The 411 Top 5: Week 38

Posted by Trevor Snyder on 12.08.2006

The Top 5 Worst Animated Films

If last week's animation love-fest suggested that the 411 crew loves them some cartoon movies, this week's column seems to hammer the point home. How else to explain why only I and Bryan Kristopowitz were brave enough to dive into the other end of the pool, and offer our takes on the worst animated films? Perhaps it's because people tend to focus a little too much on the positive aspects of animated features, and usually disregard the negatives. Think about it, even critics seem to take it a little easy on animated fare – you hardly ever see an animated film ripped into with the same vitriol as crappy live-action flicks.

But does this mean that the lesser animated films simply aren't as terrible as live-action bombs? Hardly. Take it from Bryan and I, there are a lot of atrocious animated movies out there, too, and unfortunately for us, we've seen quite a few of them. Luckily, this means we can warn others, so that you don't have to make the same mistakes we did. Allow us to humbly present:

THE TOP 5 WOST ANIMATED FEATURE FILMS



Trevor Snyder

5. Pokemon: The First Movie - Look, I'm gonna be honest here, and admit that I've never seen more than about 45 seconds of this movie at a time. So why do I feel like I have the right to include it on my list? Well, I have watched the TV show at least once, out of a sort of perverse curiosity. And I'm guessing the movie ain't much different from that. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe the movie suddenly added actual characterization, a deeper meaning, and a coherent plot. But I doubt it. Seriously, has anyone actually tried to watch this crap? I think if you're over the age of, let's say, two, and you can actually get through an entire episode of this nonsense, let alone a movie, you deserve some kind of medal. I shudder to think what kind of effect this brain-melting garbage is having on the kids who watch this on a regular basis. The worst part is the title of this movie isn't lying, it really was only the first. I'm not sure how many more followed, nor do I really want to know. I'm sure the rest of the series is just as bad as this one, but I'm including the first film just for getting the ball rolling on turning this crap into a legitimate film franchise.

4. G.I. Joe: The Movie - At what point did the G.I. Joe writers lose their minds? Granted, it's not like they were writing Shakespeare or anything when it came to the series itself, but holy crap, what were they thinking with this movie? In their defense, apprently it was the toy-makers, not the producers themselves, who decided to go with fantastical, and incredibly idiotic, origin story for Cobra. So instead of Cobra simply being the sinister organization they were in the show, we had all that "Cobra-la" nonsense shoved down our throats, all so they could sell a few more toys. Gee, thanks. Of course, that was only slightly worse than the introduction of new hero, Lt. Falcon, voiced by Don Johnson (apparently nobody told the producers that Johnson's star power had little to do with his voice, and therefore was not about to make this a huge hit or anything). I'm pretty sure all the Joe fans would have been happy with just having Duke front and center, thank you very much. Then again, we would have been even happier if Cobra Commander hadn't been turned into a huge snake. Alright, I'm getting a headache bringing all these memories back. Next.

3. Heavy Metal 2000 - The first Heavy Metal movie was an admirable, if somewhat flawed, cult classic. Sure, not every single segment was great, but its very diversity was one of the things that made it so cool, and helped it earn its much deserved cult status. A sequel sounded like a great idea when it was first announced, but hindsight is 20/20. This thing was doomed from the very start, as soon as the decision was made to have the entire movie be one story, instead of a series of linked vignettes, a la the first film. Obviously, this was taking away the very thing that made Heavy Metal so memorable, which you would think the makers would realize. Then again, the person in charge of the magazine by this point, not to mention one of the writers of the film, was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles co-creator Kevin Eastman, who clearly wanted to use the sequel as a sort of vanity project for his wife, B-movie queen Julie Strain. I guess people forgot to tell Kevin that while his wife may have quite the fan following, nobody was really dying to see her in animated form. That kinda spoils the whole reason you would watch a Julie Strain movie in the first place, if you get my drift. Not even the additional voice talents of Michael Ironside and Billy Idol could end up saving this wreck, which not surprisingly went mostly ignored. Maybe someday they'll actually do another Heavy Metal movie in the style of the first one. Till then, let's just go on pretending there's only one film, OK?

2. Pocahontas - When Disney started to run out of well-known fairy tales and legends to animate, it was only a matter of time before they turned to actual historical events. If you have any sense, the very idea of a Disney animated musical about a real historical event should make you a little wary. Still, they deserved the benefit of the doubt – or, at least, they did, until they released Pocahontas. Now, yes, I realize a lot of people like this movie, and that it received some acclaim for its animation and being more emotional than the majority of Disney fare. That's all fine and good, but it doesn't change the fact that the story is far more Romeo & Juliet than it is the real history of Pocahontas. And if you're aware that Pocahontas was actually a little girl when John Smith first met her, the love story that Disney created only gets creepier. But hey, at least they made Pocahontas sexy, huh?

1. Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within - I've never got into the Final Fantasy video game series, so I doubt my disappointment with this film was as great as was for those who were hoping it would live up to the games they love so much. But, still, I am a movie fan, so I was at least hoping for something watchable, especially with all the pre-release hype about it being the first movie to deliver photo-realistic CGI humans. On that end, I suppose it could be seen as a success…sort of. Yeah, the characters look great, whenever you pause the movie. But any time they're actually required to, you know, move around and stuff, it looks incredibly stiff. But, even ignoring the fact that the animation didn't quite end up being as amazing as hoped, you can't ignore how hopelessly boring and slow-moving the story is. I have nothing against blending science-fiction and spirituality, in theory, just try to remember to have things happen every once and awhile when you do so. This ended up being one of the biggest animated box-office bombs in history, effectively bankrupting Square Pictures, its production company. Oops. At least they did get to make that short for The Animatrix before folding, which was a lot more impressive than this piece of cinematic turd.




Bryan Kristopowitz

Honorable Mentions

- Jonny's Golden Quest (1993) - While the original Jonny Quest adventures were interesting for their time, I always thought that the show was overrated. When Turner decided to "bring back" Jonny Quest and sort of re-imagine the whole thing, I was intrigued as to whether or not someone could change the show to make it "good." Nope. Even with new animation and more money, the movie is just as bad as the old TV show. It's a great idea, a great concept, but in the end it's just boring.

- Akira (1988) - I actually like Akira, and fully understand what it means and represents in the context of animated entertainment. When I first saw it as a kid, I enjoyed it because it was an animated "cartoon" movie unlike any I had seen before. I did notice that it didn't "move" like any other cartoon movie, that it felt "slow." I just saw it again not that long ago. While the flick's great and grand reputation is well deserved, I still think that parts of the movie are just too slow. It would have been a "better" movie if it had "moved" faster.

- Cinderella (1950) - This is another hard choice for me. I love Cinderella as a movie, as a story. The animation is great, the songs are great, the characters are fine (I like those little mice characters). But I was basically forced to watch this movie over and over and over again when I was younger. My sibling wanted to watch it again and again, and I had no recourse but to watch, too. I've seen it way too many times, and have worked hard to forget large chunks of it. Everyone should see it, yes, but not as many times as I did.



5. Heavy Metal 2000 (2000) - I remember getting all jazzed about this movie and its debut on cable, at midnight on New Years Day. The commercials for it were superb, it was a "sequel" to a fine, whacked out cartoon movie from the 1980's (and "Heavy Metal" magazine, still going strong I understand, was the name inspiration for the whole thing). How could this not work out? I mean, Michael freaking Ironside was doing one of the voices! Michael Ironside! And then I watched it. Well, most of it anyway. I was so bored after an hour I stopped watching it. The experience was such a letdown.

4. Rainbow Brite and the Star Steeler (1985) - After thinking about the whole Rainbow Brite phenomena and how I experienced it way back in the 1980's, I realized that I don't have as much animosity towards the little multicolored hair weird girl and her flying horse. But that's just for the whole toy thing. The cartoon movie, though, is and was just awful. I don't remember much of the story, if there even was one. What I do remember is being bored out of my mind. And this was when I was a kid. An elongated half hour episode of the cartoon show was not what the world needed.

3. Heathcliff: The Movie (1986) - I still read the "Heathcliff" comic strip, and I was a fan of the animated series featuring "The Catillac Cats." This movie, which is one of those compilation clip thingies, is just not good. It feels like a big scam. The Warner Brothers cartoon compilation movies were and still are quite good. Even if they're just "clipped" from shorts and made into a kind of movie. That worked. The Heathcliff movie, though, didn't.

2. G.I Joe: The Movie (1987) - This movie was one of the bigger entertainment disappointments of my young life. What the heck was the deal with all of the snake people? Of course, back then I didn't understand that the whole point of the movie and the cartoon was selling action figures and vehicles. The movie was all about moving new product. I was also upset that Sgt. Slaughter wasn't a bigger part of the story. For some reason I remember wanting it to be about him. Plus, the "dissing" of Cobra Commander was just unacceptable. When it was transformed into several episodes for the TV show, the whole Cobra La story made better sense and was just better. As a movie, though, it was terrible. If they ever make a 3 disc special edition DVD of the movie, though, I'll probably buy it. Even though I don't particularly care for it.

1. Jetsons: The Movie (1990)- The Jetsons was and still is a great cartoon show. It's still funny after all of these years. When the movie came out, I was both jazzed and, at the end, disappointed. The movie wasn't like the TV show. The movie was bigger, more complicated, grander. It didn't fit. It wasn't the show. Jetsons: The Movie is what I fear The Simpson's movie will become. We'll have a great TV show turned into a very different kind, a very bad movie.

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So, what have we learned? That just because an army of animators has worked on something for long periods of time, sometimes even spanning over years, it doesn't mean they're not going to end up with a huge piece of crap. In a way, it's somewhat refreshing to know that animated features are just as susceptible to sucking as live-action ones. Now if only the critics can get the message, and try to hold this films to the same standards they apply to everything else.

Next week, we return to the land of live-action, and pay tribute to those non-actors (athletes, musicians, etc.) who have dared to cross over to the world of cinema, and actually avoided looking like a complete tool in the process. The Top 5 Surprisingly Good Performances, next week!