Misunderstood Masterpieces: Dune (Part 1)

Posted by Will Helm on 03.13.2007

…or, Fun with Internal Monologue

Here it is. My 200th film. And, pray tell, what better film to do than one of the most overdone, overhyped, and overblown failures in recent movie history?

Released in 1984 and, supposedly, over six years in the making, the David Lynch adaptation of the Frank Herbert novel Dune was to be a science-fiction epic on par with the Star Wars franchise, Alien, and Blade Runner. Not only was one of the hottest cult directors at the helm of the picture but an all-star, international cast was assembled filled with established actors, young newcomers, and Sting. Yes, Sting, lead singer and bassist of the legendary ‘80s group The Police, elected to stretch his entertainment range to this very film, his first major work since a small part in The Who's Quadrophenia nearly ten years before. Surprisingly, despite this pedigree, the film was an unmitigated flop critically and financially at the box office.

Due to later repeated showings on HBO in following years, however, Dune became a sort-of sci-fi "in joke," an example of a film that many know but few will admit to liking . . . and most mock whenever they get the chance. I think I've had enough Dune jokes throughout the course of this column, for example. Simplified, Dune is a film which is loved by a few, hated by some, and mocked by many . . . but can it really be a Misunderstood Masterpiece or, more importantly, worthy of the 200th bestowing of that title? Let's find out!

For some reason, this film takes part in a little bit of false advertising as, instead of David Lynch, Dune is directed by "Alan Smithee." Honestly, it's a wonder "Alan Smithee" hasn't won any Oscars throughout the years; he's directed so many movies that at least one ought to have garnered him the top prize. Anyway, I'll just have to keep it under consideration that David Lynch didn't, in fact, direct this movie . . . even though everyone knows he really did and just had his name taken off the film. Luckily, Mr. Smithee elected to keep long, longing shots of sand dunes – how apropos – and a soundtrack by Toto. Because they're definitely not in Kansas anymore.

Just like 99.9% of science-fiction movies, after the opening credits is an opening prologue . . . apparently directly from the pages of Frank Herbert's Dune. Inside the book, however, is deep space, bad special effects, and paintings with an accompanying expository monologue by an unseen character who shall henceforth be known as "Mr. Monologue." According to Mr. Monologue, people in the distant future are ruled by cyborgs and then the people are conquered by other people and enslaved. After a few centuries or millennia or whatever, the conquered people revolted and suddenly became intelligent and founded schools to pass on their newfound knowledge. In following years, two schools remained of these: a school for telepathic hippie chicks and a school for math geeks. So, essentially, a liberal arts college and an engineering school. The math geeks, in a disturbingly appropriate touch, are apparently led by a pickled brain with a vagina. No, really.

In the 11th millennium, Cyrano de Bergerac (José Ferrer) comes to power as emperor of the universe and, like the schools, two great imperial houses dominate his rule: House Atreides and House Harkonnen. Meanwhile, on another planet called Arrakis, Emperor Cyrano controls the mining of a mysterious substance known only as "spice." SPICE! Emperor Cyrano, vainly, envies the popular and just Atreides, so he favors the evil Harkonnens and, to further a plot against his rivals, he sends an envoy to meet with Duke Leto Atreides. In the aftermath of this failed meeting – which happens off-screen – the math geeks show up to visit Emperor Cyrano, who's very worried about the meeting. Also worried: the emperor's resident hippie chick (Siân Philips), whom the emperor sends out of the room as the math geeks don't like the hippie chicks. Wow . . . it reminds me of college.

With the telepathic hippie chick waiting around outside, the pickled vagina arrives to chat with the emperor about what's been going on behind-the-scenes in the empire. The vagina states, quite plainly, that it knows the emperor is behind the troubles because he has a "crazy" scheme to rid himself of his rivals. The pickled vagina, surprisingly, isn't necessarily interested in the politics and intrigue, it's just on hand to remind Emperor Cyrano that the spice (SPICE!) mining should not be interrupted under penalty of . . . well, whatever interesting remuneration the pickled vagina can think of. More than likely it'll involve high-powered calculus. As an added request, the pickled vagina also states that it wants Duke Atreides' son killed for no apparent reason . . . and then it leaves. The telepathic hippie chick, who was eavesdropping with her telepathic hippie chick powers, returns to Emperor Cyrano's side to explain things that were probably plainly obvious to him.

As the scene shifts, Mr. Monologue shows up to explain things along the way. Over on the planet Caladan, home of the House Atreides, young Paul Atreides (Kyle MacLachlan) watches a nature show about conditions on the planet Arrakis . . . accompanied by bits of inner monologue. Moments later, his teachers show up and Mr. Monologue, helpfully, explains who they are: Paul's trainer, Jean-Luc Picard (Patrick Stewart); Paul's tactical advisor, the bushy-eyebrowed Thufir Hawat (Freddie Jones); and Paul's doctor, Yueh (Dean Stockwell). Paul, being youthful and petulant, argues a bit with Jean-Luc Picard and then they have a goofy fight. After the sparring match, Paul asks Yueh about life on Arrakis; apparently, according to the good doctor, there are sand, worms, and mysterious natives. Paul then, much to Thufir's delight, states that he suspects Emperor Cyrano and House Harkonnen are behind stewardship of Arrakis passing to the Atreides. Then, perhaps to vent his frustration against the rival house, Paul tests out a sonic weapon on a bizarre droid, just to set up something that will pay off far later in the film.

Later that night, Paul meets up with another teacher of his – Duncan Idaho (Richard Jordan) – who's heading to Arrakis ahead of the family to set up the transition to their stewardship. Elsewhere, Duke Leto Atreides (the woefully underappreciated Jürgen Prochnow) stands out on the rain and then he and Paul have a little chat. It seems that Duke Leto is philosophical about moving to Arrakis. Later that night, Paul has a nightmare . . . with accompanying monologue and Sting! Oh no! Paul couldn't get tickets to the Police Reunion Tour! Meanwhile, his mom (Francesca Annis) is worried because the emperor's telepathic hippie chick is coming with a mysterious box for Paul. Once the telepathic hippie chick gets there, she and Paul's mom argue because Paul's mom – who went to school with the telepathic hippie chicks – wasn't supposed to have a boy. Then, for no reason at all, they chat about Arrakis and then the telepathic hippie chick lays a guilt trip on Paul's mom once again . . . and she's going to kill Paul while she's at it.

Paul, meanwhile, feigns sleep while his mom and the telepathic hippie chick talk about him. Eventually, they figure out that he's listening, so the telepathic hippie chick requests Paul's presence in his mom's room in fifteen minutes. Hopefully she doesn't hide behind a curtain while she's there; that always ends badly. A quarter-hour later, Paul joins the telepathic hippie chick and she growls at him. He doesn't listen to her at first but, then, she tells him to put his hand in a box. Whoa . . . hang on a second here. Oh wait . . . in A box. Not HER box. Whew. I was getting worried for a second there. The telepathic hippie chick threatens Paul with some poison and then she messes with him psychologically regarding his hand in the box. It's feeling very wet, warm, and sticky. OK . . . maybe not. Paul, ever the hero, passes the telepathic hippie chick's test and then she psychoanalyzes him and reveals that he just may be a superhero. Helpfully, she also provides some exposition about how, as a man, he can be better than women. Well that's just obvious, lady.

Mr. Monologue, who was taking a break for a while, explains that Duke Leto and Baron Harkonnen have been engaged in correspondence and Duke Leto doesn't like what the baron had to say. Meanwhile, on the Harkonnen planet of Geidi Prime, Grima Wormtongue (Brad Dourif) sulks after he receives Duke Leto's letter to Baron Harkonnen. He still elects to tell his corpulent, pustule-covered boss (Kenneth McMillan), who isn't happy about the situation. After dismissing Grima, the baron plans with his two nephews: Sting and some other guy (Paul L. Smith). Collectively, they plan REVENGE against House Atreides and then the baron starts gloating, floating, and spitting up blood for no particular reason. Ah, he's a jolly psychotic fat man . . . like an evil Santa Claus.

That night, Duke Leto gets some action with his concubine – Paul is, in actuality, a bastard child – but he can't concentrate on the task at hand because he's obsessed with Arrakis. Hmm . . . I wonder if they still have Cialis in the future. Later, the Atreides and their men finally leave for Arrakis; sweetly, they also make sure to take along their pet pug. Oh how cute. The Atreides first board a small craft, which takes them to a giant cylinder in space; once there, a pickled vagina shows up to teleport them all to Arrakis.

On Arrakis, unsurprisingly, there are dunes . . . and a telepathic prophetess helpfully on hand for exposition purposes. After she finishes her spiel, Mr. Monologue takes over and states that, apparently, the natives of Arrakis – known as the Fremen – believe in a savior for their planet and culture. Oh great . . . is this more Messianic nonsense? The Atreides arrive on Arrakis and, once there, the Fremen relay a biblical reference to the Duke; yup, Messianic nonsense. Duncan, meanwhile, explains that the Fremen could become allies if the Duke proves himself worthy enough. Meanwhile, Thufir yells at his underlings to turn on the shields to the house while Yueh and Paul's mom have a little heart-to-heart. Apparently, Yueh hates Baron Harkonnen because he did something or other to Yueh's wife . . . so some fun with internal monologue breaks out after the conversation. Later, in his laboratory, Yueh receives a secret message from a Harkonnen corpse. Ooh . . . intrigue!

In his room, Paul – and the viewer – learns about spice (SPICE!) mining from Mr. Monologue. Paul, now curious, eats some spice (SPICE!) conveniently on hand and, once he ingests it, he thinks to himself "SPICE!" Hence the joke. Oh, and he also has an acid trip due to the bizarre substance as well. Unfortunately, Paul can't enjoy his little chemical excursion as he's rudely interrupted by a flying dildo with a needle attached to the end. Well, I guess this must be the next test; if he survived the box, he moves on to the phallus. The dildo searches the room for a nearly still Paul but, instead of attacking him, it attacks the entering housekeeper (Linda Hunt). Paul, quickly, rescues her and as a token of her gratitude, she warns him of a traitor in the house. Oh really? I suppose the flying dildo just came around on its own, huh?

Duke Leto, upon discovering the attempt on his son's life, freaks out. Thufir, meanwhile, tries to quit on Duke Leto, but he's having none of it. Instead, he wants to know who the traitor in his midst is and he wants REVENGE! Leto then argues with Thufir and he orders Jean-Luc Picard that he needs more miners; Picard takes up his duty . . . but not before unleashing a bizarre Shakespearean soliloquy. Duke Leto and Paul, rudely, laugh at him. Elsewhere in the house, the creepy housekeeper visits Paul's mom and she states that she came to kill Paul's mom . . . or test her. Or something like that. Paul's mom, quite calmly, uses her telepathy to subdue the creepy – yet helpful – housekeeper.

The next day, Duke Leto and Paul meet with Imperial spice (SPICE!) researcher Max von Sydow, who explains the use of a special survival suit to the Duke. Paul, meanwhile, needs no explanation, greatly impressing Max von Sydow's inner monologue. Max von Sydow then takes Paul and Duke Leto on a tour of Arrakis and, along the way, he tells them of the particulars of spice (SPICE!) mining and harvesting. Paul, presciently, asks Max von Sydow if there's any connection between the giant sandworms of the planet and the spice (SPICE!). Max von Sydow is once again impressed . . . but he glosses over the answer and instead lets Duke Leto and Paul watch a harvester do its job. Moments later, Duke Leto spots evidence of a worm heading toward the harvester and the duke, against everyone's better judgment, lands his ship to rescue the harvester's workers . . . David Lynch among them. Seriously. He's there . . . although should I say it's "Alan Smithee"? While the duke takes off with the workers, the worm eats the harvester and he wins Max von Sydow's respect.

At dinner, Jean-Luc Picard plays his lute for the diners – this time, at least, no one laughs at him – and Max von Sydow joins up with the Atreides . . . and he's secretly representing the Fremen as well! Dum-dum-DUM! High above Arrakis, the emperor's ships thrust into the galaxy while Mr. Monologue explains that Baron Harkonnen is coming! That's far more than I needed to know about the fat man, honestly. That night, Duke Leto visits Paul in his bedroom and they joke about Paul's intense studying of the ways of Arrakis. Duke Leto, strangely, then gets very prophetic about his fate . . . and then the emperor's fleet shows up. Well, isn't that timely?

While Baron Harkonnen plans his attack, Paul has a nightmare and Duke Leto wanders around and apologizes to people in his household. Unfortunately, he doesn't have a chance to apologize to the creepy housekeeper as she ends up dead. Moments later, Yueh attacks Duke Leto with a dildo because he turned traitor on the house . . . sort of. It's all a sort of REVENGE plot as Yueh wants to use Duke Leto to kill Baron Harkonnen in REVENGE for killing Yueh's wife. That is an awfully complicated plot device, I must admit. To further his plans, Yueh gives Duke Leto a poison-gas tooth with which to kill Baron Harkonnen.

Elsewhere, the duke's men prepare for attack while the Harkonnen troops bomb the palace. Jean-Luc Picard, with the duke's pug in tow, courageously leads the counter-attack against his rivals. Meanwhile, Baron Harkonnen captures Paul and his mom and he gloats a bit while messing with Duke Leto's unconscious body. Meanwhile, Yueh watches in horror due to what he's done and then Sting feeds him some spice (SPICE!) as recompense. The baron, once again, gloats over Paul and then Grima sentences Paul and his mom to death in the desert . . . but not before bragging about brainwashing Yueh and confessing that he wants to get it on with Paul's mom.

In the midst of the battle, Duncan arrives on the scene like a swashbuckling hero and joins the fray; unfortunately for him, he's killed not long after. Thanks for showing up for the fight, Mr. Idaho. Meanwhile, Baron Harkonnen has Grima kill Yueh, just because he can. Elsewhere, Paul and Paul's mom's captors mess with them aboard a ship headed to the deep deserts of Arrakis. Paul growls at them a few times and then Paul's mom, from whom the captors unwisely remove her gag, hypnotizes one captor into killing his partner and untying Paul. Women can be so manipulative. Paul then kills the surviving captor and hijacks the craft.

Back at the palace, Baron Harkonnen, with Grima by his side, does what he does best . . . gloats over the unconscious Duke Leto. His gloating turns to rage, however, when he discovers that someone along the way absconded with the duke's critical signet ring! Oh no . . . there's a jewel thief in the film as well? Actually, ages ago, Yueh took it for Paul to recover . . . but that's a plotline that doesn't really pay off that well. I guess Yueh is a trustworthy traitor. While the baron yells and screams about the duke's ring being missing, Duke Leto finally comes around and he remembers the tooth – as Yueh told him in a disturbing close-up of his lips – which he uses to accidentally kill Grima. Oops! Duke Leto, his one job in the entire film a total failure, dies and then Baron Harkonnen goes loopy for no reason whatsoever.

And that's it for this edition! Seriously, this is far too epic – snicker – a movie to take up just one column, so I'm spreading it out over two columns! Join me next week to find out what happens . . . will Paul survive? Will the baron be thwarted? Will Sting do something other than stand around and look greasy and menacing? See you then!