Misunderstood Masterpieces: Howard the Duck

Posted by Will Helm on 04.17.2007

…or, George Lucas Lays an Egg

For avid hunters of bizarre, obscure, and bad film, the video-on-demand feature offered by cable and satellite systems is a strange and glorious medium for rediscovering lost "treasures." For some reason, once in a while the video-on-demand service will tout films long-unavailable on DVD . . . and even some that may never see the light of day on DVD. One film available from video-on-demand for a long period last year was the Queen-scored sci-fi classic Flash Gordon . . . which I intended to do, but never got around to it. Maybe they'll have it on again sometime soon, just for me. Luckily, however, I did take advantage of the service when it offered up one of the ‘80's greatest and most famous flops: Howard the Duck.

Infamously executive produced by George Lucas and showcasing the latest in his Industrial Light and Magic technology, Howard the Duck took a somewhat obscure Marvel comic character and brought him to glorious life. With a pedigree like that – and a $37 million budget, Howard the Duck was intended to be George Lucas' big moneymaker for 1986, a film which would allegedly pay off the debt incurred by building the massive and legendary Skywalker Ranch. Unfortunately for Mr. Lucas, Howard the Duck went on to become one of the greatest flops of the decade and its lack of success would have unintended – and, largely, amazing – effects on the film industry in the years following. As always, whenever the ripples of a film's flop can still be felt to this day, that can only mean this may very well be a Misunderstood Masterpiece. Let's find out!

In a rainy, dreary city, a saxophone plays. Oh geez . . . I hope this isn't an erotic thriller. Meanwhile, in a drab apartment somewhere in the rainy, dreary city, the tenant has what very well may be a very intense and disturbing waterfowl fetish. Or, shockingly, that tenant is actually an anthropomorphic duck . . . and not just any anthropomorphic duck, but Howard the Duck! Apparently, Howard is a beer-drinking, self-loathing, has-been musician duck as he sits in his drab apartment surrounded by his memorabilia and awards while watching television and reading dirty magazines. One interesting little piece of information: I never knew that female anthropomorphic ducks had discernable areolae and nipples. Interesting. Anyway, perhaps as God's punishment for Howard's rampant amorality, he's sucked out of his apartment; through a few adjacent apartments – including one with a naked, female anthropomorphic duck taking a bath; and into a hole in the sky. Oh well. Movie's over. No wonder it was a flop.

Or not, as, this being a sci-fi movie and this cliché being de rigueur, expository monologue kicks in explaining something or other about Howard the Duck coming to Earth. Personally, I just think it was an excuse to hold off the opening title until the old guy talking says, triumphantly, "Howard the Duck." After the introductory monologue – which also helpfully explains that, in the universe, fantasy can become reality and vice versa, Howard falls through a billboard and lands in Cleveland. Once there and before he has time to recover from his trip, he's nearly instantaneously accosted by a horde of post-apocalyptic punks! Whoa . . . he didn't land on Earth; he landed on Max Max Earth! I guess Cleveland is beyond Thunderdome, then. Or not, as – through a convoluted series of events – Howard is forcibly ejected from a nightclub where Lea Thompson and her band are rocking out and then he molests a bag lady and then he's chased by lesbian bikers. Whoa . . . it sounds like a very Freudian nightmare, especially when Howard retreats by hiding in an empty barrel that just happens to be in an adjacent alley. Hmm . . . womb symbolism, anyone?

After Lea and her band finish their set, Lea takes to the streets alone – probably to earn a little money, since being a struggling female rock star isn't what it used to be – and, unsurprisingly, she's attacked by two strung-out, annoying groupies. Luckily for her, they choose Howard's alley in which to do their deed, leading to Howard popping up out of his barrel to rescue Lea and dole out the harshness of quack-fu on the perps. Oh, the gut-busting hilarity. After Howard fends off the two groupies, Lea – who's remarkably less freaked out than she probably should be – explains to Howard just where he is and then she leaves him on the street corner to stand in the rain while sad music plays. Whoa . . . Howard is John Cusack? Lea, feeling sorry for the refugee duck, takes a moment to ponder the situation and then she invites Howard home with her. Ooh . . . maybe she's into anthropomorphic bestiality! But would that make her a "furry" or a "plushy"?

Perhaps ironically like Howard, Lea lives in a shabby apartment on the wrong side of the tracks . . . although I've always wondered just where these proverbial tracks are and who decides which side is the wrong one. Anyway, once there, Lea confesses that her band's manager is ripping her off, so she can't get a better apartment . . . which she explains in lame, dating slang. Like totally freakazoid, man! In the apartment, Howard displays disdain at Lea's cutesy duckie purse and then a truck going by causes him to have a flashback. To calm his jangled nerves, Howard sits a keyboard set-up Lea conveniently has – ahem – set up in her apartment and he plays a few notes; somehow, this leads to him telling Lea all about his history. Apparently, back on his planet, Howard was a hard-livin' college drop-out who sold out and got an office gig. Howard isn't quite happy with that situation, however, because he feels he has a "density." I mean "destiny" . . . that was another Lea Thompson movie. After pouring his heart out to Lea, Howard falls asleep and Lea goes through his wallet . . . and she finds a duck condom in there. Umm . . . ick.

The next day, Lea takes Howard for a ride in a taxi . . . with Howard in a garbage bag. At least she had the decency to poke hole in it. Lea and Howard end up at a local museum of natural history, where Lea takes Howard to see . . . spastic über-nerd Tim Robbins! Tim, unsurprisingly, freaks out when he sees Howard . . . and then he patronizes the anthropomorphic duck and tests him for superpowers. And to think this was before comic-book geeks had their own pop-culture cachet. Howard, appropriately, tires of this ill treatment, so he rebels and leaves. Before Howard and Lea leave the museum, though, Tim catches up with them and he explains that he has a theory and it involves duck evolution! Howard, who already knows this story, insults humanity and gets ticked off . . . mainly because Tim isn't a scientist but a lowly lab assistant. Oops. Outside the museum, some annoying kids gawk at Howard until he tells them off and then he kicks Lea to the curb and goes out on his own. Howard, Cleveland is your oyster!

Unfortunately, that oyster must be rotten as Howard ends up at a state employment office. For some reason, the angry-yet-matronly agent on his case thinks he's a slacker . . . so she gives him a job as a towel boy in a sex club. And this movie is PG?!? Howard, somehow, gets into a fight with his manager – who tries to drown him – and so he quits. I think attempted murder is always a good reason, honestly. Howard, sadly, becomes one of the scores of homeless ducks, living on the streets and scrounging for sustenance. Much worse, Howard also discovers that, on Earth, he can be considered substance as it's duck season! Not rabbit season, though; just duck season. Rabbit season. Duck season. Honestly, I never understood why Elmer Fudd didn't shoot both of them and just pay off whatever fines he incurred. Ain't I a stinker?

In his transient wanderings, Howard conveniently ends up at the same alley where he first fell to Earth and, even more conveniently, Lea's band is playing at the club across the street . . . and she's playing a sad song just for Howard. Ooh . . . microcosmic. After a few minutes of the power ballad, Lea and her band decide to rock out while, somehow, Howard gets into the club even though he was forcibly ejected earlier in the film. Howard, perhaps in search of a drink, makes his way to the bar, where he finds Lea's sleazy manager actually in the process of ripping her and the band off . . . unless he can get into Lea's pants that night. Maybe he has a "density" too. Howard, either fueled by righteous indignation or just jealous, confronts Lea's manager but, alas, he's thwarted by professional lackey Richard Edson, who slides Howard down the bar. Howard, in the mood for a bit of REVENGE, pops up and attacks Lea's manager with an ice pick and, in the process, he gets Lea's money and takes over Lea and the band's contract. Then, just to clear the area, he threatens all the onlookers with "space rabies." Dum-dum-DUM!

In the aftermath of his little outburst in the club, Howard and Lea reconcile in the band's dressing room . . . and then Tim shows up for no particular reason. He tells Howard that he has more theories, specifically that Howard was frozen in ice and/or worshipped by Samoans. Then, after getting a call on his pager, Tim steals a feather from Howard's tail and he runs off like a spaz. Later that evening, Howard and Lea return to Lea's apartment, where Howard lays down a funky beat and plays one of Lea's many keyboards. Lea, in a moment of genius, wants Howard to be the band's new manager . . . because what more is there for a has-been musician to do? Perhaps to help seal the deal, Lea struts around the apartment in her skimpy underwear – remember, the movie's still PG – and Howard likes what he sees. Howard starts, disturbingly, hitting on scantly clad Lea . . . and she responds by trying to seduce him. Whoa . . . the "anthropomorphic bestiality" thing was a joke! A JOKE! Just to gross out the audience – or titillate the plushies and furries, Lea and Howard make out a little until they're rudely interrupted by Tim, Ed Rooney (Jeffrey Jones), and another scientist.

After Lea and Howard break up their little love-in, Ed Rooney confesses to Howard that, in the course of an experiment gone awry, he accidentally pulled Howard to Earth. Howard, not quite pleased to hear that his arrival on the planet was a malfunction, wants to go home . . . so Ed Rooney hypothesizes the process. They all head to Ed Rooney's lab and, on the way, Howard, Tim, and Lea reference older, better movies, like Casablanca. Over at the lab, unfortunately, all Hell is breaking loose as David Paymer explains to Tim, Lea, and Howard that the super-laser thingee/plot device malfunctioned again . . . and this time it blew up! Even worse, Ed Rooney took the worst of the blast and he's currently missing. Dum-dum-DUM!

In the aftermath of the blast, the cops show up at the lab and, once there, they laugh at Howard because they think he's just a guy in a duck suit. To that end, the lead detective on the case orders his men to strip Howard of his clothes and the duck suit he actually isn't wearing. Umm . . . it is just me or does this film have some weird and disturbing overtones? After Howard is nearly naked – save for some boxer shorts, the detective has Howard arrested for no particular reason but, on the way out of the lab, Lea shows up and she and Howard stage a JAILBREAK! AC/DC . . . proud as usual. With Howard on the lam with Lea by his side, the rest of the cops go on a duck hunt and they want Howard dead!

Howard and Lea, wisely, hide out in the bowels of the laboratory and, once there, they run into Ed Rooney who, due to the blast, seems to be sick and kind of retarded. Eh, post-concussion syndrome sucks; just as Eric Lindros. Somehow, Ed Rooney's well enough to drive, so he breaks Howard and Lea out of the lab; unfortunately for them, they find out too late that Ed Rooney's not ill, he's just possessed! Oops. Due to the raging demon terrorizing his insides, Ed Rooney freaks out so Howard takes the wheel of his station wagon and, after a harrowing ride through the streets of Cleveland, they end up at a Cajun sushi restaurant. No, I'm not making that up. Actually, so far this is the most unbelievable thing in the film; I can suspend disbelief enough for a talking, anthropomorphic duck but a Cajun sushi joint takes the cake. Seriously.

Anyway, inside the restaurant, Howard, Lea, and Ed Rooney are attended to by a really nerdy waitress and then, while she's away, demonic Ed Rooney explains what exactly is going on. Apparently, the demon was in exile in the Phantom Zone or something until Ed Rooney's experiment released him and he inhabited Ed Rooney's body once arriving. After this little spell of exposition, Howard yells at the nerdy waitress – maybe it's Tim Robbins' sister – because she has the unbridled audacity to serve him eggs and then demonic Ed Rooney blows up condiments with his mind. Moments later, demonic Ed Rooney – who's quickly developing a bad case of eczema – and Howard fight over some component thing and then Howard beats up some rednecks. After a bit of a brawl, the rednecks – and everyone else in the restaurant – capture Howard and try to cook him; just because he can, demonic Ed Rooney cracks jokes and goes nuclear and then he rescues Howard with his freaky demon powers. Howard and demonic Ed Rooney then continue their fight over the component, which ends badly when demonic Ed Rooney subdues Howard, takes the component, and kidnaps Lea. Well, demons are known for being horny!

And puns are known for being lame.

Sometime after, demonic Ed Rooney, with Lea by his side, commandeers a truck and, once inside, he tongues the cigarette lighter. OK . . . it's official: this movie is raping my brain! Back at the restaurant, Howard finds Tim in the back of a squad car and, together, they stage another JAILBREAK – AC/DC . . . they're loving this – and then they conspire to steal an airplane from a nearby junkyard. No, really. Meanwhile, demonic Ed Rooney pilots his truck to a local nuclear plant; elsewhere, the cops chase Tim and Howard's plane until they take off . . . ironically to Howard's chagrin. Oh, a duck that's afraid of flying. Smell the hilarity! At the nuclear plant, demonic Ed Rooney takes a tour and then he bathes in a reactor to absorb the energy therein. Howard, on the way to the lab, flies away from the cops and, vengefully, torments duck hunters on the Cuyahoga. Also on the way to the lab, demonic Ed Rooney – now nuclear powered – wrecks a traffic stop, disintegrates a police officer, gets shot in the face, and blows up some cars. Wow . . . that's like a mass destruction grand slam or something!

After the cops nearly shoot Howard down and Tim nearly falls off the plane, they crash land at the lab where, in the same room as the plot device, Howard gives Tim a pep talk while they plan their attack. Demonic Ed Rooney, already on hand, has Lea strapped down under the plot device because he has selected her to be the vessel for his buddies who he's bringing down with the plot device. Hmm . . . maybe he should tongue her first like he did with the cigarette lighter, just for kicks. Hey . . . this movie couldn't get any more perverted . . . or could it?

Down in the bowels of the lab – not the bowels where demonic Ed Rooney was found but some other bowels, Tim and Howard finds some superweapon with which they can defeat demonic Ed Rooney. Well, it's nice that something like that was on hand for just this moment. After stealing the weapon, Tim and Howard bumble their way into the laboratory with demonic Ed Rooney and the plot device and they form a tag team to fight demonic Ed Rooney. After a cursory assault, Howard and demonic Ed Rooney end up in a standoff and Howard blasts demonic Ed Rooney with the superweapon, freeing the demon from Ed Rooney.

Somehow, Ed Rooney actually ends up unscathed by the ordeal but, alas, the demon is still there! Unsurprisingly, the demon isn't happy, either, probably because he's just a crappy stop-motion model that looks like a cross between a rancor and a scorpion in front of an obvious green screen. Ooh . . . scary. In the tumult after the demon's appearance, he uses the distraction to activate the laser and all seems to be lost until Howard gets the superweapon, kills the demon, and – in a moment of self-sacrifice because, without it, he can't get home – blows up the plot device. As a denouement, Lea and her band sing the theme song at a concert and then Howard rocks out. Finally, and grotesquely, Howard and Lea share a tender moment behind the scenes. I wonder just what half-duck/half-human babies look like?

Honestly, perhaps because I haven't seen it in at least a decade, I forgot just how weird Howard the Duck is. Additionally, also because I haven't watched it in at least a decade, I never realized just how dirty Howard the Duck is. I actually pity parents who brought their kids to this one because they REALLY didn't know what they were in for . . . and I don't say that often. Perhaps the fact that Howard the Duck ended up so muddled and so bizarre – and, as well, the plot takes an hour to kick in – made it the flop that it is and, as mentioned before, a flop with unintended and greater consequences. Supposedly, as the story goes, George Lucas was betting on Howard the Duck to pay off his debts but, unfortunately, it couldn't. To that end, Lucas liquidated some of his assets, in particular selling off ILM's digital-animation division to Apple's Steve Jobs . . . a division that would later be known as Pixar Studios. And to think Toy Story, Finding Nemo, or The Incredibles wouldn't have been possible without Howard the Duck . . . that's the mark of a true Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as I bring a trilogy of action starting with Michael Bay ripping off MST3K. See you then!