Misunderstood Masterpieces: Basic Instinct 2

Posted by Will Helm on 12.26.2006

…or, The Best of the Worst . . . or the Worst of the Best . . . or the Worst of the Worst . . . or Something Like That

Fourteen years ago, Sharon Stone's vagina was loosed upon an unsuspecting America. Ever since that time, Ms. Stone has been trying to get back to the level of stardom that her nether-regions garnered her all those years ago . . . sometimes with terrible results. Stepping away from her career of going to award shows and lecturing teenagers about safe sex in the middle of a store, Ms. Stone took one last ditch attempt to regain her status in Hollywood by returning to the one character that brought her there in the first place: Basic Instinct's Catherine Tramell.

Surprisingly, this return to the role that made her famous wasn't such a last-ditch development, if legend is to be believed. Supposedly the film was to be made long ago and found itself in mired in production woes for years and years. Of course, the end product doesn't necessarily reflect the fact that production took that long. For all intents and purposes, Basic Instinct 2 lacks the suspense – however convoluted as it was – of the first film and, instead, replaces it with . . . unintentional humor. Yes, Basic Instinct 2, for all its hype and production difficulties, ends up a comedy after all is said and done. As per usual, whenever this happens, whenever a film fails so badly in its intentions that it ends up an entirely different genre, it isn't simply the Worst Film of 2006, it's also a Misunderstood Masterpiece!

In a very Freudian tunnel – continuing the psychological conceits of the first film, a car drives very fast with a British passenger who seems mostly dead (ex-footballer Stan Collymore). In the driver's seat, Catherine Tramell (Stone) handles the wheel while spouting off bad one-liners to her mostly dead companion. Along the way to – hopefully – a hospital, Catherine lets her passenger work her manual transmission, so to speak, much to her personal delight. Somehow, the guy in the passenger seat must put Catherine into the wrong gear as the drive ends in the Thames – I guess I forgot to mention that Catherine and her buddy were hurtling around London . . . on, seemingly, the wrong side of the road. Catherine gets out of the flooding car calmly but she leaves the once-lucky fellow in there to perish in the icy depths. I suppose that's taking the "love-‘em-and-leave-‘em" mentality to the extreme.

Sometime after the incident, a cop interviews Catherine and, as it turns out, her passenger wasn't just a famous footballer in real life but also in the world of the film. Ooh . . . are they breaking the fourth wall? Since the random cop isn't doing such a good job of interrogating Catherine, Detective Remus Lupin (David Thewlis) shows up to work his magic with her. Lupin, master investigator that he is, reveals that he has incriminating toxicological evidence (which is pretty much all he's good for in the film); meanwhile, Catherine confesses that she has sexual evidence and then, using the distraction of the thought of her vagina and the footballer's diddling, she attempts to talk her way out of the situation.

Unfortunately for Catherine, her ruse isn't successful – Lupin is a werewolf, so he only likes it doggy-style, after all – so the police force her to meet with a psychologist named Michael Glass (David Morrissey). Much to her solicitor's chagrin – or is it her barrister? – Catherine goes it alone with Dr. Glass and, once the door to the office closes, Catherine immediately begins patronizing the good doctor. Poor guy. Then, just to turn the tables – since she's apparently a control freak – she tries to question Dr. Glass but he counters by questioning her in return. Ah . . . it's like a double negative. But it's not, sadly, proof positive. Since her line of questioning is unsuccessful in taking Dr. Glass off his game, Catherine then resorts to hitting on the doctor to distract him; surprisingly, that doesn't work either. Finally, Catherine, seeing all her usual tricks neutralized, lights up a cigarette – against the doctor's wishes – and then compliments Dr. Glass on his stubbornness. Or something like that.

At the inquest of the footballer's death, Dr. Glass testifies against Catherine and he states, in his professional opinion, that she's addicted to risk and, therefore, a danger to herself and others. Good . . . in that case she'll be locked up and the movie will be over and all my suffering will be ended. Yay! Unfortunately, my presumption seems to be – indeed – presumptuous as, after the trial, some emo guy (Hugh Dancy) meets with Dr. Glass outside the courthouse. Apparently, the emo guy isn't just a journalist but he's also boning Dr. Glass's ex-wife as well. In addition, the emo journalist, just to endear himself to Dr. Glass, brings up some bad memories for the psychologist.

Perhaps enraged from the emo guy's interference and rudeness, Dr. Glass visits some HOT CHICK who just happens to also be his ex-wife (Indira Varma). To highlight his own foibles, the Dr. Glass reveals that he's paranoid due to the emo journalist's little revelation because he doesn't want his career derailed because of it . . . even though, as it seems, the doctor did the right thing all along. For no reason in particular, the doctor's ex-wife turns a cold shoulder toward him – mainly because she probably thinks that he's just jealous that the emo journalist is banging her now – and then he tells her that he knew for a long time that she cheated on him. So that makes him the bad guy in this conversation? Again, as always . . . bitches be crazy.

In the aftermath of the inquest and the meeting with his ex-wife, Dr. Glass consoles himself by planning a case study about Catherine. Unfortunately for him, he can't investigate her from afar as Lupin call and states, through a convoluted series of events, that the judge released Catherine from custody for no particular reason other than to further the plot. That evening, Dr. Glass, probably perturbed by this discovery, goes to a lecture about Freud and Nietzsche – ah, there's nothing like forcing that psychological conceit into the film – and then some apparently famous Austrian guy (Heathcote Williams) yammers to Dr. Glass about something or other. I'm sure it's something very important, like a recipe for wiener schnitzel.

After the lecture or sometime later, Dr. Glass edits his case study about Catherine in a local coffeehouse while flirting with the HOT CHICK waitress on duty. I'll give him credit; he's a multi-tasker. She, inquisitively, wants to know what he's writing about; he tells her that if he told her he'd have to kill her. I have a feeling he means that in the Shakespearean sense. Unfortunately for Dr. Glass, before he has a chance to hook up with the HOT CHICK waitress, an associate of the emo journalist – who looks like a hobbit – shows up to annoy him. Dude! Can't you tell the doctor's trying to get some tail?

Back at Dr. Glass' office, Catherine is waiting for him because she wants to chat. Apparently, Catherine is very curious about Dr. Glass' theories regarding her addiction to risk and she plies his curiosity by confessing her deepest fantasies to him out of the blue. If he had been paying attention, as well, he could've discovered that these fantasies are already in a book of hers . . . including the murder of the footballer! Dum-dum-DUM! Catherine, just to keep the plot going, asks Dr. Glass if he would like to treat her for her obvious mental illness – anyone will to be in two Basic Insticts definitely needs psychological help – but Dr. Glass refuses very professionally. Catherine, not willing to take "no" for an answer, tries to win his favor but she doesn't – for the moment – succeed.

Time goes by and, apparently, Catherine convinced Dr. Glass to take her on as a patient during that spell as the film cuts to a session between the two. Dr. Glass, like any stereotypical psychologist, asks Catherine about her sexual fantasies; for some reason, she seems to believe that all her sexual fantasies she lives out in her books, rather than the other way around. Perhaps bored with the line of questioning, Catherine then turns the tables on Dr. Glass by bringing up his dirty little secret – the same that the emo journalist knew, about a murderous ex-patient of Dr. Glass' who ended up killing his girlfriend – and she reveals that, indeed, the emo journalist told her this little bit of news, much to Dr. Glass' chagrin. Dr. Glass, ever the professional, explains patient confidentiality to Catherine and how that prevented him from stopping the murder, which is a perfectly acceptable and legal reason. Which means the dirty little secret isn't very dirty . . . even though it broke up Dr. Glass' marriage (although his ex-wife cheating on him with the emo journalist probably had a lot to do with that too).

Dr. Glass, doing a little extracurricular investigating, reads Catherine's new book, which is essentially a badly scribed romance novel. He then has another session with Catherine, who describes, in detail, the plot of the first movie. Ah, it's good to see she saw it too. Or "suffered through it," I should say. Apparently, Michael Douglas – or his character, at least – was the inspiration for the main character of the new book but, before any more messing with reality and fiction, Catherine describes a particularly visceral sex session the night before . . . and then she leaves early. I wonder if that gets her a discount on the billable hours?

Later, Dr. Glass chats with a colleague of his (Charlotte Rampling) and he states, unequivocally, that he as Catherine figured out. The colleague, as well, is onto Catherine's games . . . and, unfortunately, the emo journalist called her about Dr. Glass' not-so-dirty little secret. Dr. Glass, unsurprisingly, gets paranoid once more even though, apparently, he did the proper, legal thing all along. I don't get why this is all such a big deal. After his little meeting and perhaps to take his mind off the not-so-dirty little secret, Dr. Glass goes to a party and, once there, he runs into Catherine – who is there as arm candy for the Austrian guy – and they chat a little.

Dr. Glass, once again ever the professional, immediately plans on leaving the party – as patients and doctors shouldn't, rightly, fraternize – but Catherine attempts to get him to stay for a little longer. Dr. Glass, amazingly unlike most male characters in these films, spurns Catherine's advances and then, just to prove his heterosexuality to the viewer, he takes a HOT CHICK colleague of his (Flora Montgomery) home with him. Shockingly, Dr. Glass and his colleague end up getting it on but, to add a creepy element to the festivities, Dr. Glass stares at the picture of Catherine on the back of her book while putting the screws to his colleague. Before he can finish the deed, however, the phone – and his ex-wife – rudely interrupts the coitus. I bet she's jealous that Dr. Glass is actually getting some again; the nerve of her!

Apparently, this isn't totally the case as Dr. Glass rushes to his ex-wife's side and, as well, he finds the emo journalist dead in his bed. The emo journalist's bed, not Dr. Glass'. The emo journalist, judging by the scene, got caught up in a bad bout of sexual asphyxiation – Michael Hutchense would be proud – and, illogically, the ex-wife called Dr. Glass rather than the police. I bet she's upset because her number-one guy is gone and now she'll have to settle for the good doctor. On the scene, Dr. Glass finds a Big Ben lighter – which was shown to belong to Catherine earlier in the film in a camera shot that made absolutely no artistic sense at the time . . . way to ham-hand it, filmmakers – and he throws it in the trash! OK . . . now he's evil because he's tampering with evidence . . . but his dirty little secret still isn't that dirty. Lupin, on the case, questions Dr. Glass about his ex-wife's little affair – apparently everyone in the film knows all about everything going on except for Dr. Glass . . . what a patsy – and Lupin hints that he suspects Dr. Glass . . . or Catherine . . . or the ex-wife . . . or everyone else in London.

Catherine, sometime later, has another session with Dr. Glass during which she reveals that she knew the emo journalist AND the doctor's ex-wife. Ooh . . . threesome action, I bet. Well, Catherine does confess that she was with the emo journalist but, before she can state anything further, she gets confusing and bitter about the situation. Probably because the emo journalist is dead and now she needs YET ANOTHER lover. Catherine, either because she's a nicotine addict or because she just wants to annoy the doctor, lights up another cigarette – with her Gherkin lighter – inciting Dr. Glass to scold her for it. Catherine, perhaps to win back Dr. Glass' favor, sits spread-legged on a chair – unfortunately not with the phallic lighter between her legs – and she talks about having sex with, unsurprisingly, Dr. Glass. I guess that's just her way of telling him she likes him. How sweet.

Back in the aforementioned coffeehouse, Dr. Glass broods, so the HOT CHICK waitress comforts him by boning him in the establishment's phone booth. Sadly, he doesn't check for spare change in the phone at the same time. Later that evening, Lupin meets with the doctor and, judging by the detective's overcoat, he's happy to see Dr. Glass. To keep his role as the film's resident expositor going, Lupin tells the doctor some shocking news regarding the emo journalist and Catherine . . . which the doctor already knew. Of course, Lupin then takes control of the situation by stating that he – as well – knows all about the Dr. Glass' not-so-dirty little secret. OK . . . at this point this plot point is just annoying. It better lead to a big – and logical – twist at the end. Dr. Glass, to regain dominance in the conversation, tells Lupin about the sex with his HOT CHICK colleague – but not the HOT CHICK waitress – much to Lupin's amusement. Perv.

Later, Dr. Glass and his colleague – not the HOT CHICK, the other one – visit the Austrian guy . . . and Catherine is there again for no real reason other than to mess with Dr. Glass. Catherine and the colleague leave Dr. Glass alone with the Austrian for some sort of job interview during which, unsurprisingly, the Austrian guy mentions that he knows all about Dr. Glass' not-so-dirty (and annoying) little secret! Why is this such a big deal? Dr. Glass had no proof the murder was going to take place and, therefore, he had an obligation to respect his client's confidentiality . . . which ended up, however illogically, ruining his career, life, and marriage. What a hackneyed and ill-conceived plot device!

After the job interview, Dr. Glass wanders around London at night, dejected. Apparently, as well, Catherine is there, following him . . . or he's following her. Maybe he wants REVENGE for her messing with him so much. I can't say I blame him; bitches be crazy. In the seedy part of London – or one of the seedy parts of London – Catherine meets with a drug dealer and he kidnaps her for no reason whatsoever. Dr. Glass, ever the hero, busts into the crackhouse intending to rescue Catherine from the drug dealer's evil clutches but, instead of finding Catherine in bondage, he simply discovers an angry Thai hooker and, on the roof for no reason, an orgy on the floor below. Much to Dr. Glass' surprise as he peers through the skylight, he finds Catherine there – under the drug dealer, no less – watching him watching her. Hmm . . . where have I seen that before?

Sometime later, Dr. Glass meets with his colleague – the HOT CHICK is long gone by now – and she tells him that she thinks, as a woman, that he's in love with Catherine. She then provides some sage ethical advice for Dr. Glass and she also requests that he transfer Catherine's care over to her. Surprisingly, she doesn't mention Dr. Glass' not-so-dirty little secret for once. Once more, Dr. Glass mopes on the street until Lupin interrupts the pity party by telling Dr. Glass that the emo journalist's files are missing! Dum-dum-DUM! Meanwhile, Lupin also has incriminating evidence – provided by Dr. Glass' ex-wife – about the not-so-dirty little secret which may elevate it to the status of, indeed, a dirty little secret.

Dr. Glass, enraged by his ex-wife's actions, finds her in a club and extracts a confession that she exaggerated the indeed not-so-dirty little secret to Lupin . . . and Dr. Glass is just being paranoid. Well, if people would stop bringing up a decade-old non-issue, maybe he'd stop worrying about it. He's the victim here so far. Well, and the footballer . . . but not so much the emo journalist. The ex-wife then reveals that she's friends with Catherine – probably more than friends, I reckon – and she's going insane so, after a bit of a tussle with Dr. Glass, she retreats to a much louder club elsewhere in the neighborhood. Dr. Glass follows and, once there, he goes into the women's bathroom and finds his ex-wife bloody and nearly dead . . . and then, after telling some women to call an ambulance, totally dead.

Later that night, at the police station, Lupin questions Dr. Glass and tells the good doctor that he's not happy with him. Apparently, Dr. Glass isn't guilty of murder, however, as the ex-wife recovered from death; Montgomery Burns would be proud. Of course, Lupin, cagey investigator that he is, intimates that he knows things . . . or not, just to unhinge Dr. Glass further. Why is everyone picking on Dr. Glass? What has he done wrong? Before Lupin can intimidate Dr. Glass into confessing the Whitechapel murders, Catherine shows up to interrupt the proceedings and tell Lupin that she and the ex-wife were getting it on. See! I knew it! After this totally expected revelation, Lupin – even though he believes Catherine to be a compulsive liar – tells Dr. Glass anyway, leading Dr. Glass, frustrated with everything, to get up and walk out.

After his questioning at the police station, Dr. Glass hurries over to Catherine's giant apartment, where she floats over to him. Whoa . . . now she's a vampire too? This is just getting confusing. Wait . . . it's been there for a while now. Catherine, to mess with Dr. Glass' mind, tells him that she lied to Lupin so he wants to know why she really was with the ex-wife because Lupin suspects Catherine of the multitude of crimes so far in the film. Perhaps she even murdered the crazy patient's girlfriend ten years ago too. Catherine, instead of coming clean about everything going on in the film, elects to come instead as she messes with the psychologist and they get it on . . . during which she loops a belt around his neck. I guess he wants to be emo too; he certainly does brood enough for it.

The next morning, Dr. Glass finds a mysterious vial of serum in Catherine's fridge and he absconds with it. Dr. Glass immediately hastens to the nearest pub, where he finds Lupin imbibing with his fellow gendarme. Dr. Glass gives Lupin the suspect vial but, after the meeting, Catherine's solicitor finds Dr. Glass outside the pub and he drops hints regarding Lupin's ethics and their connection the emo journalist. Dum-dum-DUM! Dr. Glass, keeping the film moving along, reads some of the emo journalist's earlier exposés, in particular an article about Lupin being the "dirtiest cop in London"!

Somehow, Dr. Glass, new revelations in hand, tracks down the emo journalist's hobbit assistant and he questions the halfling about the emo journalist's latest investigation. Apparently, the emo journalist's quarry wasn't Dr. Glass at all but, once again, Lupin! Huh? Later, Catherine, probably unhappy with the fact that Dr. Glass didn't call her after their little tryst, confronts Dr. Glass regarding the missing vial, which she states is full of insulin. Moments after Catherine takes her leave, Lupin finds Dr. Glass and tells him, instead, that the vial was filled with the same neurotoxin found in the footballer's system earlier in the film . . . and he also has something to show Dr. Glass as well. Dr. Glass and Lupin then return to the seedy part of London, where cops question the Thai hookers and the drug dealer is dead with a belt around his neck. Lupin, perhaps confirming his place as the "dirtiest cop in London," wants Dr. Glass to lie about Catherine's culpability on the stand . . . which doesn't necessarily make Lupin a bad guy; he's just a little unethical to get the job done. Nintey-nine percent of film cops would be proud.

Dr. Glass, mulling over Lupin's little offer, calls San Francisco on Lupin's urging to confirm the plot of the first film with those who lived it firsthand. Meanwhile, Catherine, in front of her fancy Apple computer – yes, she has to be a murderer; she's a member of the Cult of Mac – turns the plot of the current film into her new novel. Whoa . . . how post-modern! Before she can put the finishing touches on the story, however, Dr. Glass comes for a visit. After a bit of not-so-witty repartee, Catherine leads Dr. Glass to her hot tub and, once there, she confesses to all the murders – even ones back in San Francisco – which she committed, admittedly, out of boredom. Apparently, as well, her latest crimes were in protection of Dr. Glass; after this bizarre statement, Catherine then strips and guilt trips the psychologist for not being grateful for her murderous favors. Dr. Glass, unsurprisingly, finally goes off the deep end and he tries to drown Catherine, which she finds funny.

In the aftermath of Dr. Glass' failed – and, at this point, totally justifiable – murder of Catherine, Dr. Glass vents his frustrations by trashing his apartment and then reading Catherine's latest manuscript, which she gave him before he tried to kill her. According to the manuscript, Catherine's next victim – at least in fiction – is Dr. Glass' colleague! Dr. Glass, ever the hero . . . even though he's usually too late to do anything, calls the colleague but she's too busy listening to her iPod to answer the phone. Hmm . . . obviously this film was sponsored by Apple. Dr. Glass, at wit's end, then calls Lupin for aid in thwarting Catherine's latest crime.

At the colleague's house, Dr. Glass finds her . . . remarkably alive. For some reason, even though he came over to rescue her, she's not happy with him, probably because Catherine is there waiting for him as well. After the colleague tells Dr. Glass about how his indiscretions with Catherine – which occurred after he stopped treating her – will lead to revocation of his license, Dr. Glass freaks out and, intending to kill Catherine for good – since it doesn't seem to be a very permanent condition in this film, he accidentally kills his colleague instead. Whoops. Didn't see that one coming. Then again, she didn't see the corner of the table coming either.

While Dr. Glass attempts to take stock of the dire situation he's been presented with, Catherine pulls a gun on him and then she says that Lupin killed the crazy patient's girlfriend and everyone else in the film as well. What? That makes absolutely no sense! Is this the aforementioned twist, the swerve that would put everything in the film in perspective? Well, that swerve just drove right into a brick wall. But not the Thames. That was the famous footballer. Catherine then muddles the entire scene by using a bizarre and pointless Oedipus analogy . . . which means she's now Dr. Glass' mother?!? What? Then, when Lupin shows up, Dr. Glass shoots him instead of Catherine and then the colleague recovers from death while Dr. Glass is arrested for killing Lupin. What's going on? I'm so confused. Finally, Dr. Glass broods in a lovely asylum somewhere and Catherine visits him with her new book . . . based on him. How sweet. She gives him a little book report and reveals that, somehow, he's the murderer . . . or is he? Or is she? Or is no one really dead because everyone seems to recover from it? Damn you, movie . . . damn you.

When I said earlier that Basic Instinct 2 was a comedy, it is indeed laughably bad. Unfortunately, it's also more bad than laughable. Nothing . . . absolutely nothing in this film makes any sense. Catherine is the same murderous yet inculpable character she was in the first film. The good Dr. Glass isn't guilty of anything and he's set up as a patsy for no good reason. Somehow, Lupin's a crooked cop who's behind the murder of Dr. Glass' patient's girlfriend. Sadly, none of this is set up until the big reveals in the film and Dr. Glass ends up being the one unfairly paying for it. At least he didn't get put in jail . . . even though watching Basic Instinct 2 feels like a prison sentence. Justifiably – unlike anything in the film – I can safely say that Basic Instinct 2 isn't just a Misunderstood Masterpiece, it's also the Worst Film of 2006!

Join me in two weeks when I recover from the horror that was the past month with a trifecta of Andy Sidaris films. Yes, it's time for mindless action and T & A . . . and about time too. See you then!