The October Zombie-Thon! - Day 31: Hard Rock Zombies
Posted by Trevor Snyder on 10.31.2006
The Zombie-Thon has already seen sex and drugs, so how about we finish it up with some rock 'n roll?
HARD ROCK ZOMBIES (1985)
Directed by: Krishna Shah Written by: David Allen Ball & Krishna Shah Country: USA
Just how awesome is the mind-blowingly bad 1985 heavy-metal/zombie opus Hard Rock Zombies? Well, let me put it this way: I never intended for it to be the final film in my month-long Zombie-Thon. When I first conceived of this column, one of the toughest decisions I faced was which film would be worthy enough of the coveted Halloween spot. It was a question I wrestled with even as the column got underway; my original intention being that I would try to end the month with a film truly scary enough to deserve the honor. But once I saw Hard Rock Zombies, I knew my search was over. True, it's not scary, per se – well, actually, come to think of it, anything involving cheesy ‘80s hair metal has a certain level of undeniable terror to it.
But, no, the reason I knew this film would be the one to end them all was its sheer anti-perfection, so to speak. In a month full of enjoyably-bad movies like Revenge of the Living Dead Girls, Hell of the Living Dead, and Zombie Death House, Hard Rock Zombies triumphantly stands above them all, like some kind of bad movie Holy Grail. As I watched it unfold before my very eyes, I was mesmerized by its overwhelming atrociousness. I couldn't look away, but nor could I stop smiling. Have you ever seen a movie, read a book, or listened to an album that was so good, you wish you could forget it so that you could experience it for the first time again? That's my feeling with Hard Rock Zombies. Well, except for the part about it being "so good," but you know what I mean.
How best to describe Hard Rock Zombies, besides saying it's one of the most hilarious examples of filmmaking incompetence you will ever encounter? Well, try to picture the lamest, most nauseating ‘80s hair metal music video you can imagine, and now think what it would be like if someone saw that video and said, "well, it's OK, but it sure would be better if we expanded it to feature-length, threw in some zombies, boobs, midgets, werewolves, and Nazis, and then sliced the budget in half." That's Hard Rock Zombies in a nutshell.
As for the plot, well, there is one, and it's a humdinger. We meet an on-the-rise "heavy metal" band, led by lead singer and bass player Jessie, whose next scheduled gig is in the small hick town of Grand Guignol. A young girl from the town, named Cassie, comes to Jessie before they leave and urges him not to bring his band there, but mysteriously does not offer a reason why. The band chooses to ignore her warning, since there's going to be a record executive at the show, and it could be their big break.
On the way to the town, Jessie plays a bass line which he tells his band-mates he learned from a book – confusing one of them, who has apparently never heard of "books." Anyway, this bass line supposedly has the ability to bring the dead back to life. Remember that, it might just be important later. The band then picks up a beautiful blond hitchhiker, looking for a ride back to her home in, wouldn't you know it, Grand Guignol. The woman offers to let the band stay with her and her family, and they agree, even though at this point they've known her for all of 45 seconds.
Once in the town the band discovers that the townspeople are not the biggest fans of rock music. In fact, almost immediately upon the bands arrival the town council passes an ordinance banning rock music, and then proceeds to arrest the band. Granted, they haven't played any music yet, but that really doesn't matter, since they are apparently arrested for the crime of owning a van.
Thankfully, they are bailed out by the hitchhiker, but Cassie returns and warns Jessie not to trust the blond woman. Jessie and Cassie begin a flirtatious relationship, which is just a tad bit creepy, considering she's all of 14 and he looks to be about 30. And it's not like the film ignores this questionable development, as Jessie proceeds to write a song about his love for Cassie, a song which, from what I could hear, seemed to advocate the love of underage girls (sample lyric: "I'm so in love…but you're so young").
The band returns to the blond woman's mansion, where they allow their lust for her to overrule their apprehension about staying with her strange family. This turns out to be a mistake, as this isn't your usual run-of-the-mill group of wackos: the grandfather turns out to be a very-much-alive Adolf Hitler, and the grandmother is none other than Eva Braun, who is now, for whatever reason, a werewolf. The infamous couple has sired an entire clan of twisted murderers and deranged dwarves (in the film's most twisted scene, the two dwarves, one of whom inexplicably looks like a goblin, are allowed to watch their grandfather and grandmother make love. There's not even any nudity in this scene and I still felt like burning my eyes out after seeing it).
The family proceeds to kill the band, and the town apparently puts aside its hatred of the group long enough to not only bury them in the town cemetery, but to give them a full funeral at that (which many of the townspeople even attend)! Once alone, a grief-stricken Cassie stands over the bands graves and plays a recording of Jessie's magic bass-line, which allows the band to rise from their graves – a feat not all that remarkable given that they were apparently buried only one inch below the ground. This new zombified version of the band now sports Kiss-like face makeup and walk around in a ridiculous "robot dance" manner.
After returning to the mansion and violently dispatching of their killers, the band continues on to their scheduled show, where the only audience member turns out to be the record executive. You might expect a slightly different sound from a band that has died and come back to life, but instead the band launches right into the same songs we've already heard them play earlier in the movie (which doesn't stop the filmmakers from making us sit through them, in their entirety, again). The record exec loves it, but unfortunately the bands music also revives the murderous family, and you know what that means – you've seen me discuss how much more evil a Nazi zombie is than a regular one, but Hard Rock Zombies takes it one step further and brings us the zombie version of Hitler himself! Friends, you just DO NOT get more evil than that.
The now-undead family of murderers descends upon the town, drawn to the sound of the band's concert (it's nice to know someone is). The panicked townspeople, desperate to find a way to rid themselves of all these bloodthirsty ghouls, eventually decide that maybe the zombies will go away if they offer them a virgin sacrifice. And guess which young girl they just happen to pick for their plan? This of course leads to one last epic confrontation between the two groups of zombies. Well, alright, maybe "epic" is a bit of an overstatement. But, hey, Hitler's secret gas chambers get to play a part, if that counts for anything.
What more do I need to say to convince you to track down a copy of this movie as soon as possible? Do I need to tell you about the inane musical montage scene when the band first arrives in Grand Guignol, featuring the guys dancing and cavorting about in the streets as the townspeople look on? Or would you rather hear about the bizarre running gag which sees one of the zombie dwarves sit at a dinner table and slowly eat himself? The woman who picks up her boyfriend's decapitated head and asks him if he's ok? Or the scene in which the townspeople try to defend themselves against the evil zombies by hiding behind giant cardboard heads, because everyone knows zombies hate heads. Wait…huh?
I would imagine the people responsible for Hard Rock Zombies had at least a slight awareness of how cheesy a film they were making, but I doubt even they knew what kind of goofy masterpiece they were going to end up with. Was this thing supposed to be a comedy? Was it intended as some sort of wicked parody, mocking the outlandish excess of both ‘80s rock and ‘80s horror movies (which would be particularly impressive given that this was made in 1985)? If that was the case, Hard Rock Zombies could be seen as a sort of twisted work of genius. But even if they were just trying to make a legitimately mainstream horror film, and failing miserably (which I think is far more likely), it doesn't change how amazing this film is. In fact, I'd much rather that was the case, since it only adds to the film's quirky charm. Either way, it shouldn't be missed.
The 411: I could go on and on about this one, but it really just needs to be seen to be believed. There are bad movies, there are bad movies, and then there's Hard Rock Zombies. If you have any kind of love for the school of "so bad it's good" cinema, and you haven't seen this film, you are doing yourself a disservice. As far as I can tell, the only reason Hard Rock Zombies doesn't enjoy a Plan 9 from Outer Space-type cult following is that not enough people have been exposed to it. Let's change that, shall we?
HIGHLY RECOMMENDED
And there you have it, folks. The October Zombie-Thon is officially over, and what a ride it's been. We've had some laughs, got a few scares, saw A LOT of breasts, and even more gratuitous violence. More importantly, we learned some vital lessons. For example:
- A zombie apocalypse does not necessarily have to mean the end of your sexually experimental lifestyle (The Stink of Flesh).
- Drinking beer might just be the key to avoiding becoming a zombie (The Grapes of Death).
- You definitely DO NOT want to deal with Asian zombies, who have an uncanny ability to spontaneously reproduce (Bio Zombie and Junk).
- And, perhaps most significantly, we learned that zombies can't get boners (Shatter Dead).
Personally, I learned that no matter how much you love zombie films, watching 31 one of them in the span of a month can start to feel a little, well, tedious. So, I will now be temporarily taking a little break from my undead friends, to allow my brain to recharge - not to mention recover from seeing Joe Piscopo's performance in Dead Heat.
Oh, I'm sure I won't stay away from the flesh-eating antics for long, though. After all, even after an entire month's worth of zombie film reviews, I've barely scratched the genre's surface. And you know what that means…
