Misunderstood Masterpieces: Can’t Hardly Wait

Posted by Will Helm on 01.30.2007

…or, It May Not Be Bad . . . But It Could Be Much Worse

OK. I'll admit it. For the first time in a long time I'm actually covering a movie that 1) isn't that bad and 2) I don't mind so much. There is a very specific reason for me doing so, though – but that won't be evident until next week. Until then, please allow me to expound on the vagaries of the genre known as the "teen flick." First and foremost, my least favorite movie, The Breakfast Club is regarded, by many, to be the high point of the genre. As this is my least favorite movie ever – and, oddly enough, my hundredth column . . . from nearly one hundred columns ago (foreshadowing) – I am inclined to disagree. After all, just from the John Hughes oeuvre, there's the much better Sixteen Candles; Cameron Crowe's Fast Times at Ridgemont High and Say Anything . . .; and my personal favorite of the era, "Savage" Steve Holland's masterpiece Better Off Dead. Against these few – among many – films, The Breakfast Club pales in comparison.

Anyway, while these films all stem from the mid- to late ‘80s, fifteen years or so later the teen genre had a Renaissance of sorts thanks, in part, to a generation of filmmakers who grew up watching the aforementioned films. Though quite a few of these works are eminently forgettable, a few do stand out. First is the remarkably decent retelling of the classic George Bernard Shaw work Pygmalion, She's All That. Yes, it's an embarrassingly dated title and, yes, it does feature Usher . . . but it's quite entertaining and, at worst, a guilty pleasure. There's also the masterful – and wonderfully risqué – first two American Pie films, the second probably being the best of the series. Along the same lines of this picture is today's study, a mash-up of hot young – and up-and-coming – stars, teen film clichés, an extremely dated soundtrack – that was hip back in the day, and . . . . Giggly Tits. I know it's been a long time since I've featured her in this very column and I know that my little nickname for her may seem overly chauvinistic, but I mean it with nothing but respect. After all, she – Jennifer Love Hewitt to those not in the know – was one of the "hot young stars" of the era and, quite admirably, she's carved quite an ample niche for herself in the present day. Bully for her, I say. Of course, things were different nine years ago . . . and that's when Can't Hardly Wait was released to theaters. Now, even though this isn't a terrible film and I actually enjoy it to some degree, does that mean it can't be a Misunderstood Masterpiece? Let's find out!

First, before I get down to business, I just want to take time to mention just how annoying the title of this film is. "Can't Hardly Wait." That makes no sense. Can the speaker hardly wait? Can they not wait hardly? What is he or she waiting for? Does the speaker have erectile dysfunction (i.e. he can't wait and be hard at the same time)? Damn you for confusing me, movie; that's one point off. *ding* Anyway, the film – grammatically frustrating title and all – begins by rockin' late ‘90s style with a plethora and bevy of the musical acts of the age at a high school graduation. Well, the bands aren't actually at the graduation; the music is just playing in the background. In addition, there's also going to be the de rigueur party that night and someone is naked under his robe. I just hope whoever had that robe previously wasn't naked as well; that's surely an easy way to get a social disease.

There's also an important bit of information circulating through the gathered throng of graduations, specifically that some guy named Mike dumped some chick named Amanda. Young love: how fleeting. This crucial piece of exposition piques the interest of the class' resident "sensitive" guy, Preston Meyers (Ethan Embry) . . . mainly because he's been obsessed with Amanda since the first day of high school. Preston's best friend, Denise Fleming (Lauren Ambrose), sitting next to him, rolls her eyes cynically, as per her particular idiom because, in fact, she is the class' resident cynic. I bet she even dresses in black later in the movie, though she isn't Goth. Maybe a Visigoth, but not a Goth. Denise vents her frustration at Preston's obsession – I hope this isn't a rip-off of Some Kind of Wonderful – while Preston recounts the fact that he's been stalking Amanda for four years. OK . . . so the viewer is supposed to sympathize with a stalker? Whatever, movie. And, just like any good psychotic, the reason for Preston's enthrallment is notably mundane: strawberry Pop-Tarts. OK then.

Fast forward to that evening and Preston has somehow conned Denise – who is, indeed, wearing black . . . but not in a Goth way – into accompanying him to the party . . . mainly because he has a love letter for Amanda. See, this is the kind of crap these films perpetrate that give guys fall hope; unsolicited love letters never ever work. In fact, they're kind of creepy. Just a note from me to all the guys out there; after all, Valentine's Day is coming up . . . *wink*. Wait . . . now that seems that I want love letters from men for Valentine's day; damned ham-handed foreshadowing. Anyway, also at the party is popular jock – and Amanda's ex-boyfriend – Mike Dexter (Peter Facinelli); Mike, being part of the jock group-think, then convinces his friends (one of which, Freddy Rodriguez, worked with Lauren Ambrose on Six Feet Under) to break up with their girlfriends at the party so that they can all be single lotharios for the summer. Either that, or he's seen them in the shower enough and he wants to progress their relationships further. Hopefully he buys them flowers afterwards.

Meanwhile, in a darkened bunker, the class' resident overachieving nerd, William Lichter (Charlie Korsmo) – accompanied by two of his friends – plans REVENGE against Mike for various transgressions throughout the four years of high school. Ooh . . . maybe he can get Dick Tracy to help him . . . or maybe not, as he apparently has jeans with "pudding" on them as evidence of Mike's actions. Come on; it's obvious that Will just had his monthly friend and he's just covering up; it's like a letter to hermaphroditic YM. Elsewhere, at a local convenience store, wannabe white hood-rat Kenny Fisher (Seth Green, the modern day Kevin Bacon with hipster appeal) hangs out with his wannabe hood-rat friends. Apparently, he's going to be attending the soiree later in the evening and he's looking to spread his seed; he's even brought along a knapsack full of supplies to help him along.

Back at the party, Preston and Denise remain outside – probably where they belong – and Preston pines and swoons to the strains of Barry Manilow's "Mandy." Get it? "Mandy"? "Amanda"? Yeah . . . he's clinically insane. Denise, unsurprisingly, is disgusted by Preston's rampant sentimentality, but that's just per her particular idiom, yet again. Shockingly, Preston and Denise finally work up the courage to go into the party and, hilariously, the strangely overdressed hostess is surprised to see them. Evidently, the party is just for cool people; a sensitive stalker and a cynical chick aren't that. Luckily for Preston and Denise, Clarissa (Melissa Joan Hart, in the film for no particular reason) is on hand to distract the hostess with a yearbook allowing Preston and Denise to continue on to the party proper.

Outside, Kenny – with his chums in tow – as well as the house band (Breckin Meyer, who works with Giggly Tits in the Garfield films and Seth Green on the awesome Robot Chicken; Donald Faison, also a collaborator on Robot Chicken; is everyone in this movie connected in some way?) arrive at the party. While the band argues among themselves, Will and the nerds set up their scheme of REVENGE and then Will abandons his compatriots to go inside, undercover. Well, I guess if Preston and Denise can get in, an über-nerd like Will can certainly get in. It's all about precedent.

Inside the house, some wisenheimers teach a Russian exchange student dirty phrases – I bet he already knows "Berzerker!" – while Mike punches out Clarissa or something like that. Mike than hooks up with Jaime Pressly – who is appearing in far too many of these columns – who, apparently, is one of his friends' girlfriend. Whoa . . . hopefully that's not why you want them all to break up, Mike; bros before hos, dude. While Mike, his friends, and their respective girls hang out – even though they haven't broken up just yet – Amanda (Jennifer Love Hewitt or, lovingly, Giggly Tits) arrives and time stops. Whoa . . . she's a mutant! Call Professor X! Anyway, while everyone at the party stares due to the uncomfortable scene, Preston loses it – more than likely in his pants – and Denise mocks him for it. I'll give her credit; she's sticking to her role. Denise, tired of mocking Preston, then turns her gaze over to Kenny and she mocks him a bit too, just because she can.

Preston, the subject of his long term stalking now at the part, spies on Amanda who is commiserating with her friends – who also happen to be Mike's friends' girlfriends. Oh . . . that's always a frightening thing to see; there's nothing scarier than the gestalt of a group of teenage girls. Somehow, men always end up on the losing end. Luckily, for all men, Amanda is her own woman now and she's so over Mike. Welcome to Dumpsville, Mike, population: you. Elsewhere at the party, Kenny has an internal monologue – does he think he's in Dune or something? – about his sexual prowess and then he hits on girls who promptly and summarily shut him down.

In the kitchen, apparently, the class homosexuals control the keg; I hope they clean off the tap they're done. Will, since he's "undercover," gets a drink and he gives one of the keg-sexuals a facial in the process. Elsewhere, some crazy chick and the Russian guy make fun of Kenny – perhaps Denise taught him that – and then he hits on some lesbians. No, seriously. Meanwhile, Amanda catches other chicks at the party gossiping about her . . . and then Preston sits next to her after all these years! Before Preston can get his groove on, some wacky guy comes over and embarrasses Preston with tales of immature acts in years previous and Amanda leaves to the arms of fake Joe Francis (Eric Palladino), who also happens to be her second cousin. He's just there to innocently console her as a family member should, I'm sure.

Later, Mike gets in an argument with Freddy Rodriguez, who's hesitant to break up with his chick; why would a sane guy forfeit the sure thing anyway? That makes no sense . . . then again, Mike doesn't think with his brain, unlike his friends apparently. Denise, meanwhile, mopes on a couch – I guess she used up her mocking points for the evening – and someone in the periphery gives her a facial . . . with Silly String. On stage, the band starts their set, which ends quickly after when they start arguing for no discernable reason. In another room, Kenny eavesdrops on some HOT CHICK planning REVENGE sex with the next guy to talk to her; perhaps symbolically, Kenny then falls directly into her lap. Almost literally, too. He gets his "game" on with her and she assents to let him plow her fields.

Kenny, elated that he's going to get some lovin', leaves her to go to the bathroom to prepare himself for his coitus. I guess he's seen There's Something About Mary; hopefully he brings a Sears catalog with him. Somehow, Kenny gains access to the off-limits special bathroom upstairs but, once there, through a convoluted series of events, he gives himself a concussion and ejaculates prematurely. Meanwhile, downstairs, Denise gets hit in the head with a brownie – at least I hope it's a brownie; with all the facial action, this is quickly turning into a porno, so that might be something else at this point – and she sneaks up to the special bathroom . . . where she finds Kenny helping himself dry off – though it looks like its time for another facial, and she freaks out and accidentally locks them in the bathroom!

Downstairs, Mike yells at his other friends because they're being recalcitrant to his plans by not breaking up with their chicks . . . mainly because one of them has Pearl Jam tickets. Wait . . . Pearl Jam was still relevant in 1998? I don't remember that far back. In another room of the house, Joe Francis romances – hey, that rhymes! – Amanda with a piano and some sensitivity while she recounts her sordid history with Mike and, particularly, how she's afraid of being alone. Ooh . . . heaven forfend! What will her peers think if she's alone? That's she'll later go on to be a spinster with fifty cats? Bitches be crazy.

Out by the pool, Preston talks to himself like a good psychotic should . . . and the Russian guy is there too. Well, that's as good as talking to yourself, I suppose. Berserker! Back in the special bathroom, Kenny tries to break down the bathroom door, but he just exacerbates his concussion; he's going to end up dead by the end of this film if he's not careful. Kenny, for no reason whatsoever, blames Denise for their predicament; Denise, however, blames him. Personally, I'd blame the hostess's parents, mainly because they're too cheap to get the door fixed . . . even though they live in a veritable mansion. Penny wise, pound foolish, I suppose.

Once again inside the house, Preston, who has now worked up enough courage to talk to Amanda after four years, seeks her out and he finds her . . . making out with Joe Francis! Who does she think she is, Paris Hilton? Preston, unsurprisingly, freaks out and leaves – probably to grab some implement of destruction from his trunk – while Amanda shakes off Joe Francis as he violated her personal space – and tried to violate her – against her will. Dum-dum-DUM! On his way out of the party, Preston throws out his letter and then he drives off, perhaps ne'er to be seen again . . . until his arrest years later where his neighbors attest that he was a "nice, quiet guy who kept to himself." Just like every other serial killer.

In the house, Will pontificates to no one in particular while in the throes of a drunken stupor. Mike, meanwhile, hits on a few chicks – one of which is Selma Blair before she turned into a walking skeleton – who he once thought were skanky; while his memory isn't good, theirs are, so they leave him there alone. Oh, snap! Elsewhere, Preston, drives his car an emotional wreck; it doesn't help that "Love Hurts" is stereotypically playing on the radio. Back at the party, through a VERY convoluted series of events, Preston's letter ends up back in the house! In the special bathroom, meanwhile, Denise mocks – she's back in action, folks – Kenny's b-boy proclivities while Kenny turns the table on Denise by pointing out her cynical elitism. Ooh . . . I wonder if she can take it as well as she can give it? The answer isn't quite evident, though, as Kenny then confesses that he's had a thing for Denise since junior high but he broke it off to become a poseur. See! Don't forsake the sure thing.

At the high school football field, Preston obsesses and mopes about his lot in life; either that, or he's looking with pride over the bombs he planted there for the football team to find at their next practice. REVENGE is sweet, especially when you're a sociopathic stalker. Somehow, in Preston's insanity-addled mind, he discerns that he wants to date a dog – at least that's what it seems – but, luckily for him before he gets down to bestiality, a serendipitous radio broadcast gives him the opportunity to turn to Barry Manilow for advice. Back at the party, a moping Amanda – I guess the third act of this film is subtitled "moping" – finds Preston's letter and, after she reads it, she goes on the case to find out just who Preston is! Well, I'll give Preston credit; at least he never revealed himself to be a stalker in all those years . . . then I'm sure Amanda would know who he is.

Speaking of Preston, he's busy calling Barry Manilow but, just before he gets his chance to ask about the implications of the song "Mandy" – specifically whether or not it's about a dog or a woman . . . though, considering that it is by Barry Manilow, I'd say "neither" – angel stripper Jenna Elfman – circa first season of Dharma & Greg, before she became a walking skeleton – walks up and hangs up on Barry Manilow. Dum-dum-DUM! After a bit of arguing over Jenna Elfman's uncouth action, she and Preston come to a sort of détente. Well, that's nice to see. Life's too short for strippers and psychotic stalkers to be at war with each other.

Back at the party, while Will's nerd conspirators do something or other on the roof of a shed – I think it's their version of heterosexual bonding – Sara Rue shows up for no reason other than to scold Amanda for being pretty. Or something like that. Back over to Preston and stripper Jenna Elfman, they bond over her love of Scott Baio. Yeah, it makes no sense; bear with me. At the party, the band breaks up and then some guy who looks far too old to be there – he probably brought the beer – dances to "Paradise City," much to the crowd's chagrin. Shockingly, Will takes over the performance and – just like in every other teen movie ever made – a musical number breaks out! The crowd now loves Will for being fun and drunk, so he goes off to the basement to have an interracial threesome.

In the special bathroom, Kenny, feeling the urge to let loose the bladder juice, threatens to urinate on Denise – maybe she'd be into that at this point . . . she's already had Silly String and brownie facials – but she protests – methinks too much – and then they argue about it. How sweet. Outside, Mike – shockingly – mopes . . . until Jerry O'Connell shows up to console him. Hmm . . . I wonder how he's connected to other folks in this movie. Anyway, Jerry O'Connell, since he's awesome, keeps it real with Mike and he tells him never to forget that, even though he's a senior in high school, he'll be a freshman in college. Oh . . . and to wear flip-flops in the shower. That's always important.

Back in the party, Amanda questions stoners about Preston's identity and then Mike confronts Amanda because he's drunk, regretful, and still has feelings for her. Hilariously, Amanda – rather obviously – looks at Mike's crotch to discern that he's telling the truth. Amanda then gives a soliloquy stating that she's truly over Mike – and his engorged member – angering him . . . but she's cool with her decision. I hope she like cats, though, because that's now her destiny. Amanda then makes her way out of the party but, unfortunately for her, along the way a bunch of guys hit on her, disgusting her to no end. Sadly, one of those guys happens to be Preston, who Amanda puts down with extreme prejudice. OK, forget the cats; the police will find Amanda's head in Preston's freezer in time instead. Back in the party, a drunken Will, his desire for REVENGE quelled, bonds with Mike.

In the special bathroom, Denise and Kenny sing New Kids on the Block together and then they make out. Outside, Clarissa – finally being helpful to the plot and not annoying comic relief – reveals to Amanda just what Preston looks like . . . and it just happens to be Amanda's stalker that she just scolded with much harshness. Oh geez . . . she best go to the police next. Amanda, channeling Julie James, freaks out; meanwhile, Kenny and Denise get it on. At least Kenny's knapsack of love didn't go to waste. As a denouement to the party, the cops show up and, in the melee, the two nerds on the shed accidentally knock out Mike and Will and take incriminating photographs of them together. As well, Kenny and Denise finally get out of the bathroom, but not before they break up their relationship and yell at the hostess. Of course, they reconcile on the way home later, so no worries about the only two likeable characters in the film. Whoa . . . did I just say that?

In jail, Will wakes up to discover that Mike took the rap for him; meanwhile, in her bedroom, Amanda throws out pictures of Mike, closing that chapter of her life . . . until she finds a letter that says "I know what you did!" Oh wait . . . wrong movie. Preston, meanwhile, tracks down Denise and they recount their experiences of the night before, for good and for ill. Preston, turning the tables on Denise, actually mocks her for getting it on with Kenny; you have no room to talk, Preston . . . at least Denise got some. Preston, perhaps to reassert his place as the "sensitive" guy – and not the "creepy stalker" guy – goes off on a monologue about his still unrequited love for Amanda . . . and then he leaves for New Hampshire.

At a local diner, Mike, hanging out with his friends, is back to mocking Will, who showed up to thank him for helping him out back in the pokey earlier that morning. No worries for Will, however; in a nice touch, it is revealed that he'll later be rich while Mike will grow to be a failure. He is a jerk, but even I think that's a little harsh. Kenny and Denise, meanwhile, bond a bit more . . . awkwardly. At the train station, Preston waits for his train and then Amanda tracks him down after hours of searching. She gives him back his letter and then they have a heart-to-heart about their places in life. Amanda, resolved to spending some time alone, walks off . . . but Preston, foolishly, skips his train to be with her . . . and she accepts him! OK . . . so he's a stalker and now she's a hypocrite? Nice.

Where to start, where to start. Let's see. For what its worth, Can't Hardly Wait still isn't that bad, albeit a bit dated. It is nearly ten years old, after all. Speaking of which, it's quite entertaining to see just what's become of many of the actors in this film. Some have gone on to bigger and better things: Seth Green, particularly, but also TV stars Giggly Tits, Jaime Pressly (even though she's in these pages far too much), and Donald Faison. Some have gotten paychecks from HBO, specifically Ambrose, Rodriguez, and Eric Balfour (he had a bit part) – all from Six Feet Under – and Clea DuVall, who also had a bit part and later starred in Carnivàle. Unfortunately, some, for some reason, faded into some semblance of obscurity or uncertainty, like Ethan Embry and Charlie Korsmo. Of course, that's to be expected from a film with a cast of this size. What's not to be expected is – sadly, like The Breakfast Club before it – just how broadly the characters are painted. Everyone, save Denise and perhaps Kenny, shows any subtlety or range of character. Even the vaunted Amanda is nothing more than just Mike Dexter's HOT CHICK until she becomes Preston Meyer's HOT CHICK in the end. As usual, whenever a film takes the easy way out and forsakes character for action – even though it isn't hard to have a little subtlety – that means it must be a Misunderstood Masterpiece . . . even though it's not that bad.

Join me next week as I'll show what happens when this genre – or, particularly, a spoof thereof – turns very bad. See you then!