The October Zombie-Thon! - Day 21: Dead Heat
Posted by Trevor Snyder on 10.21.2006
What's scarier - zombies, or Joe Piscopo's acting ability? You be the judge.
DEAD HEAT (1988)
Directed by: Mark Goldblatt Written by: Terry Black Country: USA
When I first proposed the idea of the October Zombie-Thon, 411 Movies/TV Zone editor Leonard Hayhurst suggested I take a look at the 1988 zombie/cop-movie hybrid Dead Heat. Now, originally, I had no intention of getting anywhere near a movie that reeks of Joe Piscopo. Sure, I've watched a lot of bad movies in my time, but I happen to value my remaining brain cells, and so there is a limit as to how far I'm willing to push it. But, being the subservient drone I am, I have obliged the bossman -- although whether or not Leonard likes what I have to say about this abomination is something I guess I'll just have to discover later.
Dead Heat , for all its faults, is at least a throwback to a simpler time: a time when packs of rabid yuppies roamed the streets; a time when horror/comedy hybrids like this and Big Trouble in Little China were all the rage; and, most incredibly of all, a time when a movie studio executive would actually say something like, "so, you want to make a buddy-cop/zombie movie starring Treat Williams and Joe Piscopo? Alright, let's do it!" The fact that one person thought this was a good idea is pretty amazing, the fact that enough people thought it was a good idea to actually get the thing made is simply mind-blowing.
Williams stars as detective Roger Mortis (get it? Rigor mortis…ha…ha…ha) and Piscopo is his partner, Doug Bigelow. If you've seen any ‘80s buddy-cop movie, you know the drill: Mortis is the upstanding, strait-laced, by-the-book officer, while Bigelow is the wisecracking, anti-authority cop who never met a beautiful woman, or bad joke, that he didn't love. Together, the two are investigating a string of daring daylight bank and jewelry store robberies, which takes an unexpected twist after a violent shootout with a couple of the gang members – according to the medical examiner (who just happens to be Mortis' ex-flame), the two criminals were dead before they walked into the jewelry store and began their robbery. Whaaaa?
Their investigation eventually leads them to the ominously-named Dante Pharmaceuticals, where they stumble upon a resurrection machine used to bring back to life the wealthiest members of society, so that they can continue to enjoy their riches even after death. This operation is being bankrolled by sending an army of undead criminals out to steal the funds, although why this is necessary, if the recipients of the machine's powers are so rich in the first place, is just one of many questions best left ignored.
Anyway, while inspecting the machine Bigelow is attacked by a particularly ugly zombie, and in the melee that follows Mortis is locked in a decompression chamber and killed. Luckily for him, he gets to be the first cop in history to investigate his own death, as Bigelow and the medical examiner throw his body onto the resurrection machine and bring him back. It's at this point that you'll really begin to question the movie's sense of logic. I could be wrong, but I've alwyas assumed the crime scene for a slain police officer would be pretty controlled and locked-down. So why does no one question the two moving Mortis' body to another room and doing who-knows-what with it? And once Mortis is up and walking around, why don't any of the fellow cops on the scene stop to say something like, "hey, aren't you the guy whose murder we came here to investigate?"
Oh well, I suppose none of that is really important. What is important is that, in his new zombie-fied state, Mortis has only 12 twelve hours to solve the case and avenge his murder before he will decompose (although, I think it's safe to say that even with half his brain rotted away he would still be a more intelligent and effective cop than Bigelow), and so he and his partner set out to find the people behind this insidious scheme, before Mortis dies for the second time that day.
Not a half-bad concept, I admit, but one that was completely squandered by the filmmakers. There are a few fun bits here and there, including a scene where Mortis and Bigelow must fight off an entire Chinese butcher shop of re-animated animals, and, even better, a brief but undeniably awesome stand-off between the zombie Mortis and an undead thug, which sees the two fruitlessly blasting each other away with machine guns while standing only a few feet apart. But, for the most part, this thing is dead on arrival (I know, I know, a bad pun…but it's not any worse than "Roger Mortis").
If there's any interest to be had with Dead Heat, it's provided by the presence of several genre icons and film legends, including Darrin McGavin, Keye Luke, and, most notably, Vincent Price. Not surprisingly, Price just about steals the whole movie with a little under 15 minutes of screen-time (which, given everything around him, he probably could have accomplished just by standing there and not saying anything). But even though Price is one of the best things about the film, you still can't help but feel sad to see him reduced to cameo status in a Joe Piscopo vehicle. Thank goodness for Tim Burton's Edward Scissorhands; without that film Dead Heat would have been Price's last notable performance, and that would have been a hell of a shame.
Oh, and did I mention that Joe Piscopo is in this thing? I know you're probably expecting a terrible performance from Piscopo, but let me assure you – it's actually much, much worse than you can imagine. With his constant barrage of unfunny one-liners and pseudo-tough guy swagger, you can't help but want to punch him in the face throughout the entire movie. Seriously, how are we supposed to believe this guy ever made detective? Intellectually, he's on par with the typical "dumb jock" character, and never shows the slightest hint of investigative skills or responsibility. Your hatred for Bigelow will pretty much be sealed in the film's opening minutes, when he shamelessly mugs and cracks lame jokes in the middle of a shoot-out, while dozens of his fellow officers are killed around him.
Not that Treat Williams fares much better, mind you. Williams has put in perfectly serviceable performances in a number of other films, but he barely even registers here; his apparent boredom suggests that even he knew this film was below him – and considering we're talking about Treat Williams, that's saying something.
So, yes, it is a remarkably bad movie. But, if you are in the mood for a horror-comedy starring Joe Piscopo…get some help, immediately. Seriously, there's no excuse for that.
The 411: In recent years, Dead Heat has actually developed a bit of a cult following, who believe it falls into the "so bad it's brilliant" territory. But, really, Dead Heat is such a boring, uninspired effort that it doesn't even pass muster as an enjoyably-cheesy good time. At least the majority of lame zombie movies are pretty much harmless; that's not the case here, as I'm fairly confident that Joe Piscopo's unbearable performance has been known to be fatal to small children and the elderly (healthy adults should only feel nauseous, if lucky). I suppose it might be worth a look for horror fans who just have to see every Vincent Price performance, but otherwise this isn't really worth anyone's time.
