Things I ponder while K-Fed reaps in millions of dollars for being less of a douche than Britney...
1. Please allow me a moment while I climb the oft-traveled ramp that inevitably leads to the top of the soapbox. I'm a little on the short side, so it will have double benefit for me. The soapbox discussion this week is one you've heard many times before and one you will continue to hear until Hollywood gets their collective heads out of their collective anal cavities. I speak of Hollywood's obsession with remakes, sequels and prequels. Actually, I am going to narrow it down even further.
I can understand the making of crappy sequels and prequels. There will always be a built in audience for a franchise. No matter how many sequels of questionable quality are made for the Friday the 13th series, I will see every one. Same with the Scream and Rocky franchises. It's plain and simple brand loyalty. I'm sure someone out there even purchased the straight to DVD American Pie: The Naked Mile. Personally, I don't know this person, but if you do, you'd be well within your rights to give this person a neck punch just on general principle. But, I digress. Sequels and prequels, no matter how inane and utterly eyeball gougingly terrible they are, make sense to me.
I can understand making movies out of books, comic books and old TV shows. Books and comic books are no brainers. Fans of these mediums want to see what their heroes look like on the big screen with a big time special effects budget. TV shows, while sometimes silly, have just enough draw to create an easy moneymaker. Throw in a little creativity like making an animated series live action (Scooby Doo, Josie and the Pussycats), or updating an old show to modern day (The Brady Bunch, Dukes of Hazzard). That's a quick moneymaker, though it may not be creatively fulfilling or very original.
I can even understand remaking some of the old movies. We have technology today that would allow for better visual effects to more properly tell the story. I thought the House on Haunted Hill remake was excellent and just different enough from the original to justify its existence. It was also a film that benefited from modern special effects. Not to mention, the previous film was 40 years old at the time of the remake.
Unfortunately for every remake that deserves to exist there are 40 that do not. Some films don't need to be remade because they are fine the way they are. You know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Psycho, The Amityville Horror, The Bad News Bears, Carrie, and I could go on and on. These films were perfectly fine the first time around. Remaking them is just a sign of some fanboy who can't come up with his own ideas so he steals something from someone else and convinces some executive of questionable intelligence that it's a good idea to make these films again.
What could possibly justify remaking Revenge of the Nerds? That movie can to this day hold its ground in the comedy genre. There's no need for a remake. If I want to see Revenge of the Nerds I'll pop in the DVD. I don't need to watch some second rate Booger or a manly Lamar foully stinking up the screen. So when the remakes of Teen Wolf, Poltergeist and Halloween hit the theaters, I implore you – just grab the original DVD (If you don't have it, go buy it. You can buy the DVD for less than the cost of seeing a movie) and toss it in your DVD player. It's bound to be a thousand times better than what you would see on the big screen. Maybe Hollywood would get the picture. Yeah, probably not.
2. Note to Halle Berry: While I appreciate the fact that you came out this week and admitted to your pot smoking ways from high school, I think the world would appreciate it more if you apologized for wasting that incredible sex scene on Billy Bob Thornton.
3. I happen to stumble into an episode of Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?. The questions were of a moderate level of difficulty – the kind of thing you'd forget right after the test. For example: How many angles in a scalene triangle are the same? The show even stumped me once with: What is the most common first name amongst American Presidents?
Seriously, Mr. Foxworthy, you don't have to get that complicated. In the spirit of the show, ask the simplest questions you can. I think you'd be surprised at what people don't know.
I live in a college town. A town where the university is a major Big Ten affiliated school. One day in a local bar some friends and I could not remember who wrote To Kill a Mockingbird. So we gathered a few alcoholic beverages and offered them to the first person that could answer. Deciding we wanted to fool them into a false sense of security, we decided to give them an extremely easy nobody-can-miss buffer question before popping the literature one on them. We decided this question should be ‘Who won the Civil War?' Roughly a third of them never made it to the Mockingbird question because they couldn't get that one right. These are college kids, people.
The show would be much more entertaining if they just randomly grabbed someone off the street and gave them a basic fifth grade test. You'd be surprised at what the masses don't know.
4. Sitting in front of a scanner for 8 to 10 hours a day for my day job gets pretty boring sometimes. So to fight this boredom, I fill my ipod with podcasts of varying quality. Now I like a variety of things from paranormal (tons of podcasts) to retro (a few podcasts) to American History (very little in the way of podcasting). As I mentioned before some of these shows just suck, but I usually give them the benefit of listening all the way through one or two shows. Unless they do some stupid voice.
Podcasters, why do you feel you need to do some silly voice? I know you want to be entertaining and you want to be funny. The only person who was ever funny because of raising their voice three octaves and making funny noises is Curly from the Three Stooges. I have yet to hear a one of you say "Hey Moe!" or "Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk!" If you do, maybe I'll stick around instead of hitting the NEXT button.
Also, drawing your words out into a whisper is not funny, but annoying. If I hear this on a podcast again, I am going to find this person and pay someone in his/her area to perform the rare neck punch and run.
5. Is it just me or is anyone else deeply creeped out by the Fandango puppets at the beginning of the previews at the movie theater? Sometimes I lie in bed and think I hear them scuffling around on the floor of my bedroom. These are the creepiest adverts since the singing rat things for Quiznos. Still haven't gone into a Quiznos since those little guys.
6. Why do sports figures in all major sports get fined for criticizing the referees/umpires? It seems to me that like the players in question, the referees are professionals and if they make questionable calls, should get called out on it. More than once questionable officiating has determined championship matches. I give you game five of last years NBA Finals and Super Bowl XL as recent examples.
Even the sportscasters and writers seem to give the referees a bye more often than they should. They chalk it up as "part of the game, get over it". And these are the guys who get paid to rip every part of every game.
I understand the refs and umps are only human. Being part of this particular species, they are prone to mistakes just as the rest of us. I have no problem with that. If you miss a call, you miss a call, plain and simple. My problem is why is Mark Cuban getting fined $250,000 for calling them out on it. Why is it a minimum of $5,000 to criticize a ref's call in the NFL?
Every man should have the right to offer his opinion without having to pay thousands of dollars to do so.
7. King of the Hill quietly carving itself a reputation for being one of the best shows of the last ten years? Ten years and no drop in quality. It may play second fiddle to The Simpsons, South Park and The Family Guy but unlike those shows it is very rare to see a bad King of the Hill episode.
8. For the first time in my life I went into a comic book store a few weeks ago and bought comics. Damn Joss Whedon. While I enjoy the continuing saga of Buffy and the Scoobies, I have to tell you that I am a little skeptical about whether it will work in comic book form.
Not that it won't be successful. There are enough mindless Buffy zombies like myself out there that will probably buy every issue. The first issue was a feel good one because we're just happy to get caught up with our old friends from the series. The real judgment of this idea will come later in the issues.
I question the format because it seems to me that Joss should have had more options. The show itself wasn't cancelled, but ended because "it was time for it to end" (read: Sarah Michelle Gellar would rather play lead roles in mediocre horror movies than continue playing Buffy). There has been interest from networks for more from the Buffyverse. Rumors still fly about Spike movies, Faith spinoffs and a Ripper spinoff.
The show, at this point, does not need Buffy to continue. I am sure some network like FX or Sci-Fi would love to pick up a show about one of the now 1500 slayers with some of the old supporting cast popping in and out until a new cast finds their place in the Buffyverse. Buffy has acquired enough of a loyal following to produce enough ratings to be one of the top two or three shows on some cable network.
Then again, that was probably the same argument for Star Trek: Enterprise.
9. In case you were wondering:
a. A scalene triangle has no angles or sides that are the same
b. James is the most common name amongst US Presidents (Madison, Monroe, Polk, Buchanan,
Garfield and Carter)
c. Harper Lee won a Pulitzer Prize in 1961 for To Kill a Mockingbird
d. The Union (aka The North) won the Civil War
10. I am not one of the 37 million people who watch American Idol. I have never seen a minute of any season. The only way I know anything about the show is I am a daily listener to The Tony Kornheiser Show podcast. Tony loves the show and is more than happy to rant on about it for a third of his radio show's allotted time. What does Tony rant about? What do you think? He rants about the anomaly and unstoppable whirlwind known only as Sanjaya. Well, that and about how some chick dresses real trashy because she can't sing and that's the only way she can get votes.
As I have said, I don't watch the show, so I am not going to pretend like I know anything about Hurricane Sanjaya's personality. I have to assume that he had no clue that he would catch on like he has, but the kid has put himself in a pretty impressive position for the short term. I know he can't sing (I did see a clip somewhere of him butchering You Really Got Me that made me happy that I was not near any sharp objects, for if I had been, I would have surely punctured both eardrums with it) but he doesn't have to be able to.
He is on the mind of America. People are starving themselves to get him booted from the show. If he doesn't win, some studio will see the short-term dollar signs, throw him in a studio and enhance the ever living Hades out of his voice. Just add water and whala! Instant pop star. It worked for Britney. I guarantee you she is no better singer than he is but yet people would pay thousands of dollars for a glimpse of one of her asshairs. Come on, you don't have to have talent to be famous! As long as you are somewhat attractive, that's all you need.
If you don't think believe me, think about this. I haven't watched one second of American Idol in the five or six years it has been on. I know of exactly one person who has been on the show; Kelly Clarkson. Now I know Sanjaya. Thirty Seven Million people watch American Idol. Three times that knows of the impending doom that is Sanjaya.
It's coming, America. Stock up on canned goods and bottled water, my friends.
11. At the behest of a lady friend, I purchased a CD by the Irish super group Celtic Woman. Yes, I turned in my testicles right away.
12. Get out your Ray-Bans, throw on your stone washed jeans and pop in some Duran Duran because its time to get RETRO. The ghosts have turned blue and there's a plethora of various fruit lying around.
a. I was never a big Transformers guy. Sure, they were cool, but I just didn't have the time or the money to collect them. I think I had a couple of Insecticons, a few Dinobots and the entire set of Constructicons. Oh, and the blue and purple airplane – whatever that dude's name was. However, seeing the previews for the new Transformers movie – I think I have to go see this.
b. A friend of mine's 13-year-old daughter didn't know what a Smurf was. That hurt my soul.
c. Anybody remember Shirt Tales? Before the Angus beef, handing out these toys was the only reason I allowed Hardees to exist in my mind.
d. Has there been new technology in the Easter egg coloring department? I remember that besides dying eggs, you could boil these shrinky-dink like plastic scenes on them. There has to be more stuff you can do to a hard-boiled egg, right? Doesn't matter, everyone knows that actually dying the eggs is the way to go. Oh PAAS, how you have touched me.
e. I'm in the process of picking upThe Monster Squad on DVD *(subject to change). I know this makes me a king amongst men. Fret not, for I will be a king of the people.
13. I've made a decision. Billy Bob Thornton has sold his soul to the devil. He's had the aforementioned hot sex scene with a naked Halle Berry. He had a real life marriage to the incomparable Angelina Jolie. He has made millions of dollars half-assing his way through the same character in every movie he's ever been in (with the exception of Sling Blade. He is a cousin of Terry Funk. All this despite having very little actual talent. I believe that's ground for soul selling.
Welcome to the club that also includes Jay Leno, Ben Affleck and David Arquette. Coming Soon: Sanjaya.
14. Three reviews of three random DVDs from my DVD collection:
a. Secret Windows -- Johnny Depp performing a Stephen King short story? How could this go wrong? Well, it doesn't. It's a solid movie with great performances from Depp and John Turturro. The only thing that takes away from the film is near the end when the director tries to get fancy with the going through the mirror shot. If you don't watch the special feature interview, you have no idea what's going on. A good movie though there are better Depp, King and Turturro movies out there. 3.25/5
b. Cursed-- This movie is trying to recapture the magic between Wes Craven and Kevin Williamson, the team that bought you Scream. This time Christina Ricci is the brunette in distress. The werewolf story is told well in true Williamson fashion with red herrings and even his patented aging star from Happy Days. Some non-actor bits and misplaced comedy hurt this one a bit. I liked it, but I can see why others did not. 2.75/5
c. Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children -- Let me just say that the animation for this film is magnificent. The story is okay, nothing spectacular. This really is made for fans of Final Fantasy VII. If you've never played the game, you would be lost. Other than Cloud, Tifa and Sephiroth, the other characters make only cameo appearances, though they do use they're signature moves from the game. You really have to be a fan to watch this. If you're a fan, 3/5. If not, 1/5.
15. Raise your hand if you have seen the new Alanis Morrissette video. If you haven't, you need to go to youtube or Google Video, or wherever right now and check it out. It's okay, I'll wait.
Unfortunately until this video, Alanis hadn't done anything worthwhile since Jagged Little Pill. Despite the greatness of that album, I had written Alanis off. Until now. This methodic, female angst version of the Black Eyed Peas My Humps is nothing short of spectacular.
Welcome back to relevancy, Alanis.
Now I leave you.
As mentioned before, I am an avid podcast listener and think it's great that everyone who wants to can get his or her information out there. If anyone knows of any podcasts they'd like to send along, I am always searching for new stuff. Interests include paranormal, pop culture, retro (culture not furniture), movies, TV, literature and American history, though I am open to anything.
Until next week always remember that if you hear him howling around your kitchen door, you'd better not let him in.
