Misunderstood Masterpieces: The Island
Posted by Will Helm on 04.24.2007
...or, In the Future, No One Cares About Collateral Damage
In American cinema, there are two quite reviled elements: the remake and Michael Bay. While the former has been studied quite often in these pages, the latter is a new and interesting development. Known as a purveyor of style over substance and quite disliked for it, Bay got his start like many other contemporary directors by helming music videos. And Kerri Kendall's Playboy Video Centerfold. No, seriously. Anyway, throughout the 90s, Bay became famous for lending his eye to big budget Jerry Bruckheimer action flicks most notably The Rock and Armageddon, among others but, as the millennium passed, Bay was called to make more sensitive fare. First among the these newer, more thought-provoking films was 2001's Pearl Harbor, which could also be called Titanic with Planes. Seriously, the film is 70% love story, 30% war movie. But it's "sensitive."
After a brief interlude with Bad Boys II, Bay then moved on to an extremely high-brow subject: bioethics. And, in the process, he and his collaborators stumbled into a remake . . . possibly without even intending to. In 2005, Michael Bay directed The Island, a (somewhat) star-studded, high-budget action flick with a basis in the hot-button issues of cloning and organ harvesting. Unfortunately for him, astute commentators, observers, and nerds made a startling connection: the film had already been made! While probably few remembered the 1979 picture The Clonus Horror, regular watchers of the legendary movie-spoof program Mystery Science Theater 3000 know the film all too well, as it was covered during the Sci-Fi Network years of that show. After all, it did feature Peter Graves and the memorable line "Crotch fires and you," making it a classic among MSTies. As well, the makers of The Clonus Horror remembered their picture and, unsurprisingly, the inevitable copyright lawsuits followed. One question remains, however: is The Island really worthy of all this controversy? Or is it yet another Misunderstood Masterpiece? Let's find out!
In the near future, presumably, Scarlett Johansson rides a boat. Ooh . . . maybe she's going to the titular "island"; if so, then it's going to be a very short movie. I hope so. Alongside Scarlett Johansson is her male lead for this picture, Obi Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor). Unfortunately, through some convoluted and shady series of events, Obi Wan gets shot and falls overboard, where he's attacked by a horde of albinos. Umm . . . yeah. Somehow, in the process, Scarlett Johansson drowns . . . or she's auditioning to play Natalie Wood in another film. Luckily for Obi Wan, it was all a bad dream; unfortunately for Ewan McGregor, he's still in The Island. I guess one has to take the bad with the good sometimes.
That morning, Obi Wan wakes up in his little cell and his room helpfully tells him "Good morning" and then it analyzes his urine. Gee, thanks room! I always wanted to know all about Obi Wan's sodium content. After relieving himself and finding out that he needs to drink more water or something, Obi Wan dresses up in all the latest Puma gear, carefully folded in his drawers. For some reason, he's missing a shoe, and this perturbs him. OK . . . if the plot of the film involves him going off in search of the missing shoe and, by doing so, causing a chain of events which totally undermine what's going on behind the scenes, I'm shutting the movie off and throwing it out the window. Anyway, while Obi Wan wanders around the facility he's living in where everyone is clad in relatively the same Puma gear Michael Clarke Duncan wins "the lottery" wait; they're ripping off Shirley Jackson too? and he gets to go on vacation to "the island" . . . and some other guy isn't happy about it. It seems that the other guy is just cranky because he figures that he's been there longer than anyone else and he just wants to win the lottery. After his outburst, some track-suited cops they're obviously cops because they're wearing black track suits, rather than white question the cranky guy and he allays their concerns with some deep breathing.
Meanwhile, Obi Wan gazes down at his fellow drones one of which is pregnant? Huh? and then, in the cafeteria, he sasses at the lunch lady because he can't have any bacon. Adam Sandler wouldn't like that very much. Luckily for Obi Wan, Scarlett Johansson is there and she helpfully flirts with the lunch lady in exchange for some bacon. Whoa . . . I guess that can be classified as the Awesome Power of Scarlett Johansson. Scarlett Johansson gives the bacon to Obi Wan and then they share a little witty repartee until one of the track-suit cops breaks them up. I guess they were trained by working junior high dances; the only thing better would've been if he said "leave room for Jesus."
Later that day, Obi Wan goes to see the doctor . . . and it's Boromir (Sean Bean)! Dr. Boromir wants to know how Obi Wan's been feeling; apparently the scion of Denethor is also the facility's staff psychologist. After Obi Wan blows off Dr. Boromir's concerns, Dr. Boromir tells his patient that he doesn't like him hanging out with Scarlett Johansson maybe he's jealous? or having nightmares, so they do a little dream analysis. It seems, somehow, Obi Wan is having an existential crisis . . . or he's just channeling Jerry Seinfeld with his lines of questioning. Dr. Boromir, to help diagnose Obi Wan's psychological issues, prescribes a brain scan, which involves pouring little brain-scanning spiders into Obi Wan's eye. Umm . . . OK.
After his doctor's visit, Obi Wan goes to work and he complains about what's going on to his quirky lab partner (Star Trek: Voyager's Ethan Philips); Obi Wan's lab partner, meanwhile, has a bizarre algorithm that discerns that the lottery is, in fact, rigged. Oh really, dude? Then again, maybe he was cloned from the guy that totally pwn3dPress Your Luck back in the 80s. In another, segregated part of the lab, one chick goes into labor again, huh? so she automatically gets to go to "the island." Well, that's certainly incentive to get knocked up, isn't it?
Obi Wan, using the impromptu birthing as a distraction, takes a little break from work and he goes investigating. In the gritty bowels of the facility, Obi Wan finds . . . Steve Buscemi! Dum-dum-DUM! Actually, it's not really that exciting, as they've been friends for a while and Obi Wan goes there to chat about living arrangements and to joke about Dr. Boromir. Things get a little uncomfortable, however, when Obi Wan asks Steve Buscemi about God and Steve Buscemi responds by getting very paranoid for no discernable reason. With the conversation now effectively ended, a moth distracts Obi Wan because he's got the attention span of a child, seemingly and Obi Wan follows it and catches it. Meanwhile, Steve Buscemi goes back to work and he makes an IT call at one of the labs; while he's busy trying to fix the technicians' computer, Steve Buscemi watches as the technicians cut some guy out of a giant breast implant. Luckily for the technicians, they also have a bunch of breast implants in storage. I guess they're on hand in case Pamela Anderson calls.
That night, Scarlett Johansson and Obi Wan beat each other up in a simulated fight sponsored by Xbox. Obviously the future is provided by ample product placement. After the duel and while fellow barflies imbibe Aquafina water, Obi Wan and Scarlett Johansson share drinks and a chat about Dr. Boromir. Finding the subject too dour for courtship, Obi Wan instead tells Scarlett Johansson that he wants to show her his bug. I bet he's got it right next to his etchings and his copy of The Joy of Sex. Either that, or he's got a Volkswagen and he's planning on having sex in a very uncomfortable place. Before Obi Wan can get Scarlett Johansson up to his room so they can get their respective freaks on, she wins the lottery and they can only share a tender moment before she has to go prepare for her vacation. Oh well; I wonder how well a white track suit can hide blue balls.
Overnight, Obi Wan has another bad dream and, this time, he's attacked by Project Runway's Tim Gunn! Obviously Obi Wan wasn't making it work so Tim showed up to provide a little sturm und drang. Ahem. Anyway, Obi Wan somehow breaks out of his apartment it's not quite a JAILBREAK, though; AC/DC will have to wait and he returns to the bowels of the facility where he lets his bug go . . . and then he follows it. Well played, Obi Wan; well played indeed. Obi Wan ends up in a hospital where he finds the pregnant chick from earlier giving birth. Aww, how sweet . . . until the nurse on hand gives the chick a lethal injection after the baby is born! In the aftermath, the nurse gives the baby to the same chick! Huh? Meanwhile, in another room, Michael Clarke Duncan is in surgery but things go awry when he comes out of anesthetic, freaks out, runs out of the operating room, and tears up the hospital. Whoa . . . that's unnecessarily visceral. He's captured right in front of Obi Wan, who, unsurprisingly, goes mental.
Dr. Boromir, after the fact, discovers that Obi Wan is on the loose so he declares Obi Wan to be an enemy of the state . . . or something like that. Obi Wan, perhaps looking to cure his persistent blue balls, runs into the women's dormitory. Panty raid! Or not, as he's just there to rescue Scarlett Johansson and they stage . . . a JAILBREAK! Be proud, AC/DC; be very proud. To hasten their escape from the facility, Obi Wan and Scarlett Johansson run down to the bowels of the institute where, through a very convoluted series of events, one of the pursuing track-suit cops slips on some marbles. No, really. At least a little more believably, Scarlett Johansson subdues another track-suit cop with a giant wrench. Finally, after a long, complicated run through the bowels of the facility, Obi Wan and Scarlett Johansson fall into a brainwashing pen and then they run through a hologram and into the desert and freedom. Yay . . . movie's over!
Unfortunately, that isn't the case, as Dr. Boromir has a sales pitch with some prospective clients and Djimon Hounsou. Djimon isn't there to buy a clone, however; he just as a meeting with Dr. Boromir and, as a consequence of that meeting, he's given the task of capturing Obi Wan and Scarlett Johansson. Speaking of or typing of, as the case may be Obi Wan and Scarlett Johansson, they're busy traversing a dusty road and arguing the whole way. Thankfully, their bickering ends abruptly when they're distracted by a rattlesnake on the side of the road. Yup . . . the attention spans of children; I was right. Meanwhile, Dr. Boromir explains to Djimon why Scarlett Johansson won the lottery the night before: her donor was in a car accident and needs Scarlett's organs! I must admit those are certainly some lovely organs to have.
Through the aid of a helpful plot device I mean "matchbox," Obi Wan and Scarlett Johansson end up in a bar in Tuscon. Also there: a priest, a minister, and a rabbi. Or not, as Obi Wan is there in search of Buscemi; unfortunately for Obi Wan, there's a bit of a confusing conversation with the bartender involving bathroom lingo. Ah, I guess this counts for "comic relief." Thanks, movie! Slightly more unintentionally hilariously, Obi Wan then confronts Buscemi in the bathroom and, due to their proximity and the allusion in their conversation, some random onlooker thinks they're gay and having a lovers' tiff. My sides are splitting, movie!
Perhaps unwisely, Steve Buscemi takes Obi Wan and Scarlett Johansson home with him maybe he's angling for a threesome and then, instead of slipping into something a little more comfortable, he slips into exposition mode. According to Buscemi, Obi Wan and Scarlett Johansson are actually clones duh! and Dr. Boromir has a big cover-up going in his institute as the clones are only supposed to be vegetables. So he's supposed to be growing zucchini and instead he's growing people? Oh . . . the other kind of vegetables. Gotcha. Obi Wan, with this information in mind, wants to tell his donor just what's going on at the facility and Buscemi, against his better judgment, agrees to help them out . . . probably because he's outlived his usefulness in the picture at this point.
Later, at a train station, Obi Wan pees out his spiders that's just messed up and then he and Scarlett Johansson are mystified by actual children. Meanwhile, Steve Buscemi kindly goes upstairs to get Obi Wan and Scarlett Johansson a map of Los Angeles the home of Obi Wan's donor and he gets shot by one of Djimon's goons for his troubles. Gee . . . I guess he really did outlive his usefulness, literally. Obi Wan and Scarlett Johansson, wisely, run from the scene and, after a bit of a convoluted chase, they end up holed up in a tool shed that conveniently lies on the outskirts of the train station. Once discovered, Scarlett Johansson shoots some guy with a nail gun and then they escape to their train and Los Angeles.
While Dr. Boromir orders his lackeys to figure out just why Obi Wan is so crazy, Obi Wan and Scarlett Johansson get to Los Angeles where Scarlett Johansson stares at herself in a Calvin Klein ad. Whoa . . . she may be a clone, but she's still narcissistic. Somehow, through high tech means, Djimon tracks down the renegade clones; meanwhile, Scarlett Johansson talks to her son on the phone . . . or, her donor's son, in actuality. Unfortunately for Djimon, before his team can capture Obi Wan and Scarlett Johansson, they're arrested by the LAPD. Djimon, staked with the authority to apprehend Obi Wan and Scarlett Johansson no matter what the cost, rams the LAPD's cruiser, unintentionally freeing Obi Wan and Scarlett Johansson from their bonds.
Obi Wan and Scarlett Johansson then attempt to escape on a tractor trailer but Djimon's mercenary force continue their pursuit. To facilitate their attempt at freedom, Obi Wan and Scarlett Johansson drop giant barbells from the back of the tractor trailer onto the road and, consequently, Djimon's Dodge Magnums. Honestly, I'm starting to feel really bad for the mercenaries, cops, and any other unfortunate victims because they're all just collateral damage at this point. Sadly, no one else seems to care. Anyway, after clearing the tractor trailer of giant barbells which is then disabled . . . and the driver probably killed in the process, Obi Wan and Scarlett Johansson team up to steal a flying motorcycle which sounds remarkably like a speeder bike from Return of the Jedi. OK . . . now I call "unoriginality"! Somehow, Obi Wan and Scarlett Johansson end up driving through a skyscraper great, more collateral damage and onto a giant "R" on the side of the building. Djimon's team accidentally shoots the "R" off the building and, on its way down with Obi Wan and Scarlett Johansson along for the ride, it hits one of Djimon's helicopters. OK, I'm losing track of the implied death toll at this point. Luckily for Obi Wan and Scarlett Johansson, once they hit the ground they're perfectly unharmed. I guess the Force was with them.
Back at the facility, the crazy paranoid guy from earlier in the film voices his concerns to Dr. Boromir . . . who listens intently and then kills the guy. Then, Dr. Boromir orders that he wants all of the other clones of that generation taken care of too. Dum-dum-DUM! Meanwhile, in Los Angeles, Obi Wan and Scarlett Johansson chill out for a bit and then they go in search of Obi Wan's donor. Once at Obi Wan's donor's pad, they're attacked . . . by Ewan McGregor! Or, at least, a reasonable facsimile therein . . . and that was quite an ironic turn of phrase. Anyway, while Dr. Boromir discovers, much to his horror, the origins of Obi Wan's amazing mental development, Ewan McGregor hits on Scarlett Johansson back at his bachelor pad. After Obi Wan breaks up the googly eyes, he and Ewan McGregor argue for a bit and then Ewan McGregor confesses that he's dying of the Hep. He doesn't have time to get dour, though, because he mocks Obi Wan's virginity, mainly because Obi Wan hasn't taken the time to break himself off a bit of Scarlett Johansson. Obi Wan, meanwhile, wants to get on TV to tell the world about Dr. Boromir's sinister doings and he needs Ewan McGregor's help to do it. Instead, Ewan McGregor calls Dr. Boromir to complain and plot against his clone but, remarkably, a very astute Scarlett Johansson is on to the ruse. Ooh . . . there's skullduggery afoot!
Leaving Scarlett Johansson behind to wander around Ewan McGregor's pad, Obi Wan and Ewan McGregor take to the streets and head to the local television station. Along the way, Ewan McGregor betrays his clone but Obi Wan, at the wheel, drives off with his donor in tow . . . and Djimon on their tail! Along the way to somewhere, Obi Wan and Ewan McGregor fight in the car and then, somehow, they end up in an abandoned warehouse. Ah, there's nothing like a good, old fashioned cliché. Obi Wan and Ewan McGregor end up in a standoff and then Djimon shows up to complicate matters. After what seems like many tense hours in real time, no less, Obi Wan outsmarts Ewan McGregor and Djimon and Ewan McGregor gets shot to death in the process. I guess he wasn't really going to die from hepatitis after all.
After the shooting, Obi Wan and Djimon have a little chat about the state of the situation they're embroiled in and then Obi Wan goes back to Ewan McGregor's place to pick up Scarlett Johansson. Once there, she pulls a gun on him believing Obi Wan to be Ewan McGregor and, once he convinces her otherwise, they make out and get it on. Over at the facility, Dr. Boromir discovers, much to his chagrin, what's wrong with Obi Wan and his ilk: they're flawed with human curiosity. To that end, Dr. Boromir orders a mass recall of those of Obi Wan's generation and even subsequent models. Meanwhile, Dr. Boromir's press agent (Kim Coates) calls Obi Wan and, believing him to be Ewan McGregor, requests a follow-up scan to replace the defective Obi Wan. Dr. Boromir, initiating his recall, orders the offending clones to be culled from the population via the lottery . . . and ne'er to be seen again.
Obi Wan, emboldened by the power of hot sex, plans to enact his REVENGE against Dr. Boromir by sabotaging the institute. He heads off, leaving Scarlett Johansson behind to buy people ice cream and get herself captured by Djimon in the process. That's rather sexist: the movie leaves Scarlett Johansson to her own devices and, almost instantaneously, she screws everything up. Djimon, rather conscientiously, bonds with her on the way to the institute and then he drops her off. Scarlett Johansson is prepped for surgery while still wearing a T-shirt and jeans; that seems rather unsanitary but it's all for naught as she pulls out a gun and breaks out of the operating room! Ah . . . my misgivings were unjustified as her stupidity was all a ruse. Well played, Ms. Johansson; well played indeed.
Scarlett Johansson then tracks down Obi Wan, who pummeled Dr. Boromir's unfortunate press agent into unconsciousness moments earlier, and they split up to wreak havoc throughout the facility. While the heroes go off to do whatever, Djimon confronts Dr. Boromir about just what's going on at the facility because Djimon is a mercenary with serious ethical issues about what Dr. Boromir is doing. Aww . . . he's the mercenary with a heart of gold. Dr. Boromir, through their little debate, reveals that he unsurprisingly has a God complex and then he finds out that Obi Wan isn't dead but Ewan McGregor is! Dum-dum-DUM!
While the track-suit cops round up the "defective" clones and corral them in an incinerator, Djimon subdues Scarlett Johansson and then, in a not-so-shocking turn of events, they collaborate to rescue the clones from a fiery demise. Elsewhere, Obi Wan attempts to shut off the tractor beam I mean "holographic generator" -- and he succeeds! He doesn't have much time to celebrate, however, as he's shot in the back by Dr. Boromir with a miniature harpoon. As this isn't a fatal wound, Obi Wan recovers to fight his megalomaniacal nemesis while, in a room adjacent, a turbine collapses and explodes. Using that as a distraction, Obi Wan shoots Dr. Boromir with a harpoon in the throat and then Dr. Boromir, through a convoluted series of events, gets strangled by the harpoon line. In the aftermath, the clones escape the facility which probably isn't a good thing, in retrospect while Obi Wan and Scarlett Johansson steal a boat from Ewan McGregor's estate and live on the high seas.
Though after seeing this confusing, convoluted film it isn't surprising, Michael Bay himself was shocked when The Island failed to impress at the box office, especially following his run of smash hits. To that end, Bay famously blamed the fact that Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson weren't famous enough to carry the film and that was the reason for the film's disappointing take. Petulance, thy name is "Michael Bay." Of course, the fact that the film is filled with plot holes and muddles its rather interesting bioethical studies with contrived action set pieces has nothing to do with it, I'm sure. Then again, perhaps the unoriginality of the concept MSTies have their revenge, after all adds to the collapse of this film. Or it could just be a Misunderstood Masterpiece. Now, could someone please tell me why I STILL want to see Transformers?
Join me next week as a trio of young, hot actors get together to rip off a plotline merging Short Circuit and Chopping Mall with a little bit of Firefox thrown in for good measure. Wow . . . action movies really are unoriginal sometimes, aren't they? See you then!
