I'm Not Gonna Lie... 03.31.07: The Beginning
Posted by Nick Wallander on 03.31.2007
What happens when a blunt, cynical, and sarcastic bastard gets the green light to write a weekly column? You're about to find out. PotC, TMNT, BSG, and other acronyms discussed this week!
I'M NOT GONNA LIE...
The blunt and honest opinions on this week's entertainment news.
I know what you are thinking. Who the hell is this guy and why should I care what he thinks? I'm not gonna lie, those are probably a couple good questions. My name is Nick Wallander and I am going to be bringing you an up front an honest weekly column about the week's happenings in Movie/Television news. I will be blunt. I will be crude. Hell, I will get straight to the point. Hopefully we'll all see eye to eye on some of these stories. However it would be a lot more interesting if we were in disagreement from time to time. So with that, let's get started on a handful of the things you've all been talking about around the water cooler.
"PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: AT WORLD'S END" TRAILER DEBUTED ON THE WEB LAST WEEK
Disney unveiled the trailer for the third installment of "Pirates of the Caribbean" on last Monday evening. I need to be blatantly honest about this from the get go. I was damn lucky I had my box of tissues next to my computer when I watched it for the first time. It was a close call for me, seeing as I was at work.
This movie is going to have a knock out brawl with "Spider-Man 3" for box office supremacy. Needless to say, this summer is a wet dream for a movie fan like me. I may need to take some supplements to keep up with the madness. Now some of the geeks surfing the web from their parents' basements were complaining that the trailer gives away the plot point that they rescue Jack Sparrow. What the hell did they think? Johnny Depp was signed on for it and Jack Sparrow is all over the posters. That was a given, you trolls. Buck up and enjoy the ride.
Speaking of enjoyment, let's talk about the sword fight on the mast of the Black Pearl. Sparrow and Davy Jones look like they are going to have an epic fight scene. It could be Empire Strikes Back-epic, but with real sabers. If the great Captain Jack moments in the trailer are the tip of the iceberg, then tickle me spent before the movie even started. Oh, by the way, you can find that trailer here.
TMNT TOOK HOME LAST WEEK'S BOX OFFICE BY EDGING OUT "300" WITH $25.4 MILLION
Let's all be honest, people. Are you really surprised by this? I asked around and it seems like a lot of people didn't see this one coming. Why not? The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle franchise has survived for over twenty years in several different incarnations and a CGI movie in 2007 was destined for greatness. It is rather simple if you take an objective look at it. Half of you reading this can remember being a kid and having a backpack full of TMNT action figures and one of those nasty plastic Halloween masks featuring your favorite turtle. I know I sure did. Hell, I am still pissed to this day about whichever little bastard stole my Michelangelo figure from the sandbox during recess in the third grade. My point is that nostalgia sells. A new generation of kids has been watching the recent reinvented animated series on Saturday mornings. It isn't often that one generation can relate and share a common interest with another. So what does this all add up to? TMNT is for families AND for all the man-children running about in America. Don't be surprised if this one picks up steam and has a steady audience for a few weeks. I will be seeing it as soon as the crap-ass theater in my backwoods little town decides that it is more worthy than Premonition and Wild Hogs (which it has had for nearly a month now). Check back next week to see how cranky I am about this one.
BATTLESTAR GALACTICA'S SEASON FINALE REVEALED THE IDENTITIES OF FOUR OF THE FINAL FIVE CYLON MODELS
Alright, before you get your panties in a bind, I am going to let you know that the following paragraph is going to be a bit spoiler heavy. So, go ahead and scroll down a bit before you read something you don't want to. Go on, don't be shy. Scroll away. My guess is that you secretly want to know this. I'll get to the real big news about the finale before all that Cylon nonsense. It would appear that Katee Sackhoff is not done with the show like we all assumed she was with Starbuck's demise a few weeks ago. Oh, I totally let out a sigh of relief when she showed up at well. How in the hell were you supposed to beat off to Battlestar without her? Was that the real Starbuck? Do you really care? Didn't think so.
One of the show's biggest mysteries was disclosed when Tigh, Anders, Tyrol, and Tory were all revealed as Cylons. Okay, so they think they are all Cylons. I can only buy this to a certain point. The chatter on the net is that Tigh should be too old to be a Cylon in the first place. That means jack if you ask me. That doesn't mean that the Cylons couldn't have kidnapped the human Tigh in order to create a Cylon in his likeness. Still, none of them make much for sense. If they were Cylons then why were they not activated by the mother ship when they led the rebellion? It doesn't make sense to me why the Cylons would create something that would turn against them. Oh wait. Where have we seen that before? Like it or not, season four is going to be rather compelling. That and you can look forward to turning the TV to mute, light some candles, and spend a romantic three minutes with Starbuck
DAVID DUCHOVNY TOLD IESB.NET THAT THE SECOND "X-FILES" MOVIE COULD COME TOGETHER AS EARLY AS THIS WEEK
Apparently the movie people are in final talks for "The X-Files 2" and it could start shooting in 2008 or earlier. Is this good news? The hell if I know. This might have been a bigger deal back in 2002 when the show had just ended its run on TV. Early rumors about this movie had indicated that it was not going to be focused on the show's mythology. That certainly would seem like it would be easier for casual fans to follow. The "X-files" does have a legitimate chance of creating a movie franchise much like Star Trek managed to do. The main obstacle for this of course is that there may no longer be any interest in the franchise. The first movie was a pretty good outing for a television show that was still in production. A second was bound to eventually happen.
I don't know about all of you, but I personally would like another "X-Files" movie just to get the bad taste of the show's final two seasons from my mouth. If they abandon the idea of super soldiers, overly complicated colonization plans, and Annabeth Gish they could be on to something. Still, this thing will probably end up being an extended episode. I probably shouldn't have bothered to write about it.
7-ELEVEN IS IN TALKS WITH THE PRODUCERS OF "THE SIMPSONS MOVIE" TO CONVERT THEIR STORES INTO KWIK-E-MARTS TO PROMOTE THE MOVIE
This is the most ingenious marketing idea ever. Who wouldn't want to see Apu's image pasted all over the local 7-Eleven? Even better will be if Slurpees will be called Squishees and would have a similar flavor line as reference on "The Simpsons". Try to tell me that you wouldn't go into a 7-Eleven for an official Simpson's Squishy? If done right, 7-Eleven could become a sort of real-life version of the show. How cool is that? Maybe there are better things for a person to get geeked out over, but come on, this has 17 years of television history behind it.
THIS WEEK'S BIT OF LOST LOGIC Get it? Its a pun!
It is inevitable every week that something on "Lost" irks the hell out of me and comes off completely illogical. What was it this week? We got a glimpse into what Nikki and Paulo were about. To be honest, I was surprised a bit by their off-island back story. We already had a con-artist on the island and didn't need two more. That is besides the point. I found it a little convenient that when they showed footage from the first season that Nikki and Paulo happened to be just about everywhere. Good money says that if you go back and watch those episodes you will find that there is no way our two new dead bodies could have been involved in any of those scenes. Some might argue that these new versions of the scenes were shot at different angles, but I just don't buy it.
What really irked me is that when Nikki and Paulo found the Pearl station and plane, they failed to mention it. Let's review why they were even on Flight 815. They stole some diamonds and were heading back to America. These diamonds are utterly worthless on the island. So what do they do when they find a possible way to communicate their way off the island? They keep it a big secret. If they really wanted to get rich it would be in their best interest to tell someone what they found. How classy was it of Paulo to not warn Jack about walking into a trap and that The Others were going to use Michael. It is the seemingly illogical selfishness of these characters that really pisses me off sometimes. Selfish or not, people tend to be smarter in these situations.
DON'T TELL ANYBODY BUT THIS WEEK I WATCHED…
…."The Sureal Life Fame Game" finale. This show is ridiculous. I have watched it several times and am honestly disappointed that it manages to keep finding its way back on my TV. Some of the finale was kind of good though. Who would have thought that Ron Jeremy would get about 25 million hits on Google? I was actually surprised by the seemingly small number of hits for Chyna. If this were eight years ago that crazy bitch would have topped the list. Another thing that came to mind while watching this show was that Tracey Bingham is kind of a petty tramp. Nothing seemed good enough for her. I recall her flipping out one episode because she had to eat a hotdog. To make matters worse, the binge and purging witch won the whole competition. Vanilla Ice was robbed.
SO, I WAS THINKING…
The other day a thought came to my mind. It was something I have thought about before because I am such a geek that I would think of this. When going to a movie on a date or with a significant other, is it really worth your money to miss the movie to make out? You don't need to pay to make out (well, sometimes I hear you have to pay a little extra). Is it wrong of me to rather watch a movie than make out during it? What I want are your thoughts on this. Feel free to email me whether you agree, disagree, or maybe even have a story about this exact situation. Next week I will share some of your responses.
HERE'S THE THING…
This was my first run at this new column. I hope that you all enjoyed some of the topics that I brought up. If you didn't that is okay too. Do I care? I will probably tell you that I don't. The truth however is that every negative bit of feedback sends me into this mode where I curl up in the fetal position while crying on the bathroom floor. Expect more of the same cynical commentary from me next week. Also plan on seeing a couple new features to the column and possibly a few quick hits about some DVDs I planned to watch this weekend.
