Misunderstood Masterpieces: Stuart Saves His Family
Posted by Will Helm on 11.07.2006
… or, But Who’s Going to Save Me?!?
Don't ask me. Ask Lorne Michaels. For some reason, the long-time – and sometimes on-again, off-again – creator and producer of Saturday Night Live finds the need to bring some of his television properties to the big screen. While a handful of these ended up as successes – The Blues Brothers, Wayne's World – most of the time these films end up as disappointing – or, worse, mind-numbingly annoying – flops. In the past, I have covered in these very pages two of those films: the horribly unfunny The Ladies Man and the unneeded sequel Blues Brothers 2000. Sadly, those two films are just the tip of the iceberg of the Saturday Night Live-film canon.
In the next three weeks, I shall explore – and risk my life while doing it – three of these aforementioned dregs of the SNL films. First up, for good or for ill, is the 1995 entry, Stuart Saves His Family. The film's main character, motivational speaker – of sorts – Stuart Smalley, stems from the Saturday Night Live character of the same name. Actually, it's the exact same character, so I really don't know why I typed that last sentence. Anyway, created by long-time SNL writer and featured player Al Franken, Stuart Smalley is a milquetoast public-access host of a feel-good New Age show called Daily Affirmation. The humor of the original sketch – on the occasions it was funny – lied in making the celebrity host – usually a famous athlete – look hilariously insecure, only to be comforted by the sympathetic Stuart Smalley. I'm laughing inside already just thinking about it . . . mainly because I can't believe someone made a movie out of the character. Well, with a reputation preceding it like that, Stuart Saves His Family might just be a Misunderstood Masterpiece. Let's find out!
After a plethora of various family pictures scroll behind the opening credits, the scene shifts rapidly to the most logical place – especially for those who have never watched Saturday Night Live and have stumbled into the film without any prior knowledge or, as I like to call them, fools – Stuart Smalley's television show. According to Stuart (Franken), he's on television to help people but he has something getting in the way of that: he's a perfectionist. Hmm . . . if he's a perfectionist, then why is his movie so bad? Luckily for him, he has a sweater knitted by a sex addict to comfort him; unfortunately, the film misses the opportunity to work in subtle sexual symbolism in the sweater. Now that be funny . . . although that was a different column.
Apparently, today is a dark day for Stuart, as his show is being moved on the public-access station from noon to 2:45 AM, right after a hair-replacement infomercial and just before Two Hours of my Foot. Stuart isn't happy with the move – I guess he thinks that he'll have to come into the studio in the dark of night to do the show; he must never have heard of videotape – so he vents and rants on the executive in charge of the public-access network. Of course, since she's being slagged on her own network, the public-access executive (Camille Saviola) – which is certainly a stretch of the word "executive" – is not pleased with Stuart's outburst.
That evening, Stuart goes to dinner and laments his earlier moment of rage to his very dear friend Laura San Giacomo. She must have committed a cinematic crime some time in the past because starring in this has to be the equivalent of community service. I blame Pretty Woman. Laura San Giacomo gives Stuart a stern talking-to . . . and then he goes to work as a waiter at the same restaurant! See . . . he wasn't actually having dinner, he was on duty but talking with Laura San Giacomo so it looked like he was having dinner with her! Oh the hilarity . . . the side-splitting hilarity. Stuart, after his gab session with Laura San Giacomo, takes some guy's (Gerritt Graham) order and, throughout, tells the guy not to order anything with fat or salt or anything remotely tasty. In that case, why doesn't Stuart just order for them? He is so getting a bad tip . . . and then he'll probably complain about it on Bitterwaitress.
Before she leaves, Laura San Giacomo gives Stuart a plan of action and then, the next day, Stuart pays the public-access executive a visit. Proving just how milquetoast Stuart can be, the executive makes him wait, so Stuart bonds with the HOT CHICK receptionist, who absolutely adores Stuart . . . just not in THAT way. Hmm . . . I wonder if a woman would improve Stuart's situation or just make his insecurities worse? Anyway, after Stuart helps the HOT CHICK receptionist with her problems, Stuart then finally meets with the executive and apologizes to her for his earlier outburst. The executive, as an act of REVENGE, reads letters to Stuart from people who hate him; Stuart, who must be deaf to constructive criticism, tears up the letters and goes berserk in the executive's office.
Sometime later, Laura San Giacomo shows up at Stuart's apartment with the rest of his twelve-step sponsors. Stuart, meanwhile, isn't taking visitors as he's holed himself up in his apartment to wallow in his grief and self-pity. Before Stuart can respond to his sponsors, a relative of his calls and informs him that . . . an aunt has died! Dum-dum-DUM! Stuart, like any selfless soul, bounds out of bed and into action as there is grief to counsel back at home . . . in Minnesota. Along the way to Minnesota, Stuart recounts his terrible family history: his father is an alcoholic, Stuart was raised by the dead aunt – who wasn't dead at that time, and most of his male relatives died by falling off roofs in drunken stupors.
Once in Minneapolis . . . or St. Paul, Stuart is met by his stoner brother, Donny (Vincent D'Onofrio), who, as per his particular idiom, picks up Stuart on a motorcycle and takes him back home. At the house, Stuart sees his mother (Shirley Knight) again for the first time in a long time. It seems, apparently, that Stuart's mother is eternally pessimistic, so she cheers herself by compulsively cooking. Stuart, meanwhile, to ease his pain at being around his family, plans on compiling his experiences in a journal; later, he'll sell the rights and make a small fortune . . . but that's only if this were real life.
Stuart's father (Harris Yulin) then enters the scene, hammered and then Stuart goes to the funeral where his sister Jodie (Lesley Boone) is having a back spasm. Yes, the film is cut at a breakneck pace. Stuart attempts to help Jodie with her psychosomatic malady but he's rudely interrupted by mourners who dig up bad memories for Stuart. Ah . . . what good is a funeral if everyone isn't upset, no matter the reason. Midway through the service, Stuart's goofy cousin Joe Flaherty shows up and insinuates that there's no grave for the dead aunt. Meanwhile, Stuart imagines that Donny is turning into their father and then he has a flashback about an angry neighbor stealing the Smalley family football and his father confronting the neighbor for REVENGE . . . and the football. For a drunk, he really isn't that bad a guy.
At the cemetery, crazy Joe Flaherty is waiting for the family with two police officers and a court order stating that the dead aunt can't be buried in the allotted grave. Stuart's father believes there's something else in that grave – which is a plot point that is totally forgotten about, sadly – and then he and Donny try to put the dead aunt in the grave themselves. Just like any good burial, a brawl breaks out and Stuart's father and Donny get arrested for their fisticuffs. Sometime later, the aunt is finally buried in another cemetery and then Stuart goes batty because he believes it is his destiny to save his family from their insanity . . . hence the title of the film.
Back in Chicago, Stuart sequesters himself in his apartment once again – perhaps to prepare himself for the daunting task of healing his family – and the HOT CHICK receptionist pays a visit with a handful of letters supporting Stuart from his show's ex-viewers. This positive development finally gives Stuart the gumption to let his sponsors back into his life and then Stuart looks for another job – even though he never really got paid for his public-access gig – and goes to a bunch of support meetings as well. Stuart's well-being is crushed, however, when Jodie calls with bad news once again: the dead aunt's will is in chaos and the family is in shambles because of it! Dum-dum-DUM!
Before leaving once again for Minnesota, Stuart goes to Laura San Giacomo for advice; she tells him not to worry about anything and then to try to get on a sitcom with David Spade. It's nice to see she took her own advice with the latter. Along the way home, Stuart has another flashback, this time about a contest to name the Ajax mascot back when he was a young tyke. Stuart, living up to his mother's expectations, lost . . . which really doesn't mean anything in particular. People lose all the time; it happens. Of course, it would have been far more tragic if Stuart's name was the winner but he lost because his entry was tied with another and the other was received earlier. The film even sets up that outcome . . . but it doesn't follow through! Silly movie.
Back in Minnesota, Stuart visits a local bar with Donny who, drunkenly, complains about Jodie and the dead aunt's will. It seems, according to the will, that the family is to split the dead aunt's house; the only obstacle is that part of the aunt's house lies on a neighbor's property so the family has to pay the neighbor for that piece of his property. Donny, to make up for Jodie's mishandling of the will and the neighbor, tasks Stuart with the duty of talking to the neighbor and negotiating the price of the property down a bit. Then, while Donny stops at the bar, a few of Donny's friends try to get Stuart to drink some beer; Stuart refuses and then, while the friends intimidate Stuart, Donny steps to his brother's defense. Stuart then tries to psychoanalyze his would-be assailants but, alas, a brawl breaks out anyway.
Stuart, mired deeply in the muck of his family issues, calls Laura San Giacomo for advice and she, wisely, tries to dissuade him from trying to "rescue" his family from their crises. Stuart, unsurprisingly, doesn't listen to reason – or, in this case, Laura San Giacomo – and, the next day, he visits the dead aunt's neighbor with the intention of getting the price lowered. The neighbor looks at Stuart like he's crazy – which he is, in a way – and says little. Afterward, Stuart has a meeting with his family where he reveals that the neighbor listened to what Stuart had to say and . . . he raised the price of the property! Stuart's family, unsurprisingly, freaks out and Donny gives Stuart a stern talking to. He then tells Stuart that he wants Stuart to lie about the neighbor's new price . . . and Donny then blackmails Stuart into lying by disseminating incriminating pages of Stuart's journal among the family.
Stuart, upset at his mistreatment by his ungrateful family, leaves for Chicago and then, once there, he watches fireworks with Laura San Giacomo in a scene that seems symbolic but really isn't. Stuart, as it is Independence Day, declares his independence from his family . . . so he's going to just go by Stuart now? Like Prince and Cher? Anyway, after Stuart's emancipation, Laura San Giacomo works up the courage to tell Stuart about her sordid family history. Apparently, she is the bastard child of a one-time fling her mother had while married to her "father." Years after, Laura San Giacomo tracked down her real father and actually met him; she knew it was him because he had her eyes. What he was doing with her eyes, I'll never know. Groucho Marx would be proud. Anyway, the good feelings were abruptly ruined when Laura San Giacomo's real father hit on her. Ah, incest is always best . . . even when it's with the daughter you never knew you had.
Stuart, touchingly, volunteers to be Laura San Giacomo's surrogate father – so he's going to hit on her too? Freaky! – and then Laura San Giacomo proposes that Stuart try to get his show picked up by a new cable network devoted to health issues. So I guess now he'll be on before Two Hours of my Foot Surgery. See that: set up the joke, then pay it off. I rule sometimes. Anyway, the next day, Stuart visits the public-access station looking for a tape of his show. Unfortunately for him, mousy replacement receptionist Julia Sweeney tells him that the public-access executive wants $400 for the tape! Julia Sweeney then, suspiciously, makes a production out of going to lunch . . . and Stuart actually takes the hint and steals the tape!
Stuart, running as fast as his legs can carry him – perhaps he's fueled by a psychotic rage, brings the tape to Laura San Giacomo, who was in the middle of a very important meeting with Ted Raimi and a bunch of guys in nice suits. Laura San Giacomo, sympathetic to Stuart's plight, has one of her underlings at wherever she works copy the tape for Stuart. Ooh . . . the MPAA is going to be coming after her now! Stuart returns with the tape to the public-access station but, alas, Julia Sweeney is there waiting for him . . . and she's eating lunch! Dum-dum-DUM! Stuart tries to cover for his absence and nervousness by psychoanalyzing Julia Sweeney; then, overcome by his shame and conscience, Stuart confesses his crime to Julia Sweeney. The public-access executive hears the entire confession and then she confronts Stuart with threats of incarceration, so he responds by calling her a "vagina"! Them's fightin' words.
In the aftermath of the vagina outburst – which sounds far more disgusting than I intended it to be, Laura San Giacomo gets Stuart his cable show and he's instantaneously whisked away to rehearsals . . . or, actually, a taping for the entire season. Stuart, with aplomb, goes right into the production of the show and, in the first episode, he blames himself for all of his psychological problems . . . which can't be good for the psyche. Doesn't he know that his problems are everyone else's fault? Luckily, Stuart also has Julia Sweeney on hand and he helps her with her issues, which are mainly that she doesn't breathe and she constantly apologizes. Honestly, for some reason I think that the former would make the latter somewhat impossible but who am I to question the movie's logic?
The cable network, shockingly, loves Stuart's show – probably because it's a great time-filler; running a niche cable network is hard work! – and they give him a raise and a long-term deal. Stuart, emboldened and overjoyed at this development, celebrates by signing an autograph and a subpoena. Hmm . . . that's odd. Of course, it's not really that odd as Stuart's family is suing him – or someone's suing him – because of the dead aunt's will. Stuart once again goes back to Minnesota and, once there, he meets face-to-face with the family's lawyer, professional dick Kurt Fuller. That man certainly knows his bread and butter. Apparently, Stuart's family isn't suing Stuart, it's the neighbor's nephew instead and the only reason for the meeting is that Kurt Fuller and the family want Stuart to lie about his meeting with the now-dead neighbor so that they don't go to jail for perjury.
Not long after, Stuart goes to court and, after the deceased neighbor's nephew testifies, Stuart is called to the stand. Once there, Stuart tells the truth about his family – without being questioned – and his family, unsurprisingly, goes berserk. Stuart, back in Chicago, comes clean about his litigious experience on his show and reveals that his father and brother were convicted of perjury and the only person he can truly fix is himself. Of course, just like Michael Corleone in The Godfather, Part III, just when Stuart thought he was out his family pulls him back in when his sister calls and tells Stuart that his father shot Donny! Dum-dum-DUM!
Stuart goes back home once more and, upon arriving, he learns the truth about the incident: his father shot Donny in a drunken hunting accident. Apparently, due to Stuart's last visit in Minnesota, his parents now hate him and Stuart's mom gives him a lecture elaborating on that in the hospital. Then, for no reason whatsoever, she has a breakdown and leaves. Stuart, meanwhile, visits Donny, who reveals that getting shot was an epiphany and he's pledged to go straight. He then states, oddly, that he's always been jealous of Stuart – probably because Stuart was wise enough to get out of Minnesota at the first chance he had – and now, taking a cue from his brother, he wants to help their father with his addiction.
Sometime after, but before Donny is fully recovered as he clutches his wound at random intervals, the family plans an intervention for the father. The counselor reassures the family that the father will be going to rehab and they have a "bedwetting for him." Well . . . that's what the man said! Don't look at me like that! The counselor, perhaps to prove his power over people's psyches, then makes the mother have a breakdown right there in his office. That night, Stuart and Donny bond in their bedroom and they spend the entire night cracking up; oddly, neither are stoned at the time. I guess this is proof that Donny is a changed man: he can laugh without the help of marijuana. Stuart, overnight, has another flashback, this time to a breakneck trip through Hollywood that ended when young Stuart got hit by a car in front of the "Hollywood" sign. Apparently that was the cause of his father's alcohol issues . . . or something like that.
The next day, Donny conspires to bring the father to the intervention but, once there, the father freaks out, reluctant to hear his family's concerns. The father then picks a fight with a now-reformed – and, possibly, miraculously fully healed – Donny and then Stuart tells his father that he just wants acknowledgement for his successes. Stuart's father, rather than relenting and admitting that Stuart made something of himself out in the crazy world, elects to go to jail instead. For some reason, this leads to Stuart having a dream about his father drunkenly falling off a church steeple . . . and then Stuart catches him before he splatters on the hard concrete below. Again, that should be symbolic but it really isn't since Stuart's father is probably being anally raped in prison at the same time.
Stuart, finally, goes back to Chicago but, before he leaves, he tells Jodie that he's not coming back for Christmas – thank goodness; I'm honestly sick of typing "Back in Minnesota" – and then, once in Chicago, Stuart makes another confession of the preceding events on his show. After the taping ends, Stuart, his crew, and his friends have a Christmas party and everyone's there . . . except for Stuart's family and the evil public-access executive. Laura San Giacomo bonds with Stuart and then she makes a joke about going home to Ohio for the holidays, which isn't really funny. Then, in a surprise treat, Donny arrives at the party and everyone lives happily ever after . . . except for Stuart's father, who's now someone's bitch. Oh, and Stuart's mother, who has to deal with an empty house and the guilt of the fact that her intervention didn't work. And Jodie, who is more than likely in the hospital with some psychosomatic disease. Sadly, it's also plainly obvious that Laura San Giacomo and Donny are going to hook up, she'll get pregnant, and Donny will go back to his drinking and pot-smoking ways due to the stress. Unsurprisingly, Stuart will blame himself for all of these developments . . . but this is all conjecture as of now.
Among its many faults, the greatest problem with Stuart Saves His Family is that it suffers from a malaise of "lather-rinse-repeat." The film has two settings – Chicago and Minnesota – and it bounces with regularity between the two ad nauseam. There's little to no character development – except for Donny, but his change is so sudden that it's more of a plot device than a carefully crafted shift – and the film itself isn't just not funny . . . it's boring. For some reason, Stuart Saves His Family misses every opportunity to build humor and pay it off, instead of being one step behind its own jokes. In addition, there's also the case of the unneeded flashbacks, which do more to hinder the characters than bolster them (e.g. the father is a sympathetic character in a few of the flashbacks while the mother is a mean-spirited pessimist). All in all, Stuart Saves His Family is a muddled mess and, following the alliteration, a Misunderstood Masterpiece as well.
Join me next week as I study the hilarity inherent in androgyny! See you then!
