Misunderstood Masterpieces: BloodRayne

Posted by Will Helm on 12.12.2006

… or, Uwe Boll Is Back . . . And He’s Better Than Ever!

Of course, that's not saying much.

Uwe Boll, of course, may very well be the worst big-budget director at work today. There's always going to be B- and C-level directors who may be worse but no one in the business is as bad and yet seems to find a way to garner backing for his films. After all, Uwe Boll was in the director's chair for the laughable House of the Dead and, even more importantly, last year's Misunderstood Masterpieces Worst Film of the Year: Alone in the Dark. Any film that features Tara Reid as an archeologist instantly gets that distinction . . . not to mention the movie is terrible.

Unsurprisingly, some may argue that the reason behind Uwe Boll's infamous career is the fact that he directs video-game adaptations, which are always bad. After all, I've sat through Street Fighter and Super Mario Bros., so I should know. Unsurprisingly, rather than expand his range to include films that aren't based from video games, Uwe Boll's entry in the Worst Films of 2006 is based from, yes, a video game, specifically the bloody HOT CHICK vampire slasher BloodRayne. Set, initially, in the period directly before World War II, BloodRayne tells the tale of a half-vampire HOT CHICK who does battle with demons and Nazis. No, really. In the sequel, the half-vampire HOT CHICK fast-forwards to modern day and . . . well, she pretty much does the same thing. Shockingly, Uwe Boll and his collaborators, for reasons only known to them, eschew these two viable plot lines and set their version of BloodRayne in a vaguely Medieval period. This sudden shift of timeframe, as always, is the first clue that BloodRayne isn't just one of the Worst Films of 2006 but also a Misunderstood Masterpiece. Let's find out!

Somewhere, probably in Europe, there are paintings of vampires, crucifixions, and Ben Kingsley. Unfortunately, it is never revealed where these mysterious paintings can be found, but it's probably not in the next setting: a dank, medieval town . . . somewhere in Europe. OK; so I was half right. In the dank, medieval town, peasants wander around and buy chickens while Michael Madsen, Michelle Rodriguez, and some dude (Matt Davis) walk the streets with some sort of purpose. The enigmatic trio heads to the local tavern where the friendly barkeep gives them a mission; ooh . . . I wonder how many experience points this will be worth! Anyway, the friendly barkeep tells the trio about a mysterious carnival freak in town – or just outside of town . . . it's not clear which it is – and then, before the trio assents to the mission, the dude kills a random vampire at the bar. Dum-dum-DUM!

After the scene calms down a bit, the friendly barkeep provides helpful exposition – always a hallmark of an Uwe Boll movie: there are either characters that do things or characters just around to provide exposition – and, it seems, that the carnies torture young HOT CHICK Rayne (Kristanna Loken) as part of their show and then they lock her up afterward. Michael Madsen, perhaps feeling sympathetic for the plight of a woman in bondage, takes the job. Meanwhile, at the carnival – which must have been live, rather than a flashback or in the barkeep's head, some chick tells Rayne that they're going to bust out and go free in the near future but, in the meantime, Rayne can have a crucifix instead of freedom. Not much of a trade, I must admit, unless there's some kind of religious symbolism at work. Then again, if I know Uwe Boll, that answer is an emphatic "no."

Elsewhere, in a castle, Ben Kingsley receives news from his main henchman (Will Sanderson) and then he has visions of something or other. After the hallucinations subside, Ben Kingsley tells his henchman to search for Rayne and kill her . . . or not. Meanwhile, speaking of Rayne, she's somehow in the forest, covered in blood, and freaking out. Oh no . . . don't tell me that the film is going the Carrie route here. OK, maybe not, as Rayne has hallucinations herself and, somehow, she's back in her cage. Apparently, a carny tried to rape her, so she smashed a bottle against his head, vamped out, and killed everyone. Wow; something tells me Rayne's got a lot of pent up rage.

After Rayne's flashback, the scene shifts to Michael Madsen and his associates in search of Rayne; along the way, the dude and Michelle Rodriguez complain about the mission, probably just to kill time. Michael Madsen, like a good leader, totally ignores his underlings' complaints as they find the carnival encampment in shambles. After dismounting their horses, Michael Madsen, Michelle Rodriguez, and the dude (who seriously sounds like he's from Southern California) take some time to decapitate the corpses, just because it has something – vaguely – to do with vampires. Moments later, the trio meets the friendly chick who provides a bit of exposition before Michelle Rodriguez kills her due to the fact that Rayne bit her the night before. Oh well; thanks for providing exposition, friendly chick . . . you did great! While Michelle Rodriguez leaves to parts unknown, Michael Madsen and the dude stay behind to burn the bodies. Ah; no evidence. Cagey, guys.

Meanwhile, in some mysterious castle elsewhere in Europe, Billy Zane(!) dictates a letter to his personal secretary . . . who looks suspiciously like Black Adder's Baldrick. Anyway, apparently, Billy Zane is the head of some sort of organization and the purpose of the letter is to – bizarrely – reconcile with his prodigal daughter. Oh, and to save the world in the process; one can never forget that. That evening, in the woods, Rayne slaughters a pack of vampire highwaymen and then she bonds with their intended victims, mainly because she's sensitive and a vampire hunter. So she's medieval Buffy now? This is all so confusing. The victims, probably as a token of gratitude, allow Rayne to hitch a ride into town; once in town, Rayne sees vampires everywhere, so she makes out with a HOT CHICK vampire . . . and then she kills her. Whoa.

After Rayne disposes of the HOT CHICK vampire's body – which pretty much entails leaving it in a gutter, some random fortune teller (Geraldine Chaplin) beckons Rayne over for a chat . . . and a bit of exposition. It seems, according to the fortune teller, that Rayne's father is the most powerful vampire on Earth and, shockingly, Ben Kingsley! Funny . . . I don't see a resemblance. The fortune teller then gives Rayne a mission to aid her in her quest to kill Ben Kingsley – she must really have hated Gandhi: Rayne is to find a magical eye that Ben Kingsley wants and that eye will help Rayne "see" the way to Ben Kingsley. That's so pun-tastic!

Later that night, Kingsley's henchman reports to his boss and Kingsley, once again, asserts that he wants Rayne dead. Meanwhile, spying on Ben Kingsley's headquarters, Michael Madsen and the dude are on the case. Elsewhere, Rayne visits a monastery where the kindly monks allow her to grab some food and rest a bit. I suppose she needed to replenish her hit points. Rayne sleeps until what would probably coincide with a cut-scene kicks in as she awakens to mysterious voices in her head. While some other kindly monk (Udo Kier) watches Rayne search the compound, Rayne makes her way down to the catacombs beneath the monastery. Once there, she finds an angry, half-melted monk armed with a hammer; Rayne, through a convoluted series of events – and bad fight choreography, which makes the fight scenes in this film almost laughable, squishes the melti-monk's head with a nearby spiky mace. I guess that particular weapon was +3 vs. deformed clergy.

Using a relic she found on the ugly monk, Rayne unlocks a secret passage in the catacombs. Unfortunately, on the other side, there isn't a little guy dressed in red talking about how the dodongo dislikes smoke. Instead, as per video-game/quest-movie conventions, there's a room with deadly spinning blades! Rayne, deftly, as her quest surely wouldn't end tragically here, avoids the spinning blades and then she steals a box from an altar at the other end of the room. Luckily for her, that disarms the spinning blades; unluckily for her, the room then seals up and starts filling with water. Somehow, through a convoluted series of events, Rayne grabs one of her swords – which, conveniently, the spinning blades implanted in the ceiling – and then, preposterously, she absorbs the magical eye into her own body! Whoa . . . heavy. Perhaps due to this odd occurrence, the kindly monks rescue Rayne and the creepy, kindly monk from earlier provides exposition about the origin of the eye and other related relics for which Ben Kingsley is searching. Thanks for the exposition, creepy monk.

Meanwhile, as if on cue, Ben Kingsley's troops – led by the henchman – invade the monastery and they fight the kindly monks in a gory orgy of bad fight choreography. Judging by the copious amounts of stage blood on display, I'd guess that Uwe Boll knew the fight choreography was terrible so he covered it up with gore. It's just a hunch. While Rayne slaughters a few bad guys, Michael Madsen and his associate show up for some fun as Michelle Rodriguez shoots people and Rayne rescues the dude. Somehow, in the midst of all this chaos, the henchman ends up capturing Rayne. In the aftermath, Michael Madsen and his group give up and regroup. Well, that certainly is a change from the stereotypical "let's chase after him and rescue her" cliché.

While Ben Kingsley snacks on some teenage girl – he like's ‘em barely legal, I guess – the henchman delivers Rayne . . . somewhere. As all of this is going on, Michael Madsen and the dude plan a raid on wherever the henchman has brought Rayne and the answer is revealed when, for no reason at all, vampire Meat Loaf shows up with a horde of topless chicks. The henchman asks vampire Meat Loaf for sanctuary; vampire Meat Loaf, however, is too distracted by Rayne to give the henchman an answer. The henchman, tasked with keeping Rayne safe now that she has the magical eye, refuses to let Meat Loaf have a piece of her – which is an odd change of pace, as usually folks want a piece of Meat Loaf – so Meat Loaf attempts to bribe the henchman with a nude HOT CHICK.

Elsewhere, presumably in the same building, vampires have an orgy while Michael Madsen and the dude wander around the scene. Meanwhile, Meat Loaf spies the magical eye in Rayne's skull so he desires to procure it. Interesting; now, instead of a figurative piece of Rayne, Meat Loaf wants a literal piece of her. Rayne, not willing to give up a piece of herself so easily, bites off Meat Loaf's ear and then Michael Madsen shoots him. While some random vampire beats up the dude, Michael Madsen fends off Meat Loaf and then he shoots out some windows, sending Meat Loaf to an ashy demise. There's nothing worse than overcooked Meat Loaf.

After Michael Madsen and the dude rescue Rayne, they bond a bit and then the dude confesses that he doesn't like Rayne very much for reasons unrevealed. Meanwhile, the henchman – who has a knack for staying alive – reports back to Ben Kingsley, who is not happy about the situation. Somewhere, Rayne, now imprisoned by Michael Madsen and his compatriots, asks to be unlocked and fed; unfortunately, the dude still doesn't like her, so he doesn't relent. Perhaps to sway the dude's favor, Rayne provides exposition . . . in the form of a flashback. Apparently, Rayne witnessed Ben Kingsley murder her mother; of course, this was all readily obvious far earlier in the film. Oddly, Rayne's recollection wins over Michael Madsen, who lets Rayne out of her cell. Michelle Rodriguez, just because she's plucky and Latina, isn't happy about the situation.

Later, Rayne begins training with Michael Madsen and the dude while Michelle Rodriguez watches from the wings, skeptically. In the midst of her training, Rayne breaks one of her swords and gets depressed since, far earlier in the movie, the friendly chick at the carnival – who Rayne thanked by biting her and damning her to an unglorious death – gave them to her. The dude, perhaps to lift Rayne's spirits, brings her some new clothes and then, just to counter Rayne's earlier remembrances, he tells her of his history: supposedly, Michael Madsen killed the dude's vampire parents, or something like that.

That night, Rayne has another nightmare so, in order to forget the horrible thoughts, she walks out of her cell and she tries to make out with the dude. Of course, since the tradition has been established in every hard-boiled erotic thriller ever made, Rayne and the dude get it on against the cell door. I can't say how many times I've seen this cliché in action, honestly; if I had a dollar for every film of this ilk that featured the lead character having a bad dream and then getting it on with the "love interest". . . I'd have a lot of dollars. Sadly, the only thing missing was a saxophone playing in the background.

Perhaps still in the afterglow of her little tryst, Rayne joins everyone at dinner where she playfully bonds with the rest of the society and fools around with some kids who happen to reside at the castle. Ah . . . so all Rayne needed was a little nookie to loosen up; that really doesn't reflect well on women, I must say. After dinner, Michelle Rodriguez writes a letter to her father . . . Billy Zane. According to the letter, the society is falling apart and they're the only ones that can fix it. Yup . . . it's time: bitches be crazy. While Ben Kingsley sends out troops to destroy the society, Rayne spars with the dude and then she challenges Michelle Rodriguez. While the dude takes his leave, Rayne and Michelle Rodriguez duel and they trade witty barbs and exposition all the while. Ooh . . . catfight!

Over at Billy Zane's castle, the henchman shows up with a severed head and Michelle Rodriguez's letter. Billy Zane, since he's Billy Zane and, from that fact, much cooler than anyone else in the movie, tries to win over the henchman's allegiance with bribes and the ilk. The henchman, unfortunately, isn't having any of it, so Billy Zane just stands there, flummoxed. I would be too if I were in an Uwe Boll movie, honestly. Back at the society headquarters, Michael Madsen and Michelle Rodriguez have a little chat, once again about Rayne. Geez . . . does she do anything else in this movie other than look tough and complain?

Later, Michael Madsen, the dude, and Rayne go into town and, once there, they visit a butcher (‘80s heartthrob Michael Paré) with a secret passage under his shop. Dum-dum-DUM! Conveniently, as three of the four main protagonists are away from the headquarters, the henchman and Ben Kingsley's troops move in to sack the society's base of operations. After Michael Madsen buys some new weapons from the butcher and some new swords for Rayne, he and his cohorts discover that the society headquarters has been overrun and Rayne, alone, learns that Michelle Rodriguez has turned evil while Michael Madsen swears REVENGE!

Instead of exacting his REVENGE immediately, Michael Madsen and his companions make camp; I guess REVENGE can wait until after Michael Madsen gets some rest. Either that, or their hit points were dangerously low. Rayne, apparently suffering from chronic insomnia, wakes up in the middle of the night yet again. The dude, since now he's got a crush on Rayne because they got it on – even though I'm sure she has no emotional connection to him, doesn't want her to leave but she insists so they just end up trading necklaces. In some cultures that means they're married!

Rayne, instead of heading off to meet with Ben Kingsley and finish her quest, she instead goes to the now wrecked society headquarters where she solemnly surveys the damage and carnage. While the henchman leaves without finding Rayne, Rayne searches the headquarters and she finds Michelle Rodriguez searching for another vampire relic in the bowels of the castle. After Michelle Rodriguez yells at one of her companions, she goes swimming in a giant pond for the relic; Rayne, avoiding the gaze of the guards, dives in after Michelle Rodriguez and they fight underwater. Perhaps to increase the sexual implications of this scene, Michelle Rodriguez penetrates Rayne with a knife and, after a momentary pursuit, Rayne catches up with Michelle Rodriguez, kills her, and bites her to regain some hit points . . . I mean "heal herself."

Rayne, now with the magical eye and the other relic in hand, rides off to meet with Ben Kingsley and finally exact her REVENGE! Michael Madsen and the dude, well aware of what's going on, wait outside Ben Kingsley's for Rayne to show up. Shockingly, Rayne, instead of busting into Ben Kingsley's headquarters and massacring all in sight, simply gives the relic to the henchman, who responds by locking up Rayne yet again. While Ben Kingsley starts some mysterious ritual in the main room of his castle, Michael Madsen and the dude break into the castle and, just as quickly, get themselves captured. Well . . . that didn't work very well.

Down in the dungeon, Rayne provides a bit of exposition for her compatriots and then Ben Kingsley calls for her to join him at the ceremony. Michael Madsen and the dude, now without Rayne to worry about, have a JAILBREAK – AC/DC, once again proud – and they interrupt the ceremony upstairs. Ben Kingsley, undaunted by the distraction, opens the relic box that Rayne brought him . . . and it's empty! Wait a second; he never checked the box to begin with? For an evil villain and the most powerful vampire on Earth, he really is overly trusting of his enemies . . . and a moron. Ben Kingsley, probably to vent his rage over being hoodwinked, kills Michael Madsen; meanwhile, the dude kills the henchman but he's stabbed for his troubles.

With everyone dead or dying around them, Rayne finally fights Ben Kingsley and, all the while, they trade venomous barbs . . . figuratively. Vampires are capable of a lot, but I don't think they can produce venomous barbs. After a bit of oddly choreographed and shot fighting, Rayne kills Ben Kingsley . . . with a bit of the dude's help. Unfortunately, that's the last thing he does, as he then dies tragically in Rayne's arms; sadly, she doesn't say "you're not going to die on me" beforehand. That would've raised the cliché score considerably. Rayne, in the aftermath, sits dramatically in her father's throne and then she has a gory, pointless flashback to scenes earlier in the film, some of which she didn't even take part in. Somehow, later, the dude apparently recovers from death . . . except it's just another flashback. Yup, he's still dead. Francisco Franco would be proud. Rayne, as an aimless denouement, rides off to seek adventure in sequels that will probably be made whether I like it or not.

Let it be said, fairly, that BloodRayne is certainly better than House of the Dead or Alone in the Dark. Unfortunately, that isn't saying much and that doesn't mean that BloodRayne is actually good. BloodRayne is, honestly, laughably ill-made, meandering from cliché to cliché with tons of gore to distract from this fact (and the woeful fight choreography). In addition, most of the actors don't even bother to act – which is why I didn't even bother listing them by character name; only Michelle Rodriguez adopts a vaguely Eastern European accent, but she's still a sassy Latina in personality. Luckily, unlike House of the Dead and, especially, Alone in the Dark, BloodRayne isn't physically painful to watch but it certainly is one of the Worst Films of 2006 and, definitely, a Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as a redneck hero gets a job as a civil servant, much to the delight of . . . no one. See you then!