My Correct Opinion: Kirsten Dunst, Super Genius

Posted by Trevor Snyder on 05.01.2007

Yep, it sure must suck to star in the Spider-Man films.

Hey folks, Trevor Snyder here. You might know me as your weekly Top 5 host, or maybe you know me as the guy who writes the really long movie reviews. Either way, welcome to the inaugural edition of My Correct Opinion, my new semi-regular column. It probably won't be weekly; hell, I can't even promise it will be monthly. But rest assured, whenever something worth bitching about crosses my mind, I'll be here to share it. And what better way to kick things off than to be unnecessarily mean to a woman who has never done me no wrong – Ms. Kirsten Dunce…err, Dunst.


With the eagerly anticipated Spider-Man 3 on the way, and expected to be another smash hit, it's not at all surprising that Sony and Columbia pictures have already begun thinking ahead to a fourth installment, reportedly talking to famed screenwriter David Koepp about writing the continuing adventures of everyone's favorite web-slinger.

Well, tell Sony and Columbia that they can rest easy, and let Mr. Koepp know that he can take the day off. No offense, guy, but your services won't be needed. Luckily for everyone involved, none other than Spider-Man series star herself, Kirsten Dunst, has a doozy of an idea for the next film.

"The idea I had for the fourth Spider-Man," Dunst explains in the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly, "is to do it low-budget. Do the special effects kind of janky, like Evil Dead-style. Mary Jane gets pregnant and has, like, eight babies – like a spider would. The movie would be kind of like Rosemary's Baby. You'd lose some of your kid audience, but you'd get this whole other audience. And you'd make so much money. You'd spend what, like, $10 million at the most? They could go back to Sam Raimi's original kind of vibe."

It's official – Kirsten Dunst is, like, so retarded.

OK, I admit, that's a little harsh; and before this goes any further I will say that Ms. Dunst is probably a nice, pleasant person in everyday life. Hell, there was a time I even considered myself a fan – for instance, I thought she was quite good in Drop Dead Gorgeous and Bring It On (what, a grown man can't like a cheerleader movie??). And, yes, she is decent in the Spider-Man series.

That all being said, could we maybe do something about never letting her open her mouth for another interview? Because it seems like every time I read or hear her talking, especially about the Spider-Man films, I find it harder and harder to remember the good things, and instead can only wonder why Sony/Columbia would let such a moron near a live microphone.

Then again, maybe I'm the only person who feels this way. After all, no less than Sam Raimi himself was apparently impressed by Dunst's amazing Spider-Man 4 idea. Or, at least, that's how she tells it.

"I proposed it to Sam," Dunst says. "I think he might be into it."

Yeah, can't you just picture how that conversation went?

Kirsten: Hey, Sam, I have, like, a totally cool idea for the next movie!!

Sam: Ugh (under his breath)…alright, Kirsten, let's hear it.

One Minute Later

Kirsten: And that's it! So, like, what do you think?

Sam: ……uhh….yeah….that's great, Kirsten…uhhh, hey, what's that? (Sam proceeds to throw imaginary ball, which Kirsten dutifully chases after)

But, wait, she's not done yet. You have yet to hear Dunst's brilliant capper to the whole idea.

"Also," Dunst continued in EW, "I think we should set it at the time the original comics first came out. That would be really interesting."

So, let's consider this. Not only does Dunst want them to risk the future of one of the most successful franchises of all time by suddenly turning it into a low-budget horror film, but she would also like to see the series' characters inexplicably time-warped back to the 1960's in the next film? Quick, somebody give this girl her own studio – she's starting to think like a real Hollywood executive!!

Now, as I'm sure many will point out, there's a chance that Dunst was kidding about all this. I'm not confident about it, but I suppose it's a possibility. My natural inclination, however, is to assume she's telling the truth, if only because she seems so bored with doing these Spider-Man films that I bet she's up for any bat-shit crazy idea to make the next one a little different for her.

And there, I suppose, is where my real problem with Dunst lies. Since the series began it seems like everytime I see Dunst interviewed she's expressing her desire for it all to be over with. Heck, I even remember her saying, during the press for the last film, that she thought the movie should end with Spider-Man accidentally swinging Mary Jane into a brick wall and killing her.

Yeah, it must be really horrible playing an iconic character in a beloved, mega-successful series that not only rakes in boatloads of cash, but is even critically-acclaimed as well. God, how could you possibly stand it?

Maybe it is how big the series is, and how famous it has made Dunst, that forms her problem with it. There's a memorable moment in the EW article in which Dunst and Tobey Maguire are overwhelmed by attention from onlookers while filming scenes for Spider-Man 3 in New York City. While fans shout "Kirsten, we love you," Dunst is said to be curled up in a folding chair, and says, "I wish I had cardboard to hold up to my face." Yep, having fans love you can be a real drag.

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure Dunst's annoyance is somewhat valid, and we all know how irritating paparazzi can be. However, for his part, Maguire seems to have a better handle on it. "As an actor, you're used to it," Maguire says, regarding the shouting onlookers. Besides, Maguire explains, he understands how excited the New York fans get when it comes to seeing the movie being filmed in their own backyard, given that the films take place in NYC. "They feel like it's their film, too," he says. "Spider-Man belongs to them."

With that one comment, Maguire shows an understanding for how important these characters and movies are for people, an understanding that Dunst has never really expressed (at least not that I've seen). And there's my point – maybe the reason Dunst apparently feels like it's such a drag to do these movies is because she has never really cared about Spider-Man or the fans who love him.

Granted, Maguire is not innocent of this, either, as he himself has also said things that make you wonder if he doesn't consider these films to be a little below him, and has often made other statements that clearly show off his lack of knowledge about the character. My favorite, so to speak, was when he questioned the need for a fourth Spider-Man, wondering if there are really any more good stories to tell. Oh, yeah, Tobey, the comic has been going strong since the ‘60s, but you guys managed to hit the only three good stories.

Maybe this is just the comic-book nerd in me talking, but is it so wrong to wish that the actors chosen to bring our favorite characters to life actually, you know, give a damn about said characters? Say what you will about The Punisher or the recent Ghost Rider; at least Thomas Jane and Nicolas Cage are full-out fanboys, and not afraid to admit it. Sure, the films werent all that great, but you certainly can't blame the actors, who I know love those characters and wanted nothing more than to do them justice. Even Christian Bale, who admittedly is not a comic-book fan, took the time to research the character and what makes him so unique by reading several seminal Batman books. I could be wrong about this, but for some reason I just can't really picture Maguire or Dunst picking up a Spider-Man comic for any reason other than to sign it for a fan (you know, as long as the fan isn't annoying or anything).

Still, Maguire has at least shown that he has come to love being in the movies, if nothing else. I don't doubt that, on some level, Dunst does as well, but she sure never goes out of her way to show it. Instead, she usually comes across as the exact opposite of the Spider-Man fans. We can barely wait for each new installment; she just can't wait for each one to be done and over with.

If that's the case, maybe its time to start looking for a new Mary Jane. Then again, it doesn't look like Dunst is ready to allow that to happen anytime soon, either. For as much as she never seems excited about the series, the idea of someone else replacing her is apparently even less thrilling. As she explains in the EW article, the possibility of a fourth Spider-Man film with a different director and cast is not cool with her. "It's disrespectful to the whole team," she says, "I think, to do that."

Hey, Kirsten, I hate Hollywood's usual insistence on money over creativity as much as the next guy, but a desire to keep one of the biggest franchises around going, even if the original talent doesn't return, is not exactly "disrespectful." It's just smart business. In fact, if they were to make a fourth Spider-Man with a new team, but one who truly loves and cares about the characters, I would consider that a little respectful to the fans than, say, suddenly turning the series into a cheapo Rosemary's Baby clone.

But don't tell that to her, especially since she knows full what the fans want. "Audiences aren't stupid," Dunst continues. "It'd be a big flop without me, Tobey, or Sam. That would be really not the smartest move. But they know that already."

Uhh, sorry, Kirsten, but…WRONG! Yeah, I'm sure there might be a little drop-off if any of the core three don't come back next time, but "a big flop?" Oh, I doubt it.

Let's break this down, shall we? When it comes to the Spider-Man fanbase, there are two camps: the comic book fans, and the regular movie fans. Guess what? Neither one of them is going to see Spider-Man for the Dunst factor. As far as the comic fans are concerned, the only irreplaceable person is Raimi. He's the real star to them, for good reason – he's one of us, and his love and enthusiasm for the characters more than makes up for Maguire and Dunst's apparent lack of interest in the comic's history. Sure, the fanboys would have some concern over cast changes, but as long as Raimi is still in charge, they'll most likely have faith in his new casting choices.

As for the average fans, that's probably where you're more likely to actually lose some people who are disappointed to see different actors. But even then, I don't think it would be that big of a deal. Most fans are seeing these movies for the characters, concepts, and action, not necessarily the actors themselves. You show them a cool looking trailer for a recast Spider-Man 4, and they'll still turn out in droves. And if the only person who didn't come back was Dunst? Hell, the drop-off would be even smaller. Like I said, Dunst is decent in the films, but the keyword is decent. She's not amazing or anything, and doesn't bring much to the role that a lot of Hollywood's other hot young actresses couldn't. Hell, if you recast the part, maybe they could even get a real redhead this time – I'm sure Lindsay Lohan is available (I'd rather watch a boozy, coked-up Mary Jane than a disinterested one).

And don't just take my word for it – there are also the fine folks at US Weekly. Apparently they were just as amused by Dunst's comments as I was, so in the latest issue they polled 100 random people, asking them if they would still see Spider-Man 4 without Dunst. 78% responded that they would. And there you have it – you don't get much more scientifically accurate than the US Weekly polls. OK, maybe not, but my point remains – people are quite willing to somehow live with the Spider-Man franchise losing Dunst.

Look, I'm a nerd at heart, so of course I have a soft-spot for actual continuity. So, yes, despite all my bitching and complaining, there is a part of me that would love to see Raimi, Maguire, and Dunst return for the next film, and any subsequent entries after that (although when it comes to Dunst, it's a small part). But, if it becomes absolutely necessary to find a new Mary Jane, could we try to find someone who will at least seem a little, I don't know, appreciative of the opportunity? Maybe even, *gasp*, someone who likes the comic-books (or at least doesn't consider them beneath them). I know, I know – actors that actually care about the characters, and want to keep making the movies…it's a crazy idea, but I think it might just work. Maybe not as well as "Mary Jane has eight babies," but give me a break - we can't all be creative geniuses like Ms. Dunst.