Misunderstood Masterpieces: Bedazzled

Posted by Will Helm on 04.03.2007

…or, Little Richard Had It All Wrong

While the Devil has many traditional forms – though I believe George Burns isn't necessarily one of them, one of the more common modern images of Satan is as a HOT CHICK. Usually in the guise of a flirtatious, dangerous temptress – and, also, in a red dress . . . unlike Little Richard's version of the Devil, the HOT CHICK Devil comes to the "aid" of unsuspecting and lovable losers – 99.9% men, though a lesbian version would be interest . . . and probably the plot of a porno – and helps them achieve fame; fortune; or, more likely, the generally female object of their infatuation. Because men in movies are gullible and horny.

In 1967, Dudley Moore and Peter Cook, the legendary British comedy duo, took some elements of this version of making a deal with the Devil to create the film Bedazzled. Unlike the plot outlined above, however, there were two differences: Peter Cook portrayed the Devil and, as is plainly obvious, Peter Cook is not a HOT CHICK. Thirty-three years later, writer-actor-director Harold Ramis – and some of his collaborators – conspired to remedy this oversight as they got together to remake and update Bedazzled for the modern audience. To that end, the Devil had to become a HOT CHICK and a HOT CHICK she became, specifically in the form of model-turned-actress Elizabeth Hurley. So, not only is the Devil now a HOT CHICK, the Devil is also, indubitably – judging by the past two examples, British. Interesting. While remakes have often been lambasted in this very column – and I'm sure I'll find some more films to vent my frustration on in the very near future, does the presence of a HOT CHICK as the Devil raise Bedazzled above the rest . . . or is it just another Misunderstood Masterpiece? Let's find out.

On Earth, lots of people live and, apparently, some are good and some are bad. For specific examples, people in New York City are generally bad – which is an awful stereotype – and people in Vatican City are generally good – another stereotype. Meanwhile, like in the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears, people in San Francisco are just right . . . and Elliot Richards (Brendan Fraser) is among them. Elliot, a pathetic, dopey nerd, lives a life of abject torture manning a cubicle in the middle of some dank, depressive software office. Ooh . . . I wonder if he knows Bill Lumbergh? Elliot, over the course of his day, fields calls from even more dopey customers and annoys his co-workers, including Orlando Jones . . . who was actually in Office Space! I guess he got a job after selling all those copies of Jet magazine. Orlando Jones, apparently, doesn't want to play basketball with Elliot after work . . . mainly because Elliot is white. Actually, not really; Elliot is just really, really off-putting. What a way to make your hero likable, movie!

Elliot later pesters some married guy (Paul Adelstein) about drinking after work and then he shows pictures of his speakers to the "Nobody Beats the Wiz!" guy (Toby Huss). Later that night, even though they all blew him off earlier in the day, Elliot – who doesn't take a hint – meets his coworkers in a bar and he forgives them for all lying to him. Personally, I think they do it for his own good . . . mainly so they don't get drunk and conspire to kill him. I'm sure no one would know . . . and, at this point, the audience may even cheer. Before his colleagues have a chance to put Elliot out of his misery, another coworker – the HOT CHICK object of his office infatuation and (Frances O'Connor) – walks in and Elliot's "buddies" mock his obsession with her. Yeah . . . he's creepy. With his coworkers egging him on, Elliot goes over and introduces himself to the HOT CHICK and tries to play like she knows him, but she's never seen him before. Oops. The HOT CHICK, really kind of perturbed by Elliot's ham-handed introduction, leaves hastily and Elliot, unsurprisingly, is dejected. He's probably also already plotting her demise in his mind as well.

Elliot, in a fit of pique, makes a wish for the HOT CHICK's affections . . . and then Elizabeth Hurley shows up in the form of a cue ball. Well, sort of. The cue ball, in fact, leads Elliot to Ms. Hurley – wearing a red dress and, hence, proving Little Richard wrong after all – and, after some cursory small talk, she – ironically, considering who she is – makes Elliot all hot and bothered. Hilariously, Elizabeth Hurley mocks Elliot's awkwardness – who wouldn't? – but she quells her disdain enough to offer a bit of a chat. In order to do that, she and Elliot go outside, where she and Elliot make out for no particular reason and then she wants to talk business. Uproariously, Elliot thinks Elizabeth Hurley is a hooker – well, she was a fashion model at one point, so I suppose that's close – or a Scientologist by what she has to say. Elizabeth Hurley, quite simply, proposes a deal to Elliot because, even though Elliot doesn't believe her, she's the Devil!

Elliot, surprisingly wisely, refutes the Devil and walks away . . . but she stalks him against his will because she just wants to make him happy. Whoa . . . maybe she is a hooker after all. Then again, hookers usually don't comment on when their clients cry like little girls, which Elliot does . . . in private and unbeknownst to anyone except the Devil. Not that I would know what hookers do, of course. Anyway, the Devil, in order to facilitate her deal, bribes Elliot with some McDonald's product placement and then she drives him all over San Francisco and finally to some creepy club somewhere outside of the city – a club that, apparently, she owns and where everyone knows Elliot . . . although they probably also know just how pathetic he is as well.

After showing Elliot the sights, the Devil takes Elliot to her office in the back of the club and, once there, she proposes a bargain and drops a giant contract on his lap. He shouldn't have felt it, though; I do believe he's already emasculated enough. Anyway, the terms of the contract state that the Devil offers Elliot seven wishes in return for his soul; I think that's the industry standard. No word on whether or not she takes ten percent up front. Anyway, Elliot is recalcitrant, so the Devil shows him alluring videos of the HOT CHICK cavorting on the beach to help convince him . . . and the HOT CHICK is joined by Elliot dressed as Fabio for no particular reason. Elliot, who must have a Fabio fetish tucked away somewhere in his creepy little head, signs the contract and, as an added bonus, the Devil gives him a pager to contact her whenever he need some help or to hit the reset button on his wish.

For his first wish, Elliot wishes to be rich, powerful, and married to the HOT CHICK – which, I suppose, should really be three wishes – and the Devil makes it so . . . as Elliot wakes up in bed next to the HOT CHICK but as an obvious Latino stereotype. At least, to calm Elliot's misgivings, he has a giant, palatial estate to go with his giant mustache. I bet he has fancy plans . . . and pants to match. Elliot, newly hirsute and swarthy, goes downstairs and, much to his amazement, he speaks fairly fluent Spanish to his butler, who is reasonably befuddled by Elliot's bizarre behavior. Honestly, I'm gathering that butlers are really the unwitting victims of bargains with the Devil. It happened last week and it's happening again this week as well. Poor little butlers.

Later that day, Elliot's staff – made up of his real-life coworkers – show him his new stallion . . . but they infer that they don't like his wife very much due to reasons yet unexplained. Hmm . . . quite curious. Actually, the curiosity doesn't last long, as Elliot spies his wife being a little too friendly with some other member of the staff. Yup . . . she's cheating on him. And Elliot, unsurprisingly, wants REVENGE! Eh . . . makes sense to me, although I never thought he had it in him. Elliot, yet later, confronts his wife in their bedroom and she confesses that she's cheating on him because she hates him; unfortunately for Elliot, it seems that the Devil has turned his life into a telenovela. It isn't an exact facsimile, though; there aren't enough nubile women with bulging breast implants. Mexican TV stars must buy those things in bulk.

Before Elliot has a chance to exact his REVENGE against his unfaithful wife and her lover, he's called away by his staff to his "factory" . . . and it seems that he needs a paramilitary force by his side as well. Once at the factory – mysteriously in the middle of the jungle, Elliot confronts some employees who were caught stealing "product" from him . . . and that product is cocaine! Elliot, bemoaning the fact that the Devil has made him a stereotypical Latino drug lord, then faces more trouble as some Russians reveal that they're not happy with him . . . and then his wife's lover shows up to acquire the business in a VERY hostile takeover! Dum-dum-DUM! While his men betray him and a gunfight breaks out, Elliot escapes and hitches a ride on the Russians' helicopter, which is all well and good until Elliot falls off. Oops. Luckily for him, on the way down he has the presence of mind to call the Devil and put an end to this ill-fated wish.

Back in San Francisco, the Devil – dressed as what would be a police officer if the force were made up of ex-strippers – causes car accidents by messing with traffic lights and then Elliot – quite literally – drops by. The Devil, in order to help Elliot in his quest to nail the HOT CHICK, takes him on a little journey . . . to the HOT CHICK's bedroom. While Elliot panics and the Devil reads the HOT CHICK's journal, the HOT CHICK walks in wearing nothing but a towel. Luckily for Elliot, he and the Devil are invisible – Clay Aiken would be proud, so the HOT CHICK can walk around and do disgusting things not knowing that anyone was watching. Or she can just start helping herself out, so to speak . . . but that doesn't happen. Because this isn't a porno. Perverts.

Anyway, all this subterfuge leads to the Devil reading an integral part of the HOT CHICK's diary: the confession that she wants a "sensitive" man. Elliot, seeing an opening to get into the HOT CHICK's – ahem – opening, then wishes to be remade into the most emotionally sensitive man on Earth. Yes, for a nerd, Elliot is very, very dumb . . . but just play along. Hence, Elliot finds himself with the HOT CHICK on the beach somewhere and, while romancing the HOT CHICK – who's now, somehow, a hippie chick – he cries uncontrollably over the sunset. Wait . . . he's not sensitive; he's on methamphetamines. While Sensitive Elliot alternates between rambling and crying, the HOT CHICK states that she wants to have a little talk with Elliot. Elliot, even though he's "sensitive," rudely ignores the HOT CHICK's needs and, instead, he elects to serenade her. Oh no . . . not again!

After Elliot croons about dolphin-safe tuna salad . . . or dolphin salad . . . or just dolphins, he again ignores the HOT CHICK and, instead, he shows off a disturbingly precise sketch of her that he just happened to have done. Oh yeah . . . he's a stalker. Elliot, ramping up the creepy factor – I've heard it goes up to eleven, then begins waxing poetic about the HOT CHICK's hair. Personally, I think it's pretty nondescript; I've seen many, many hippie chicks with long, dirty blonde hair. There's really nothing particularly poetic about it. But whatever floats your boat, Elliot. Unfortunately for Elliot, in the midst of his sonnet, his coworkers – now in a different guise – show up to kick sand on him. Elliot, rather than getting angry, turns into Stuart Smalley, so the HOT CHICK – quite rightly, since Stuart Smalley is the only thing creepier than "sensitive" Elliot – dumps him for all of his coworkers. Ooh . . . she's kinky.

Elliot, dejected with the way his latest wish has turned out, calls the Devil for aid once again and, once she answers, Elliot presciently argues with her because he believes that she's intentionally ruining his wishes so he uses them up quicker. She's a cagey one, that Devil. Or not, as the Devil reacts quite virulently to Elliot's scolding as she confesses that she actually hates being the Devil. Who knew that the Devil suffered from a terrible case of self-loathing? Or not, as the Devil was just busy manipulating the gullible and pathetic Elliot and, once again, it works.

This time, Elliot wishes for fame, specifically in the guise of a basketball player; the Devil obliges and, moments later, Elliot becomes a huge, blonde, white guy. While Elliot dominates a game, the announcers – once again his coworkers in disguise – marvel at and argue about Elliot's size and talent. After a game, some other guy has the unlucky task of interviewing Elliot and Elliot reveals that he's not exactly the brightest bulb in the box as he speaks only in sports clichés. The least he could've done was listen to 99% of hockey captain interviews; at least then he'd say that they've got a good group of guys there and they have a good chance of winning the Cup. Over and over and over again. Anyway, while Elliot spouts off cliché after cliché, he's also hilariously sweaty . . . just because.

After the interview and in the locker room, the HOT CHICK – just with different hair – meets up with Elliot and she requests an "intimate" interview. Elliot assents to her request but he doesn't act on it. Perhaps to get his attention further, the HOT CHICK hits on him repeatedly and almost blatantly but, alarmingly, he doesn't notice. Finally, as the HOT CHICK is disrupting his routine, Elliot elects to get changed with her there . . . and she's quite surprised to find out that some things on his person aren't in proportion. Yes, while Elliot has a lot of talent on the court . . . there isn't very much in his pants. While Elliot rails against his predicament, the HOT CHICK starts spouting off bad puns and then she excuses herself, probably to die of laughter just outside.

Elliot, more than just a little emasculated . . . no pun intended, calls the Devil once again to complain about the outcome of his wish. Instead of actually taking his time to think his next wish through, Elliot jumps right back into the game by wishing to be intelligent, witty, and articulate . . . with a giant schlong. The next thing he knows, Elliot is reinvented in the role of a society playboy who writes books and cracks jokes at a fawning cocktail party. Hey . . . wait; I can do that too, movie! It's not that special. The HOT CHICK, a guest of the hostess, sees Elliot and instantly falls for him so she, logically, introduces herself to him. Unfortunately for her, Elliot – imbued with prodigious wit – doesn't shut up . . . although he does take a pause when the HOT CHICK mentions that secular humanism is "yummy." Well, yes. Yes it is.

Although, while secular humanism may be "yummy," I've always found transcendentalism to be downright sexy. Oh yeah . . . I said it.

On a balcony at the party, Elliot and the HOT CHICK get drunk together and then he romances her with big words . . . but he doesn't shut up long enough to kiss her. Maybe to help cure his particular eloquence, Elliot and the HOT CHICK go back to his place, where they plan on getting to know each other a little better . . . in a carnal sense. Disturbingly, though, before the coitus can commence, Elliot and the HOT CHICK are horrified to find a transvestite in Elliot's bed! OK . . . that I did not see coming. Apparently, Elliot isn't as surprised as he should be as he quickly discerns that, much to his chagrin, the Devil granted his wish but also took the time to make him gay in the process. The HOT CHICK, of course, leaves and, once she's gone, the transvestite bitches at Elliot for no particular reason.

Elliot, yet again, calls the Devil – I'm getting a woeful "lather, rinse, repeat" feeling here – who's busy teaching a class full of horny boys, just because she can. After class, Elliot shows up in the classroom and he and the Devil have an impromptu argument about morality. Elliot, perhaps inspired by the lively debate, wishes to be the President of the United States . . . so the Devil makes him Abraham Lincoln. OK, now that's just getting silly. Simon Luxury Yacht would be proud. Anyway, not only is Elliot now Abraham Lincoln, he's also in the course of taking in a little play at Ford's Theater, with the HOT CHICK by his side. Wow . . . I never knew Mary Todd Lincoln could be so foxy. As is to be expected, John Wilkes Booth shows up but, just before he fires his fatal shot, Elliot calls the Devil YET AGAIN!

Instead of warping right to the Devil's location, Elliot finds himself back at work – oh, I guess he's in Hell now – but, this time, the Devil visits Elliot in the form of a computer virus. She then reveals, to Elliot's surprise, that he only has one wish left; Elliot, astutely if perhaps a bit futilely, argues with the devil because he believes that he's being cheated out of a wish. Instead of making his last wish right then and there, Elliot instead rebels against the Devil and he visits the nearest church. Wow . . . it's like I'm watching Oh, God! You Devil all over again! Next thing you know, James Cromwell is going to show up and try to kidnap Elliot and forcibly exorcise him. Disappointingly, James Cromwell isn't there at all but, instead, it's Monsignor Brian Doyle-Murray. Elliot, at the end of his rope and perhaps his wit as well, explains his situation to the good reverend . . . who responds by having Elliot arrested. Umm . . . OK, then. I never knew confession was a criminal offense. Goes to show what I know.

Not only is confession a criminal offense in the universe of this movie, it's also enough to get Elliot thrown in the lockup . . . mainly because the desk officer thinks he's drunk. I guess the San Francisco Police Department can't afford Breathalyzers. Or it might just be because the Devil is one of the officers on duty. For some reason, while the Devil is busy locking up Elliot, she seems to admit that she has the hots for him. Maybe she's watched one too many episodes of Oz or something. Once in the cell, Elliot has a totally unscripted chat with his cellmate, who turns out to be a very philosophical young black man (Gabriel Casseus). Like Morgan Freeman with cornrows. Anyway, because Elliot is too busy freaking out, his kindly cellmate takes the time to explain the metaphysics of the human soul to him. Elliot, enlightened by his cellmate's pontificating, ponders the meaning of all that for the rest of the evening.

The next day, Elliot goes to the Devil's nightclub, which isn't as fancy as Elliot remembers. The Devil, yet again, wants a little chat while, hilariously, dressed as an angel for Halloween. Oh you cheeky Devil, you. The Devil points out to Elliot that he has to make his last wish because there's a time limit on his contract hidden in the fine print, but Elliot doesn't want to because he was inspired by his pious cellmate. The Devil isn't very happy about that, so she sends Elliot to Hell and turns herself into a giantess . . . in a leopard print bikini. What can I say? The Devil has good taste. Elliot, the subject of the Devil's ire, responds the only way he knows: he just wishes for the HOT CHICK to be happy. Aww.

Somehow, after Elliot says that, everything goes back to normal because, as it turns out, any selfless wish breaks the contract. Dum-dum-DUM! The funny thing is that if Elliot made that wish first, he'd be cheated out of six wishes, so good for him. The Devil, now powerless over Elliot, tells him that she's impressed with him and she also gives him a little pep talk for dealing with his life and the HOT CHICK. Speaking of the HOT CHICK, the next day Elliot meets up with her outside work and introduces himself . . . again. He asks her out on a date but, unfortunately, she's already seeing someone. Wow . . . sucks to be you, Elliot. And he knows it, too, as he takes out his frustrations on his coworkers. He was always a quiet guy, a nice guy . . . until he pulled out that Glock and took out half the office. On his way home, Elliot meets a new neighbor . . . and it's the HOT CHICK's ADD-afflicted twin! Unsurprisingly, she and Elliot fall in love and live happily ever after . . . or something like that.

Bedazzled, in a relative sense, is not a bad movie at all. It's pretty darn entertaining and the cast fares well in the material. It just suffers from a few fatal flaws keeping it from being a great movie. The movie is far too short, both internally and externally. The movie itself is only about ninety minutes, which isn't enough time to really get to know the characters, especially Elliot and the Devil. In addition, internally, the segments aren't really long enough to allow for real hilarity and humor. The first two vignettes seem much longer than the second two – and then there's the pointless Abraham Lincoln interlude – and the basketball segment is just a bunch of in-game action and one "little" joke. In addition, the "lather, rinse, repeat" nature of the film drags it down as well as it gets to be – for lack of a better word – quite repetitive as the film goes on. But, whenever a good film suffers from a handful of flaws keeping it from realizing its potential, it's forever relegated to the status of Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as we find out that the Devil is just like everyone else: he's got family issues. See you then!