The 411 Top 5: Week 44
Posted by Trevor Snyder on 01.19.2007
The Top 5 Celebrities Who Should Sit Out 2007
Wow, what a difference a week makes. Last week, in this very column, I included Rob Zombie's upcoming remake of Halloween as one of my most anticipated movies of the new year, but after early script reviews popped up online this week, revealing that Zombie's "re-imagining" focuses on Michael Myers' childhood and explaining that he's evil because he was abused and neglected (wow – how original), well, let's just say my enthusiasm has been somewhat tempered. I'm still giving the film the slightest benefit of the doubt – I vowed to never again outright condemn a remake until seeing it after I actually ended up enjoying the Dawn of the Dead and Texas Chainsaw Massacre re-do's, two films I was completely against – but I'm no longer completely sure I would include the film on a list of what I want to see most in 2007.
And speaking of things I don't want to see in 2007 (so segue's aren't my strong suit…sue me), that brings me to the topic at hand this week - The Top 5 Celebrities Who Should Sit 2007 Out. Now, some of you may look at this and say "geez, these guys are just bitching about famous people again? It doesn't seem all that different from when they did The Top 5 Most Annoying Celebrities" Well, you wouldn't be completely wrong, but there is a difference. These are the celebrities we found to be particularly annoying in 2006, the ones who you just couldn't seem to get away from, and who, by the end of the year, you were so sick of seeing their face that you just wish they would take this year off and wait till 2008 before they even think about bugging us with their antics again. Will any of these celebrities actually listen to our advice, and sit out the remainder of the year? Of course not, but we can dream. And what glorious dreams they will be, of a world without:
THE TOP 5 CELEBRITIES WHO SHOULD SIT OUT 2007
Trevor Snyder
Honorable Mentions
- Paris Hilton/Lindsay Lohan/Britney Spears: Well, duh, right? These three could easily take up all but two of the spots in my Top 5, but they're all SO obvious that I decided it wasn't even really worth including them anywhere but here. Besides, I don't have much more to add about them beyond what my fellow writers will later in the column – suffice to say that when I saw the picture in the press of the three of them in a car together, I remember thinking "wow, the world might just better off if that car was to go flying off a cliff." Now, while I do hate a lot of annoying celebrities, it's very rare that I wish actual physical harm to anyone, so if I, even for a moment, was taking a moment for a pleasant fantasy about these three pulling a Thelma & Louise, that's saying something.
- Kevin Federline: What do I even really have to explain about this one? Let me just say that Kevin Federline is the worst kind of has-been loser celebrity – the kind that knows that everyone thinks he's a joke, and so thinks he'll be able to get in everyone's good graces by playfully mocking his loser status. Well, no, Kevin, that's not the case. I don't want to see you play a shitty white rapper that everyone hates in any TV shows, commercials, or pro wresting events. I just don't want to see you at all. Can you make that happen for me, please?
- Dustin Diamond: It was somewhat amusing, in a sad way, when Diamond tried to raise the money to save his house from demolishment by hawking "I Saved Screech's House" t-shirts online. But releasing a sex tape? A SEX TAPE? Dude, you're Screech. You always will be Screech. When you die, your obituary will read "Screech is dead." I know that sucks, but don't take it out on us by trying to get us to watch what must be the most unappealing celebrity sex tape ever (and that's saying something, since 1 Night in China is still floating around out there).
5. Jack Black: This one almost pains me to say, because I really, really like Jack Black. But 2006 was not his greatest year. Sure, Nacho Libre was a hit, and was mildly entertaining, but it was nowhere near as good as a movie about Jack Black as a Mexican luchadore should have been, you know? Then, he delivered the long-awaited Tenacious D movie and sophomore album. The only problem? The album was nothing more than a hastily thrown together collection of the songs from the movie, not a real album like fans had been waiting for. As for the movie itself, it proved to be a few years too late, apparently – and it didn't help that it was simply an average rehashing of much better material already done on their much better HBO series from a few years back. Not surprisingly, the movie tanked. Big time. By the time his romantic comedy with Kate Winslet and Cameron Diaz rolled around, it was looking like Black was getting by simply by coasting on how funny he was in 2004 and 2005. If Black wants to get back in everyone's good graces, he and Kyle Gass should lock themselves in a recording studio for the next year and record a REAL follow-up album, and then Black should try to find another role like School of Rock, a heartwarming but funny comedy that plays to all his strengths.
4. Jessica Simpson: Something tells me that Jessica Simpson spends a lot of her time nowadays thinking back to when her sister Ashlee was busted lip-synching on Saturday Night Live, fondly recalling when it was Ashlee, not her, that was the family's biggest embarrassment. But, let's face it, those days are long gone. It's been quite some time since Ashlee has done anything to make an ass out of herself, actually, while Jessica spent pretty much all of 2006 doing just that. I bet when Jessica and Nick finally decided to call it quits, Jessica was assuming that most of America would side with her and she would be showered with sympathy. When it didn't quite go that way, and Nick's CD ended up outselling Jessica's, she went into full-out panic mode – made only worse by the fact that Nick found a new woman and was out there looking genuinely happy. Soon, Jessica was making up a relationship with John Mayer in a desperate attempt to get some attention…a plan that might have worked, except for one tiny detail: she forgot to clear it with Mayer, who quickly denied it. When sources close to Mayer stated that he was annoyed at Jessica's ruse, her clever ploy was up, and exposed to the public no less. This signaled the beginning of the end for Jessica, as she spent the rest of the year apparently sinking deeper and deeper into some sort of nervous breakdown, culminating in her now infamous botching of "9 to 5" at the Kennedy Center Honors for Dolly Parton, where she managed to continuously flub the lines to the song (even with cue cards!) before finally stopping mid-song and apologizing, and then proceeded to simply freeze-up on stage for awhile before finally running off stage crying. The producers of the show eventually allowed Jessica to return to the stage and re-do her performance – after the audience had left, mind you – but after viewing the tape of her improved re-do, they decided it still wasn't up to snuff and decided not to include it in the television version of the special. Ouch. Clearly, the one person who would benefit even more than us from Jessica Simpson taking 2007 off is Jessica Simpson herself.
3. Gwen Stefani: This one is a tad different than my others, I suppose, since it has more to do with the fact that I simply don't want to hear Stefani at all in 2007. Besides her increasingly ridiculous outfits, I certainly have nothing against seeing more of Stefani this year. But, as far as her music is concerned, she must be stopped. Ever since she broke away from No Doubt and went the solo route, her singles have been subsequently worse and worse. It's as if she's on some kind of personal mission to release the worst song ever or something. And, as if that wasn't bad enough, now she has competition in that category, as apparently Fergie has the very same idea. Stefani certainly takes the challenge very seriously, which is why she has risen up and delivered "Wind it Up," which is not only the worst song I've ever heard, but might just be one of the worst things in human history, ever. I can only shudder to think how bad her next single will be – if your first single off your new album is "Wind it Up," what horrors could you possibly follow it with? I'm sure I'll soon be finding out, but I think I and everyone else would be a lot better off without that knowledge.
2. Dane Cook: Hey, remember that time when Dane Cook told that funny story about flinging a cashew off of the tip of his penis? Or that time he suggested turning off all the lights in the building and having the audience play "who's in my mouth?" Of course you do, because he did those jokes approximately 7000 times in 2006. Every single talk show appearance, award show gig, and episode of Tourgasm, there was Dane Cook cracking the exact same jokes we'd already heard time and time again. And the more and more he told him, the more glaringly obvious it became that beyond his manic energy, there's really not much more to Cook's routine than the same old, standard "have you ever noticed that" or "isn't it funny how" observational humor that has pretty much been done to death over the years (women are more emotional than men? Get outta town – that's hilarious!). Look, I'm not 100% against the guy – his first album was really good, and there were some pretty funny moments in his double-disc follow-up. But to see him suddenly become THE biggest star in stand-up is pretty frustrating, since there are a lot of more talented comedians out there right now? Like who? Well, off the top of my head – Lewis Black, Jim Gaffigan, Louis C.K., Sarah Silverman, David Cross, Zach Galifinakis, Patton Oswalt, Brian Posehn, Todd Barry, Brian Regan, Daniel Tosh…eh, you get the point. And what really bugs me about Cook is how his new "cool and hip" status has suddenly transcended him beyond just a stand-up, even though he's clearly not ready for it. And Hollywood is guilty in this part of it, since they've played right into the "let's jump onto the Cook bandwagon" mentality. Cook includes a bit about Superman t-shirts in his stand-up routine, and suddenly there he is on the red carpet at the Superman Returns premiere. He has jokes about Transformers in his routine, and he is rewarded with a role in Michael Bay's Transformers. Really, that's all it takes? Because if that's the case, I can have a whole routine of Jenna Jameson jokes ready for you within a week. If Cook takes 2007 off, writes a brand-new act, and comes back with some strong material in 2008, maybe his fame will start to look just the tiniest bit more deserved. Maybe. But for God's sake, enough with the SNL hosting!
1. Jennifer Aniston: Everyone has had those friends and loved ones who go through a bad break-up, and then take forever to get over it, not letting anyone forget the "pain" they're going through in the process. Jennifer Aniston is kinda like that friend for all of America. Seriously, what has it been now, two freakin' years since Brad left her, and I'm still supposed to feel bad for her? No thanks. At a certain point you get up, dust yourself off, and move on with your life. And that doesn't mean hooking up with Vince Vaughn, and then expecting me to feel bad for you again when that relationship doesn't work either. Or to sympathize with you when Angelina says she'd like to get to talk to you someday, which for some reason prompted even more "oh, what pain and heartbreak Jennifer must be feeling" talk. GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE! I officially have absolutely no emotional investment in whether or not Jennifer finally finds herself a man – unless of course that man ends up being me, in which case I will gladly remove her from this list. Until then, however, how about you get out there and make a couple movies that actually don't suck, and try to earn the ridiculous amount of press coverage you get.
Bryan Kristopowitz
Honorable Mentions
- Vince McMahon: McMahon is a douchebag on television, which is what his character is on Monday Night Raw. Yes, we all know that and understand that. But his whole shtick hasn't been interesting in a long time, and I'm very bored with him showing up on television every week, stomping his way to ringside like he's got a load of crap in his pants. It would be so much better if he only showed up, in the background, during those "press conferences" they give every now and then. Otherwise, he should just go away.
- Donald Trump: I've never really liked "The Donald" but I've, at best, tolerated him. He's ridiculous and he's on TV. That happens sometimes. But now this whole thing with Rosie and the ever growing "war of words" between the two has made me wish that The Donald just flew around in his corporate helicopter and played golf in Florida all the live long day, off my freaking TV.
- Paris Hilton: Nothing she does is, at all, newsworthy. Unless she rescues some hostages in a bank hold up or finds the cure to cancer, no matter how many times she doesn't wear underwear or gets a DWI or hits a dog with a cinder block, it just isn't news. She can remain, though, in the Enquirer at parties acting drunk and happy and stupid. But, again, what she does isn't news. Even for entertainment news it isn't news.
- Britney Spears: The best thing she could do is go away, hide, record an album, and work out a settlement with K-Fed. Because much like her new bestest buddy Paris, what she does isn't news, regardless of what it is.
Perennial inductees
- Sean Hannity: I used to listen to him on the radio, WABC, in the afternoon, after that drug addict Rush Limbaugh. This was before he went national on the radio. I couldn't stand him then, and I can't stand him now. The hour a weeknight he gets to beat up on poor Alan Colmes ought to be suffering enough for the world but, to show how fair and balanced they are, Fox News gave the alpha movement conservative his own weekend show. That, in and of itself, gives Sean a spot for life on this list of people who should just go away and sit it out. But at least the people above and below have a chance to get off the list.
- Bill O'Reilly: The more he talks the worse it gets. Much like Hannity, O'Reilly gets his spot on this list for life because his radio show is excruciating and his nightly TV show is simply painful. He has nothing to say. Hope he likes the seat next to Sean in celebrity purgatory. Maybe if he stopped "writing" a column for "The New York Post" and stopped saying he's looking out for me. Maybe.
5. Rachel Ray: She's everywhere, and dangerously close to total overexposure. She's overexposed now, but there's a chance that, if she hangs back a bit and limits herself to just a few TV shows and the magazine she won't end up like Emeril by the end of the year. The world doesn't need another burned out cooking show host.
4. Jon Stewart: I actually like Jon Stewart, think he's a funny man. But it's really getting boring seeing him on the front of every magazine and being referenced every time "politics" comes up in conversation. And this whole thing about "a third party" and how people like Stewart are the ones we need to cut through all of the hooha "to get things done" is, at best, wishful thinking. It's a media creation and nothing more. Stewart can keep doing The Daily Show and he can occasionally appear on C-SPAN to talk at some rally. But he needs to keep the appearances to a minimum because when 2008 rolls around he will be everywhere. He needs to be "not annoying" by then. And Stephen Colbert, you're coming close to getting on this list.
3. Dr. Phil McGraw: I blame Oprah for this mess. Anyway, he should stop doling out advice and acting like he cares. He's like Dee West on Maury, but amplified. He should put "common sense" in a box and store it away for a year. Just stay out of that house that got condemned because of whatever the heck it was.
2. Larry the Cable Guy: After his movie died a quick and deservedly so death, and the whole "Blue Collar Comedy Tour" thing has died down and the whole "Git R Done!" thing is going the way of "Where's the beef?", you'd think that Larry would just do the comedy club thing, go out on tour solo and just be happy that he keeps getting royalties from his book sales. But there's talk of him doing a show for Comedy Central, a cartoon or something. Bad idea. We don't need him for, at least, two more years. Unless he wants to reinvent himself.
1. Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt/Jennifer Aniston: They might as well be one person because they're always the lead story, the lead drama, in the scandal sheets. This is such a lame story on all fronts I don't know why the tabloids and the news, the freaking real news, keep talking about it. And now it's only going to get worse that Aniston broke up with Vince Vaughn, the sheets are screaming that Pitt is the reason for the break up, and that Angelina is mad about it all. Wait until we get set pictures of Aniston on Courtney Cox's show Dirt. It will be endless. So, please, can Brad and his flip-flop wearing girlfriend stop hanging out at the UN, scootering around Nam, and giving aid to people all over the world. No one believes you're not superficial. So just give your money and go hang out at the beach.
Chad Webb
Honorable Mention: Sharon Stone
5. Britney Spears and Paris Hilton (musicians/actresses): How can I not pair these two together? It's amazing because I saw "then and now" photos of Britney in the New York Post, and really it will knock you off your feet to see how downhill her whole appearance has gone. I shouldn't have to address Ms. Hilton, but she deserves to be on here just as much since they hang out now. I didn't select Lindsay Lohan because I actually think she can act despite being a pain. Anyway, Britney has literally emptied herself of any likable qualities she once had. After being with Federline, pumping out 2 kids, and making an ass out of herself at the end of 2006, she desperately needs to sit 2007 out…for her own good. I heard she is working on a new album. Who wants to listen to her now? Sure, comebacks have occurred from much worse circumstances, but the public will never forget her most recent actions.
4. Mel Gibson (actor/director): As far as I'm concerned, Mr. Gibson did not have the year he had hoped for in 2006. His reputation was ruined due to his supposed Anti -Semetic comments when he was drunk. Some had thought that the release of his new film, Apocalypto, would cause people to forget about that incident. That epic has come and gone. I saw it on no top 10 lists even though it received favorable reviews. Personally, I thought that movie was one of the biggest disappointments of the year. Whatever your opinion of the film was, it cannot be argued that it was anywhere near superb enough to alter the already tarnished image of this star. For these two reasons alone, Mel Gibson needs to sit 2007 out, and seriously rethink his future in Hollywood. George Miller is planning a Mad Max 4, and even though Mel has said no, it would be the perfect way to gain popularity again. I think so anyhow.
3. Tom Cruise (actor): This name is on my list because his face and name was everywhere, every friggin day for the entire year. I am sick of this man. He is a terrific performer, and Mission Impossible III was a fine action blockbuster, but the world needs a break from TomKat, or more specifically just Tom Cruise himself. Every time I picked up a newspaper, or turned on my computer, there was more news and pics featuring Mr. Cruise, and his wedding plans, or his children, and I can't take it anymore! Off the top of my head, I am not sure if he has any projects being released in 2007, but if not, he needs to take a rest for this year, and come back strong at another time when we have forgiven him for being a looney tune.
2. Uwe Boll (director): As I write this, I am not quite sure why I chose Uwe Boll, but I know for a fact that no one will disagree with him on this particular list. This guy makes Paul W.S. Anderson look like Stanley Kubrick. His films are horrible, and even though BloodRayne was somewhat tolerable; the man needs to stop with the damn video game adaptations. As if his films weren't bad enough, he decides to go and box one of his critics. He did OK in the ring from what I saw, but he still looked like a moron for making the challenge it in the first place. It proved how mature he was, and if he really wanted to make that critic look bad, he should have gone and made a decent movie instead. I think I speak for everyone when I say he doesn't just need to sit 2007 out, he can sit out 2008, 2009, 2010, and so on also. If he's not careful, one of the mighty critics from 411mania will want to step in the ring with him.
1. Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell (reality show host/talk show co-host): I was going to select just one of these celebrities, and then I thought about separating the two of them, but I just couldn't have them on this list unless they were together. I have made my hatred for Rosie extremely clear in my top 10 Pet Peeve list for this year. These two disgust me, to be honest. I am sure many folks read the articles of these two slamming each other back and forth, but probably to laugh at how ridiculous they are week in and week out. I don't see how Rosie can last much longer on The View, and I read recently that Trump's The Apprentice is receiving its lowest ratings yet. Good. These two deserve each other, and nobody needs to hear their voices, or see their faces any more. I realize neither of them will sit 2007 out, but I can dream. More than any two people this year, they must sit 2007 out.
Ben Piper
5. Jamie Foxx: Look, people, don't get me wrong. I get the fact that this man is multi-talented. He can sing, he can play piano, he can act, and when he sets his mind to it, he can be funny as all get out...
But ever since he won the Oscar for his truly great portrayal of Ray Charles, it has obviously gone directly to his head. The guy is so full of himself right now that he can give Kanye West a run for his money. (and DON'T even get me started ranting about THAT asshole!) Jamie needs to step away, get his feet back on the ground, and get back to the humble guy he once was. I know for a fact that he's friends with Will Smith, so maybe he can call the Fresh Prince up and get some lessons about being humble.
4. Dakota Fanning: Yeah, she's adorable. Yeah, she's precocious and talented beyond her young years. But does that mean that we have to endure at least a half dozen flicks with her in them each and every cycle?
I think the reason why I have chosen her for this incarnation of the top five (other than the previous paragraph I just wrote) has to do with the fact that I've heard rumblings of her being in a movie doing a semi-nude scene in which she will be raped onscreen by an older predator. Yeesh. Foul and creepy. Her handlers are thinking Oscar bait. Pedophiles are thinking eye candy. I'm thinking too much exposure and trying too hard.
3. Fergie: I know that this is the movies/TV site of 411, but Trevor made it clear that we could include musicians and people from other media if we saw fit. And believe me, I see fit. When the Black Eyed Peas first hit the big time, I found myself liking them as they had catchy tunes, which is strange considering I'm a traditional metalhead that usually doesn't like that kind of tripe. But I couldn't help it; like I said, they had catchy tunes that made you bob your head to the beat involuntarily. So after their initial success, the chick in the group, Fergie, decides that she wants to embark on a solo career. Good for her, I think. She's hot looking, she can sing, and I can't be angered by the fact that a hot good looking woman who can sing wants to be exposed to the public's eye even more. I'm all for that...
Then I heard the songs... My Humps? Fergielicious?
The woman can't write a decent song to save her sorry ass life. Yeah girl, you can sing, but I think we all now know where the talent pool lies within the group that made you famous, and um, yeah, it ain't you... Go away until your band is ready to regroup... 'Cause on your own, you're an unintentionally funny joke...
2) The Tabloid Princesses: Sure I could list each of them one by one, but that would be giving them far too much credit. Instead I'll lump them together for the walking trainwrecks in the making that they truly are.
To Lindsay, I BEG you to take the next year off, and check yourself into rehab. And no, having your publicist spill the fact that you're attending AA meetings doesn't count, seeing as you only did that for publicity's sake. Get yourself clean, or you'll be this generation's Judy Garland. Talented, but died too young.
To Britney, glad to see you finally kicked the undeserving douchebag to the curb, and decided to flash your private parts for all of us internet geeks to see. Cesarian section, wasn't it? The scar was kind of telling...
But the fact remains that at this point in time you are so much damaged goods (see: Janet Jackson) that no one in their right mind wants anything to do with you. In fact, the NFL basically forbade you to appear in a commercial for the fledgling NFL Network that would appear during the Super Bowl, because you're too much of a white trash trainwreck (they actually said that, not the white trash part, but the trainwreck) that they don't want to be associated with you in any way, shape or form.
Face it honey, you've got enough bucks, call it a day and move back to your roots in Louisiana, where they will most assuredly treat you like royalty for the rest of your life.
To Paris: F*CK off and DIE already! NO ONE likes you, NO ONE cares about you, and NO ONE thinks you have a lick of discernable talent in any kind of arena, whether it be singing, acting, or even being a human being. You're vapid, self-absorbed, and if I'm to be completely honest, not really all that attractive. Your sister is cuter. GO AWAY!
1. Dane Cook: Okay, this dude is gut-bustingly funny? Really? Could you explain it to me? Because maybe it's just the fact that I've been raised on the likes of such great stand-up comedy giants as George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Robin Williams, Sam Kinison, Rodney Dangerfield, so on and so forth, that I don't get what is so great about this guy that he sells out arenas and gets movie deals. He's middle of the road. He's mildly amusing at best. The movies that he's been in have sucked, and when he hosted Saturday Night Live, he only strengthened the argument I now pose against him. He's a one note wonder. I half expect a sitcom on the next fall schedule starring Dane Cook on one of the networks, just because he's so "edgy" and because he's currently so "popular" with the 18 to 34 demographic that TV execs so covet...
In other words, we're most likely screwed. As this semi- talent will be probably forced upon us for years to come.
Ben Moser
I'm going a slightly different way with this. While I wouldn't be particularly heartbroken by a 2007 without these celebrities, I'm mostly picking them based on the fact that I think a year off could do a world of good for them as well as their audience(you know, us). Also, instead of talking to the good readers of 411, I'm going to be addressing these celebs personally.
5. Cameron Diaz – Have you seen yourself over the past year-and-a-half? You look tired. You look about 10 years older than you are. Don't tell me that you might actually be bummed that Timberlake decided to bring sexy back without you. Look Cam, you're kinetic on the screen. I need to see that again, and it won't come across if you keep up whatever you've been doing. During your year off, try to land yourself a role like the one you had in Being John Malkovich. Blow our socks off and then show us you're still beautiful on the red carpet of the premiere of your new flick. It'll work.
4. Dane Cook – You're taking a lot of heat right now, buddy. You were the toast of the stand-up world for a while there, weren't you? It wasn't even your bad movie with Jessica Simpson that did you in. You were just all over the place. There's bound to be a backlash when that happens. Don't worry. You're still funny. During your year off, why don't you work on a new stand-up routine that reigns in all that energy you have on stage? Keep the physical part of your act, but go more cerebral. Study Steve Martin's old stuff. Just being gone for the year will help you out a lot, but coming back even better after a year off will blow the lid off your career.
3. Mel Gibson – The foreign language flick you made gained some praise. So you're in a great spot to disappear for a year and completely shed the bad press you landed in '06. Work on whatever you want to work on, you've clearly got a head for what's going to work for you. A year a way from the spotlight gives you what you need. And what you need is this conversation:
Guy: Mel Gibson hates Jews. I'm so hilarious for making that reference.
Girl: I'm so tired of that reference. It's old and it's not funny anymore. I'm going to go have sex with someone who isn't you now.
2. Lindsay Lohan – Hi LiLo. I know we've had some chats about what you need to be doing in my regular column, but I'm telling you now to take a year off. Your '06 press wasn't good. Not at all. The thing is, there was so much bad press for you this past year that no one remembers any specifics. Your new BFF's Brit and Paris? People remember sex tapes, baby dropping, general uselessness and mothering Federspawn. The worst thing people have on you is random speculation about weird behavior. I know you really want to be a serious actress. The best way to do that is to find some good influences for your year off (your batshit crazy mom doesn't count) and have them look over scripts with you while you search for that perfect role. You've shown a huge amount of potential, and this is the best way not to blow it all, LiLo.
1. Eva Longoria – I get it. You're hot. Very, very hot. You know how I know you're hot? You're everywhere. I think you were on the cover of Cosmo, Vanity Fair, Field & Stream, and Highlights for Kids at the same time. You're in every other commercial. You're in music videos. You're on countdown shows, Hollywood gossip shows, and Sportscenter. I'm pretty sure someone airbrushed you onto the hood of my car. Marry Tony Parker and enjoy being married for a while (you can do the players' wives' section of the SI Swimsuit issue next go-around). Have your Desperate Housewives character go into a coma so you can just be away. You're proven you're hot. You'll still be hot in '08; but after a year off, our eyes will pop out when we see you again rather than just roll.
OK, so we just spent an entire column cutting down celebrities, but it's not all about the negativity here at 411. In fact, next week we'll take a look at some people we would actually like to see more of in 2007 – hell, not just in 2007, but in general. That's right, next week we will openly campaign to get more starring roles for The Top 5 Most Underappreciated Actors. And no, Paris Hilton will not be showing up in that list. Or, at least, not in mine – I can't really speak for my crazy fellow writers. Anyway, see you next week.
