A Fool's Utopia 04.22.07: The Downfall of the Sitcom

Posted by Ron Martin on 04.21.2007

This week's things not in my kitchen: Reality TV's impact on American television, smashing things with hammers, Elvira's Tommyknockers and dry humping.

--We are now seeing the effects of reality TV. It's been 15 years since The Real World debuted on MTV, starting the rise of reality television (and as I mentioned last week, the downfall of MTV). What was the cost? Mainly, my sanity. As a high school student at the time, I had to hear all the ins and outs of ‘who likes who' and ‘who was a bitch' on the show. Personal bias aside, the real loser in this was the sitcom. That's right, the ever beloved situation comedy.

In 1992, you had the last gasps of The Cosby Show with the near ending of Night Court. Seinfeld was in its prime and Friends was only a couple of years away. Primetime lineups included the likes of Home Improvement, Roseanne, Wings, Mad About You and Cheers. Then came the success of The Real World wielding the sickle of death for live-action sitcoms. It took a few years for the rest of TV land to catch up, but when they did it came with a vengeance and the situational comedy as we know it would never be the same again.

If I were to carve up a tombstone for sitcoms I would mark 1999 as the year of death. We were one year removed fromSeinfeld, most of the aforementioned primetime shows were long gone and the world was smacked upside the head with Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. The NBC Must-See-TV lineup, long a stronghold on the sitcom front, was decimated. Using Friends and the overrated Frasier as anchors, it had become a mediocre battleground for testing shows like Jesse, Veronica's Closet and Stark Raving Mad. It was this year that mediocrity in comedies was celebrated because well, we didn't have anything better. It's like making a sandwich. You want some ham and Swiss cheese on that bread. But you only got cheddar. We'll take it – cheddar is better then nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, that is the reason for the success of the extremely unfunny Will and Grace. It was the cheddar cheese of the sitcom world.

Traditional sitcoms were dealt another blow in 1999, this time by their own offspring – the animated sitcom. With The Simpsons and King of the Hill already television staples, the world saw the debut of Futurama, The Family Guy and Spongebob Squarepants. Bye-bye live action.

Sure there are a few good sitcoms left on TV. But reality and animated TV have now taken over. When the dimwitted, out of touch, old guys who though Joey was a can't miss sit around a board table contemplating the fall lineup, what do you think is the first thing that comes out of their wrinkly old mouth? Unfortunately, not their dentures as they have those suckers glued in. How about: What's our reality lineup look like this fall? Unfortunately now that the Real World generation has moved out on their own and are a viable TV resource; reality TV is what they know and love.

On the side of hope, the Must-See TV lineup seems to be in a state of repair with Scrubs, 30 Rock and The Office. However, it is no longer the sitcom stronghold. It is now the sitcom last stand.

--I still wish life were like wrestling. This week during a one-on-one meeting with my big boss of my day job, I had to try and convince him of a few things I needed for my particular job. I ended my long diatribe with the setup phrase of "What do you think?" As he began to spiel his usual crap, in my head I yelled out "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!" I have got to find a way to work more wrestling catchphrases into my daily conversations. Also, I am contemplating legally changing my name to Big Bad Voodoo Daddy. Big Bad Voodoo Daddy = Pimpin' with the ladies.

--Seriously, outside of the month of October, does anyone care about baseball? I watch less sports TV in the summer than any other time because all it is, is baseball highlights. Why do I care about any baseball game that is one out of 162? This could be because I don't have a local baseball team, but even if I did, I couldn't see myself caring that much about individual games during the season that weren't the playoffs. I travel to Boston annually and they love their baseball there. Then again, this is the same city that shutdown it's transportation system because of a picture of a mooninite.



--Speaking of mooninites, I had high hopes for Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie For Theaters. Man, was that thing terrible. I had more fun trying to hit the sleeping fat guy four rows up in his bald spot with popcorn than watching the movie. I was equally disappointed in The Pick of Destiny earlier this season. These stoner comedies do not work well when you get them out of their ten or fifteen minute security blankets. As a person who has written two unsold comedy screenplays, I can tell share some insight. When an allegedly funny writer doesn't have anything funny to write he falls back on three things:

1) random dry humping
2) random men kissing other men
3) when you can't thing of anything witty for the characters to say, you say "When I think of something good – it's really going to be good."
All of these things were numerous in appearances in the movie. Getting stoned and writing a ten minute cartoon is one thing. Getting stoned and trying to write an hour and a half movie is another thing entirely.

--Last year, the world was thrust upon the trio of Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan. Personally, I was waiting for the fourth horseman in the form of a finally outed Tom Cruise to appear and the Apocalypse to be upon us. That didn't happen. I now have figured why the unholy trio was brought together. With Britney's latest rant in complete redneck-trying-to-imitate-valley-girl-ese and Lohan's delirious interview in Allure (she is the one who protects all her friends and family because she is so stable, you know), Paris comes off looking normal by comparison. By not doing anything utterly insane and stupid over the last five months, Paris had endeared herself to the American public. Way not to be as crazy as those other two chicks, Paris!

--That's got me thinking. Here is a list of celebrities current and former that I wouldn't mind so much leaking a sex tape:



Just sayin'.

--I thought I would never say this in my lifetime but kudos to David Stern. He suspended referee Joey Crawford for the rest of the season and hinted that the longtime referee may never ref another NBA game. Joey Crawford has long been a ref of ill report who deserves to be neck punched multiple times. He makes himself the spotlight by dominating each game to show these young millionaires who is in charge by forcing his will on them, whether it results in calling a game fairly or not. The NBA already has the worst refs in sports and has made more than one person (me included) believe that the NBA is rigged. Until now, these inflated egos walked around with an aura of superiority making or breaking teams seasons with atrocious calls (as an Indiana Pacers fan I can remember a lot of them in Eastern Conference Finals games against teams from the bigger markets in New York and Chicago) knowing if the players or coaches so much as dare to indicate one call may not have been very good then they are fined more money than a lot of Americans make in a single year. As a rule, I think David Stern is a pompous ass that should sit on a large spike while being sac-smacked. However, he finally did something right and it's about time referees in some sport got called out on being irrationally terrible.


--Three reviews of three random DVDs from my collection:



1. Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare This is basically Nightmare on Elm Street 6 and came to me as part of a box set purchased off the internet. I actually re-watched this a couple of months ago and eh, it's there. This is not really scary as Freddy is played more for laughs. It does introduce, however, a lot of Freddy's backstory. Some evil dream demons possessed him or something. It also shows Freddy pre-burn with a family. Of course, he kills his wife and his daughter comes back to kill him. This features Breckin Meyer getting killed in one of his earlier roles and also has cameos from Roseanne and Tom Arnold as well as Alice Cooper. There a couple of really funny moments such as "Kung Fu this, bitch!" and "The map says we're f*cked." Which is okay, but this is supposed to be a horror film. 2/5

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2.Elvira's Haunted Hills I think I got this one on the internet as well, probably from the e-machine. I am utterly (no pun intended) amazed at how Cassandra Peterson (aka Elvira) has managed to escape time. The girl still looks the same as she did in the 80s and she is like 55 years old. If there is plastic surgery involved, chalk this one up in the good plastic surgery column. As you would expect, this is ultra-campy and chalked full of bad puns and worse dialogue. If I remember correctly, I believe this is the basic whodunit standard fare. Her other movie was better, but I do appreciate campy horror flicks so I can appreciate this addition to my collection. Others, however, may not. 1.75/5



3.The TommyknockersHmmm…Tommyknockers right after Elvira – I swear this truly is random. This I believe I picked up at the $5.50 bin at the local W world. I paid about five bucks too much. As a Stephen King completist, I had to have it. For anyone else, I wouldn't recommend it unless you are having serious issues with your eyes and really want to just gouge them out. This was a made for TV miniseries staring Jimmy Smits. The acting is terrible. I mean, like high school play terrible. Scratch that. Summer camp skit night terrible. The effects are just as bad. On the upside, I believe this is Traci Lords first straight movie. She has sex all the time in this one with some dude who couldn't possibly get in her pants in real life. Imagine that. 1/5

--Someone just text messaged me. The entire message was just the word "Lipoflavinoid". This can only be one of two things. It is either the offspring of Flava Flav and The Noid or it is the active ingredient in Sangria that always makes me wake up the next morning in only my underoos but with an empty candy wrapper and a rubber glove in the bed with me. Oh, and unfortunately, usually some of the cheese powder from Cheetos on my buttcrack. Damn Sangria!

--I hate say it, but trailers for The Condemned are making me want to go see this movie. This would be my first WWE Films experience. I have been meaning to catch See No Evil on DVD as I like Kane and I like bad horror flicks. I just haven't done it yet. The Marine has no chance with me as I don't like the main actor and am lukewarm to action/adventure blow ‘em up films. The Condemned, however, is very intriguing. Steve Austin is passable as an actor and the storyline is very reminiscent of the excellent Battle Royale series combined with the equally as excellent The Running Man. I might have to catch the matinee so at least if it sucks I am only giving Vince $5.50 instead of $8.

--I hear McDonald's is thinking of redoing the Michael Jordan/Larry Bird nothin' but net commercials with Dwayne Wade and LeBron James as the stars of the commercials. While the continuity is appreciated, it just doesn't work. The Great One and Larry Legend transcended basketball (and still do). On top of that they have 9 NBA championships and 8 NBA MVP awards between them. Not too mention the numerous unforgettable moments both players have provided. Wade and James? One NBA championship, no MVPs and no unforgettable moments. Give these guys a few more years and maybe they will be in the same arena as Bird and Jordan, but right now they can't compete.

--It's that time kids. Time to flip up the collar, pop in your Simple Minds cassette and peal off your Garbage Pail Kids stickers. We is getting RETRO up in here.

For Christmas I received Final Fantasy XII as well as what I call the Pac n' Play. You know, one of those joystick games you plug directly into the TV. This one has four different Pac-Man games on it. Since Christmas, I have played both games equally. Something to be said for the classics.

I listened to the timeless classic Appetite for Destruction recently. Is that one of the greatest albums ever or what? Too bad Axl Rose is so sac smackably hatable that the band has become a punchline. By the time their finished with Chinese Democracy there will actually be democracy in China! They've been working on the album for 14 years. You'd think the guy would have run out of cash by now.

Anyone remember Mad Balls? I only ever had three. I had Aargh (blue guy with one eye shut and stitches on his head), Screamin' Meemie (baseball looking guy) and Slobulus (green guy looks like the Hunchback of Notre Dame). Despite hiding them in strategic locations throughout my home, the Mad Balls failed to get the screaming response from my sister that they got on the TV commercials. I don't know what ever became of them. I think my dog ate one. Imagine if you had the whole line of Mad Balls today – in mint condition! It would be worth at least a Hamilton.

This is my idea for a t-shirt. With ghost hunting as big as it is now, we just do a plain tee with a picture of Pac-Man on it. Underneath is the wording "THE ORIGINAL GHOST HUNTER." Don't try and steal my idea either, punks!

--I am a big fan of The Bloodhound Gang. They seemed to get better with each album. I often find myself muttering their clever lyrics that they usually have put to some infectious beat. On their last album Hooray for Boobies they even sampled Falco while talking to a cracked out Pac-Man. When I saw a new album in stores, I was very excited. Not having the money on me to purchase it right away, I did what any honest American would do. I downloaded it. In my defense, if I liked it, I would have purchased a copy of the CD right away. Man, what a load of crap! Five years and this is all you're giving me? Some generic beats with titles like Farting with my Walkman On and Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss? I was so disappointed I bought the CD. Then I put it in front of all my other CDs and smashed it with a hammer as a lesson to them. Don't suck or you will get smashed with a hammer.

And now, I must leave you.

Until next week, my message is this. Do not be afraid of independent media. Download independent music, buy independent books and movies. The internet is a great asset for sampling these things before purchasing. There are as many talented moviemakers, writers and musicians that are not part of the Hollywood machine as there are no-talents that are. Don't be afraid. As Nike says "Just Do It!" I fully expect a check from Nike now.

And remember, don't suck or you will get smashed with a hammer.