Misunderstood Masterpieces: Underworld: Evolution

Posted by Will Helm on 03.06.2007

... or, I Don’t Think Vampires Are What Darwin Had in Mind

Ladies and gentlemen, a Misunderstood Masterpieces Hall of Famer is BACK! And, shockingly enough, it's neither Tim Curry (Greatest Actor in the Universe™) or even Dan Aykroyd (whose name I can finally spell right after all these years). Nope . . . it isn't even Joe Eszterhas or Paul Verhoeven. Even Cedric the Entertainer gets a pass here. This time, the returning member of the vaunted and lauded Misunderstood Masterpieces Hall of Fame just happens to be the only woman enshrined in that auspicious institution: Kate Beckinsale. Though she may have company soon – as soon as I decide whether Jaime Pressly or Giggly Tits should be honored next – it is now time to celebrate Ms. Beckinsale by bringing her back to one of the roles that won her this great honor.

A little over two years ago, I covered the first of Kate Beckinsale's offerings in this franchise, the wonderfully clichéd and mediocre Underworld (sadly, her character died in Van Helsing, leaving out any return appearances – ooh, spoiler alert!). Three years after the release of Underworld, a sequel found its way to theaters and a public just clamoring for more of Kate Beckinsale in latex and patent leather. OK, maybe they weren't "clamoring," but it's not to say that Kate Beckinsale in latex and patent leather is a bad thing either. The film, directed by Kate Beckinsale's husband Len Wiseman, features the Darwinian title Underworld: Evolution, as if the undead can somehow change over time. Unless there's something more to the title . . . anyway, as the first of this series was truly a Misunderstood Masterpiece, does the sequel follow in its predecessor's footsteps? Let's find out!

Either for those who neglected to watch the first movie or people with amnesia, there's a helpful expository scrawl to lead off the film. After all these damned monologues, I'm glad to see something written out for once. And to think not long ago I was tired of seeing these . . . distance really does make the heart grow fonder, I suppose. Anyway, according to the helpful scrawl, vampires and werewolves – in Underworld's universe – are related . . . but they hate each other. Aww . . . nice to know that centuries of parapsychological warfare are just due to a family tiff. Though wars have been started for far lesser reasons. The Football War, anyone?

Just to illustrate the fact that the Vampire-Werewolf War has been going on for ages, the film picks up in the 13th century, where some guy is lamenting the fact that he and his buddies just slaughtered an entire village. They may be tyrants, but at least they're conscientious tyrants . . . which I suppose wouldn't make them tyrants at all. Anyway, some guy – who is named Marcus (Tony Curran) – and his buddies are searching for his brother . . . who just happens to be a werewolf. Well, I wouldn't hold that against him, honestly. I always thought this world moved away from lycanthrope discrimination; I guess I was wrong.

Anyway, while Marcus and his allies – who are, shockingly, vampires – search for Marcus' brother, they also take some time to burn the slaughtered townspeople's corpses. This is all well and good and kind of merciful . . . until the townspeople start to wolf out! Dum-dum-DUM! Marcus' boss, Victor (Bill Nighy, reprising his role from the first film), sends Marcus into the woods while he and the other vampires take out the newborn werewolves. Marcus, conveniently, finds his brother there but, against his wishes, his vampire buddies chain up the giant werewolf and Marcus argues with Victor over it. I guess Marcus is far too trusting; Emperor Palpatine would not be proud.

In the modern day, Selene (Beckinsale) takes some time to explain what happened in the first film. That's awfully nice of her. Apparently, she found some dude, killed some werewolves, found out the vampires were playing her, and then she killed Victor as well. Unsurprisingly, she's wanted by the vampires for killing Victor and, also unsurprisingly, she still has the dude – Michael "Love Interest" Corvin (Scott Speedman) – with her as well. There's another vampire boss out there somewhere – gee, I wonder if it's Marcus – and Selene is searching for him because perhaps she can reason with him. If not, she can always slice his head in half like she did with Victor. Yummy. Anyway, as part of her search, Selene and Michael go to a secret mine in the middle of a vague Eastern European country; once there, Selene shoots at a dead werewolf and then she turns on the circuit breaker to learn that – indeed – the werewolf was already dead. Selene then grabs some guns and leaves Michael behind because she's going to have a chat with the new vampire boss – who was also in the first film – at . . . Vampire Mansion!

Over at Vampire Mansion, which is right next to the Frankenstein Place . . . where I've heard there's a light, the new vampire boss, Kraven (Shane Brolly, reprising his role as well), unlocks a vault deep in the bowels of the estate. Like Selene, Kraven is also in search of Marcus – though it does help that Kraven knows that the elder vampire is locked safely away in the vault. Unfortunately, for Kraven, that proves not to be true as a demon thing busts out of the ground . . . and it just happens to be a very unhappy Marcus. Somehow, even though no other vampires have them, Marcus found a way to grow wings in his stay underground. Interesting. Marcus, who's perhaps just cranky because he was rudely awoken, kills a few unlucky vampires and then he impales Kraven and drinks some of the lackey's blood to watch scenes from the first movie. Gee . . . why didn't he just rent the DVD? After learning everything that he needed to know, Marcus kills Kraven, which will probably end up making Selene's life much easier. Or perhaps not.

Ooh . . . foreshadowing.

Back at the secret mine, Selene yells at Michael because he doth protest too much, in particular that he doesn't want her to go to Vampire Mansion. She, meanwhile, tells him that – due to the fact that he's a vampire-werewolf hybrid . . . perhaps something from the first film that wasn't revealed clearly enough herein – he's going to have to learn to drink blood to survive in the near future. For some reason, that harsh realization causes him to agree to let Selene go to Vampire Mansion alone while he hangs out patiently in the secret mine. Of course it'll never work out that way, but it doesn't hurt to dream.

Meanwhile, on a non-descript warship, some guys stand around waiting for something and then a helicopter lands carrying bodybags on board. In the hold of the warship, some old guy (Shakespearean legend Derek Jacobi) mopes until his henchmen bring him footage from the first movie. Oh, see . . . they bought the DVD! Why couldn't Marcus do that as well? Over at Vampire Mansion, Marcus has flashbacks – a common occurrence in this film – and wanders around aimlessly. I guess he doesn't really like what his successors did with the place; the décor is just positively dreary, admittedly.

On the warship, the old guy studies the contents of the bodybags, which contain the remains of characters from the first film. With everyone lying around – sometimes literally, it's a wonder that the filmmakers didn't just remake the first film. Anyway, the old guy, who must be an undead forensic scientist or something, elects to give Victor's corpse and autopsy and, bizarrely, he finds a vampire pacemaker! Oh, wait . . . it's just a mysterious medallion. At this point, I half expected to hear the Legend of Zelda "Secret Place" song play. Ah . . . someday.

Over at Vampire Mansion, Marcus, still half-demon, clumsily types on a computer; it's amazing that medieval vampires can discern technology like that. It must be a Mac. Through a helpful web search or something – maybe he looked up "Underworld" on Wikipedia – Marcus discovers Michael's now not-so-secret location. Speaking of Michael, he gets a little hungry – for real food, not blood – so he treks off to the nearest vaguely Eastern European pub. Once there, he gets some dinner . . . and he gets sick, serendipitously, just as two cops in the place see a news story about how Michael is a wanted man for some reason. Honestly, I don't remember why and it would've been nice if the film explained THAT.

The cops, not too happy with having a retching fugitive in their midst, freak out and they radio back to headquarters; the old guy, through the use of technology, finds out about the cops' call and he and his henchmen spring into action. Meanwhile, back in vague Eastern Europe, Michael retreats to the forest and, once there, he vamps out . . . or wolfs out. He is a hybrid, after all. The cops, unwise to Michael's particular condition – perhaps they should've watched Underworld first too . . . though I don't know if it's available on DVD in vague Eastern Europe – give chase through the woods and shoot at him, which doesn't do anything in particular other than make him angry. And the cops won't like him when he's angry.

Before Michael can tear the cops limb from limb, Selene shows up to rescue him. Hmm . . . did she rent the DVD for Underworld: Evolution so she knew she'd have to get back so quickly? I wonder if that would, in turn, cause a Spaceballs-like paradox in the process. Hmm. Anyway, Selene, helpfully back just in time before the cops . . . still do nothing, beats up the annoying gendarme and then she feeds Michael some of her blood to help him heal quicker. In some cultures, that means they're married.

Before Michael and Selene can consummate their apparent union, Marcus shows up to spoil the party because he wants to know just what's been going on. Marcus, while having a little chat with Selene, tells her that she has a secret; before the secret can be revealed – or even expounded upon – Michael shoots Marcus, shooing him away for the time being. In the aftermath, Selene and Michael steal a truck that's helpfully parked nearby and they head on down a curving, treacherous mountain path. As if on cue just because the truck happens to be on a curving, treacherous mountain path, Marcus flies by to fight Michael and then – after knocking Michael off the back of the truck . . . but not off the truck itself – Marcus attempts to push the truck off the road. Selene, through some defensive driving and a few bullets, fends off Marcus and then, along the way to wherever, Michael recovers and questions Selene about what's going on. Selene, perhaps a bit put off that Michael's already being a nagging spouse, doesn't answer him; of course, her panic at the sun coming up may have a lot to do with it as well.

Michael, realizing that he's being a bit of a pill, attempts to atone for it by taking the wheel of the truck and driving into a conveniently abandoned garage. Once there, he covers Selene in a tarp and then he dramatically splatters paint all over the windows. Ah, the things people do for vampire love. After Michael proves himself to Selene – and she heals up from her slight sunburn – they make out and get it on. I guess this is for those viewers who always wondered what she wore underneath the corset and latex bodysuit; the answer: nothing.

Back at the warship, the old guy mopes yet more and, in a mine somewhere, Marcus heals from the wounds inflicted by Selene. In the forest, the cops find the secret mine and the dead werewolf inside; before they have a chance to call headquarters again, the old guy's henchmen show up to subdue the cops, take the dead werewolf, and blow up the secret mine. Ooh . . . there's skullduggery afoot! In the garage, Michael fixes a car while Selene has a flashback. Shockingly, it isn't to events that transpired in the first film, for once . . . but it is caused by a mysterious medallion in Michael's possession.

Afterward, Selene and Michael hit the road again and she reveals that she needs the help of a vampire archivist. Oh great . . . she's going to see Anne Rice. Then again, would she really count as a vampire archivist? Along the way, Selene reveals that she exiled said archivist three-hundred years prior and, conveniently enough, the archivist's prison is just a short drive away. Once there, Selene gets suspicious of the highly revamped surroundings – no pun intended – while, meanwhile, some guy inside is getting some. After the guy inside is rudely interrupted by Selene and Michael's presence, he causes Selene to fall down a trapdoor and then he unleashes his pet werewolf on Michael. Down in the dungeon underneath the prison, Selene kills some other werewolves and then Michael kills the one pestering him as well and then he breaks into the dungeon himself.

After Selene enters the prison proper, she kills a pair of vampire HOT CHICKS – the very same that the guy was getting it on with – and she finally confronts the archivist (Steven Mackintosh). After a slight bit of investigative work, Selene discovers that the archivist has been working alongside the werewolves for the past few centuries; she elects to use his treachery for her own ends as she steals a crossbow and some exploding medallions – I wonder if those will come into play in the ending? Nah . . . it can't be that obvious. Michael, meanwhile, questions the archivist about the real medallion, so the archivist goes into . . . exposition mode! What else would be an archivist's raison d'être? Apparently, years before, Victor wasn't really the first vampire, Marcus – who is busy eating horses for no particular reason – was. Victor, a vain ruler of some vague Eastern European nation, wanted immortality, so Marcus granted Victor's wish. Unfortunately for Marcus, Victor repaid his favor by locking up Marcus' werewolf brother for eternity . . . and the medallion is the key to the prison! In addition, the aforementioned secret regarding Selene was that her father made the prison! Whoa . . . that's wonderfully convoluted.

After Selene and Michael take their leave to destinations unrevealed, Marcus shows up to visit the archivist desiring to know about Victor's keys. This has to be a great day for the archivist; he finally gets to use his knowledge after three hundred years! Bully for him. The archivist, fulfilling his expository role, tells Marcus that Selene has one and that Victor, meanwhile, had the other . . . which is the one that now belongs to the old guy. Marcus, unhappy with the amount of exposition in the archivist's story, reads the exile's blood to find out more about the story. He probably could've just asked more nicely, but I guess that's not Marcus' style. Silly uncouth ancient vampires.

Later that night, Selene and Michael head over to the docks; maybe they're looking for some action. I don't know about the quality of vague Eastern European hookers, though. Or, in fact, they're actually looking for the old guy and his warship because they want to know about the mysterious medallion. After negotiating their way into the warship, Selene and Michael finally meet with the old guy and he reveals himself to be . . . Marcus and the werewolf's dad! Dum-dum-DUM! Marcus' dad, after telling Selene that the medallion is the key to the werewolf's prison, confesses that, after centuries, he's tired of cleaning up his sons' messes . . . but he doesn't want to kill them. I guess he's just going to have to keep cleaning up after them, then; kids NEED discipline . . . even if they're a vampire and a werewolf. Selene protests the old guy's reticence regarding the punishment of his sons so the old guy gives her a lecture about something or other. Selene, as usual, sasses back at him; she does have problem with authority, doesn't she? After all, she did kill her last boss and she's currently feuding with the new boss.

Marcus, meanwhile, figures out where Selene and Michael are and he busts into the ship – probably also to get the film moving again. Marcus and Michael end up fighting, which ends badly for Michael when Marcus impales Michael on a helpfully exposes pipe; then, just to add insult to injury, Marcus steals Michael's medallion. Selene, unhappy that her erstwhile sex partner is the one being penetrated, fights Marcus next, but Marcus easily sweeps her away and then he reads her blood to discern the location of his brother's prison! Selene, in the throes of seeming ecstasy, shoots Marcus away and then, once Marcus leaves the scene, she tries to rescue Michael with another dose of her blood.

Marcus, above deck, confronts his father in one of those vaguely Shakespearean scenes that films like to throw in every once in a while to seem more "dramatic." To hammer home that observation, Marcus and his father have a philosophical discussion and then Marcus, apparently at a teleological loggerheads, commits patricide rather than capitulate his hypothesis. Freud would have a field day with this one. After Marcus flies away with both medallions in his clutches, his dad calls for Selene because he finally seemingly wants REVENGE! Or not, as he just wants Selene to stop Marcus from releasing his werewolf brother; to that end, Marcus' dad feeds Selene some of his super-powered immortal blood. Ooh . . . tasty.

Selene, off to stop Marcus once and for all, teams up with the old guy's henchmen and Michael's seeming corpse to track him down. The old guy, meanwhile, blows himself up . . . even though he's apparently immortal. I guess after this he'll just be little immortal pieces. Oh well. Meanwhile, Marcus finally tracks down his brother's prison and he unlocks the first door with the combined power of the mysterious medallions. No Zelda "secret room" music? Damn. Selene, in the old guy's helicopter, follows closely and, along the way to the prison, she has some of the requisite flashbacks that this movie seems to love so much. Selene, finally at the prison, goes diving to find the entrance to the prison with the henchmen while Michael, still apparently dead, hangs out on the helicopter.

Marcus, finally at the end of the cave, unlocks his brother from another prison . . . with the same medallions. Honestly, it would've been funny if he had made it all that way and then found out he needed two more medallions; then again, this isn't a Japanese RPG. At least, after all this time, however, it's still a . . . a . . . a . . . JAILBREAK! AC/DC would be proud. Marcus releases his crazy werewolf brother and, amazingly, he tries to reason with him. Selene and the henchmen, meanwhile, stalk the tunnels and they shoot at Marcus' brother once he reveals himself . . . by killing a few of the henchmen. Remember that for future reference. Selene, meanwhile, fights Marcus again and this time she outsmarts him by trapping him in the prison! Turn about is fair play, ancient vampire.

With Marcus finally trapped for the time being, Selene and the henchmen search for Marcus' brother while, in a not-so-shocking turn of events, Michael wakes up from the dead on the helicopter! OK . . . what did I say about this last week? I'm tired of Messianic symbolism! Damned clichés, movies. Anyway, Marcus' brother finds Selene and the henchmen and Selene shoots him a couple of times . . . which doesn't do much of anything. At least she tried. Then, as a last ditch attempt to thwart the werewolf, Selene pulls out the explosive medallions from earlier in the film and she uses them to . . . accidentally collapse the cavern! Geez . . . all that lead up and that's what she uses them for? I would've thought she'd at least use them to double-cross Marcus or something like that. Thanks for nothing, movie.

In the aftermath, things take a turn for the worse for Selene as all of the dead henchmen decide that's the best time to wolf out! Luckily for her, Michael also elects to join the fray and rescue her at this point. I guess he was waiting for the right time so that he looked appropriately heroic like he still wants to impress her even though they already got it on. Marcus' werewolf brother shows up again and, as well, Marcus breaks out of the nearly locked prison just to harass Selene further. Then, as if it were planned that way, Selene pairs off with Marcus while Michael matches up with the werewolf. That's wonderfully convenient.

After Marcus, unbelievably, pulls down the helicopter – seriously, I don't even want to think about how that's possible, he impales Selene while Michael tears his brother's head off. Oops . . . I guess that whole JAILBREAK didn't work out so well. AC/DC . . . they're disappointed. Selene, using Marcus' brother's untimely death as a distraction, recovers and stabs Marcus in the head and then chops him up in the conveniently still spinning helicopter blades. Well, it's nice that the pilots neglected to turn off the engine when it went down. In the aftermath of the brouhaha, Selene – due to the influence of the old guy's immortal blood – realizes that she can finally go out in the sun and she and Michael make out because of that fact. Or something like that. No matter what, as a voice-over reveals, she's optimistic for the future . . . and possible sequels.

Just like its predecessor, Underworld: Evolution is neither good nor bad but just kind of average. While the action scenes are fairly decent, the plot often trips over its own clichés at times and there are far too many deus ex machina moments to rescue the film from its own tendencies. It's watchable, but it's not a movie that holds up well under scrutiny. Plus, perhaps most annoyingly, a good bit of the first third of the movie is spent either recapping through dialogue or even video what happened in the first film. I would think that viewers watching Underworld: Evolution have, hopefully, seen Underworld. Perhaps, even in the filmmakers' minds, that's too much to ask and, whenever the filmmakers' lack faith in their own audience, that can only result in a Misunderstood Masterpiece!

Join me next week as I unveil a milestone four years in the making: it's the 200th Misunderstood Masterpiece! It may even be two parts . . . so you know it'll be a nice, long movie worthy of this great honor. In addition, head over to 411Mania's Official MySpace where, all week, I'll be posting exclusive content to celebrate this event, specifically a "Best of Misunderstood Masterpieces" series to give you, the reader, an inside glimpse into just how these columns come together. See you then!