Misunderstood Masterpieces: Little Nicky

Posted by Will Helm on 04.10.2007

…or, Stop Looking at Me, Satan!

For the past two weeks, I've studied just what it takes to get into or, more specifically, stay out of Hell. Deals with the Devil are not to be taken lightly, even though to get out of them seems to involve the intervention of God in a poker game or making a selfless wish. While these two prior films borrow quite a bit from Marlowe and Goethe, there are also the precedents of Alighieri and Milton to consider, specifically, just what are the inner workings of Hell? While Milton covered the founding of Hell in Paradise Lost and Dante Alighieri outlined the geography of Hell in Inferno, leave it to Adam Sandler to elaborate on one of the missing elements within Hell: Satan's family.

It may seem like a leap for Sandler to handle a subject as heady as this but study of his prior films indicates otherwise. In the past, his films have centered on the vagaries of the upper class (Billy Madison), corruption on the professional golf circuit (Happy Gilmore), corruption and class relations in college football (The Waterboy), and single parenting in the modern age (Big Daddy). As is now evident, Sandler's films, while seemingly low-brow comedies, hold a basis in quite high-brow issues. With that in mind, Sandler and his usual collaborators gathered together in 2000 to create the film Little Nicky. While critically lambasted and somewhat ignored at the box office, Little Nicky shows a certain understanding of the metaphysics of Hell; perhaps, in fact, that is the reason for its apparent "failure." Then again, it could very well be a Misunderstood Masterpiece. Let's find out!

Somewhere, a young Boy Scout and his MILF-tastic mom (Laura Harring) go home after a long day of something or other. Meanwhile, just outside the mom's bedroom window, Jon Lovitz sits in a tree with a picnic basket and a glass of wine. Is he on a romantic date? With the tree? Eh . . . I've heard of stranger fetishes. Actually, his fetish is a little more tame, as he's quite entertained by watching the MILF-tastic mom get undressed and rub her feet. Maybe they're sore from dancing the lambada a little too much. Unfortunately for Jon Lovitz, the Boy Scout interrupts his mom – while she's just wearing a bra and a skirt . . . well, it may be incestuous, but at least he's not gay. Then he couldn't be a Boy Scout. Jon Lovitz, quite impatient with the Boy Scout's interference, calls up and tells the kid to scram, which leads to Jon Lovitz getting caught and shot out of the tree . . . and straight into Hell! Once there, Kevin Nealon has a giant crow anally rape Jon Lovitz as an appropriate form of karmic justice. Or just because he can.

Meanwhile, in the city of Dis – Dante Alighieri's capital of Hell, Little Nicky Satan (Sandler) – I guess that would be his last name – rocks out to some old-school Van Halen. How is it that one band could get progressively worse and worse as time went on? Most bands peak somewhere in the middle of their career; Van Halen peaked early and it was all downhill from there. Anyway, Satan's assistant (Sandler repertory player Blake Clark) calls for Nicky because his father, Mr. Satan, wants to talk with him and his brothers. Apparently, Mr. Satan might be retiring from his throne but Nicky really doesn't want him to. How sweet.

Elsewhere, Nicky's brothers – cunning Adrian (Rhys Ifans) and brawny Cassius (Tommy "Tiny" Lister . . . but I'll just call him "Zeus") – play darts while using some guy's face as a dartboard. After Nicky shows up for their family meeting, Zeus mind controls Nicky into beating himself up until Mr. Satan himself, Harvey Keitel, shows up to dole out the harshness. Dr. Tran would be proud. Mr. Satan, despite all stereotypes is actually a very caring father and, as it turns out, he is in fact trying to choose his heir from among his sons. Great . . . so it's an infernal version of King Lear. Or not, as Mr. Satan elects not to step down after all, mainly because his kids are all irresponsible. Ooh . . . sucks to be them. After adjourning the meeting, Mr. Satan entertains himself by anally raping Hitler with a pineapple . . . just because he can.

So, apparently, what I'm gathering is that Hell is all about the anal rape. Good to know.

Elsewhere in Hell, Adrian and Zeus, unhappy with their father's decision, plot to outsmart their father by taking over Earth. Meanwhile, Mr. Satan is indisposed giving a pep talk to Dan Marino. Adrian and Zeus, set on their path to overthrow the Earth, escape Hell, which throws Hell into a state of chaos as neither demons nor souls are supposed to leave Hell. Kevin Nealon, who's supposed to be in charge of keeping that from happening, reports to Mr. Satan and, as a measure of punishment, Mr. Satan causes breasts to sprout from Kevin Nealon's head. Hmm . . . I don't think they're real. Nice, but not real. Unfortunately for Mr. Satan, he can't do much else after that, as his sons' treachery causes him to start falling apart for reasons vaguely explained. With Mr. Satan's health failing, Nicky is entrusted with the duty of capturing his brothers and setting everything right in Hell. For some reason, that sentence just sounds wrong.

Once on Earth, Nicky is hit by a subway and ends up right back in Hell. Well that was quick. I guess that's it for the movie. Or not, as Nicky must have had a 1UP in reserve and he starts over again. Once back on Earth, Nicky avoids the subway and then he meets a talking bulldog who gives him a tour of New York City and introduces him to Quentin Tarantino. Damn Grindhouse was a good movie. It made me want to flip a car over with my bare hands. Seriously. In the aftermath of meeting a legendary director, Nicky dresses like a moron and eats fried chicken . . . and then he gets hit by a bus. Oops. Well, at least back in Hell Nicky has the opportunity to compliment Kevin Nealon on his choice of brassiere . . . that he's wearing on his head. Ooh . . . maybe he's going to try and create Kelly LeBrock.

Yet again back on Earth, the bulldog takes Nicky to his new apartment and he meets his pretentious wannabe actor roommate (Allen Covert). Unfortunately for Nicky, in the process of gaining an apartment, he loses his guide as the dog isn't allowed in. That night, Nicky sleeps on the radiator and freaks out his roommate by talking like a demon. Either that, or it's just really eloquent snoring. The next day, somewhere else in the city, a bishop (Louis Arquette) goes a bit batty in a giant church; as it turns out, he's possessed by Adrian! Midway through the bishop's sermon, he starts doing standup from the pulpit . . . and he's killing with the material. Meanwhile, from the congregation, his comedy partner, the mayor (George Wallace) – who's actually possessed by Zeus – pipes up and they conspire to corrupt their fellow churchgoers . . . and New York City as well. Well . . . that's not really THAT hard now, is it? Maybe this movie should've been set in Salt Lake City instead. That would be a challenge!

While his brothers are off having fun with the people of New York, Nicky is running around the city in search of his siblings and, through a convoluted series of events, he gets mauled by a polar bear. Once Nicky come back to Earth – yet again, the dog goes off to do some investigating while Nicky falls asleep in Central Park. While asleep, John Witherspoon steals Nicky's stuff – in particular a relic which allows him to capture his brothers – while two metalheads (Peter Dante and Jonathan Loughran) watch. After John Witherspoon runs off – probably to stink up a bathroom somewhere, the two metalheads awaken Nicky and Nicky gives chase. At a street fair, Nicky confronts John Witherspoon and requests the relic back; John Witherspoon is recalcitrant, so Patricia Arquette has to step in to assist Nicky. She wins the day for Nicky and then, later, they bond on a park bench. Afterward, they go out for ice cream, though the sentiment is slightly ruined when Quentin Tarantino shows up again.

Back in Hell and analogous to Nicky and Patricia Arquette, Kevin Nealon and Rodney Dangerfield bond as well . . . pretty much just because Kevin Nealon has a pretty nice rack on his head. On Earth, Zeus celebrates his and Adrian's successes in tearing New York apart . . . and then he spies Nicky and Patricia Arquette together. Rather than wondering just what Patricia Arquette is doing with his brother – and in this movie, Zeus mind controls Nicky again and, through the use of rampant vulgarity, he causes Patricia Arquette to run off in fear of her nascent boyfriend. Nicky, unhappy with the situation, argues telepathically with his brother until Zeus possesses Nicky and makes him get hit by a truck. Oh well . . . I guess that's the end. Again.

With Nicky out of the way – for the time being, Nicky's brothers start wrecking New York City in earnest. Meanwhile, Nicky makes his way to his apartment, where his dog teaches him to be evil. Nicky's first step on the road to evil: levitating a Coke can until his roommate interrupts him. Of course, that isn't the full extent of Nicky's training; he also turned the Coke into Pepsi! Dum-dum-DUM! Although to me, that wouldn't be evil; that'd be pretty good. Now if he turned it into RC Cola, that'd just be impressive.

Sometime later, Nicky and his roommate hang out and watch Dana Carvey dressed as an old referee yelling at the Harlem Globetrotters. In actuality, it isn't Dana Carvey at all . . . it's Zeus in disguise! As Zeus – as Dana Carvey – is busy calling fouls and traveling violations on the Globetrotters, Nicky hurries over to the arena to foil his brother's evil – and bizarre – scheme. Well, he wasn't the brainiest of the three, honestly. Once at the arena, Nicky blows up a basketball and sets Bill Walton's head on fire for no particular reason. He then confronts Zeus – still in the guise of elderly Dana Carvey – and, in lieu of telepathic battling once again, they go for a little one-on-one. Nicky, emboldened by the awesome power of . . . something, channels Dr. J and jams over his brother. Booyah! In the aftermath, Nicky tricks his brother into being captured – again, he's not the brightest bulb in the box – while the metalheads – who just happened to be there – celebrate in the stands.

After the game, everyone – Nicky, the dog, the roommate, and the metalheads – hangs out at Nicky's apartment. For their own amusement, they play Chicago records backwards and eat pot-laced cake. Because this movie was really screaming for stoner humor. Once stoned out of his gourd, Nicky entertains his friends with his somewhat awesome devil powers and then he brings the party down by confessing that he has a thing for Patricia Arquette. Well, she is cute, in a kind of mousy way. Nicky's buddies, concerned for their diabolical friend's well-being, console him and then they tell him to go get her. Oh yeah . . . time for red hot demon love!

Nicky, unconcerned with his missing brother Adrian, goes off in search of Patricia Arquette instead. Before he finds Patricia Arquette at Parsons School of Design – I bet she's busy making it work . . . Tim Gunn would be proud, Nicky has an ill-fated run-in with transvestite Clint Howard. It's honestly just too frightening to elaborate here. Honestly. After this little disturbing interlude, Nicky discovers Patricia Arquette working in her room and then, after he makes himself known to her, she sprays him in the face with mace and he falls off the fire escape. Luckily for him, he channels his devilish powers to levitate back to her and, once at a safe distance, he explains his familial predicament to Patricia Arquette. Strangely, Patricia Arquette believes everything Nicky says – damned weird art students – and forgives him for insulting her earlier in the day; they end up going flying together just because this film was really jonesing for a Superman reference.

Perhaps, rather than reconciling with his lady-love, Nicky should have been more concerned with Adrian, who, while in the guise of Chief of Police Mr. Green (Michael McKean), puts out a reward for Nicky's capture because he's a serial killer or mass murderer or something. Over on the corner of 112th and Broadway, Nicky celebrates being in love until he's chased by some Chinese flower shop owners . . . and then a horde of other people! Once cornered, Nicky escapes the madding crowd by turning into a slew of Nicky-headed spiders; when he returns to his apartment, Nicky discovers, much to his chagrin, that he's actually Tony Montana! Dum-dum-DUM!

Nicky, at the end of his rope, elects to let his roommate drown him so he can see his father for advice. It doesn't turn out so well, unfortunately, as all Nicky gets while in Hell is a good scolding for wasting time. Well now Nicky should just ignore his father and let him rot at this point. Back on Earth, Nicky's metalhead buddies seemingly sell out Nicky to Mr. Green and they lead him down to the subway where Mr. Green unwittingly has Nicky's roommate arrested. Mr. Green must know there's something strange going on, as he and the metalheads wait around for Nicky to really show up and then Adrian pulls himself out of Mr. Green's nose. While they're all waiting, Patricia Arquette dressed as a bum stumbles over with Nicky's flask and she gives it to the metalheads . . . who then pass it over to Adrian.

Adrian, being remarkably not dumb, discerns that Nicky is actually in disguise as one of the metalheads so, instead of Nicky capturing Adrian, they just argue. Adrian then outsmarts Nicky – which really isn't that hard to do – by taking Patricia Arquette hostage . . . oh no! Now those new episodes of Medium will never be made! Meanwhile, at the police station, the dog escapes the police and – somehow instantaneously – teleports over to the subway platform where he foils Adrian by peeing an arrow into Adrian's leg. No . . . I'm not lying. Seriously; why would I make something like that up?

Then, through a convoluted series of events, Nicky and Adrian are hit by a train . . . and Nicky wakes up in Heaven! Whoa . . . that was unexpected. Once there, Nicky meets a trio of angels, one of which just happens to be Reese Witherspoon! Huh? Actually, she's not just an angel but she's also his mom. I guess he takes after his father, then. Reese Witherspoon, who must've needed some money or something, explains Nicky's parentage and the fact that he's not totally evil but, in fact, half good. Then Reese Witherspoon and her silly angel friends start gossiping like they're on My Super Sweet 16 until Carl Weathers shows up to give them all dancing lessons.

Note: I am NOT making any of this up.

Back in Hell, Adrian finally usurps Mr. Satan because Nicky's too busy chatting with his mom and her silly girlfriends. Bitches be crazy! Adrian, seeking to bring Hell to Earth, transforms Central Park into Hell . . . and New Yorkers actually dig it. They even seem to have no problem when they find out that Adrian plans to kill all of them . . . but Adrian has a problem with transvestite Clint Howard. Yeah . . . that's got to be freakier than anything in Hell. Then, to entertain himself – and probably take the image of transvestite Clint Howard out of his head – Adrian covers Henry Winkler in bees.

Reese Witherspoon, sensing troubles back on Earth, sends Nicky down to foil his brother and, once there, Nicky distracts hordes of demons with butterflies, rabbits, and fried chicken. After subduing the guards, Nicky confronts Adrian and then they start playing tricks on each other in a total rip-off of Sandman #4. With their trickery exhausted, Nicky and Adrian then THROW DOWN – Bobby Flay would be proud. Through yet another convoluted series of events, Nicky and Adrian end up trapped in the flask and they fight there some more. Adrian, unsurprisingly, wins and then he turns into a bat. Nicky, who somehow also escapes from the flask, uses a weapon given to him by his mom, which summons Ozzy Osbourne who bites Adrian's head off and spits him into the flask. Patricia Arquette then kills Nicky, which sends him to Hell and saves Mr. Satan. Yay. In the aftermath, Mr. Satan tries to patch things up with Reese Witherspoon while Nicky gets sent to Earth to procreate with Patricia Arquette and live somewhat happily ever after.

Unlike Oh! God, You Devil and Bedazzled, which were just formulaic, Little Nicky certainly stands apart from the bulk of Satanic movies. It's also mind-blowingly weird. While that is par for the course for most of Sandler's oeuvre, Little Nicky almost suffers from the filmmakers pulling out all the stops to make the weirdest film imaginable. In addition, the film has a tendency to lack any internal continuity; more often than not, it meanders from hilarious set piece to hilarious set piece. It's like the people behind the film had a bunch of premises – Nicky plays basketball, Nicky gets stoned, Reese Witherspoon is an angel – and put them together with no real concept of how to fit them together into a fully realized movie. All in all, Little Nicky is so bizarre that its begrudgingly entertaining . . . and that can only mean it's a Misunderstood Masterpiece!

Join me next week as I bring a long-forgotten film that's just too quacked up to be believed. See you then!