The 411 Top 5: Week 55

Posted by Trevor Snyder on 04.06.2007

The Top 5 Sequels We'd Like to See

We've spent the last two weeks talking about the best and worst sequels out there, so naturally there's only thing left to do, right? Talk about sequels that don't even exist!

That's right, because as much as movie fans love to bitch about unnecessary sequels, and the poor quality of most follow-ups in general, the fact remains that there is always going to be that small part of our film-loving brains that is just dying to see the further adventures of our favorite characters. Of course, in most cases, when our wish is granted and we finally get a sequel we proceed to bitch about it and complain about it ever being made in the first place. And yet there we are next week, in line at the theater for yet another sequel. It will never end, so, with that in mind, I figured if we're going to willingly submit to so many of these sequels, we might as well let Hollywood know which ones we actually want to pay money to see. So, without further ado:

THE TOP 5 SEQUELS WE'D LIKE TO SEE



Trevor Snyder

Honorable Mention:

Evil Dead 4

Hey, don't get me wrong – as a proud comic-book nerd, I'm thrilled that Sam Raimi has decided to spend so much of his time and energy creating the greatest comic-book movie series ever. But after nearly six straight years of working on Spiderman, the guy could use a break. And what better way to do so than to gather up his buddies, leave the Hollywood-machine behind for a little while, and go make another low-budget, back-to-basics, kick-ass Evil Dead film. Because let's face it, in this time of international crisis, the world needs heroes like Ash more than ever.


5. Demolition Man 2

Forget the upcoming John Rambo - the Stallone sequel I really want to see is Demolition Man 2. Hell, at least DM2 would be intentionally funny. In my opinion, Demolition Man is an incredibly underrated action/comedy, and my desire for a sequel is such that a few years ago, in a moment of total fanboy nerdiness, I actually started to plan out my very own Demolition Man 2 script. And yes, I even accounted for Stallone's increased age – my sequel picked up years after the first film, showing that the futuristic city of San Angeles has essentially "split" into two halves: one half still resembling the clean, boring utopia it was, and the other half more of an old school, anything-goes ghetto (with Denis Leary's Edgar Friendly character in charge of this section of the city). John Spartan, meanwhile, has actually given up his "Demolition Man" reputation, and has actually grown quite accustomed and comfortable with the more relaxed and idyllic life offered in the future, but must rediscover his inner badass when one of Friendly's rogue associates tries to usher in a new era of lawlessness. OK, so maybe my idea isn't amazingly great or anything, but it's probably just as good as John Rambo will be, and, by the way, probably a lot better than the any other Sandra Bullock movie in recent memory.

4. Galaxy Quest 2

A couple weeks back J.T. jokingly included this on his list of Top 5 Best Sequels, even though it doesn't actually exist. I say let's get the damn thing made and see if J.T. would be right. I'd have high hopes for it, that's for sure. Galaxy Quest was one of the biggest pleasant surprises I ever had at the theater – I went in not really expecting much, and ended up loving it. To this day it remains one of those movies that I can watch every single time it's on and never tire of it. I would love to see the further adventures of Capt. Jason Nesmith and crew. Plus, as an added bonus: any time Tim Allen spends filming Galaxy Quest 2 is time he's not filming a potential Wild Hogs sequel.

3. Snakes on a Sequel

Regular readers know full well that, last year, the 411 crew was a little Snakes on a Plane-crazy. I certainly cant exclude myself from that, as I contributed one of seven(!) reviews to the site when it came out last August. And, like everyone else who spent months looking forward to the film, and then enjoyed it even more than I expected, I was pretty bummed out when it didn't do as well as some were expecting. But, looking back, it's not like it was a huge bomb or anything. In the end, the only problem was that it didn't live up to what we now know were unrealistic, exaggerated expectations. It did turn a small profit in the theater, and I'm sure healthy DVD sales finally made it somewhat of a minor "money-maker." So c'mon, give us a sequel. Of course, the key to a sequel would be to do exactly what people were expecting the first time around. A lot of the audience was expecting SOAP to be a total cheese-fest, and were shocked to find that it was actually kinda good. A potential sequel should be the dumb film people were expecting the first time around, maybe even fashioned into more of a parody of the first film (and its Internet hype). Go as over-the-top as possible: have every character from the first film somehow wind up back together on a cruise ship – it should be a complete coincidence, too. Then have the villainous Eddie Kim use a crop-duster plane to fly over the ship and dumb an ass-load of snakes on it. As for the climax? How about a full-on martial arts battle between Kim and the kick-boxer character from SOAP, complete with use of snakes as impromptu nun-chukas. Hey, if John McClane can have the same thing happen to him on multiple occasions, there's no reason Samuel L. Jackson can't run into mother-f**king snakes more than once.

2. Willard 2

I still consider the remake of Willard to be one of the most criminally underappreciated horror films of the last 10 years. Most of its failure, in my opinion, can be chalked up to it's terrible marketing campaign, which tried to sell it as more of a Nightmare on Elm Street-esque slasher film than the bizarre, off-kilter, Burton/Hitchcockian character piece it really was. The worst part of its subsequent box-office bombing was that star Crispin Glover said at the time that it was one of his favorite characters to play, and that he was definitely up for a sequel if done right. From the end of the first film we know that Willard, who is in an old and dilapidated asylum, still appears to have his strange, telepathic "bond" with rats. I would love to see him using the critters living in the asylum walls to lead a patient uprising.

1. Mad Max: Fury Road

As far as I know, this is the only sequel on my list that was actually close to happening. And I mean close. It had been greenlit with a $100 million budget, director George Miller was ready to roll, Robert Downey Jr. was rumored to be up for the villain role, and Mel Gibson had even signed on – to the tune of $20 million – to once again reprise his iconic role of post-apocalyptic road warrior Max Rockatansky. And then, unfortunately, it all fell apart, all over the security concerns of filming in Africa. Well, that sucks, huh? Especially since the hype at the time was that the script was amazing, and would have more than made up for the disappointment of Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. As a huge fan of the entire trilogy, I would love for one more installment. The good news is, I might get my wish…kinda. Miller is apparently still very keen on making another Mad Max, but unfortunately Gibson appears to have moved on, repeatedly stating that he feels he is now too old to play Max. Whatever. I'm sure Miller and the writers would take Gibson's age into account – in fact, that's exactly what I want them to do. I want to see an older, more grizzled Max; I want to know what became of him after Thunderdome, maybe even see his final moments. And if Gibson is serious about wanting to move away from acting and concentrate on directing, how perfect would it be for his last role to be that of Max, which was the very character that made him famous in the first place. Sadly, we'll probably end up with some newcomer playing Max instead, and while I'll inevitably be interested to see how Miller does with the new film, it won't be anywhere as cool as it could have been if they had got it done when Gibson was still in.



George H. Sirois

5. The Revenge of the Christ

I know this was used as a joke on Family Guy, but after seeing that episode, I saw The Passion of the Christ, and I was amazed at that last scene that Mel Gibson shot. We see the tomb opening, we see the wraps fading away and we see Jesus Christ step into the frame with clean holes through his hands. He walks out of frame and the film fades to black. Don't you see it? Mel was setting it up for a sequel! I just pictured Christ thinking, "Now it's MY turn!"

4. Ghostbusters 3

I'm a big fan of both films, and I'm sure there's at least one more good story in Dan and Harold to write. I know there were talks about the team training a new generation of Ghostbusters – Will Smith and Chris Farley were mentioned in '97; obviously they'd have to look elsewhere now – and I know Bill Murray was never thrilled about doing these. But sooner or later, I have a feeling this will make its way out of development hell and come to life in some way. Just as long as it's not the all-CGI version that was mentioned most recently.

3. Halloween 9

I really doubt this will happen now that Rob Zombie's preparing his version, but considering everything that Michael Myers and this franchise has gone through, there really needed to be one more sequel to put the capper on it. We HAD a capper with H20, but now it looks like after all these years, Busta Rhymes is the one that got the last word. That's just obscene.

2. Police Academy: Their Final Assignment

Just like the Ghostbusters films, here we have a series that is just left hanging. Of course, the quality of these films is nowhere near as good as Ghostbusters, but from 84-94, there have been 7 different stories. There should be one more – kinda like Rocky Balboa – in which the characters we all remember (obviously not David Graf, unfortunately) reunite to ensure Commandant Lassard gets the best possible retirement party. And if this happens, they better bring back Steve Guttenberg. It's not like he's doing much these days.

1. Spider-Man 4

Obviously I haven't seen the third one yet, but considering what's going to happen in it, it seems like this one suffers from the same problem that hurt X-Men: The Last Stand – two storylines in one movie. This one should have ended with Venom's birth and then have that lead into the next film with Venom being the primary villain. I can't even fathom how many fanboy orgasms that would have set off.



Owain J. Brimfield

Honourable mentions:

Eraser 2, The Last Boy Scout 2, and another Firefly movie


5. The Boondock Saints 2

This was actually on the cards for a while, at least until director Troy Duffy was run out of Hollywood for being an unbearable asshole (as documented in 2003's Overnight). It's a real shame the man is such a tool, as his first and only feature was an enjoyable Irish-flavoured action thriller, with a wickedly black sense of humour. Death by falling toilet bowl? Cat gets shot in drunken accident? Willem Defoe as a transvestite, henchman-snogging detective? Awesome stuff. The sequel would feature the McManus brothers and their father Il Duce (Billy Connolly as hitman = inspired casting) on an epic quest to rid Boston of all its scum and villainy, with bloody consequences.

4. Flight Of The Navigator 2

If I'm honest I haven't watched the original in years, but I have very fond memories of it from my childhood. Now that all the old animated Disney films are getting straight-to-DVD sequels, why not Flight of the Navigator? Bring back David Freeman and the coolest spaceship ever seen, Max, says I.

3. Unbreakable 2

M. Night Shyamalan's best film by a considerable distance, Unbreakable is tailor-made to be the start of a franchise, and is one of the best superhero origin movies ever made. Despite Bruce Willis' overly laconic performance, David Dunn is the kind of hero we can root for, the kind of hero we can empathise with, and Sam Jackson's Mr. Glass has gallons of untapped potential as a criminal mastermind. The sequel could see Mr. Glass conducting his elaborate schemes from inside his jail cell, right under the nose of the authorities, with the help of a protégé in the outside world. With all the hype surrounding TV's Heroes, this could be the real deal in the movie world.

2. South Park: Even Bigger, Even Longer & Even More Uncut

The most consistent program on television has already given us the feature-length goods once, and it was an absolute riot. Unlike the forthcoming Simpsons movie debacle, a second South Park outing would undoubtedly maintain the high standards of writing that make the show one of the most outrageously hilarious things on the box. Trey and Matt have proved since that they've lost none of their originality with the cult classic Team America, but SP:EBELEMU (as I choose to abbreviate it) would really be one to write home about. hands up who thinks they should shoot for an NC-17 rating for this one?

1. The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

Hammer & Tongs' version of Hitchhiker's Guide was met with a mixed reception, but I personally thought it was pretty good, combining an eclectic cast with some truly astonishing visuals. It'd be a shame not to utilise the source material further, as the first book is in my opinion the weakest of the "trilogy" (discounting of course the atrocious Mostly Harmless). This has the potential to be THE science fiction franchise for the new millennium, and would be entirely worth it to see God's final message to his creation on screen at the close of the fourth movie (dare I dream?), "So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish".



Dave Tomlinson

Honorable Mentions:

The Transporter

Sure the first 2 are mindless fun. Sure they were just written as vehicles for Jason Statham to show off his martial arts prowess. Sure they barely make sense. But this has "franchise" written all over it. They could always come up with some cheesy reason for him to have to drive some dangerous cargo someplace infested with henchmen in need of a good whoopin'. These movies practically write themselves.

The Last Boy Scout

Owain makes a good point. Damon Wayans and Bruce Willis had the kind of chemistry rarely seen in these buddy movies. Better than Sam Jackson and Bruce in Die Hard 3. This is one of the most underrated action comedies from the 90s and the end leaves the door wide open for a sequel.

Tales From the Crypt Presents: Demon Knight

Another movie tailor made to be a franchise. Not only does it have a kick ass story and some great demon death scenes, it's the only time I've ever enjoyed a Billy Zane performance. Anyway, whats going on with the remaining 12 keys? Can the forces of light pull them out of the darkness? Lets find out!


5. Unbreakable

Boo to all those who say that no good superheroes have been created since the golden age of comics back in the 40's and 60's. An amazing origin story is told here, creating not only a superhero for the new millennium but giving him a nemesis that isn't just a cartoon character given human form. One can only hope that Mr. Glass (and really, have you ever heard a better supervillain name?) is plotting his revenge in prison, on how to make trouble for reluctant hero David Dunn (needs a good superhero name, I don't know if Unbreakable counts).

4. Uncle Buck

This may sound odd, but I always wanted to see the further adventures of Buck Russel. The tragic death of John Candy means we won't, but I'll always remember this as my favorite of his movies.

3. Last Man Standing

Wow, Bruce Willis is showing up on my list way too much. This is actually a remake of a Japanese samurai movie, the title of which escapes me right now (Yojimbo maybe?). Anyway, John Smith from ‘back east' is a character that's so good you could actually get a TV show out of this. But I'll settle for a sequel if it's him blowing into another town and kicking some ass before leaving again.

2. Star Wars

That's right, I liked the three prequels. That's right, all three. Now I want to see the last three movies that have been rumored for years. I'm a big fan of the books and comics that take place after Return of the Jedi, so it seems like this would be a natural. And who doesn't want to see Luke's new Jedi academy and new light saber duels?

1. Serenity

As Firefly was canceled before its time, this is the last chance to see what the future holds in store for Mal and the crew. Is River the new pilot? What about Mal and Inara? How is Zoe holding up after Wash's death? And let's not forget that the federation may be coming apart at the seams after the revelation about the Reavers. If you didn't understand any of that go out and get the Firefly and Serenity DVDs and watch them. Then tell me you don't want to see more.



Jason Chamberlain

Honourable Mentions:

Ghostbusters 3 and Mallrats 2 (or any movie with Jason Lee's Brodie as the central character)


5. Daredevil 2

I liked Daredevil. I liked it when I saw it in the theatre, when I got it on DVD and again when I saw the director's cut. Ben Affleck was good as DD, Jennifer Garner may not have been perfect casting as Elektra but I've always thought she was smokin' so I could forgive that and Colin Farrell was perfection as Bullseye. On top of that the movie made a fair amount of money (and helped launch a little band called Evanescence into the stratosphere with its soundtrack). And you know what? Whenever I read news reports on the upcoming comic adaptations, there is NOTHING on DD 2. Not a thing. No rumours, no plans, not even a passing mention of why the movie isn't happening. Heck, I've heard of a possible Ant Man feature, but no sequel for Horn Head. Who knows, maybe Affleck doesn't want to don the tights again. Who cares! Recast, because there are plenty of great stories left to adapt in the DD canon.

4. Star Wars

I'm not talking about Episode 7, I'm happy with the completed story of the six film saga. I'll just be disappointed if no new Star Wars stories ever find their way onto a movie screen. This universe is so rich with storytelling potential that it would be a crime if it was never seen again on the big screen. I don't expect George Lucas to spend the rest of his life on Star Wars. Just outsource the work to one of a gazillion creative minds that are enamoured with the universe and let them run loose. Maybe a movie set in the time period of the old republic, when both Jedi and Sith numbered in the thousands. Just think of a giant battlefield with lightsabers and limbs flying everywhere! I'm looking forward to the oncoming TV shows, but let's face it: Star Wars is too big for the small screen!

3. The Princess Bride 2

This movie exists in a fantasy world where Andre the Giant would be alive to be a part of it. Let's face it, there's no Princess Bride without Fezzik himself. It's just that the original movie is so much fun it's hard not to want another. Maybe the follow-up could have picked up with Inigo Montoya settling into a new career as the Dread Pirate Roberts. We all know how successful a well made pirate movie can be! The universe that was created in Princess Bride is even more whimsical and fun than the one in the awesome Pirates of the Caribbean movies! I suppose if they made the movie today it could feature an older Inigo preparing to pass on the mantle of Dread Pirate Roberts to someone else, perhaps first going on one last adventure with his old friend Wesley? Put Buttercup in danger, perhaps because of a Prince (now King) Humperdink revenge plot, throw in a Cliffs of Insanity cameo and I am in! And as a nice nod to the first movie, have an older Fred Savage read the story to his son.

2. Serenity 2

I'm a Joss Whedon nut, although I wouldn't call myself one of the truly devout browncoats. Still, the first movie, which exists solely thanks to the determination of Joss and the aforementioned browncoats, did a fantastic job of continuing (and in some cases wrapping up) the story of the woefully cancelled TV show while creating an accessible and fun as hell space action movie for moviegoers in general. Joss is nothing if not an ideas man and don't think for a second that he doesn't have a Serenity sequel ready to go.... in his head. If I had the clout and the cash, I'd give Joss whatever he needed to tell us more stories of the good ship Serenity and her crew. And honestly, who doesn't want to see more of Malcolm Reynolds? For my money he's one of the best straight up action hero characters since Indiana Jones.

1. Big Trouble In Little China 2

There's nothing I want to see more than a sequel to my personal favourite John Carpenter movie. The 1986 original featured Kurt Russell as windbag truck driver Jack Burton who was comically useless in a fight, as he teamed up with his surprisingly lethal sidekick Wang Chi to battle the mystical evils of San Francisco's Chinatown. This movie had some great action, cool effects, campy performances, a cool story and the friggin Pork Chop Express! The ending, with Jack unknowingly towing away one of the evil Lo Pan's demon slaves seemed to scream sequel, but it never happened. Now Kurt Russell is a lot older and probably wouldn't want to do it, so why not reach a Ghostbusters 3-esque compromise and do it CGI? It's a new realm for Carpenter to explore, Russell could lend his voice, and to be honest I think the tone and style of the original lends itself to a CGI follow up as much if not more so than Ghostbusters.



Chad Webb

Honorable Mentions:

--Inside Man 2
--Wallace and Gromit 2
--Happy Gilmore 2


5. Ace Ventura 3

I have always been a big fan of Jim Carrey's work, both serious and comical. If any one of his films deserved another sequel, it is the Ace Ventura character. Personally, I loved both of these movies, as stupid and preposterous as they might be. As a matter of fact, I enjoyed the sequel a bit more. At least, I know I laughed more. The shadow puppet scene is still hysterical. Carrey has moved on with his career, and would probably never return to this zany pet detective, but I would love to see Ace investigate another case at some point down the road. If you look at his resume Carrey is not fond of doing sequels. Actually, I can't think of any other sequel he completed off hand. It is has been over 10 years since we last saw Ace. I'm still trying to erase the maddening cartoon from my memory. I just hope Hollywood doesn't get some annoying young kid to star as Ace in a Direct-to-DVD release, or :shudder: something as horrible as Dumb and Dumberer.

4. Serenity 2

A lot of other people have included this on their Top 5 lists, so I won't write a lot, but the fact is that it is a crime that Serenity will most likely not receive the sequel treatment anytime soon. Joss Whedon, the writer and director of the film and TV series Firefly made a statement recently where he said he was not, and would not be working on anything new. That is a shame because I enjoyed this sci-fi universe much more than the new Star Wars prequels. What is most bothersome about the situation is how good this series could have become if the story continued and sequels were given the greenlight. I didn't see Serenity until it arrived on DVD, but I was amazed at how brilliant it really was. We'll have to pray for this one.

3. Beavis and Butthead Do Europe (or somewhere else)

I was not ready for Beavis and Butthead to disappear. At this point, with so many adult themed cartoons on the air, I would not want to see any new episodes, but I would like a new movie. I keep waiting for that surprise, but I feel I will be waiting for a long time. These are two of the most influential and overall best cartoon characters in history, and another movie would make millions. I remember a fake press conference years ago where the two came on MTV and stated that no new episodes, but only re-runs would be shown. I thought they also said something about a second movie in the works, but apparently that idea was trashed if it was ever true ata all. I have all three volumes of the television series, the movie, and the soundtracks. It's safe to say I'm a bit of a fanatic. Maybe one day Mike Judge will choose to retrieve them from his vault, but until that day comes, we can only cross our fingers.

2. Dick Tracy 2

I don't have to say how popular comic book franchises are these days. Everyone loves them (for the most part), and they make loads of money at the box office. One that no one discusses anymore is Dick Tracy. I know, it was a comic strip, but you get the idea. This film is horribly underrated, and deserves another installment. If Fantastic Four can get one, this should have too. I think maybe 1990 was the wrong time for it to be released. If a new film was going to be made, they have the choice of several different storylines, and countless numbers of unused allies and villains. Warren Beatty starred in and directed this film, and he was perfect for the role. The all-star cast was superb as well. I heard rumors at one point that he tried to get a sequel made, but I have not really read anything concrete about that. I have no doubt the time has passed for a sequel now, mainly because I am sure Beatty would never take the risk of another one. He doesn't do much these days anyway. However, never say never, and if someone out there does want to unearth Tracy again, I would welcome it.

1. Escape from Earth

I think at one point I talked about how I didn't like the idea of this sequel. After reading the infuriating news that Gerard Butler will be acting in a prequel as Snake Plissken, I have changed my mind completely. John Carpenter needs to give fans the final chapter of this saga (now more than ever), but only if Kurt Russell can be in it. He can still play the part. I don't care what anyone says. After the under appreciated Escape from L.A. tanked at the box office, the proposal of this sequel was quickly abandoned. It is a shame that this genuinely promising project was dismissed. Why now though is a prequel with a totally different star going to be rushed into production? I realize of course that a final chapter (with the correct cast and crew) will never happen. I guess Carpenter likes to watch his classics get remade, instead of doing anything new himself (Pyschopath doesn't count). People who are not familiar with the character need to understand that Kurt Russell is the one and only Snake, and that John Carpenter is the sole filmmaker that can make a good movie about any of his adventures.



Bryan Kristopowitz

Honorable Mentions

Escape from Earth

Much like Chad, I don't think the proposed Escape From New York remake with Gerard Butler as Snake Plissken is a good idea. It's probably going to happen, and we'll all have to deal with it if and when it comes out. Much like Chad, though, I think John Carpenter should be allowed to do a proper second sequel to his EFNY, what has been called Escape From Earth. No one seems to know what exactly this proposed movie is really about but, yeah, this movie should happen, with Kurt Russell as Plissken, way before anyone decides to do a remake. If George A. Romero can get Land of the Dead made twenty years after Day of the Dead, why can't Carpenter and Russell get one more chance to make cinematic history before Snake is turned into a hip and edgy whatever?

John Carpenter's Vampires (1998)

I'm a total nerd for this movie and for James Woods as Jack Crow (the soundtrack is great, too). Carpenter talked about a direct sequel to this movie for a little while after it came out, but I guess Sony decided it didn't want to pony up the proper cash and instead had Carpenter produce the Bon Jovi starring Vampires: Los Muertos, directed by Carpenter buddy Tommy Lee Wallace, all for about ten dollars. V:LM probably could have been a good movie if it had a bigger budget or a better director but, really, that should not be the sequel or anything to Carpenter's movie. I want to see Jack Crow and Father Adam on the hunt, three days after allowing Montoya and Katrina to run away. I want to see Crow in Mexico taking down vampires.

Armed & Dangerous (1986)

Who wouldn't want to see Frank Dooley, recently reinstated to the police department (in plain clothes), teaming up with new detective and former lawyer Norman Kane? I don't know what they'd do, what they would investigate or get involved with, but I know it would be a hoot. It will never happen, obviously. John Candy, who played Dooley, died 13 years ago. Eugene Levy, who played Kane, is still around, laughing it up, so on that end it could happen. But who could play Dooley like Candy? No one. It's too bad. It would have been great.


5. Heartbreak Ridge (1986)

I'm in a very small minority on this, but I think this is Clint Eastwood's best movie. Gunny Sgt. Tom Highway is one of the best bad asses in movie history, but he obviously also had a complicated, emotional side to him that he couldn't express with his ex-wife. That's why the marriage ended in the first place. At the end of Ridge, Highway got back together with his ex-wife and retired from the Marines, sort of walking off into the sunset with his lady love. Now, imagine Highway in retirement, puttering around the house and all that, still trying to get used to the domestic whatever, still trying to get along with his no longer ex wife, and then watching the war in Iraq or Afghanistan on television and wanting to "re-enlist." I bet Clint could pull it off, both in front of the camera and behind it.

4. Tango & Cash (1989)

Ray Tango (Sylvester Stallone) and Gabriel Cash (Kurt Russell) are back, and this time they're family! Cash is married to Tango's sister Kate (Teri Hatcher. It would probably cost a fortune to get her back but she'd be worth it) and is in the middle of a big case when Tango, now a captain, gets involved for some reason. Or something like that. Stallone and Russell were a great team, and I'm sure that they'd hit it off again. The Rush Hour movies are okay, and the two Bad Boys were decent for what they were, but they're not Tango & Cash. And, hey, did any of those guys ever have exploding bazooka boots? Yeah, I didn't think so.

3. Ghosts of Mars (2001)

Man, oh, man, lots of people don't like this movie. I know Ice Cube (James "Desolation" Williams) doesn't like it, and from what I've read John Carpenter isn't too fond of it, for whatever reason. I think the movie is fine entertainment, an almost perfect movie that gets away with all kinds of plot hole craziness because of its "told in flashback" style. The last we saw Desolation Williams and Lt. Melanie Ballard (Natasha "yummy" Henstridge) they were walking into battle, holding silver machine guns, Williams looking directly at the camera and Ballard cocking the machine gun like a lunatic. Did they ever make it off Mars? That would be the whole movie, them getting off Mars and not getting "infected" or "possessed" by the ancient Martian ghost dust.

2. Brain Donors (1992)

Roland T. Flakfizer (John Turturro), Rocco Melonchek (Mel Smith), and Jacques (Bob Nelson), an ambulance chasing lawyer, a disgruntled lunatic cab driver, and a weirdo who can pull anything (and I mean anything) out of his trenchcoat, are the reincarnation of the Marx Brothers. Well, in essence, anyway. The trio's first adventure, where they try to run a ballet company, is a lost early 1990's comedy classic, a hilarious bit of stupidity (and I mean that with all respect) that should have had a sequel (actually, we should have had like ten of these things by now). Imagine these three "morons" running a fat camp, or running a political campaign (Jacques for President! or town mayor, whatever the budget allows), or, well, doing anything. It would be a hoot. "Know dogs? I used to be a chef in a Korean restaurant." We need more movies with more lines like that.

1. Cobra (1986)

Oh, yeah, it should happen. Stallone is doing another Rambo, he's already done another Rocky, so why not do another Cobra? I've already written about this in my column (second issue), but I've always thought that Cobra felt like a sequel to a movie that was never made. There's stuff in that movie that beg for further exploration and explanation. What exactly is "The Zombie Squad," and why does it have that name? And what exactly did Gonzales mean when he said that Cobra was "The Bottom Line"? I'd love to see an actual Cobra trilogy, where the first movie (and this would all be period stuff, set in the late 1970's, very early 1980's) would deal with the "rampant crime" in LA and the formation of the Zombie Squad to deal with it. Cobra in this movie would be a secondary character, a young guy (played by a young actor who looks like Stallone) brought in to team up with whoever the old, grizzled guy is. Cobra would be the "sequel," and the third movie would start with the ending of Cobra, with Stallone and Brigitte Nielson on the motorcycle and then wham! Remnants of the Night Slasher cult blow up the motorcycle, kill Brigitte, and almost kill Stallone. A few years pass, and Cobra, retired, is brought back to battle with a new crime wave, all the while still dealing with the death of Brigitte. Bring back Art LaFleur, Reni Santoni, and Andrew Robinson, too. I'm telling you all, it would be amazing.

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Wow, calls for sequels to Demolition Man, Cobra AND Tango & Cash? Looks like Stallone's recent sequel-crazy attitude wasn't so misguided afterall. But let's keep it a little under control, shall we? If we get the guy too excited we might end up with something like Stop, Or My Mom Will Shoot Again. And that wouldn't be good news for anybody.

So, where do we go from here? Well, after three weeks of looking at second installments, how about we delve into the world of second-fiddles. Ouch, a terrible analogy, I know. So forget the whole being clever thing: next week's topic will be The Top 5 Movie Sidekicks. See you in seven.