Misunderstood Masterpieces: Ultraviolet
Posted by Will Helm on 02.27.2007
… or, Do I Need Protection from the Damage This Film May Cause?
In recent years, alongside Jennifer Garner and Kate Beckinsale (more on her soon), another female star has elevated herself to the position of go-to action flick HOT CHICK: Milla Jovovich. Initially a fashion model in the early ‘90s, Jovovich had her breakthrough not in an action movie, but in Richard Linklater's ‘70s high-school comedy Dazed and Confused. Her big break, however, would come a few years later as a punk rock chick who holds the key to saving the world in the bizarrely entertaining The Fifth Element. In more recent years, Jovovich would position herself as the one of the most intense female action stars around, mainly because that's the only way for her to make the Resident Evil franchise watchable . . . and it's soon to be continued in this year's Resident Evil: Extinction. Goodie.
In today's film, Jovovich combines her two most famous roles – from The Fifth Element and Resident Evil – to play a punk chick against a dystopic future in Ultraviolet. The second major film – after Equilibrium – featuring writer-director Kurt Wimmer's "gun-kata" version of film martial arts, Ultraviolet burst into theaters in 2006 . . . and that's pretty much it. Largely seen as a low-rent copycat of the higher-budget Aeon Flux, Ultraviolet met largely apathetic – or worse – critics and an indifferent public perhaps burnt out on HOT CHICK action star flicks. Ultraviolet came and went from cinemas but was such indifference fully deserved? After all, red-blooded American males love action flicks and they love HOT CHICKS; why did they not love Ultraviolet? Is it really just bad – or, worse, mediocre – or maybe it's just a Misunderstood Masterpiece? Let's find out!
In a very cool feature, the entire opening-credits sequence is made up of comic-book covers. Something tells me that may very well be the high point of the film, unfortunately. Of course, my fears are perhaps founded as, after the comic books, comes . . . a monologue. Why? Why can I not escape these? Strangely, simultaneously with the monologue, a helicopter flies over a city. This isn't just any generic helicopter, however; this one has balls. Seriously. Balls, in fact, that it drops into a building – great . . . now the building's knocked up – but the balls aren't balls at all: they're ninjas dressed as Snake-Eyes from G.I. Joe! The ninjas infiltrate the building – as long as Storm Shadow isn't there, they should be alright – until, sadly, some guys show up to shoot them. Well, it might not be Storm Shadow, but it'll work. After the ninjas are dealt with, a few other guys arrive on the scene to provide exposition – apparently the ninjas aren't just ninjas . . . they're vampire ninjas! – and then one of the new guys gets cut and another guy shoots him. Um . . . OK then. Thanks for showing up for the movie, guy #1.
Meanwhile, the voice-over returns to explain just what's going on – because I get the feeling this movie's going to need it. Apparently, there was a virus which turned a high percentage of the human population into vampires. The government, behind the virus, studies them in concentration camps; meanwhile, there are also rebel vampires as well. I wouldn't have expected anything less. The leader of the quasi-theocratic government, vice-cardinal Daxus (Nick Chinlund), wants all the vampires eradicated; undermining his wishes, however, is the fact that he wears silly noseplugs throughout the film. It's hard to take a guy seriously when he's wearing tea strainers in his nostrils.
Elsewhere, in some enigmatic building, the source of the voice-over, a HOT CHICK named Violet (Jovovich), goes to visit a doctor and the medics on hand violate her with robot arms and needles. Whoa . . . it's like a medical R-party or something. Just to heighten the indignity, after the poking and prodding is complete, the doctors force Violet to strip; she mustn't mind this so much, however, as she takes time to strut while in the nude. Good for her. After, perhaps just to distract the doctor on hand or to titillate the viewer, Violet gets dressed very slowly. When Violet finishes putting on her clothes, a helpful lab technician tells her about her mission for the day . . . without actually explaining anything. Well, that wasn't very helpful, Mr. Lab Technician.
Down the hall from the doctor's office, Violet visits with HAL from 2001: A Space Odyssey; wow, it's nice to see he can find work nowadays. After all, everyone else from that movie seems to have faded away into obscurity. Keir Dullea, where are you? After passing by HAL – who, for once, actually opens the airlock, Violet picks up some mysterious government superweapon . . . which looks like the body of an electric guitar. Whoa . . . the feds are going to ROCK the vampires to death! Unfortunately for Violet, just as soon as she finally grabs the superweapon, the real courier shows up at the building's front door, unveiling Violet's ruse!
In order to subdue Violet, the government calls upon a horde of fake stormtroopers; strangely, they're all wearing glass armor for some reason. Call me skeptical, but I don't think that's very practical. Violet agrees, apparently, as she quickly disposes of the ersatz stormtroopers with some of the most overly complex fight choreography I've ever seen and then, after the fight, she pukes and shoots up outside. I bet she got those from Barry Bonds. Apparently, Violet isn't just a false courier, she's also one of the vampires and she wants REVENGE against humanity! Why am I not surprised? In order to facilitate her REVENGE, Violet activates her belt buckle and she walks on the ceiling while vanquishing more stormtroopers. Lionel Richie would be proud.
Violet, after an eternity of thwarting stormtroopers throughout the building, finally exits and she jumps on her requisite motorcycle. Hmm . . . why does a motorcycle chase seem awfully familiar? This is slightly different, however, as Violet, her magic belt buckle activated once again, drives along the sides of a building while being chased by helicopters. Well . . . that's original. After ages of chasing and driving, Violet finally drives up to the roof of the building and then she blows up the helicopters by jumping through them. Wouldn't it have been rather anticlimactic if she miscalculated that one?
Perhaps she miscalculated her landing, though, as she busts into a boring office and, once there, she finally gets off her bike. Finding a private area of the building – she best be careful; there may be a tryst going on around the corner . . . those offices can be dens of sin, Violet calls up her vampire boss (Sebastien Andrieu) and she argues with him over what to do next. Violet just wants to get away clean, but her boss wants her to blow up the superweapon . . . along with herself and the city block. Well, at least he'll be sure the superweapon is gone; that's for sure. Violet argues her case and, against her boss's wishes, she escapes . . . just to argue with her boss again afterward. Violet, perhaps enraged by arguing with her boss, decides to disobey everyone and she opens the case . . . which contains a kid's torso (Cameron Bright)! Whoa . . . heavy. Well, at least it wasn't a mysterious yellow light; then I would've freaked.
Violet, perhaps shocked by the contents of the case, brings the superweapon to her boss and then they argue yet again. Something tells me that Violet is rebellious, even for a rebel. Either that, or she's a terrorist with a heart of gold. Apparently, according to Violet's boss, the kid is some sort of weapon that means cataclysm for the vampires; Violet, meanwhile, believes that the kid holds the key to some sort of cure for the vampire pandemic and their survival. Her boss, perhaps wisely, overrules her and then he dismisses Violet and shoots the kid. Hey! That's not cool. Much to his chagrin and my surprise, however, he just shoots a hologram as Violet has, beforehand, kidnapped the kid! Dum-dum-DUM! Violet's boss, unsurprisingly, wants the kid back, so, on the roof of the building, a bunch of Chinese guys confront Violet and the kid. Through a convoluted series of events, the Chinese guys end up shooting each other while the kid takes refuge on the building's ledge until Violet pulls him back and scolds him. Damned insolent pre-pubescent superweapons.
Unsurprisingly, as there is more to this movie, Violet and the kid escape the building and, hilariously, just after she leaves, Daxus shows up to capture her. I half expect Nelson Muntz to pop up and say "Ha-ha!" He does track down Violet in the form of a hologram and he appeals to her maternal instincts by telling her that . . . the kid is his son! Dum-dum-DUM! But I thought Billie Jean wasn't his lover. Hmm. Violet, showing a shocking sense of skepticism, actually doesn't believe him so she escapes with the kid to the subway after a convoluted series of events involving a lot of guns and a car. It's one of those things that needs to be seen to be disbelieved.
Later in the day, Violet and the kid wander around the city and she lectures the kid along the way. Sheesh . . . maybe life would be better trapped in a guitar body. Violet then calls some buddy of hers but, much to her chagrin, he doesn't want to help her on her quest. Whoops. Perhaps because she's just on her own with the kid, Violet elects to bond with the kid and she discovers that his name is "Six." Wait . . . didn't I see that before on Married With Children? Oh way . . . that was "Seven." Eh; close enough. Violet then tries to get Six's blood but he recoils; Violet, perturbed, decides to give Six an ultimatum regarding his future or something like that and then she explains everything that's been going on in the movie so far. Well, thanks for the recap, Violet.
After Violet and Six come to some sort of understanding, she brings him to see a nerdy friend of hers named Garth (William Fitchner). Party on, Garth. Garth objects to Violet and Six's presence but he can't complain that much because Violet would just be there anyway because he's got all her guns. So he's a kindly armorer . . . he's vampire Q! Meanwhile, the cops meet with Violet's boss and his henchmen and, shockingly, the vampires actually outsmart the cops until Daxus shows up. At gunpoint, he calmly grabs himself a cup of coffee and then he shoots the vampire boss' henchmen. The vampire boss, wisely, elects to make a deal with Daxus rather than get shot himself. Gee . . . I wonder if they're going to go after Violet together now.
Violet, at Garth's place, watches fireworks over the city for some reason which is probably extremely symbolic. Six joins her and in another bonding moment, she tells him about Dusty Rhodes. I've heard he's the American Dream. Oh wait . . . she's telling him about "dusty roads," like in her dreams. Nevermind, then. They then share tales of their tragic lives and bond further. Aww . . . how sweet. Later that evening, Garth gives Violet a transfusion since she's dying or something and then Six writes down a mysterious chemical formula for no particular reason . . . right now. Garth then, in a startling turn of events, tells Violet that Six doesn't hold the key to any cure at all; instead, he's got some weird disease himself and he's rapidly dying. Wait . . . was that why he was being kept in a guitar body?
Violet, now forlorn that the whole reason for kidnapping the kid was all for naught, goes on the run with Six in tow. Six, wisely, wants to know what's going on but, instead, Violet just makes him get some dinner . . . and then she abandons him to die alone. Whoa . . . I thought they bonded! What happened to all that maternal instinct! I thought you cared, movie! At least I hope you cared, because I sure don't. Nope. Not at all. Luckily, after the cops show up to capture Six, Violet proves that she actually does care and she turns back to grab Six. Before she can find him, unfortunately, the cops shoot . . . the wrong kid. Oops. I'm sure it happens all the time . . . although it's going to take a while to liquidate all the witnesses this time.
Violet, sensing danger, goes off in search of the now-missing Six and, as it turns out, the vampires – who are now in league with Daxus – kidnap him. Well isn't that just wonderfully clichéd. Didn't I already see that in Underworld? Actually, now that I think about it, Ultraviolet is almost like the love child of Aeon Flux and Underworld, honestly. Weird. Anyway, Violet heads to a spooky cemetery where she fights two vampires and, in the process, rips out one's dreadlocks. Ooh . . . I think that's a commentary on vampire fashion or something.
Violet, finally at the end of the spooky cemetery level of the game . . . I mean "movie," finds her old boss, surrounded by his henchmen – or, at least, the ones Daxus didn't kill, and Six hanging by a thread over a well or something. Why there's a well in a chapel in a spooky cemetery is beyond me. Eh . . . whatever, movie. According to the boss, Six doesn't hold the cure or the end of the vampires; instead, the kid kills humans! Wait a second . . . that makes absolutely no sense. What is going on in this movie?!? Violet, not one to figure out just exactly what is going on in this movie, kills some vampires and her boss – rather anticlimactically, I might add – and then she rescues Six from falling down the well. Yay.
In the aftermath, Violet explains, once again, to Six everything that's been going on in the movie so far; I wish she would take some time to explain everything to me too. Violet then pledges to save Six from his horrible disease but, before she can, Daxus shows up via hologram and reveals that . . . Six is actually his clone! So the line from "Billie Jean" is actually "The clone is not my son"? Well, that makes sense . . . especially because I always thought Michael Jackson sang "The chair is not my son." Anyway, Violet, sick of Daxus' interference or whatever, vows her REVENGE against him for no reason in particular; meanwhile, Six becomes overly nihilistic and tells Violet that he just wants to die. Well, honestly, that would definitely end the movie a lot sooner, so I'm all for it.
Later, Violet confronts Daxus at city hall and he reveals to her his grand scheme: he wants to control humanity by killing them. Or something like that. It's all very vague and sinister. Or vaguely sinister. With his evil plan now unveiled, Daxus elects to execute the only viable witness and he and his minions shoot at Violet . . . but she's just a hologram! Ooh . . . Daxus got pwned! What a n00b. Elsewhere, Violet daydreams about having fun at a playground with Six; ah, her maternal instinct must be kicking in again. Somehow, the playground ends up being real but, in the midst of the fun, Six bites it and then, just to make matters worse, the cops and Daxus show up to corner Violet . . . and shoot her to death. Whoa . . . now the movie should be over.
Or not, as, back at Garth's, Violet somehow comes back to life! Alright . . . why do all these damned characters have to come back from the dead? I've seen it in Underworld – Selene is undead, after all – and I've seen it in Elektra. Honestly, I'm getting sick of it. Are filmmakers trying to ham-handedly hammer home some kind of Messianic symbolism or something? At this point, I'm all for separation of church and cinema. Violet, perhaps tired of this hackneyed plot device as well, yells at Garth for bringing her back from the dead. Well, isn't she just ungrateful!
Violet, afterward, watches people go to the opera or something for no reason whatsoever. Yeah . . . it doesn't make any sense; something tells me this scene is a microcosm for the movie. After Violet finishes spying on people, Garth gives her a call and tells her that the formula Six left is actually the cure for the vampire disease and Garth needs Violet to protect him so that he can formulate the cure. Violet, meanwhile, just wants REVENGE – either for killing her or kidnapping Six – but Garth, sensing the danger involved, tries to talk her out of it. He probably also wants to make sure she's around to protect him, too, but he just doesn't come right out and say it.
In city hall, Daxus is busy trying to cut up a now-frozen Six when he's rudely interrupted by Violet breaking into the building and killing most of the guards she finds there. Wow . . . now it's just The Matrix. Tell me when this movie has an original thought, please. Violet, in the process of dispatching the guards, dramatically cuts her hands! Ooh . . . how symbolic. It's the stigmata! Along the way to Daxus' laboratory, Violet kills some more guards with her gun-knives – no, seriously . . . gun-knives – and then she takes some time to cauterize her hands with a hot gun barrel. It doesn't work, unsurprisingly, so Violet remains a Messianic symbol.
Violet, at the endgame, finally reaches Daxus' lab and, once there, she throws her blood at him! It doesn't faze him much, however, as he simply elects to have a climactic swordfight with Violet for no reason other than just to show off the "cool" fight choreography. Just to tilt the fight in his favor, Daxus shuts the skylights in the lab and, after, he reveals a shocking secret: he's a vampire too! Wait a second . . . that makes absolutely no sense. All this just to find out that she and Daxus are cut of the same cloth? Next thing I know, he'll say that he's her father. Then she'll scream "No!" and he'll chop off her hand and she'll fall down an airshaft in Cloud City. Well, the movie hasn't been original so far; why should it stop now? Anyway, to help her see in the dark, Violet somehow sets her sword on fire and then, after a bit of flaming-sword fighting, Violet sets Daxus on fire and then she slices him in half. In the aftermath, Violet somehow resurrects Six – alright . . . enough Biblical references already! – and Garth formulates the cure so Violet pledges to sow more REVENGE, via voice-over. Aww . . . how sweet. It actually thinks there's going to be a sequel.
Wow. It's not every day I get the chance to watch a film as unoriginal as Ultraviolet. Much like, oddly enough, recent movie spoofs, Ultraviolet seems to be less a fully realized film and more just a collection of sci-fi and action clichés strung together with a hackneyed plot. The action is mediocre at best, with far more style than substance, and the odd Messianic subplot comes along almost out of nowhere halfway through the film. In addition, the shoehorned plot is confusing and mostly nonsensical, mixing bizarre sci-fi elements with strangely placed scenes of melodrama and symbolism. Unsurprisingly, as Ultraviolet reminds me of films I've covered in these pages before, it makes sense that it would be, indeed, a Misunderstood Masterpiece.
Join me next week as I finish up this trilogy of butt-kicking HOT CHICKS by following up the story of a film I covered ages ago . . . and mentioned a few times in this very column. See you then!
