Misunderstood Masterpieces: Stealth

Posted by Will Helm on 05.01.2007

…or, Ladies and Gentlemen: Robo-Jet!

While usually associated with sci-fi movies, technology gone awry often creeps its way into other genres as well. With, perhaps, the Terminator franchise on the high end and terrible ‘80s horror flick Chopping Mall on the low end – and the woefully dated comedy Short Circuit and suspense flick WarGames somewhere in the middle, the threat of technology taking on a life of its own has become one of the more overused plot clichés in modern cinema. Though some films can break free of the traditions of this cliché and do something new and different, usually it just falls apart. However, it is a rare movie that does both . . . and that's what I have today.

Released in 2005, Stealth brought together some of the hottest properties in Hollywood as well as a fairly impressive supporting cast to take on the "technology gone awry" tradition. With the pedigree of the familiar plot, highly marketable actors Josh Lucas (a.k.a. fake Paul Newman), Jessica Biel, and Academy Award-winner Jamie Foxx joined forces to bring the film to life and, hopefully, success at the box office. Unfortunately for all involved, success was not to be found as Stealth went on to be, statistically, one of the biggest bombs ever. Shocking, huh? With a gross take of only about $31 million – which pales in comparison to the $135 million budget, Stealth failed in every way possible . . . but was the failure well earned? Or is Stealth yet another Misunderstood Masterpiece? Let's find out!

Sadly, Stealth doesn't take off perfectly as the first few minutes of the film are taken up by that legendary trait of any sci-fi-esque flick: the expository scrawl. According to the helpful letters on the screen, in the near future, the U.S. Navy has an experimental jet program and only three cool, futuristic planes . . . with three equally cool pilots to fly them. As the three planes fly over a random desert somewhere, some guy radios them to give them their mission du jour. After learning of their duties, some HOT CHICK pilot (Biel) blows up a truck and then her partners – fake Paul Newman and Jamie Foxx – incinerate anti-aircraft emplacements and more trucks. Look out, trucks! The future is comin' to get you! Finally, the three pilots cap it all off by exploding an abandoned mines filled with mannequins. Ooh . . . I bet they were evil, terrorist mannequins. Or borrowed on loan from Wal-Mart.

After the training mission finishes, the pilots' elderly commanding officer (Sam Shepard) calls up the Pentagon to brag a bit. While the commanding officer is busy chatting with the Secretary of Defense, the pilots bust in to hang out and celebrate. Don't they know the Secretary of Defense can have them eliminated for being rude? It's not impossible. Remember that for future reference. With the success of the mission, the commanding officer gives the pilots some good news: they're being assigned to an aircraft carrier. Unfortunately, he also has some bad news for them, as they're getting a mysterious new partner! After Jamie Foxx protest in some vaguely metaphysical way, the pilots take their leave and end up in a very stylish sushi restaurant, where the two male pilots make out with random chicks. I think they have the wrong kind of sushi on their minds. Jessica Biel, being a sensible woman, mocks her partners' libidos – and dates – and then they all end up at a club together . . . where Jessica Biel has no fun. Yeah, she'll be getting wild later in the picture.

Later, on the carrier, sailors and pilots do random tasks to kill time in the movie. I suppose the filmmakers are trying to show the crucial inner workings of an aircraft carrier but the scene really serves no practical purpose. After a sufficient amount of time – and my life – is wasted, the three pilots land triumphantly on the deck of the carrier and they strut. Tony Manero would be proud. That night, fake Paul Newman chats with the commanding officer until they're rudely interrupted by the pilots' new partner flying onto the flight deck: robo-jet! After robo-jet is carefully nestled in the bowels of the ship, the commanding officer gives the pilots a briefing about their new associate . . . but Jamie Foxx already knows a thing or two about the plane since he's a nerd. Meanwhile, the ship's captain (Joe Morton, who knows a thing or two about technology gone awry) is amazed but perturbed about robo-jet and he nervously jokes with fake Paul Newman about it, probably to quell his misgivings.

Over the course of the night, the three pilots study all the particulars about robo-jet . . . and Jamie Foxx dances. No, seriously. Fake Paul Newman, being the romantic lead of the picture, drops in on Jessica Biel for a "study break." Hmm . . . why do I sense a saxophone solo will be playing at any moment? Anyway, fake Paul Newman, who must be trying the "sensitive" route into Jessica Biel's pants, attempts to romance her by inferring to his sad upbringing. Unfortunately for fake Paul Newman, Jessica Biel isn't interested in his life history or his manhood; she's more concerned with losing her job as a pilot due to automation. Damned outsourcing! Perhaps in a symbolic moment, fake Paul Newman, being defeated, gets up to leave but he's momentarily halted by Jessica Biel's bra . . . hanging from a clothesline.

The next day, the ship's captain and the commanding officer bicker about the robo-jet experiment because the ship's captain doesn't like robo-jet being on his boat. The commanding officer isn't having any of it, however, as he sends his pilots to the air and, moments later, robo-jet joins them . . . and it talks to them in the creepy voice of Wentworth Miller. The commanding officer, as per his particular idiom, gives his pilots a command, specifically to help test out robo-jet with a few maneuvers. Things get a little more complicated, however, when the ship's captain passes a new mission to the commanding officer and robo-jet starts showing off for his squadron partners for no particular reason.

After a moment of deliberation, the commanding officer revises the pilots' current mission: instead of just hanging out with robo-jet, they're to hightail it to Rangoon to blow up some terrorists. To that end, the pilots go into hyperspeed and, along the way to Myanmar, they learn that a horde of terrorist leaders are meeting in an unoccupied building . . . surrounded by densely populated areas. Well, it's an action movie; collateral damage is to be expected. While the pilots voice their concerns about the potential catastrophic effects of the new mission, robo-jet hijacks some spy satellites to try and convince its partners that the ends justify the means . . . and then it starts strategizing how to reconcile the mission with the potential danger to the surrounding areas! Dum-dum-DUM! After robo-jet comes up with an alternative solution, the commanding officer is so impressed that he tells robo-jet to see it through. Fake Paul Newman, perhaps jealous that robo-jet is earning the commanding officer's respect over that of his pilots, elects to take on the mission himself; in the process, he nearly blacks out but he does blow up the building with minimal collateral damage. The commanding officer and the ship's captain, unsurprisingly, are elated . . . even though fake Paul Newman upstaged robo-jet.

On the way back from the remarkably successful mission, things take a turn for the worse as the pilots are forced to land in the midst of a raging deluge. While Jessica Biel and Jamie Foxx make it down safely, fake Paul Newman stays up with robo-jet and – unsurprisingly, as it's the most clichéd way for technology to go awry – robo-jet is struck by lightning! Fake Paul Newman freaks out but he deftly lands his plane; robo-jet, meanwhile, nearly crashes, but it makes it down intact as well. Later that night, fake Paul Newman visits robo-jet's helpful technician (Ebon Moss-Bachrach), who, while trying to repair robo-jet, believes that robo-jet may be possessed or something. Oh, and it also likes to illegally download music; I guess robo-jet doesn't have an iTunes account. The technician and fake Paul Newman, unsurprisingly, are concerned by robo-jet's startling behavior.

After his chat with the technician, fake Paul Newman meets with the commanding officer, who really isn't pleased that fake Paul Newman doesn't like flying with robo-jet. Fake Paul Newman takes the criticism in stride and, in the process, he stands up for humanity; unfortunately for him, the commanding officer doesn't care for lectures so, perhaps to appease fake Paul Newman, he gives his pilots a little time off in Thailand. Ah, there's nothing like a little Thai debauchery. Or not, as Jamie Foxx's first stop is a Buddhist temple. He's a soulful dancing nerd, I guess. Oh, and a player, as his next duty after visiting the temple is hitting on a Thai chick. Elsewhere, a bikini-clad Jessica Biel and fake Paul Newman "innocently" cavort in a waterfall and they photograph each other. I guess there's a manpower shortage in the future Navy because I'd say this is probably behavior unbecoming an officer, or something like that.

That evening, Jamie Foxx and fake Paul Newman argue about robo-jet over dinner and then Jessica Biel adopts Jamie Foxx's earlier metaphysical stance . . . until her hypothesis is rudely interrupted by the need to urinate. With Jessica Biel absent from the scene, Jamie Foxx confronts fake Paul Newman about the building tension between him and Jessica Biel, leading fake Paul Newman to confess that he's madly in love with Jessica Biel. I guess that cavorting in a Thai waterfall will have that effect on a man. Jamie Foxx, being a conscientious, soulful, dancing nerd/player, gives fake Paul Newman a stern talking-to about propriety and Jessica Biel's marketability. Well, her marketability must not be that good if this movie was a flop, so fake Paul Newman should be good to go.

The next day, Jamie Foxx and the Thai chick hang out in a rice paddy and he apes fake Paul Newman's "sensitive" approach from earlier in the film by stating that he really doesn't like the more visceral aspects of his chosen profession. Oh yeah; he's going to get some. Elsewhere, in a hilarious juxtaposition, Jessica Biel and fake Paul Newman argue about male sexuality and just how they tactfully dump one-night-stands. Somehow, over the course of the conversation, Jessica Biel infers that she's into fake Paul Newman but he tries to defuse the situation by hooking up with some Thai hookers. If that doesn't work, she's pretty gullible.

Unfortunately, before fake Paul Newman can find out the true gender of the hookers he picked up – sometimes it's hard to discern over there – he and his fellow pilots are called away on a mission . . . to beautiful Tajikistan! In addition, the pilots also learn that robo-jet is back online, mainly because the conscientious tech has been "reassigned" . . . probably to the bottom of the Indian Ocean. Fake Paul Newman, worried by the tech's absence, voices his concerns to the commanding officer but he's diplomatically overruled. In other words, he totally got told off. I guess once one gets to be a commanding officer, all diplomacy can be thrown out the window. Or the porthole as the case may be.

In Tajikistan, some oxen drag along nuclear warheads through a mountain pass. Ah . . . so that's what the terrorists are planning: atomic cattle! Those dastardly villains! At the sight of the nuclear oxen, some paramilitary stereotypes holed up in a castle celebrate; little do they know that the pilots – with robo-jet by their side – are on their way! Meanwhile, things aren't so peachy for the pilots either, as Jessica Biel discovers that, due to nuclear fallout, the potential for collateral damage on this mission dwarfs their earlier incident in Rangoon and she voices her concerns to the commanding officer. It seems that the commanding officer really doesn't mind irradiating some innocent farmers so fake Paul Newman bucks authority and calls off the mission. Robo-jet, being a robot, doesn't listen so it pulls a Leeroy Jenkins and goes in for attack. The pilots, begrudgingly as robo-jet is still their wingman, provide cover and, in the midst of the attack, a bunch of Tajikistanis get nuked. After the mission is finished, fake Paul Newman argues with robo-jet about the consequences of its actions but robo-jet counters by paraphrasing an ‘80s public service announcement and confessing that he learned it by watching fake Paul Newman!

After this startling development, demonic possession finally overtakes robo-jet and it goes haywire. While the commanding officer orders his underlings to contact robo-jet's programmer and the ship's captain stews in the periphery, the pilots chase a now rogue robo-jet. For reasons unknown to anyone at this point, robo-jet is flying off to Russia and, along the way, it sasses at Jamie Foxx, who's giving chase. While Jamie Foxx tries to reason with robo-jet, robo-jet channels Marlene Dietrich because it just wants to be alone. Either that, or robo-jet is just so totally Goth. While all of this is going on over central Asia, fake Paul Newman is busy arguing with the commanding officer because fake Paul Newman wants to shoot down robo-jet. To that end, he overrules the commanding officer and orders Jamie Foxx to take out robo-jet; unfortunately for all, Jamie Foxx fires a missile at robo-jet and then crashes in slow motion for no particular reason. Umm . . . yeah. Now, with Jamie Foxx out of the picture – figuratively and literally – and robo-jet on the loose, neither the commanding officer nor the pilots are happy.

With robo-jet a danger to the world and his career, the commanding officer orders fake Paul Newman and Jessica Biel to follow it until it runs out of gas. While fake Paul Newman is ready to go – and perhaps get some REVENGE, Jessica Biel has issues with her plane so fake Paul Newman orders her back to the carrier. On the carrier, meanwhile, the ship's captain tells the commanding officer that he's in a bit of trouble for the nuclear incident in Tajikistan but the commanding officer really doesn't care. Spoken like a true psychopath.

Somewhere in the air, rockin' robo-jet – as the "downloading music" gag pays off with a terrible soundtrack – rendezvous with a refueling blimp. Much to robo-jet's surprise, the blimp was locked down before robo-jet got there, so it forcibly refuels with a few well placed machine-gun rounds. Elsewhere, Jessica Biel's plane fails and she's forced to eject . . . over North Korea! Dum-dum-DUM! After she's forced to dodge her plane's debris in midair and her parachute catches on fire, Jessica Biel gets caught up in some pine trees and hits the ground with few major injuries. The commanding officer, concerned only with robo-jet, abandons Jessica Biel to the wilds of North Korea and the possible whims of Kim Jong Il. He is rather ronery, as I've heard.

On the tail of robo-jet and desperately in need of fuel, fake Paul Newman gets to the refueling blimp where he's shocked and endangered by robo-jet's aftermath but he elects to refuel – and try not to ignite the cloud of fuel in the air – anyway. While fake Paul Newman takes a few minutes to rest, robo-jet shows up out of the (literal) blue for REVENGE! Though fake Paul Newman tries to reason with robo-jet, robo-jet responds by igniting the floating fuel, forcing fake Paul Newman to escape hastily.

Meanwhile, in Seattle, the robo-jet's programmer (Misunderstood Masterpieces veteran Richard Roxburgh) studies robo-jet's coding and, apparently, there's a mysterious file in its "brain." After a bit of a tense argument with the commanding officer about it, the programmer discovers the contents of the file and it involves blowing up a covert research facility in Siberia! Over in North Korea, Jessica Biel runs around and strips until she's interrupted by a little girl. Gee, thanks little girl. On the carrier, the commanding officer has an argument with the Secretary of Defense and he decides that the safest course of action would be to let the Russians shoot down robo-jet. With that course of action in effect and while robo-jet sasses at fake Paul Newman, they're attacked by a flight of Russian jets! Together, robo-jet and fake Paul Newman shoot down the Russians – poor, innocent Russians, caught up in something beyond their control – and, in the process, fake Paul Newman nudges robo-jet to get its attention.

Now, with robo-jet slightly injured, fake Paul Newman finally succeeds in exorcising robo-jet's demons. Quite triumphantly, fake Paul Newman calls the commanding officer to inform him of the status of the mission and find out about Jessica Biel. After the commanding officer tells fake Paul Newman and robo-jet to land at a secret base in Alaska, he states that Jessica Biel made it back to the carrier just fine. Unfortunately for the commanding officer, robo-jet later tells fake Paul Newman that the commanding officer was lying the whole time and, in fact, robo-jet then tells fake Paul Newman the truth about Jessica Biel. Umm . . . she was on 7th Heaven? She's really a man?

Speaking of Jessica Biel, the North Korean army is now after her, so she runs a little faster and more dramatically into the wilderness. Meanwhile, fake Paul Newman loses an engine over Alaska but, much to his piloting prowess' credit, he lands relatively fine and alive, though the same can't be said for his plane. Things do turn from bad to worse, however, as, once inside the secret base, fake Paul Newman visits a doctor who tries to kill him. Whoa? Where did this plot come from? I'm already shocked that robo-jet wasn't chased for the last half of the movie until a dramatic dogfight breaks out, but now there's intrigue and skullduggery? What's going on!

Over in North Korea, Jessica Biel gets shot in the shoulder but she keeps walking dramatically. She's tough; she's a woman after all. Meanwhile, the commanding officer has the programmer forcibly escorted to Alaska where he wants robo-jet's memory erased. Elsewhere on the base, fake Paul Newman goes into full Solid Snake mode and he sneaks around the compound and avoids making giant exclamation points appear over the guards' heads. Meanwhile, the programmer learns some interesting things about robo-jet, specifically that it now has him outsmarted and it feels bad for what it did to Jamie Foxx and the innocent Tajikistani farmers. Fake Paul Newman, on the other hand, doesn't have those same compunctions as he shows up and starts killing people and, in the process, he rescues the programmer . . . and hijacks robo-jet!

After reconciling with robo-jet, fake Paul Newman blows up a bunch of guys and then he and robo-jet fly off to North Korea to save Jessica Biel. Along the way, fake Paul Newman calls the ship's captain – a.k.a. "the helpful, sympathetic character" – and fake Paul Newman tells him all about what's being going on behind the scenes. Dum-dum-DUM! While Jessica Biel shoots at the North Koreans, robo-jet hangs up on the ship's captain – who, for some reason, went into "lecture" mode. Back on the aircraft carrier, the ship's captain rounds up some Marines and they all confront the commanding officer to arrest him. The commanding officer, at the end of his rope, requests a few moments from the ship's captain – probably to pack up a clean pair of underwear or something – and then the commanding officer goes to the lavatory where he calls the Secretary of Defense and kills himself on voice-mail. Classy.

In North Korea, Jessica Biel limps to the demilitarized zone and she gets shot at by the North Koreans yet again. She does have enough gumption to shoot back, however, until a crazy German shepherd heads her way with blood on its mind. Before Jessica Biel is anticlimactically mauled by the dog, stuff starts blowing up to herald the arrival of fake Paul Newman and robo-jet! Fake Paul Newman lands robo-jet and he exits to help Jessica Biel to the border; unfortunately, he doesn't stop to explain that, even though robo-jet killed Jamie Foxx, they're cool now. Then, a helicopter shows up, seeking to end fake Paul Newman and Jessica Biel's little jaunt. Robo-jet, perhaps seeing an opportunity for atonement, crashes into the helicopter, which allows fake Paul Newman and Jessica Biel to reach the border. Back on the carrier, the sailors hold a funeral for Jamie Foxx – but not the commanding officer, interestingly; I guess the writers didn't want to get caught up in the politics of military suicide – and then fake Paul Newman and Jessica Biel bond. How sweet.

Stealth has to be one of the strangest action films I've seen in a long time. While the idea of a film involving a long, drawn out chase and dogfight is a bit unoriginal, there is quite a lot of opportunity for variations on this theme. Unfortunately, instead of playing with that cliché, Stealth elects to do a total end around and changes the plot halfway through. Of course, it doesn't help that the main plot takes nearly an hour to kick in – that's about the point where robo-jet goes rogue; in addition, that "main plot" only lasts for about twenty minutes before the big – and unneeded – turn. As per usual, whenever a film totally goes back on itself to be something it's not – or doesn't need to be, it can only be considered a Misunderstood Masterpiece!

Join me next week as study whether the coolness of Ice Cube and the Awesome Power of Samuel L. Jackson™ adds up to a successful movie. See you then!