Misunderstood Masterpieces: Date Movie

Posted by Will Helm on 12.05.2006

…or, And Now, In No Particular Order . . . The Worst Films of 2006!

When all is said and done, 2006 was a banner year for bad movies. For every Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest or Borat! or . . . wait, were there any other smash hits this year? Anyway, for all two of those movies, it seemed that this year reigns supreme in the annals of bad movie years. Even big money-makers were considered flops, like X-Men: The Last Stand and Superman Returns! Of course, the executives in Hollywood will blame evil Chinese pirates or even dirty downloading college kids for the downturn in cinema, forgetting the most important element of all: most of their movies are awful. So awful was 2006, in fact, that this year I'm doing something a little different; instead of just selecting one film as the worst of the year, this time I bring four worthy candidates for that title. Yes, it's the four worst movies of 2006, here . . . and only here.

First up is a film residing currently at 97 on the IMDB.com Bottom 100, the spoof-tacular Date Movie. But first, a little background on the genre. Until Scary Movie – which really wasn't that good – six years ago, the spoof seemed to be a lost art in the realm of cinema. Once mastered by such auteurs as Mel Brooks with Blazing Saddles and Young Frankenstein, among others, and the triumvirate of Zucker-Abrams-Zucker (creators of Airplane! and the Naked Gun series), the film spoof seemingly fell on hard times . . . until Scary Movie revived it in the early 2000s. Unfortunately, the genre lost something in the long layoff as the subtlety – if spoofs can be considered subtle – of the prior masterworks disappeared from newer films. Whereas earlier spoofs never let on that they were, in fact, comedies – consider the deadpan gravitas of Airplane! or Young Frankenstein – newer spoofs put the jokes front and center, rather than letting the jokes occur naturally. This is the inherent problem with newer spoofs like the Scary Movie series, Not Another Teen Movie, or Date Movie . . . today's study in the annals of Misunderstood Masterpieces!

Date Movie begins, stereotypically, as its namesake genre would with, disturbingly, a wedding. Apparently, at the wedding, comically fat Alyson Hannigan is marrying fake Napoleon Dynamite (Josh Meyers) but, before they can tie the knot and she eats his tots, fake Napoleon Dynamite rebukes fat Alyson Hannigan . . . and she wakes up from the horrible, horrible nightmare. Unfortunately for her, she's still comically fat but, now, she's known as Julia Jones, whiny diary writer. As Julia writes in her journal, she expounds on her sad state in life while watching her elderly neighbor's cats fight for no particular reason. Just a note: if this is a comedy, it has yet to be funny.

Just because it was entirely uncalled for, Julia, after finishing her daily entry, elects to go out on the street and dance to the tune of Kelis' "Milkshake," which would have been much funnier and more original if it hadn't already been used in Dodgeball. Instead of piquing the interest of male passersby, Julia merely incites nearby construction workers to commit suicide at the sight of her rhythmic gyrations. Somehow, Julia in fact gyrates so rhythmically that her chest, hilariously, ends up on her back; wow, didn't I see something like that in Spaceballs? Well, if they're going to rip off jokes, at least they're ripping them off from the best. Julia is then disappointed when she believes another guy is dancing with her, but he's just hitting on his gay lover. Surprisingly, the filmmakers didn't go for the obvious Brokeback Mountain joke; a point in their favor. To end the dance number/opening credits, some firefighters hose down Julia and a bunch of guys run away from the scene in horror. I'd do that too if I didn't feel an obligation to finish this movie.

Hilariously, just to belabor another – better – movie, Julia works as a waitress – not in a cocktail bar . . . then Human League would be proud – in a Greek restaurant owned by her parents Eddie Griffin and Meera Simhan. Yes, her father is black and her mother is Indian . . . and they're supposed to be Greek. And, yes, that's supposed to be a joke, too. Just like the fact that Julia also has a Japanese sister (Marie Matiko). Eddie Griffin, ripping off a gag from a better film – My Big Fat Greek Wedding – then sprays Julia with hummus for no particular reason. See above for one of the many problems with the "obvious joke" philosophy toward spoofs: if the viewer hasn't seen the movie being ripped off, then they won't get the joke. Rather than spoofing a genre with clever observations, modern spoofs are simply a mélange of direct movie spoofs loosely tied together to make a whole movie. Silly filmmakers; spoofs aren't for kids.

Anyway, at the restaurant, Julia serves a DREAMY British guy (Adam Campbell) and then, distractedly, she beats him with a coffee urn and then he disappears. OK then. Later that day – or sometime later – Julia goes off in search of the DREAMY British guy and she meets with an angry black dwarf (Tony Cox) who bills himself as a "date doctor." Julia first describes to him her encounter with the DREAMY British guy and then the angry dwarf pulls a chicken wing out of her teeth. Then, just to freak out the audience, Julia and the angry dwarf make out. Miscegenation! Oh, the horror of racial mixing (even though she has a black father, Indian mother, and Japanese sister in a Greek restaurant)!

After Julia and the angry dwarf finish their liplock, he tells her that she should try a dating reality show – spoofing The Bachelor . . . which isn't even a movie! – and then, in order to make Julia over, he takes her to West Coast Customs for a little bodywork. Wait a sec . . . Pimp My Ride isn't a movie either! At least keep your spoof material in the same medium, movie! Anyway, the comically exaggerated makeover is successful and Julia, unsurprisingly, turns into a HOT CHICK, so she goes on the reality show to find her love. Shockingly, as it would occur only if it were scripted that way, the bachelor on the show is . . . the DREAMY British guy! He chooses his betrothed by shooting the contestants with a shotgun until, luckily, only Julia is left. Now it really would've been funnier if he hadn't chosen her, but don't tell anyone I said that.

Julia then, unsurprisingly, goes out on a date with the DREAMY British guy and, at the restaurant, the DREAMY British guy fakes an orgasm while ordering his meal. Yup. Through the helpful art of expository conversation, Julia reveals that she once wanted to go to Harvard's legendary culinary school – legendary mainly because it doesn't exist – but her attempt was thwarted when she sent the admissions department a video made like a Girls Gone Wild spoof. Oddly, back then she was thin, too; I guess she doesn't handle rejection well. Or the filmmakers can't handle continuity well. After dinner, out on the street, Julia and the DREAMY British guy serenade each other and then they beat up a drunk. Back at Julia's apartment, she and the DREAMY British guy get it on – with her old, creepy neighbor watching – and then the DREAMY British guy freaks out over the contents of Julia's medicine cabinet.

Sometime later, Julia introduces the DREAMY British guy to her hilariously multi-ethnic family. Her lovable mom's first request: a sperm sample. Ah, there's nothing like the humor of eugenics. When the DREAMY British guy goes off to fulfill Julia's mother's entreaty, he encounters a disturbing sight: the family cat relieving itself on the toilet . . . for an inexorably and exaggeratedly long time . . . because the sounds of flatulence are always funnier when they're stretched over five minutes or so. At dinner, the entire scene turns into a near-analogue of Meet the Parents – another much better film – until the DREAMY British guy accidentally knocks an urn from the mantle and Eddie Griffin's dead mother's mummified corpse pops out! Everyone is horrified at the sight of the desiccated body, except for the cat, which proceeds to hump Eddie Griffin's dead mom. Ah, that's just what this movie needs: zombie cat babies!

That evening, Julia and the DREAMY British guy have a chat while Michael Jackson gets pummeled in the background for no reason. I guess the people who are behind these spoofs have that Michael Jackson impersonator on the permanent payroll or something. The DREAMY British guy, then, takes Julia to a nearby 24-hour jewelry store – which is much nicer than one would expect – and they get engaged. After Julia and the DREAMY British guy walk off, elated, a duo of hobbits and a wizard show up to sell off a certain nondescript ring . . . and then the joke goes on far too long, totally undermining its humorous impact. There's a reason someone, somewhere coined the term "belabor" because when the filmmakers belabor a joke, it feels like work to laugh at it.

In the aftermath of Julia's betrothal, her family drives over to the DREAMY British guy's house in a GIANT motorhome. Along the way, the DREAMY British guy speaks insulting jive to Eddie Griffin while Julia teaches pimp sign language to a random Aryan toddler along for the ride. Once at the DREAMY British guy's home, Fred Willard – his father – does kung fu in the front yard and then he makes out with Julia, just because he's Fred Willard. After Fred Willard violates his son's fiancée's personal space, Stifler's mom (Jennifer Coolidge) – who is also the DREAMY British guy's mom – shows up doing a Barbra Streisand impression. Then, just to add to the mess of movie references, a flaming gay housekeeper makes a guest appearance, just to embarrass the DREAMY British guy. Meanwhile, Eddie grabs his restaurant's dirty exterminator (Judah Friedlander, doing the retarded redneck character he's always been doing) – who was introduced earlier and I just totally forgot about . . . which is a good thing – and he wants Julia to marry him instead. Julia refuses, so, while Stifler's mom and Julia's mom bond over sex tips, Eddie Griffin plays basketball with Fred Willard, who rubs his hairy chest against Eddie Griffin's face . . . just because he's Fred Willard.

After the meeting with the parents, Julia and the DREAMY British guy meet with a wedding planner suggested by Stifler's mom . . . and it's fake J.Lo (Valery Ortiz)! For no reason in particular, fake J.Lo strips and dances in her office and busts up the place with her comically large derriere. Yes, J.Lo has a big butt; funny, movie . . . very funny. Later that day, Julia finally meets the DREAMY British guy's best man . . . and it's a HOT CHICK (Sophie Monk) in a bikini who moves in slow-motion and feels herself up with cheeseburgers. Wait . . . is it a proper spoof if the movie is ripping off obscure commercials? After the best man's little sexual interlude, she insults Julia's boobs – or apparent lack thereof . . . even though I'd contend that they're nicely proportioned . . . if that doesn't get me in any trouble – and then the best man strips. She then recounts just how she and the DREAMY British guy met: it was in Hollywood where he was a hooker with a heart of gold and she wanted to give him teh butts3xx0rz. The best man then reveals that she and the DREAMY British guy broke off their engagement three weeks ago, so Julia tears out the best man's implants. Well, she does in her mind, at least.

For some reason, Julia and the DREAMY British guy then go to a therapist together – even though they've been dating about a week or so – and, through the therapist's help, it's revealed that Julia and the DREAMY British guy secretly loathe each other. Ah, that means they're meant to be together . . . and get pregnant multiple times in an effort to save the marriage until she snaps due to post-partum depression and murders all the kids and then someone blames it all on Law and Order. Oh wait . . . that's not spoof world; that's real world. Oops.

As, seemingly, Julia and the DREAMY British guy have reconciled after their therapy session, Julia and the best man go wedding-dress shopping together. Shockingly, they bond . . . until Julia is somehow nearly electrocuted and she suddenly develops the ability to read minds! It is through her newfound telepathy that Julia realizes that the best man secretly wants the DREAMY British guy for herself so they both pull out katanas and have flashbacks to earlier in the film. For some reason, fake White Goodman is in one of Julia's flashbacks . . . even though that scene didn't even appear in the movie! And, even more bizarrely, a phone in the room rings and even the phone has flashbacks to earlier in the movie. Although, among all this weirdness, one question remains unanswered: Kill Bill was a date movie?

After dispatching the best man, Julia returns to the angry dwarf's office and he teaches her how to dance; somehow, she does this while covered in warpaint for some reason. Yeah . . . I don't get the joke. Back at her apartment, Julia has a chat with her former self in the mirror and she has a nervous breakdown. Later, at the rehearsal dinner, Lil Jon shows up for no particular reason to insult blacks everywhere; honestly, how is his shtick even appreciated as it sets back blacks for nearly generations? Even a white guy knows he's an embarrassment. Anyway, the best man, who is remarkably alive, shows up at the dinner to try and seduce the DREAMY British guy. Meanwhile, Julia wants to know what's going on between them . . . so the DREAMY British guy starts singing again. Methinks Julia should reconsider this marriage; it's obvious that her betrothed likes showtunes a little too much. Anyway, a musical number breaks out . . . featuring tons of exposition, just in case the viewer wasn't paying attention. Of course, if the viewer left long ago, that's a different story.

Finally, on the wedding day, Julia pops a giant pimple and then the best man tries to seduce the DREAMY British guy again. Doesn't she realize he's just not into . . . women? The DREAMY British guy, of course, spurns the best man's advances, but they make out anyway in front of the church . . . and in front of Julia! Julia, unsurprisingly, freaks out and goes home and, once there, she finds her house filled with flowers. That night, the DREAMY British guy serenades Julia from the street below her apartment a la Say Anything. Instead of getting back together with the DREAMY British guy, Julia gets a cat and resigns herself to living the life of a spinster . . . while her family's cat visits with the creepy neighbor. No, it doesn't make any sense and, no, I can't help that fact.

Even more finally, Eddie Griffin tells Julia, as a father to a daughter, to marry the dirty exterminator and Julia, faced with either that or living a lonely life, agrees after a little heart-to-heart with her father. At Julia's second wedding, she has a flashback to all the great times she had with the DREAMY British guy filled with earlier scenes in the movie, some, this time, in which Julia wasn't even involved. She must really be telepathic, then. Eddie, wisely sensing his daughter's apprehension, breaks up the wedding because he saw the flashback in his mind's eye; whoa . . . he's telepathic too? This movie is getting really confusing. Wait . . . it's been there for a while.

Then, perhaps to illustrate just how telepathic Julia is, she has an argument with a voiceover by the DREAMY British guy and then the angry dwarf shows up on the scene to help her steal a motorcycle! I guess they learned that by playing Grand Theft Auto 3; Jack Thompson wouldn't be very proud. Apparently, the DREAMY British guy, now bizarrely hirsute, has been waiting on top of Julia's apartment building for six months and, ironically, once Julia arrives, he takes the elevator down while she takes the stairs up.

Once on the roof, Julia is heartbroken to find that the DREAMY British guy isn't there, so she falls off the roof . . . and directly into the DREAMY British guy's arms. Now if the rest of the movie were as subtle as that, it would be so much funnier. Unfortunately, once Julia is safely on the ground, all goodwill built up through that clever – if expected – turn of events is totally ruined as she as the DREAMY British guy trade movie catchphrases and reconcile. At the (hopefully) FINAL wedding, the angry dwarf officiates while the best man makes out with the dirty exterminator. After they're hitched, Julia and the DREAMY British guy honeymoon on Kong Island . . . and Carmen Electra is there! Ooh . . . threesome!

Even though Date Movie may elicit a chuckle here and there, it does have one great benefit: it's short. Unfortunately, that's the best I can say about it. In the vein of so many other "spoofs" nowadays, Date Movie puts the jokes front and center and, worse, shoehorns them into the plot, totally undermining the humor. While the better, earlier spoofs let the plot dictate the jokes, Date Movie totally forsakes the plot, which is much to its detriment. As a collection of jokes and pop culture references, yes, Date Movie succeeds but, as a coherent film and well-crafted spoof, Date Movie falls very flat. Whenever that happens, it is surely evidence that the film isn't just one of the worst of 2006 but also a Misunderstood Masterpiece!

Join me next week for three words: HOT CHICK vampire. How can that be bad? Two words: Uwe Boll. Got the picture? See you then!