The 411 Top 5: Week 54
Posted by Trevor Snyder on 03.30.2007
The Top 5 Worst Sequels
Last week, this column looked at some of the finest sequels ever made, in a brave attempt to prove that not all sequels are simply second-rate product, hastily thrown together to cash in on the success of the previous film. But, now that we have that out of the way, I suppose I have a confession to make. Because last week's point was to look at good sequels, it was important to gloss over one true, inescapable fact:
Most sequels bite…hard.
Not that this isn't anything you didn't already know. Everyone knows it, and yet the movie industry continues to churn them out, and, even more amazingly, we continue to pay for the "privilege" of seeing them. Given that, I guess I can't blame for going the easy route and simply signing off on a new installment of a beloved series rather than, oh, coming up with anything new. But, still, would it kill them to at least try to match the quality of the first film from time to time? Then again, I'm sure most of the people involved in sequels don't necessarily set out to make a lesser film. But, that's often exactly what ends up happening. At best, a bad sequel can simply leave fans disappointed that it wasn't as much fun as the last time. At worst, a bad sequel can tarnish your memory of the previous film. Just how bad can it get? Allow us to show you, with:
THE TOP 5 WORST SEQUELS
Trevor Snyder
(Dis)Honorable Mentions:
Men in Black 2
There are certainly worse movies than Men in Black 2 (hell, according to my list there are at least seven that I consider far worse), but MiB2 definitely ranks very high on my own personal disappointment list. The first MiB to this day remains one of the most truly imaginative and entertaining summer blockbusters ever, so it seemed like a safe bet that the follow-up would at least be somewhat fun. Well, thank god I'm not a betting man, because I certainly would have lost out on that one, as director Barry Sonnenfeld instead delivered a sequel with barely any of the wit and charm of the first film. I'm not 100% opposed to the idea of a third film in the series, but I am afraid that after this lackluster sophomore effort, no one cares enough for that to happen.
Be Cool
Now that I've ragged on Sonnenfelf for his uninspired MiB sequel, let me give him some credit – at least he didn't direct this lame sequel to his hilarious Get Shorty. Another case of "too little, too late" – by the time Be Cool hit theaters audiences no longer really cared about John Travolta's Chili Palmer, and it certainly didn't help that this film suddenly claimed that Chili, in addition to being a huge movie buff, is ALSO extremely knowledgeable about the music world – something that was strangely never even mentioned in the first film (if a third is ever made, will Chili suddenly be an expert on literature, too?). Watch it once for the humorous interaction between Vince Vaughn and The Rock…and then never watch it again.
Speed 2: Cruise Control
If you ask me, Speed 2 never happened. In my mind, Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock lived happily ever after following the events of the first film. They never broke up, Bullock never started dating "Mr. Charisma" Jason Patric, and she certainly never went on a cruise with homicidal bomber Willem Dafoe. It…never...happened.
5.Blues Brothers 2000
Yeah, this is exactly what we ALL wanted – a Blues Brothers movie without John Belushi but with a way past his prime Dan Aykroyd. Hey, I like John Goodman as much as the next guy (and I suppose I'm grateful he took the spot that could have gone to…*shudder*…Jim Belushi), but this never should have happened. Oh, and adding a cute, lovable orphan to the mix and making him a sort of "unofficial" Blues Brother? How dare you, John Landis. How dare you.
4.Caddyshack 2
Hey, speaking of the way past his prime Dan Aykroyd, he makes an appearance here, too. Weird, huh? So, anyway, here's a scenario for you: you're a big, hotshot Hollywood producer, and you've decided to do a sequel to Caddyshack, arguably one of the greatest American comedies of all time. Unfortunately, you have a couple things going against your favor: The brilliant Ted Knight is dead, Rodney Dangerfield wants nothing to do with it, Bill Murray ain't coming back, and Chevy Chase has apparently decided that he will only return if it's in a clearly bored, uninspired, "I'm just here to get my paycheck" glorified cameo. Oh, and then there's the fact that the entire thing is an incredibly bad idea in the first place. What do you do if you have all these factors going against you? If you answered "hire Jackie Mason as my lead and let him do his schtick for an hour and a half," then apparently you are in fact the brains behind Caddyshack 2. Oh, and you're also a freakin' moron.
3.Halloween 3
As I have stated many times before in this column, I love horror movies. LOVE them. So yes, of course I've seen my fair share of terrible sequels. And don't get me wrong, even despite my love of the genre, I grow just as bored and annoyed with the endless sequels and franchising of horror classics as anyone else. But, I do know one thing. As bad as yet another by-the-numbers retread featuring a famous slasher can be, what's even worse is a sequel that has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the series, and then arrogantly assumes that we, the audience, won't care. I mean, I can do without pretty much any of the Halloween sequels besides Halloween 2 and H20, but I'll take the worst Michael Myers crapfest over a bunch of kids in cheesy monster masks any day. If they had simply re-titled this film and called it anything else, I wouldn't have a problem. Sure, it would still be a crappy movie, but that would be the end of it. Instead, its name makes it the biggest black eye on a franchise that is pretty shaky to begin with. And that's saying something, considering Halloween 8 featured a fight scene between Michael Myers and Busta Rhymes.
2.Bad Boys 2
Fun Fact #1: Did you know that the first Bad Boys film was originally supposed to be a starring vehicle for Dana Carvey and Jon Lovitz? Fun Fact #2: Did you know that as obviously horrible as that would have been, it still would be infinitely preferable to the near-unwatchable mess that is Bad Boys 2? The problem with the second film can definitely be summed up in two words: Michael Bay (and hey, this is coming from a guy who actually likes Armageddon). Bad Boys was Bay's first film, and was actually pretty damn good, probably because he hadn't yet honed his completely over-the-top, in-your-face approach to filmmaking. But by the time the second film rolled around he had a number of huge hits under his belt, didn't really have to answer to anyone anymore, and obviously no longer felt indebted to deliver anything even resembling a coherent story. If you've ever wanted to see two American police officers stage an almost full-scale military assault on Cuba while somehow NOT triggering an international incident as a result, then Bad Boys 2 might be the film for you. You might want to avoid it, however, if you're the type of person who has ever, say, read a book in your life.
1.The Jerk, Too
If you're not familiar with this horrific antichrist of a film, consider yourself lucky. Personally, I think the government should be required to round up every last remaining copy of this film and destroy them, sorta like they did with Traci Lords' porn videos. Sadly, they haven't taken this step yet, and as a result I and at least dozens of other people (that might be low-balling it, but I'm being optimistic) have been unfortunate enough to witness it. Don't bother tracking it down to see how bad it is, just believe me when I tell you that there is not one single moment in the entire film that comes even close to whatever you consider the weakest moment of Steve Martin's original, brilliant The Jerk. And star Mark Blankfield, who took over Martin's role of Navin Johnson, should be legally required to endure a beating from Martin once a year. Maybe that seems harsh, but this is bad. Painfully bad.
Dave Tomlinson
(Dis)Honorable Mentions:
Bad Boys II
This could have been great. Expectations certainly weren't very high, as the first one was a lot of fun, but no one would call it a "great film". So imagine my surprise when they failed to even meet those low expectations with a lame story. The lone saving grace is the hilarious scene when a teenager comes to pick up Marcus' (Martin Lawrence) daughter, so he and Mike (Will Smith) have some fun at the poor nervous boys expense.
Blade: Trinity
Not a bad movie per se… but such a let down after the amazing Blade II. David Goyer should really stick to writing, and leave the directing to others, because his turn behind the camera leads to mixed results to say the least. Toss in Wesley Snips piss poor attitude about not getting enough big star treatment, and we get a forgettable mess instead of what could have been a great closing chapter to the trilogy.
5.Oceans 12
Not so much a movie as a couple buddies filming their European vacation. About half way through you realize that George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Matt Damon were hanging out on a yacht in Europe and just said "Hey, while we're here, we should make a movie." This jumbled mess is so bad, that they're actually making Oceans 13 (which has positive early buzz) to make up for it.
4.Batman & Robin
The definition of cheesy, Joel Schumaker continues his "gay-ification" of the Batman franchise. But even without the inappropriately large cod pieces and constant shots of leather clad man ass you have a pretty lousy flick here. Arnold Schwarezenegger spouts his lame catch phrases, Uma Thruman chews the scenery and George Clooney acts like… well, George Clooney. And of course there is the terrible bastardization of Bane's character. Ugh.
3.Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3: Turtles in Time
I can remember being 10 or 11 when this came out, even then I thought it sucked. The first movie was great, the second was bizarrely entertaining. This one flat out sucked. Props for bringing Casey Jones back in to the mix, but that's about the only redeeming quality I can think of.
2.Superman IV: The Quest for Peace
I wouldn't go so far as to hold the late, great Christopher Reeve solely responsible for destroying the Superman franchise for 20+ years. He did write this worthless movie, and star in it… ok I guess he is responsible. I know it's wrong to speak ill of the dead. But come on, this movie sucked. So bad, that the underrated Superman Returns doesn't even acknowledge this or Superman III as part of continuity.
1.Speed 2: Cruise Control
Ok, I'll cop to it. I've only seen about 20 minutes of this movie on cable. But it's fucking bad. I treat this movie the way Warner Bros. treats the inferior Superman sequels, it doesn't exist. As far as I'm concerned, Jack (Keanu Reeves) and Annie (Sandra Bullock) are still together, and Jason Patric never came into her life. You know you have a bad sequel when even Reeves won't be in it (Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey anyone?)
Owain J. Brimfield
After mulling it over, I decided to exclude straight-to-DVD sequels from this list, as let's face it, everyone expects those to be rubbish. I also leaned towards the sequels that were the most disappointing, as opposed to those that were just plain bad. Unfortunately, some of the following travesties fit into both categories.
Honourable mentions:
Batman & Robin (1997) Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997) Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1970)
5.Saw II (2005)
Saw was a bit of a mixed bag, part gripping psychological thriller and part generic gorenography. The elements didn't mesh as well as they should have, but for the periods the film concentrated on the suspenseful two-hander between Adam and Dr. Gordon, I was certainly kept on the edge of my seat. Sadly for the sequel, Hollywood wheeled in its Franchise-O-Matic and stripped out anything of value, leaving us with this ridiculous excursion into torture-porn.
Everything about Saw II, bar the violent special FX, is woefully inept, from the complete dearth of acting chops on display to the preposterous character motivations. Pop quiz, hotshot: a serial killer noted for his elaborate traps locks you in a booby-trap filled house and invites you to crawl inside an oven; what do you do? To be honest, given the prospect of his featuring any longer in this pitiful movie, I think Tim Burd chose the less painful option. I have a rental copy of Saw III lying around, and hope it will gloss over this tripe in favour of a return to the tension that made the first film so entertaining, but given the recent announcement of two more entries to the series I'm not holding my breath.
4.Ocean's Twelve (2004)
I wasn't a huge fan of the original (that is, the Soderbergh original), but it holds a special place in my heart just for Bernie Mac's "they might as well call it whitejack!" line. However, the casual atmosphere and cast dynamic is pushed to critical overload in this sequel, to the point where everyone involved comes across as smarmy, arrogant and refusing to let the audience in on the jokes. The sequence where Julia Roberts' character actually pretends to be the real Julia Roberts is the most painfully atrocious attempt at self-awareness I think I've ever seen in a movie. And let's be honest, if a film featuring Bruce muthafuggin' Willis in a cameo role still fails to entertain, it should be abandoned as a lost cause (note: don't even mention The Whole Ten Yards).
3.Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith (2005)
I think I can sum this up in one word for anyone who has seen SW:E3-ROTS:
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Lucas, if you're going to muck up the birth of Darth friggin' Vader, there is NO WAY your movie can recover. End of story.
2.Predator 2 (1990)
The prospect of seeing the seven-foot killer alien from the original film turned loose on a major city was simply mouth-watering. The Predator was a complete bad-ass who took down Bill Duke and Jesse ‘the Body' Ventura, not to mention a whole swathe of rainforest, and delivered a hearty butt-whooping to Ahnuld himself. Hell, it took a small thermonuclear device to finally beat the thing. Surely the slaughter would have to be ramped up significantly for the sequel? Watch out, LA!
Sadly, the new Predator turned out to be a lame duck who struggled to finish off Danny Glover. Gigantic killing machine in high-tech wargear versus fat, middle-aged cop? Yeah, that was always going to be a close call - nice work, Stephen Hopkins. Man, it still makes me angry. At least we knew Alien vs Predator was going to be a dud. Predator 2 should have blown us away, and while it's still an enjoyable flick, it tragically failed to live up to its potential. Speaking of which…
1.The Matrix Revolutions (2003)
Never has so much potential been wasted with so little effort. Everyone loved The Matrix - it was vintage sci-fi, entertaining, visually arresting, and pretty darn intelligent; I even had a lecturer at university who used it as an example every time he wanted to illustrate Descartes' mind/body paradox. Not everyone loved The Matrix Reloaded, which still frustrates me - it's a fine, if unspectacular, slab of action/sci-fi, and has a few awesome set-pieces. Admittedly, the appearance of Keanu's sweaty man-cleavage is not going to qualify as one of cinema's greatest sex scenes, but it's only on screen for a few moments.
But absolutely no-one loved The Matrix Revolutions, because it's crap. I'm not going to attempt to defend the Wachowskis' decision to feature over 45 minutes worth of footage that can best be described as "arcade overload" - I love my mindless video games, and even I was bored to tears by the relentless "shoot robots, shoot more robots" scenes that constituted supposedly the pinnacle of human/robot conflict. Nor have I ever had to suppress an inadvertent belly laugh as large as the one that escaped during Trinity's death scene. And nor, crucially, have I been as let down by a sequel as when I left the cinema after watching this. Holy cow, that's poor cinema.
Chad Webb
Honorable Mentions:
--The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006)
--Beyond the Poseidon Adventure (1979)
--Meet the Fockers (2004)
5.Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)
As if anyone thought it couldn't get any worse than Superman III with Richard Pryor, along came The Quest for Peace with one of the most memorably horrible and hilarious villains of all-time….Nuclear Man. Wow was this film bad in a way that you can't even imagine. What is odd is that Christopher Reeve and Gene Hackman return in their respective roles, yet it still sucks. Regardless, the storyline used for this sequel was utterly ridiculous, with Superman pledging to rid the world of nuclear weapons and throwing them into a huge net in space. That's logical. You also have Gene Hackman escaping from prison in an incredibly stupid and preposterous way. The last two Superman sequels with Christopher Reeve are complete piles of trash. Whoever decided that they would be good ideas must have been insane on a level I cannot express. These are the additions to the big Superman DVD box set that fans wish could have been eliminated.
4.Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997)
Let's go back in time to when Mortal Kombat was the coolest game ever. When I was very young, and saw some of my favorite video game characters come to life on screen, I didn't think about the fact that both movies were unmitigated atrocities. I wish someone had slapped me in the face. The first one, I can deal with I guess, but the second is a different story. It is no secret that making a movie based on a video game is by itself a poor idea, but how about a sequel to such a movie? The result is more terrifying than any horror film could ever hope to equal. For those who dislike recasting of characters, you'd go bonkers with this sequel. Robin Shou and Talisa Soto return as Liu Kang and Sonya, but that is it amongst so many meaningless new characters. Where do I start? The characters are absolutely limp and unmoving in every way, the fight scenes made me go to sleep, and the music should be definitely be banned. Since the first film made so much money, it would have been foolish not to attempt a sequel, but when every aspect of that process seems to be going wrong, which must have been the case here, shouldn't you just bury the plan all together?
3.Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989)
The first four films in this series each had their own identity to succeed. The fifth installment attempts to mix many genres, and ultimately fails, fails, and then fails some more. This is a concept that could have resulted in another great triumph for the franchise, but it was totally inexplicable and largely retarded. It begins with an intriguing, then annoying Vulcan villain, who takes the crew hostage, only to lead them to "Eden." The first half of this abomination was perpetual and irrelevant, and that makes it increasingly disastrous. The villain here becomes an ally, and that was kind of creative, but sadly this minute positive is forgettable once the conclusion arrives. This sequel was directed by William Shatner (Captain Kirk), and unfortunately he does not have the touch that Nimoy had. This was the worst in the series by far, and it is basically complete garbage. I like the original crew best, but I pretend this movie was never made at all. The ending was quite bizarre and so shockingly repulsive to endure, as they search for "God" and examine the Eden planet. For some odd reason, this is not what I pictured as Eden, but maybe I am crazy. The setting was a desert, and God turned out to be a "Wizard of Oz" ripoff that shot lightning from his eyes. This is totally worthless, with huge plot holes, a stale script, and the ludicrous song of "Row Row, Row Your Boat" preventing it from being recommended for viewing.
2.The Next Karate Kid (1994)
Further proof that the fourth installment can be much worse than the third is visible again in the Karate Kid franchise. What happens when Ralph Macchio has run his full course as Daniel Larusso? Cast someone else of course, but no, not a guy this time. Let's cast a girl. That girl turns out to be Hilary Swank, who probably hates when interviewers question her about this movie nowadays. It is safe to say that this is not one of the two time Oscar winner's most revered roles. If you are going to use a girl in a martial arts movie, that's ok, but next time hire some writers that are actually half decent. Even Pat Morita as Mr. Miyagi is unwatchable here. Of course one of my pet peeves is when the main characters is a bratty child, and that occurs with enormous success in this final sequel. The villains are laughable, the plot is dreadful, and the fight scenes are the worst they have been in the entire series. Sorry, I have to mention the idiotic monks who can bowl with their eyes closed. Damn I hate this movie.
1.Batman & Robin (1997)
I really don't have to explain in much detail why I selected this as my #1 movie. It has been featured on the Top 5 many times now, and I just can't stand it. Like 2 other entries on my list, this is a fourth installment of a series. For some reason things go way downhill for some franchises once they go that far. Terminator 4 might be next in line for that trend. The main person responsible for this hideous piece of junk which claims to be cinema? Joel Schumacher. He helps with some of the worst casting in history as George Clooney, Uma Thurman, and Arnold Schwarzeneggar. I don't have to say anything else. You all agree with this I am sure. On a side note, I chose avoid using Direct-to-DVD sequels for this Top 5. My entire list would be different, and it wouldn't be near as fun to compile.
Bryan Kristopowitz
Honorable Mentions
Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection (1990)
As much as I love the movies Chuck did before he became a total right wing Christian loonbag (late 70's, the 1980's, early 1990's), this alleged sequel to the awesome 1985 ensemble action movie The Delta Force is just boring. It does have a few good action scenes, some decent Chuck kicking the crap out of people, and John P. Ryan being John P. Ryan, with Billy Drago being the same scumbag he was in Invasion USA (he was the guy Richard Lynch shot in the crotch), but as a whole it just doesn't work. Where's Lee Marvin? Where's Steve James? Where's someone else besides Chuck? That was the great thing about the first flick, the team aspect. No team. Yeah, I know Chuck doesn't need a team (he is Chuck Norris), but it would have been nice to see some other guys there.
Vegas Vacation (1997)
I'm a big Griswolds nerd, and I love Chevy Chase, sure, but this movie is just a mess. It's not as funny as the other three Griswold movies, it doesn't have the same tempo or feel, and is it me or is this movie talking too much to the audience? Wayne Newton was terrible, and even Randy Quaid's great Cousin Eddie character couldn't save it.
The Hills Have Eyes II (2007)
You may have already read my review for this movie, and what I said there is still true several days later. This movie is terrible. I think it's sad that both The Hills Have Eyes II movies are going to go down as two of the worst sequels ever.
5.Dollman vs. Demonic Toys (1993)
Tim Thomerson is back as Brick Bardo, the eight inch alien cop with a big gun, hanging out with the chick from Bad Channels (Nurse Ginger, as played by Melissa Behr), duking it out with the demonic toys from Demonic Toys. This movie should rock. It should be a classic bit of cheesy B-movie mayhem. Dollman blowing away the Baby and the soldier thing and whatever else shows up. And Quiet Riot is on the soundtrack. This should be amazing. But it isn't. At all. There's about a half hour of actual new movie here spliced with a heaping load of "stock" footage from Dollman, Demonic Toys, and Bad Channels, the action scenes are lame, and the pacing, for a movie that is barely 65 minutes, is amazingly dull. A great idea, a great star, but poor execution.
4.The Black Cobra 2/Cobra Nero 2 (1988)
Fred Williamson is back for some reason as Detective Robert Malone, the butt kicking cop from Chicago (in the first flick he was a cop in NYC), sent to the Phillipines to help out Interpol. While there, Malone gets into a series of badly staged fights, lame conversations, and at the end has to save a bunch of children being held hostage in a high rise. The great part about the hostage saving is that Malone breaks out his "special equipment," and I'm not making this up: shiny leather pants. That's what Malone needs to save the kids. This is one of those badly dubbed, crappy Italian action movies that Williamson made one after the other in the 80's. Just pure garbage. But I do encourage everyone to see this flick, the first flick, and the equally awful third flick The Black Cobra 3: The Manila Connection (1990). It's just mind boggling that this character yielded three freaking movies. Did Italians actually go to the cinema to see this stuff?
3.Blade: Trinity (2004)
This is the movie that killed the Blade franchise, and for good reason: it's a piece of garbage. Goyer should have stayed the heck away from the director's chair because, while he may have the writer's knack for coming up with new adventures for Blade to engage in, he doesn't have the director's eye for it. This movie is just a mess. Way too much stuff going on, way too many characters, and I'm not even sure anymore what this movie is supposed to be about. Hannibal King sucks as a character, and while it was nice to see Jessica Biel beating up vampires, was it really necessary? Why isn't this movie just about Blade going head to head with Dracula?
2.Batman & Robin (1997)
This movie is just awful. Too many characters, too much story, too much everything. Ahnold is an interesting choice for Mr. Freeze, but he's wasted here as a camp villain instead of a vicious killer, Uma Thurman is boring as Poison Ivy, Bane is in this movie for no reason that I'm aware of (merchandise?), George Clooney is a terrible Batman (although he is a great Bruce Wayne), Chris O'Donnell is an abomination as Robin, and while Alicia Silverstone tries very hard, she just has nothing to do here as Batgirl. I can't even remember what the "story" is.
1.Nemesis 4: Cry of Angels (1997)
What the hell was Albert Pyun thinking when he made this thing? The first Nemesis is a B-movie classic, with Olivier Gruner kicking cyborg Tim Thomerson and Brion James butt. The second flick, Nemesis 2: Nebula and the third flick Nemesis 3: Prey Harder feature lesbian body builder Sue Price in the Olivier Gruner role running around Africa fighting rebels with a silver Rambo knife with a laser sight or something all the while being chased by a shadow robot thing. That's the second movie. The third movie is all about Price fighting a different cyborg version of Tim Thomerson and his two female cyborg henchpersons, who are busy riding around Africa in a time travel dune buggy for some reason. Now, those two movies are terrible. But the third sequel, Cry of Angels, is mind boggling. Price and her naked male bodybuilder stunt double are in Eastern Europe, having sex with men in cars and having long, boring conversations with the head of Andrew Divoff. That's the basic plot of the movie. The sex scenes are creepier than all hooha, there's no real action to speak of, and the conversations just take forever. That's not an exaggeration. This is the talkiest boring movie you'll ever see. Again, just what the hell was Pyun thinking when he made this? Is this really his "vision"?
Arnold Furious
HM – Rambo III. Jurassic Park 2, Jaws 3-D
5.Starship Troopers 2
I love the original to bits. It's a fine example of how Paul Verhoeven can make something so clichéd and stereotypical and just put enough stuff in there that if you think about it you can totally turn the film on its head. For example, if you think about it, we're the bad guys in Starship Troopers. A meteor hits Earth so we blame it on a bug planet on the other side of the galaxy and mobilize to attack it. I'd love to know what reasoning we have for this but Starship Troopers comes across even better after George W. Bush's assault on Iraq. You've got terrorists in there and we're coming to get them he yelled. Starship Troopers is the same. It's all about perspective. Brilliant film. Very underrated. Starship Troopers 2 was a straight to video effort. Even the names in Starship Troopers 2 were bad. Charlie Soda, Billy Otter or Kipper Tor. Who thinks up this shit? The plot is stupid, the acting is bad and use of violence is for the sake of it. If there's ever been an example of a film totally missing the point, this is it. Well, this and my next selection.
4.Robocop 3
By the time the 3rd Robocop film came out everyone that had been associated with the smart original film, which contained a high degree of spoofery and the tongue was planted firmly in cheek, was gone. Peter Weller had finished with the character after the sequel and Verhoeven didn't stick around for that even. Although they did get Irwin Kershner to make the sequel so it doesn't completely suck. 3 on the other hand was made by Fred Dekker. He's not been allowed to make any films since, thank God. It's a cash cow. Luckily because the film is so woeful, so dreadful in every respect, it didn't even get half its budget back and it killed the franchise. Personality void Robert John Burke took over as Robocop. They even killed off Lewis because actress Nancy Allen would only make this film if her character died. I'm only surprised that we didn't get a Robocop 4 starring Allen as the reanimated Lewis. This film is the shits.
3.Batman & Robin
I used to love the Batman franchise. I even tolerated the continuity destroying Batman Forever because Jim Carrey is so good in that film. Ever since I saw Batman & Robin I've hated Joel Schumacher. His name is dirt in my house. Every time I see one of his films I deliberately pick holes in it. That'll teach you for doing Batman & Robin, you fuck. The script for Batman & Robin is so worthless I could have done a better job myself. There's one scene, as covered by George Sirois, where they let George Clooney actually act. Apart from that it might as well be anyone behind the cowl. Batman plays second fiddle to Ahnolt's Mr Freeze, which he makes a royal mess of, as well as an assortment of sub plots involving Poison Ivy and Batgirl. You'd hope that Nolan's Batman franchise wipes everyone's memory of this total abortion. There's too much going on and none of it is any good. It looks terrible. It's badly directed. It's a disaster. It's also the worst film I ever saw at the cinema. Ah, actually, second worst film.
2.Karate Kid 3
I know people who deny this film even exists. And by association The Next Karate Kid, which is almost as bad. The plot makes no sense compared to the two previous films. Miyagi seems disinterested in Daniel and Ralph Macchio looks like crap. It's supposed to be a year after the original film but Macchio looks a decade older and his face is fat. So much for character acting. At least John Kreese is in KK3 but he has to play second fiddle to Steven Seagal knock off Terry Silver. I didn't see this until last year and quietly skipped over talking about it. I know the Karate Kid isn't exactly high art but KK3 takes the piss.
1.Speed 2
This is the worst film I've ever seen at the cinema. The funny thing is they even got back the two of the three main elements from the first film. Director is still Jan DeBont and one of the stars is still Sandra Bullock. And yet Speed 2 is a total load of toss. It's the only film I've ever wanted to walk out of. Unfortunately it was up Rubery and someone had driven me there. The temptation was to just go and sit in the foyer for an hour or so. Jason Patric is wooden as hell. Willem Dafoe attempts to recreate Dennis Hopper's performance from the first film but fails badly. His camp overacting is a distraction throughout. Sandra Bullock can't seem to repeat her quirky performance from the first film and DeBont is too busy counting his money to notice. What attempts to pass for action is mostly CGI for no good reason. More worryingly, because its water based, DeBont managed to blow $110M on this aquatic turkey, which went on to bring home only $48M at the box office. I'm sad to say I had something to do with it being so high. To be fair to myself and my comrades it was the only movie that wasn't sold out. I was in favour of going to the pub instead. Oh, the worst thing about Speed 2, in terms of utter stupidity, is the sail boat that explodes. Yeah, the SAIL BOAT explodes. There's nothing on it. It's just one of those moments that's so ludicrous it deserves to be mocked. DeBont should be ashamed of himself and Speed 2 is easily the worst sequel I've ever seen.
First off, let's have a round of cyber-applause for Dave Tomlinson and Owain J. Brimfield, two 411-newbies making their Top 5 debuts. Although I can't really get behind Tomlinson's uncalled for shot at the hilarious Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey or Brimfield's harsh treatment of Saw II (wait until he finally watches Saw III…THEN he'll know a bad sequel), I'm always happy to welcome some new blood to the column.
Now, where do you think would be a logical place to go after spending an entire column dissing sequels and explaining how bad they can be? Why, calling for more sequels, of course! I know, I know, it's sick, but I can't help myself. I am a successfully brainwashed movie fan, and so, even though my every fiber knows it's wrong, I still find myself occasionally thinking "wow, that was a good movie…I hope they do a sequel." And something tells me I'm not alone. But I'll find out for sure next week, when hopefully some of my fellow writers will join me for The Top 5 Sequels We'd Like to See.
