part like the idiomatic "girl next door." In fact, the best adult-film stars exude a certain wholesomeness, adding to their appeal. Fittingly, perhaps to reflect the growing acceptance toward adult films and their stars, in 2004 a film was released titled The Girl Next Door. As a shocking exposé of the adult-film industry, The Girl Next Door reveals the inner workings of the business through its wholesome star, 24's Elisha Cuthbert. Of course, The Girl Next Door is also known as a romantic comedy . . . so which is it? Perhaps I have a Misunderstood Masterpiece on my hands; let's find out!
Over the credits, a guy and a girl chat flirtingly and, fittingly for the overriding conceit of the film, the guy is directing the girl to do things. Vaguely dirty things, in fact, which make for very interesting yearbook pictures . . . which is actually what's happening. The girl having her picture taken has a flashback to an old soccer game or football, for my non-American readers. Other students have their picture taken as well and each one has a flashback, including but not limited to the class stud getting some, the class dork doing dorky things, and the class clown playing lacrosse. One of those things is not like the other, probably because it doesn't follow the character's particular idiom. Sir Lancelot would be very upset. Evidently, from the content of the flashbacks, the high school in question had no real rules or morals to speak of, just a lot of stereotypes and Queen's "Under Pressure" playing in the background.
Unfortunately for the nerdy, milquetoast hero of the picture, Matthew (Emile Hirsch), he can't think of a memory to put in the yearbook alongside his picture. Even though he's a burgeoning politician and has already been accepted to Georgetown, the only thing he really has to look back on during his high school career is his friendship with two more nerdy guys: film nerd Eli (Chris Marquette) and the unfortunately named Klitz (Paul Dano). I feel dirty even typing that; from now on, I'll just call him "Naughty Bits." After a bit of a chat about the upcoming senior prom, the trio of nerdy heroes walks into a rally in the auditorium. Ah . . . they must be members of the Future Aryans of America club. Or not, as after stating that he just wants to bust a nut at the senior prom Matthew takes the stage and addresses the crowd about some fundraiser or something. I'll bet overpriced chocolate bars were involved. He then shows a tape of an over-excited Cambodian kid (Ulysses Lee) and the crowd goes wild for it.
After the rally, Matthew and his nerdy lackeys watch as all the "cool" seniors skip out on their last classes to go to the beach; Matthew, filled with envy, tries to convince Eli and Naughty Bits to do the same with him, but they decide against it. They probably thought it was a little too homoerotic for their tastes since there weren't any girls involved in the scenario. Matthew, filled with jealousy-fueled rebellion, does it alone and, along the way, he gets busted by an overzealous security guard . . . and then Matthew kills him. Well, it was really through a convoluted series of events, but he'd probably still be charged as an adult with vehicular homicide . . . if the whole scene wasn't just all in his head. Ooh . . . psyche! Unsurprisingly, Matthew doesn't end up going to the beach and he returns to school, dejected and just a little more milquetoast.
Later that day, the nerd goes home where his mom (Donna Bullock) has a hookup going. Seriously . . . she's sharing a glass of wine in the middle of the afternoon with a man who isn't her husband; I sense an extra-marital affair. Then again, that would probably be a little too Dawson's Creek for this film's own good. Perhaps ironically after all that's gone on for most of the film so far Matthew reveals to his mom's hookup that he has to write a speech about moral fiber for some scholarship contest. After blurting out this hilariously ironic statement, Matthew retires to his room where he sees a HOT CHICK (Cuthbert) moving in next door. Perhaps because he doesn't know quite what to do next, Matthew calls Eli, who watches porn while chatting with his friend. While Matthew describes the scene to a disturbingly interested Eli, the HOT CHICK goes up to her bedroom which just happens to be directly across from Matthew's bedroom window and she starts getting undressed! Matthew goes catatonic at the scene . . . until the HOT CHICK spies him peeping on her and she disappears!
And just where did the HOT CHICK disappear to? Matthew's front door, where she meets Matthew's cheating mom and George W. Bush (Timothy Bottoms)! They call Matthew downstairs and Matthew, nearly overcome with paranoia which seems to be an ongoing problem of his discovers that the HOT CHICK is just house-sitting for her aunt and she wants Matthew to show her around the town. Matthew nervously agrees because he'll never get another chance to make a first impression except as a pervert and the HOT CHICK takes him for a drive . . . where she confronts him about the earlier episode in their respective bedrooms. Matthew bumbles his way through a lame answer, so the HOT CHICK utilizing her HOT CHICK powers forces Matthew to strip for her in the middle of the street. Once he's totally nude, the HOT CHICK drives off, leaving Matthew behind to fend for himself. I think this is the earliest I've ever said this in a column, but BITCHES BE CRAZY!
Matthew, wearing only a comically large inner tube over his naughty bits but not Naughty Bits runs along the side of the road and catches up with the HOT CHICK and gets back into her car. Hopefully she'll wash the seats later; that can't be hygienic. After presumably, since it's only implied in the film Matthew collects his clothes and gets dressed, he and the HOT CHICK go to a diner where they get to know each other . . . specifically whether or not the HOT CHICK has a boyfriend. They then chat a little about graduation and Matthew, looking to impress the HOT CHICK and convince her that he isn't a milquetoast nerd, lies about his "exciting" life. Unsurprisingly, she sees right through the ruse so she volunteers to hook him up; probably unfortunately for Matthew, he believes she's talking about hooking up with her. Silly nerd.
Back in school, Matthew brags to his friends about his little encounter while his friends swat each other with fencing foils. Unsurprisingly, as Matthew's previous evening was straight from a Penthouse Letter, his friends mock him. Later that day, while Matthew toils in some dull class, the HOT CHICK shows up outside the window and beckons him to skip out . . . and he does! Unfortunately, Matthew, in leaving class behind, misses a pop quiz, which means he's just going to fail the class and he'll lose his acceptance to Georgetown and have to sell heroin to make ends meet. Or not . . . but the movie does seem a bit overly melodramatic so far, so I can't put that past it.
While the HOT CHICK drives Matthew around the town, he tells her about all the money he collected for the excitable Cambodian kid. Because charitable fundraising is SO hot. The HOT CHICK, perhaps bored by Matthew's constant pointless bragging, takes him to a random house where they both run to the backyard and she strips and jumps in the pool. Matthew, in a state of disbelief probably caused by the lack of blood in his brain jumps in after her and they share a little moment together . . . and then his principal (Harris Laskawy) shows up! Not to join in, though, but just to break up the fun because it is his house. Matthew and the HOT CHICK escape the TENSION, though, so there aren't any arrests for breaking and entering . . . yet.
While Matthew is off gallivanting and breaking laws left and right, Eli and Naughty Bits are hanging out together and watching porn . . . which makes Naughty Bits a bit uncomfortable. I can't say I blame him, mainly because it'd be a constant reminder of his namesake. Luckily for Naughty Bits, the disconcerting scene is interrupted by a ring of the doorbell . . . and it's a dripping wet literally, not in the sexual sense HOT CHICK! Matthew, of course, made her do it so he's a pimp now? That was quick and he and the HOT CHICK collect the other two guys and they go to a local kegger. Once there, the class stud introduces himself to the HOT CHICK as per his particular idiom while one of the stud's buds extricates Matthew from the situation. Before Matthew can leave the party dejected, the class stoner helps him out by bringing him back in and, after a chat with the pothead who has an odd, homoerotic fixation for the Cambodian kid Matthew grows a set and makes out with the HOT CHICK in the middle of the party.
The next day since there doesn't seem to be any weekends in the world of The Girl Next Door Matthew struts through the hall of his school as a man. Everything's swell for Matthew until Eli corners him with an important piece of news . . . and he takes Matthew to the audio-visual studio to break it to him. After Eli clears the room in his own inimitable style mainly by ordering his "minions" around he and Matthew watch a porn together umm . . . awkward with two bad actors . . . and the HOT CHICK! Dum-dum-DUM! Matthew, unsurprisingly, freaks out; he's probably going to castrate himself or something. Eli, trying in vain to console Matthew, tells his friend to tap it . . . mainly so Eli can live vicariously through Matthew.
Matthew, shaken by Eli's revelation, goes home and, once there, he finds the HOT CHICK looking at baby pictures with his mom . . . and then he starts hallucinating the HOT CHICK making out with his mom and fellating his father. Methinks Matthew needs a bit of psychotherapy; it's probably all because his mother is a dirty, dirty slut. In order to quell the visions in his head, Matthew decides to vent his frustrations by getting it on with the HOT CHICK; to aid Matthew in his quest, Eli offers hackneyed, clichéd advice . . . mainly culled from his years of watching porn. Much to Matthew's chagrin, a good deal of it doesn't work . . . until he and the HOT CHICK go to a cheap motel together and the HOT CHICK strips for him again. Whoa . . . maybe she's having environmentally induced flashbacks. Or not, as the HOT CHICK figures out what's going on down to the last detail . . . evidently she read the whole script and she freaks out.
The next day, Matthew goes back to his boring old life and he mopes about it. After hours, days, or weeks of deliberation, Matthew finally breaks down and apologizes to the HOT CHICK . . . but he's apparently a little late as she already has a new and sleazier guy (Timothy Olyphant) at her place. Matthew is shocked by the HOT CHICK's rapid turnover, but he shouldn't be . . . since this whole situation is all his fault. Yes, that's right; I said ALL HIS FAULT. While the HOT CHICK does something inside the house, Matthew and Sleazy Guy have a chat outside and then, through a convoluted series of events, they all end up at an obnoxious, loud strip club . . . which is such an exception to the rule. Most strip clubs are classy and quiet.
In the club, Sleazy Guy reveals that he used to be a producer of the HOT CHICK's films and her boyfriend as well . . . and then he goes off to scout some new talent. After he returns, the HOT CHICK excuses herself and Matthew and Sleazy Guy chat about her how catty! and then they see some neighbor guy specifically the one that's getting it on with Matthew's mom and Sleazy Guy cons him into buying a lapdance for Matthew. While this would be a charitable gesture, it gets very creepy when the neighbor guy gets a lapdance next to Matthew . . . and actually initiates conversation during it! Freaky. Just freaky.
The next day at school, Eli and Naughty Bits interrogate Matthew about his misadventures the previous evening . . . while they watch an early 80s vintage sex-ed film in class. Juxtaposition? Eh . . . probably not. After school, Matthew spies Sleazy Guy scouting for new talent at the high school and then he takes some time to hang out with Matthew and his friends. For such a sleazy guy, Sleazy Guy is awfully nice and accommodating. Sleazy Guy takes Matthew and the guys to the bank, where Matthew checks on the account with the money for the Cambodian kid with Sleazy Guy posing as the school principal and hitting on the middle-aged bank teller.
Sometime later, the HOT CHICK and Sleazy Guy pack up some of the HOT CHICK's belongings because they're going to Vegas together to an adult-film convention. See, Matthew: she's gone back to her former life and it's ALL YOUR FAULT. Good work, Matthew. Hot on the HOT CHICK's tail, Matthew rallies Eli and Naughty Bits and they all head to Vegas together and, once there, they're in awe of the amoral scene around them. Then again, who wouldn't be? While Eli and Naughty Bits wander around in a daze, Matthew tracks down the HOT CHICK now appearing under her adult-film guise of "Athena" and, while he spills his heart to her . . . figuratively she freaks out.
While the HOT CHICK tries to find someplace to gather her thoughts in peace, she runs into her old boss (James Remar) and, moments later, Sleazy Guy shows up to have a standoff with Old Boss as they trade witty, pointed barbs. The HOT CHICK, looking out for Matthew's better interests, tells him off in an attempt to stop him from stalking her anymore and then Sleazy Guy pushes Matthew around in a stockroom as a measure of REVENGE! Although . . . one would think that the Sleazy Guy would be grateful to Matthew because if not for Matthew's gaffe, the HOT CHICK wouldn't be back in porn. Eh . . . I don't get the adult-film industry sometimes. Anyway, while Matthew is being pummeled, Eli and Naughty Bits bond and pose as adult-film directors to another HOT CHICK and her boyfriend Luther Reigns. No, seriously. Sadly, their ruse is revealed and they end up falling into a naked chick cake; meanwhile, Matthew gives the HOT CHICK a little gift and they all exit in a hurry.
The next day, the HOT CHICK back from Vegas in a hurry visits Matthew and drives him to school. I guess she finally forgave him or something. She drops him off and wishes him luck for his big speech that night; Matthew responds by asking her to the prom . . . and she agrees. Later in the day, while Matthew toils in another one of his dull classes, Sleazy Guy pays him a visit and drags him forcibly from the room. Evidently the over-zealous security guard really isn't that good at his job. Sleazy Guy wants another measure of REVENGE about two feet of it, I suppose and, to pay off the $30,000 Sleazy Guy lost due to the HOT CHICK abandoning porn again, he wants Matthew to fellate him. Umm . . . weird. Of course, Sleazy Guy is just joking about the homoeroticism . . . and then he vents his sexual frustration by pummeling Matthew again. He does feel bad about it, though.
After Sleazy Guy gives Matthew an analgesic and tends to his wounds, he asks a favor of his rival . . . specifically a different measure of REVENGE against the Old Boss. Sleazy Guy, cunning linguist that he is, spins it into a sort of politics lesson for Matthew, which is a well-played gambit. Sleazy Guy, in order to really teach Matthew a lesson, has Matthew steal a trophy from the Old Boss . . . and then he frames him for it! Before the police can arrive, Matthew runs afoul of the Old Boss and is attacked by the Old Boss' parrot as he flees the scene with the phallic trophy in hand.
Matthew, bloodied, bruised, and exhausted, escapes the police and calls his friends and the HOT CHICK. They pick him up and drive him to the scholarship dinner; unfortunately, there's another wrinkle in the plans as Matthew also happens to be trippin' ballz on E . . . which is what Sleazy Guy slipped him instead of a handy over-the-counter pain reliever. Once at the dinner, Matthew with the HOT CHICK by his side as his date makes out with some rival high school chick and then he dances badly. Later in the night, Matthew mocks the other speakers and then he takes the stage and cuts loose. Joel Goodsen would be proud. In lieu of actually winning the scholarship, Matthew uses the speech to romance the HOT CHICK and, at the conclusion, the crowd goes wild. Unsurprisingly, Matthew loses the scholarship to some other nerd.
Sometime later, Matthew goes to the bank and discovers, much to his chagrin, that Sleazy Guy embezzled the charity money! Matthew, quite put out by this revelation, argues with the teller . . . and then she threatens him with jail for no particular reason. I'm not one for the vagaries of the criminal justice system, but I can't see the case standing up in court. Matthew, since he's a politician and not a lawyer, has another paranoid freak-out and then he goes to the HOT CHICK for comfort. She volunteers to help him out of his situation which she seems to do a lot even though the bulk of this film is ALL HIS FAULT and, later, Eli and Naughty Bits rally to the cause as well.
Their plan now in action, Matthew and the HOT CHICK pick up two of the HOT CHICK's porn friends April (Amanda Swisten) and Ferrari (Sung Hi Lee) at the airport. Matthew then returns the absconded trophy to the Old Boss and, as a form of recompense, agrees to film the prom . . . or, apparently, a porn at the prom. I guess there really are no morals at that high school. Eli, unsurprisingly, is tapped to direct the project, probably due to his "experience."
The crew finally goes to the prom and Matthew, master politician that he's become and probably to exact a bit of REVENGE of his own elects to recruit the class stud and his buddies to star in the film. After Matthew strikes a deal with the guys, Eli leads his crew and stars all over the school to get a multitude of location shots. Meanwhile, Matthew dances with the HOT CHICK and she thanks him for taking her to "prom." Ugh . . . excuse this little rant, but I just can't stand it when people say "prom." Maybe it's a regional thing or something, but I've always thought that it warrants a preceding article. Yes, I do know that "prom" is short for "promenade," which can be used as a verb . . . but it also can be used as a noun. So there.
This ill-conceived grammar lesson provided by Will Helm. All rights reserved. Offer not valid in Tennessee.
All is going well for Matthew until a shooting problem arises or doesn't arise, as the case may be and Matthew has to recruit Naughty Bits to volunteer his naughty bits for the film. Eli ends up arguing with a recalcitrant Naughty Bits and then Matthew breaks the stalemate by volunteering to substitute in the film . . . which leads to another weird paranoid nightmare and flashbacks to earlier in the movie. Matthew then decides not to be in the movie but, luckily for all of them and the movie as a whole Naughty Bits goes along with the plan and comes through . . . no pun intended. Later that night, the limo drops off April, Ferrari, Eli, and Naughty Bits, leaving Matthew and the HOT CHICK to finally get it on in the back seat. Well, that's been a long time coming . . . no pun intended.
The movie can't end without a little more TENSION, however, as, after Matthew returns home, Eli calls him and reveals that someone stole the master tape! Dum-dum-DUM! After some cursory panicking, Matthew discovers that Sleazy Guy has the tape and he's actually over Matthew's house with Matthew's parents and principal in tow! Matthew and the Sleazy Guy tell the others to get lost for a bit and then they play politics across the table . . . which ends badly for Matthew when Sleazy Guy shows Matthew's parents and the principal the film! Much to Sleazy Guy's chagrin, the film is actually a crafty and hip sex-education film which would never be played in any school district in the country due to the fact it's not abstinence-only which wins the admiration of Matthew's parents, a reluctant principal, and Sleazy Guy. In the aftermath, everyone has a fitting denouement and Matthew ends up in Georgetown, rich, and still with the HOT CHICK.
Shockingly, The Girl Next Door isn't a bad movie. Of course, since it is featured in this very column, it's not a good movie either. Even though as alluded to earlier in the column The Girl Next Door wants so badly to be Risky Business with an adult-film twist, it lacks something that the latter film possessed: humor. For the most part, and much to its detriment, The Girl Next Door just isn't funny, at least until the last half hour or so. There is actually a touch of sweetness to the romantic aspect of the film, but it's handled with more melodrama then humor which greatly subverts the entertainment value of the film. Should The Girl Next Door have been a nudity-filled romp, a la American Pie and its ilk? Not necessarily, but a little levity to lighten the mood wouldn't have hurt. As always, whenever a movie sits on the precipice of greatness without going all the way, that can only mean it's a Misunderstood Masterpiece.
Join me next week when the worlds of hip-hop and Friends collide! See you then!
