I'm Not Going to Lie 04.28.07: Geek Pandemonium
Posted by Nick Wallander on 04.28.2007
This honestly was a real interesting week: Geeks of the world were punked out by some internet joker. Others are leaving their parents’ basements to get in line for Spiderman 3. The hardcore geeks lost another show starring Nathan Fillion. Somehow amongst all this, Richard Gere somehow takes the cake.
I'm not gonna lie…
The blunt and honest opinions on this week's entertainment news.
First and foremost I would like to apologize for the seemingly brief nature of last week's column. Things were a little hectic on the home front and I did the best that I could. Welcome back to the three of you that faithfully read what I have to say. Word has it that we could be up to five by the end of the month and that is amazing because that is about as many people who watched "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" on NBC.
If you are new to this column you probably want some idea of what to expect. Each week hundreds of movie and television stories hit the web like hookers to a penicillin stand. I do my best to sift through them and comment on some of the more interesting ones. Don't expect the typical reactions from me. It is safe to say that you can expect me to say some harsh things, some blunt truths, and some things that just shouldn't come out of anyone's mouth. Little is sacred here and hopefully you have a demented sense of humor that will appreciate that.
There was an empty spot for me this week with the absence of our dear friend Sanjaya on "Idol". I really enjoyed yelling at the TV each week, telling him to get a haircut as if he could hear every word that I say. I'm not gonna lie. I am in the Sanjaya supporter camp. He made some waves on a stale show and I appreciated that. It would be great to interview him for this column, so if any of you know people who know people, get in touch with me. I just am aching to ask him if he tries to look like a girl or if it is just natural.
I think there is a great column lined up this week. Here is a rundown of what is on tap for the fifth week here at I'm Not Gonna Lie:
- Some exciting news that is almost too easy to ridicule.
- I will be using some feedback from one of our readers
- I "bust" out some thoughts on a show I watch. One that I happen to keep on the down low.
- Sun's baby daddy drama on "LOST" makes me write more than I should have to.
It is time for some honesty…
THE JOKE WAS ON US AS SOME WEB GEEK FOOLS THE WORLD WITH PHOTO-SHOPPED PICTURES OF WHAT LOOKED TO BE COLOR TESTS FOR THE NEXT BATMAN FLICK, "THE DARK KNIGHT".
I suppose it was a case of April's Fools. Hell, some might call it a geek's wet dream of a practical joke. Internet fandom was chattering away about this picture:
That picture circulated on sites like Ain't it Cool News and immediately had people talking. Some liked it, some didn't. There was a lot of questioning because there was indeed a resemblance to this pic released this past weekend:
Clearly there is a chance that they could be connected, but the smart ones out there immediately called hoax. On Monday, the man who created the picture came clean and even showed the source material (somewhere on this message board). First of all, who does that? Seriously, it is a total waste of your time to hoax a picture with the sole goal to get your rocks off by fooling other people who live in their parents' basements (just like you). It is a good thing that this guy can photoshop because it is a skill that will come in handy when he is at his twenty fifth class reunion fooling people that he has a supermodel wife.
Personally, that picture really didn't impress me. It doesn't even look like Heath Ledger. It looks more like a production photo for a Halloween episode of "Boy Meets World". Doesn't it look like a strung out Rider Strong with some green hair and a face deformation?
ONE OF ‘THE DONALD'S' WANNABE APPRENTICES TO POSE NUDE FOR PLAYBOY
Quick quiz…
Question 1: How many of you regularly watch "The Apprentice"?
Question 2: How many of knew it was still on the air?
Question 3: If it were still 2004, might we care?
The answers, in order are: Seventeen, seventeen, and no we wouldn't.
Kristine Lefebvre, the ex "Apprentice" cast member is the one who is going to be posing for Hef and company. I haven't even watched the show in two years now so I can't tell you much about her. She is pretty damn attractive for a 37 year old woman. However, she isn't worth running out to buy the magazine. Fortunately for me, the tenant who rented my apartment before me forgot to cancel his subscription. Ha, sucker.
Props go to Lefebvre for stating that she is doing this to support those with cancer. I don't see the correlation in the slightest. But hey, who am I to argue if it turns out women posing nude happens to be an effective treatment for cancer? Expect some air brushing.
"DISTURBIA" TAKES THE BOX OFFICE FOR A SECOND WEEK IN A ROW
It brought in $13.5 million to be exact. That would bring it to over $40 million in two weeks time. That is not bad for a movie that everyone called a "Rear Window" rip-off. Shia LaBeouf is probably thrilled that he is finally inching away from his near permanent identity as the annoying kid from "Even Stevens". Well, not that I personally know that he was annoying on that show. It is just what I heard from all my friends. Okay, so maybe I watched a couple times because the sister was kind of hot. I wonder if she was legal yet.
The box office was not impressive as a whole with "Grindhouse" seemingly falling off the charts already. It is a sad day when Kurt Russell is getting his ass handed to him by a Disney Channel child star (and ironic). LaBeouf is going to be discussed a lot in the coming months with "Transformers" on its way and the "Indiana Jones" movie filming. He and Joseph Gordon Levitt might just be at the head of the next generation of male superstars. That or they will be on the "Surreal Life" before they turn 30.
"ROBOT CHICKEN" TO DO A STAR WARS SPOOF EPISODE WITH BOTH LUCAS AND HAMILL INVOLVED
First of all, zip up your pants. Now pull out a pen and mark your calendars for June 17. That is when Adult Swim on the Cartoon Network will air this half hour special which was made in collaboration and full support from LucasFilms. One could only assume that "Robot Chicken" wanted to have its way with the entire franchise. However, with George Lucas fully cooperating on this project, it is probably going to wreak of Episode I quality. Lucas can be kind of a bitch about the "Star Wars" franchise and will freak out if people use even the slightest bit of material from the franchise, so it is surprising that he would go along with such a thing. I can only imagine that we will get thrilling dialogue like this:
Obi Wan: Only a Sith Lord deals in absolutes. I will do what I must.
Anakin: You WILL TRY
Obi Wan: Dammit Anakin, there is no try. There is do or do not!
Anakin: I don't believe in continuity. Neither should Yoda!
That will be Lucas's way of apologizing for crap. Well, they really better get Hayden Christianson to provide his voice because his stiff performance will make more sense when an action figure is on screen. Speaking of voice talent we also will get to hear such stars as Conan O'Brien, Malcolm McDowell, Hulk Hogan, James Van Der Beek, Donald Faison, and Joey Fatone. To be honest, they had me at Conan. This thing is actually going to be decent and is the kind of thing that Lucas needs to do more of. He has made his billions off of Star Wars, so it is about time that he had some fun with it
WAL-MART TO PULL A FAST ONE ON THE BLU-RAY DVD FORMAT
The news on the web reports that Wal-Mart has commissioned a company in China to mass produce inexpensive HD-DVD players. These DVD players are rumored to sell for under $299, which would be an industry low. Why is this big news? Well, because Wal-Mart sells 40% of the country's DVDs. Think economics for a minute. Wal-Mart is the shopping haven for middle and low America, so if that whole demographic suddenly can afford the next generation of DVD then it means the HD format will get a boom in business. That means Blu-Ray will have to grab its ankles and take it as if it had a run in with Big Bubba in the slammer. Hell, that could even affect the Playstation 3 to some extent.
Of course this means that Wal-Mart may have to start pushing the sale of HD televisions as well. They are such an evil corporation. Granted they are ruining small businesses in America, I want an HD television from them. If prices on those drop a bit soon I can't help but buy one from Satan.
FOX CANCELS DRIVE
The show was on for a grand total of two whole weeks. During the course of that two week run, four hours of the show aired. Supposedly there were thirteen filmed. If you hadn't seen the show it is about a mysterious cross country road trip. There is a diverse set of drivers who all have some conflicted reason for entering the race. Some would describe it as "Lost" on wheels.
It seems like Nathan Fillion can't cut any sort of break. "Drive" was not a horrible show. One would argue that it was starting to hit its stride. The mentally challenged people at FOX seemed to think that mid April is a good time to start airing a new television series. It is hard to hook people on something new when they would probably rather watch a show that was already established in that time slot six months earlier. Someday the executives at FOX will get the crayon removed from their brain and all will be fine. No, it won't bring "Firefly", "Wonderfalls", or "Drive" back, but they might just get it right someday.
This gets me to thinking about great shows that had been cancelled before they got their fair shot. Which show most comes to mind when you think about this? I would like to know what you think about this, so please share with me.
RICHARD GERE TO BE ARRESTED
Yes, you did read that headline correctly. Like most of you, I never expected me to mention Richard Gere's name if it didn't involve a gerbil. I'd explain that one to you, but it would be a lot more entertaining if you just googled it. So, what the hell happened, Richard?
The reports say that Gere was in New Delhi last week for an AIDS awareness event. That seems innocent enough, so there obviously is more. Gere was onstage with Indian star Shilpa Shetty, who is some sort of Bollywood megastar. That doesn't appear to be so bad either. Oh, he apparently twirled her around, arched her over, and kissed her several times on the cheek. Apparently this was an obscene act that needed to be avenged. In case you were wondering, it was the cheek on her face, nowhere else. Indian culture apparently has a strict law on public affection like that. Okay, so it isn't all that absurd. The problem was that dirty old Gere had no idea about this. There is now a warrant out for his arrest (warm up the white Bronco).
Now the old man could face a fine and up to three months in prison. That seems a bit harsh. In Singapore one might expect this. Perhaps the Indian government can cut the guy some slack. Once they google "Richard Gere + gerbil" they will understand that they sure got off easy. Actually, they wouldn't have been the only ones who got off easy.
Gere wants this whole mess to disappear. Personally, I feel like it needs to be dragged out and sent to a full trial. Court TV could use something interesting since Michael Jackson retired from having sex with children.
SANJAYA WATCH
I lied..
Just when I was ready to count this morose son of a bitch right out of the news, he has to surprise me by popping up in a few stories. First, the kid was in the audience on the big historic cluster-fuck "Idol" charity episode this week. Even when he wasn't on stage he managed to steal the show when Simon told Jack Black he performed better than the 17 year old Sanjaya. Why do I feel that this kid's name will be slang for a household term?
"Oops, I just Sanjayaed in my pants"
"I just Sanjayaed my final exam"
"No honey, I won't partake in a Dirty Sanjaya. What kind of woman do you think I am?"
Those could all work. Speaking of work, our friend Sanjaya wants to find some work. According to the people on the interwebs, he is hoping to pursue a career in acting and modeling. Sorry kid, but we've all seen you.
That really doesn't scream sexy at all.
Moving on…
Something to creepy you out before we move on…
THIS WEEK'S BIT OF LOST LOGIC
I will tell you what is so illogical that it isn't even funny! Mikhail is alive. Yeah, you remember him, don't you folks? He was the Russian man with an eye patch that lived up in the communications hut while doing evil work for the others. He is the same one eyed Russian man who Locke threw through the security fence. Every true "Lost" fan was probably ready to give a big "F-U" to the writers of the show. It honestly never felt so good to be pissed off by a plot development.
Speaking of such plot developments, the lady who fell from the sky (ABC refers to her as Naomi) claims that the wreckage of Flight 815 was found and there were no survivors. Many people were ready to jump back on the purgatory bandwagon, but that would be completely illogical. The easiest solution is that Mitellos, the company that seems to be associated with The Others, set up some wreckage in the ocean to make it appear to be Flight 815. That is one way they could stop the search and be secure in that the island wouldn't be found.
Sun gets the bonus points this week for getting all up in Juliet's grill. She may not have gotten all the answers she wanted, but she at least asked all the right questions. Her distrust of Jack was actually logical if you consider the last man who spent an extended visit with The Others came back and shot Ana Lucia and Libby.
Oh, and Juliet is still a bitch, even if she does hate Ben.
DON'T TELL ANYBODY BUT THIS WEEK I WATCHED…
"Mythbusters". Actually, I watched a whole bundle of episodes on the Discovery Channel, On Demand, and even on my iPod. This show really needs to get considered for an Emmy for best reality series. Never in my life have I been so interested in science. Even when we learned about human anatomy in sixth grade and we got to see girl parts, I was not as interested as I am in "Mythbusters". If you haven't seen this show, you probably are living an unfulfilled life. You might want to turn it on before you find a box cutter or something else sharp.
No other show tests to see if you can really blow up a car by firing a gun at the gas tank. A more interesting episode had the crew trying to beat security systems based on myths on how to do so. I now know how to beat a motion detector. It is surprisingly simpler than you ever would have guessed. There are generally several episodes on during any given day. I suggest this for whenever you need something to pass the time. But if anyone asks, you don't watch that kind of geeky crap. Neither do I.
WHAT I THOUGHT
I got some feedback last week! A shout out goes to my friend Joe who sent in a couple comments and some ideas on how to spice this thing up. The man had some inspirational words and I would like to share a couple of his ideas with you.
His first suggestion was that I show more of this:
That, my friends, was Evangeline Lily. You might know here from a little show on ABC called "Lost". I was informed that you guys might appreciate a few pictures of pretty women. Joe claimed that you all might respond more favorably to that. He also told me that if I want feedback that I need to piss you all off. So, it needs to be said that Evangeline Lily is a dirty tramp who wreaks like a crack addicted Taiwanese whore. She has a fat ass and needs to wear some sort of muzzle because nobody wants to be bitten by a dog.
Suck on that!
That's what she said….
SCHRUTABLES
From this week's episode of "The Office" (The best comedy on television):
Jim: Question. What kind of bear is best?
Dwight: That is a ridiculous question.
Jim: False. Black Bear.
Dwight: Well, that's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought-
Jim: Fact. Bears eat beats. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica
Dwight: Bears do not- What is going on? What are you doing?
(moments later)
Dwight: You know what, imitation is the sincere form of flattery so I thank you.
(Jim takes out a mimic Dwight bobble head and puts it on his desk.)
Dwight: Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!
Jim: Michael!
"Spiderman 3" hits theaters this coming Friday. Many theaters are showing the movie at midnight to appease many of you reading this now. It may be the most anticipated movie of the summer, if not in years. As many of you know, the movie features a whole gallery of villains which include New Green Goblin, Sandman, and the fan favorite Venom. There is a lot of speculation as to how this will work on screen. Friday we get to find out. I can wait until then, but it got me thinking about comic book movies in general.
Is there a specific comic movie that you would like to see made? How about a remake? What villains would you like to see? Who should be cast in the various roles? Will the movie-going public care? These are all important questions that I extend your way. I want to hear what you think. What is your perfect comic book movie pitch? Send us an email and we'll share it with our readers.
HERE'S THE THING
Thanks for reading this week's column. Hopefully something here caught your attention. If it did, I would love to know. If it didn't, I'd like to know why. I can promise you that I will send you some form of response.
Before we wrap this up, I just want to give you all a rundown of things I am looking forward to this week in the world of movies and television:
Monday: "Heroes" on NBC. We get an episode that takes place five years in the future. It is an interesting concept.
Wednesday: TWO people will be eliminated on "American Idol". How much more drama could you ask for? Also, expect an interesting episode of "Lost" as John Locke returns to camp to ask Sawyer to do some dirty work for him.
Thursday: "The Office" promises to deliver one of the best episodes of the season. A flasher visits Dunder Mifflin, which sends Dwight and Andy on hot pursuit to catch the guy. That has potential to be one of the funniest moments on television this year. If you think otherwise then you probably have no soul and will rot in hell with terrorists and child molesters.
Friday: 12:00 AM marks the premiere of "Spiderman 3". As I mentioned above, I look forward to it. Go see it. Twice. No, three times. This one needs to break all kinds of box office records. Also, I would appreciate it if it somehow gives "Superman Returns" returns even more shame.
That is it for this week. Have a great week. Don't forget to ask your mom if I left my boxers in her bed last week. I have been meaning to get those back.
