Misunderstood Masterpieces: xXx: State of the Union

Posted by Will Helm on 05.08.2007

…or, How Could This Possibly Remind Me of Mark Twain?

If there is one general hallmark of action films, it is that they tend to keep their plots simple. Even though there may be a few twists and turns here and there to keep the audience on edge, most action movies involve lots of explosions, a few fights, and perhaps a little risqué content as well. Anything more is just gilding the lily, so to speak. Oddly enough, one of the films from the past few weeks – The Island – could have benefited from a few extra twists or turns to liven the largely dull and unoriginal plot. Meanwhile, Stealth featured a twist that was not only unexpected but totally incomprehensible; I still, a week after the fact, find it hard to believe that a pilot and a robotic jet can just kiss and make up after the robotic jet gets one of their wingmen killed . . . and tries to kill the protagonist pilot as well!

Fittingly, this trend of strange twists and turns culminates in this week's film: xXx: State of the Union. Sequel to the wildly successful 2002 Vin Diesel vehicle xXx, xXx: State of the Union ironically follows in the footsteps of the James Bond franchise – as, I believe, the xXx films were intended to be the modern-day, American equivalent of 007 – by replacing the film's star, Vin Diesel, who elected to follow the Riddick franchise instead. While Vin Diesel could be considered the "Sean Connery" of the xXx series, would his replacement – Ice Cube – be a Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, or Daniel Craig? Or is this "007" analogy just too far gone for a typical American action flick – or not, as director Lee Tamahori also helmed Die Another Day? Or does it fulfill the ultimate question: Is xXx: State of the Union a Misunderstood Masterpiece? Let's find out!

On a pastoral farm somewhere in the world, horses graze and frolic on the plains while some guy walks to the stables with bucket in hand. Ah . . . he's going to milk the horses. Wait; that's not going to be milk, is it? Ick. Perhaps knowing what's in store for them, the horses react skittishly to the guy's presence or, perhaps, it's just because there's a bunch of dead guys in the stables with them. Whoa . . . the Sopranos were there? Some techno-ninjas show up on the scene to kill the guy with the bucket – no more horse masturbation for you, pal! – and then they blow holes in the ground for no apparent reason.

The reason, moments later, becomes apparent when the techno-ninjas repel down their rabbit holes not to Wonderland but to an underground fortress where they kill hapless, innocent technicians. Samuel L. Jackson, on hand to be a professional badass and perhaps even imbue some of The Awesome Power of Samuel L. Jackson™, tries to fend off the techno-ninjas, but he's forced to retreat to his heavily armed Pimpmobile with a helpful nerd (Michael Roof) at his side. Samuel L. and the nerd plot their next move together and it ends up being a search for a new Agent xXx; meanwhile, perhaps symbolically, Ice Cube strolls the halls of a military prison . . . with the opening credits in tow.

After the credits subside, the film shifts to the White House, where Secretary of Defense Willem Dafoe briefs the President (Peter Strauss) about what went down at the secret underground base. Willem Dafoe assures the President that he's in control of the situation but, understandably, the President isn't happy about the situation. Willem Dafoe, meanwhile, just wants some more military funding, so the President mentions that he might add it to his upcoming State of the Union address. Ooh . . . there's nothing like the title actually referring to the plot. Score one for xXx: State of the Union.

Elsewhere, Samuel L. visits Ice Cube in military prison and, it seems, they have a bit of a history together. Ex-lovers, perhaps? Or not, as Ice Cube is just a little bitter about being in jail while Samuel L. walks the streets a free man. Samuel L., perhaps seeking to sway Ice Cube's emotions, attempts to hypnotize Ice Cube with bizarre analogies . . . which he also used to do when they were part of the same military unit! Ah, exposition; wonderful exposition. After they smooth out some of their differences, Samuel L. plans a bit of a jailbreak for Ice Cube . . . the next day. AC/DC will have to be patient.

Back at the wrecked underground fortress, Scott Speedman investigates the aftermath of the assault and he discovers, much to his amazement, that Samuel L. is missing. Back at the prison, Ice Cube beats up some military policemen and busts out of the jail. Oh yeah . . . it's a JAILBREAK! Ice Cube then confounds the guards and me by climbing up the building instead of hightailing it from the scene. I hope he's got something planned or it's going to be a long stay up there. Or not, as Ice Cube just heads to the roof to beat up some more innocent MPs – at least he's not killing them; I'm declaring a boycott on collateral damage here and now – until he finally gets fed up with his situation in life and plunges from the roof. Oh well; movie's over!

Or not, as Ice Cube, in mid-flight, grabs onto a helpful helicopter piloted by Samuel L. and the nerd. After the heroic trio flees from the scene, Samuel L. lands the helicopter – which was stolen or, should I say, "forcibly commandeered" – and they take their Pimpmobile to the nearest diner where Ice Cube gorges himself after a near-decade in prison. So all the action is limited to him stuffing his face? Great. It's no surprise that the nerd mocks Ice Cube so Ice Cube gets a bit snippy with his compatriots. Never stand between a man and his burger. Ever. Ice Cube then contents that, like Willem Dafoe earlier, he's in control of the situation and, to that end, Ice Cube takes his allies on a little tour of the ‘hood – the "only place that's safe" in Ice Cube's world – where they end up in a chop shop populated with HOT CHICKS and Xzibit. I guess West Coast Customs got taken over by a strip club.

After bonding with Xzibit for a bit, Ice Cube and his comrades head uptown where Ice Cube visits some chick (Nona Gaye) who, unsurprisingly – as is the tradition in action films involving a jailbreak – isn't quite happy to see him. Honestly, I'd think she'd be elated that he's out early but, I suppose, it's to symbolize the fact that she sold out and turned her back on her ‘hood roots. Yes, there's TENSION! Ice Cube then surprises Samuel L. and the nerd with the astute move of trading in the Pimpmobile – which Samuel L. asserts would be a target for whomever raided the secret base – for a tricked-out SUV. With his new xXx somewhat armed and very dangerous, Samuel L. gives Ice Cube his first mission: he is to break into the wrecked base and steal a hard drive from one of the mainframes. That's it? I'm unimpressed. And so, apparently, is Ice Cube as, instead of running along on the mission, he argues a bit with Samuel L. and then quotes Tupac for no particular reason.

As, I guess, Tupac is a surefire argument winner, Ice Cube heads off to the farm where he blows up a car to provide a distraction. Or just because he felt like it. He really hates Lincolns. While Scott Speedman and his crew foolishly head outside to investigate the flaming automobile, Ice Cube sneaks into the base and beats up a few lowly henchmen. Speedman, showing more prescience than most characters in these films – which means he'll probably end up being a good guy, catches on to Ice Cube's ruse while Ice Cube is busy pilfering the hard drives. Speedman and his associates flush Ice Cube from the base and Ice Cube heads for the woods with Speedman giving chase the whole way! Ice Cube heads to a random river in the middle of nowhere and, once there, he steals a boat and blows up the rest, greatly impressing Speedman. Meanwhile, the nerd, who was supposed to rescue Ice Cube from the scene, gets pulled over . . . conveniently in the middle of a bridge. Ice Cube, sensing an opportunity for a totally absurd action set piece, pilots the boat up a nearby crane at high velocity and lands on the bridge . . . perfectly unharmed, of course. Ice Cube and the nerd, with the amazing flying boat as a serviceable distraction, drive away relatively unscathed and without pursuit.

Back in Washington, Speedman's head lackey helpfully goes over Ice Cube's biography for his boss and the viewer. Apparently, Ice Cube was a hoodie – and, judging by the pictures shown, a member of N.W.A. in the movie universe as well – who joined the Navy – no word on whether or not he served with George Clooney and Marky Mark – and rebelled against his commanding officer – Willem Dafoe – in Kosovo, which landed him a twenty-year stint in prison. Oops. Speedman, for no real reason other than Ice Cube made him look bad, wants REVENGE! Meanwhile, that evening, Samuel L. has to break into his own house where he has a gun and some important documents hidden away in a pipe. For some reason, rather than leaving with these crucial items, Samuel L. elects to search the rest of the house and, unsurprisingly, Willem Dafoe and his henchman are on hand to subdue Samuel L. . . . and gloat. Then, just to kill some time and establish Willem Dafoe's character a bit, he and Samuel L. argue military ethics until Willem Dafoe gets tired of the conversation and has Samuel L. blown up. Thanks for showing up, Mr. Jackson; here's your paycheck.

After learning of Samuel L.'s unfortunate demise, Ice Cube, the nerd, and the chick plan their own REVENGE and, to facilitate their quest, Ice Cube does a little investigating. First, he goes to Samuel L.'s funeral where he and the nerd argue over binoculars and about manners. It becomes obvious why Ice Cube wants the binoculars so badly moments later when he spies a Willem Dafoe and then a HOT CHICK (Sunny Mabrey) at the service that he just has to get to know . . . in more ways than one, perhaps. In order to get a little closer to the HOT CHICK, Ice Cube goes James Bond-style – with a respectable suit and umbrella, even – and he meets the HOT CHICK for lunch. After Ice Cube makes his introduction, he's rudely interrupted by the nerdy guy from Snakes on a Plane (Todd Louiso). Perhaps to mock the nerdy guy, Ice Cube pretends to be a very uncouth Baptist minister, as the nerdy guy is a lobbyist for the National Rifle Association. Oh the political hilarity. My sides are splitting. And my guts are pouring out on the floor.

Later that night, Ice Cube wants to get a little closer to Willem Dafoe – I didn't know he liked him "that" way – so he disguises himself as a waiter at a swank gala somewhere in Washington and, in the process, demonstrates the sad plight of the modern black man. He's just a slave in a tuxedo, just with a better paycheck and suffrage. At the gala – and hidden behind a tray of champagne, Ice Cube eavesdrops on a conversation between Dafoe and the Chair of the Joint Chiefs, General Old Guy (Ned Schmidtke), wherein Dafoe reveals that he has a mysterious secret mission planned. Although, now that I think about it, aren't all secret missions inherently mysterious? Eh, it's redundancy for literary effect. Or something like that. Somehow, Ice Cube's cover is blown but, while Dafoe's henchmen are halted by a horde of tuxedo-clad black men – no, really, the HOT CHICK shows up outside to spirit Ice Cube from the scene.

While Speedman mopes in his high-tech office and then learns important expository details about Ice Cube's old unit, the HOT CHICK brings Ice Cube home with her and, once there, she hits on him. Ice Cube is disinterested in white-girl nookie and he's more interested in fries and a shake . . . which may actually be some sort of vague sexual innuendo that I'm not hip to. While the HOT CHICK, presumably, is off preparing Ice Cube's fries and shake – it does sound awfully dirty, honestly, Ice Cube gets out of the shower and his spidey-sense starts tingling. After finding an enigmatic gun on the floor, Ice Cube then discovers the body of General Old Guy in an adjacent bedroom . . . dead. The bitch done set him up!

Moments later, the cops show up outside but, perhaps luckily for Ice Cube, Speedman arrives in their wake and tells them to stand down. It's good to be an N.S.A. agent. While a bunch of cops with itchy trigger fingers wait impatiently outside the house, Speedman enters for a little chat with Ice Cube. While Speedman tries to play hardball and convince Ice Cube to surrender, Ice Cube busies himself by heating some product placement – I mean "frozen dinners" – in the microwave. Umm . . . non sequitur, anyone? While Ice Cube cooks himself a meal – he didn't get his fries or shake, after all, he and Speedman argue about things that are going on and then Ice Cube plans his escape from the scene. Speedman, unhappily, leaves the house and the cops bust in moments later where they find a bathtub full of . . . steaming meats and TV dinners. Oh, Ice Cube is so cagey . . . especially when he jumps from a refrigerator to knock out a hapless SWAT officer and steal his uniform, facilitating his departure.

Back at his hideout, Ice Cube watches the news of General Old Guy's death with the chick and the nerd and Ice Cube postulates that Dafoe is up to something. Hmm . . . I wonder what clued him in on that. To find out just what Dafoe is up to, Ice Cube tells the nerd to hack into the Department of Defense computer . . . while Ice Cube takes some time to romance the chick while reminiscing over a Mustang. After the nerd finds out what's brewing behind the scenes – and interrupts Ice Cube's flow, Ice Cube heads over to an aircraft carrier where Dafoe's small army – and the HOT CHICK – are holed up. After infiltrating the carrier, Ice Cube finds the HOT CHICK with the missing members of his old unit in the brig . . . including a remarkably alive Samuel L.! I guess the reports of his demise were greatly exaggerated. And that isn't even the Mark Twain reference I alluded to earlier.

After subduing the HOT CHICK – but not before she sets off an alarm – and finding out a smattering of what's going down from Samuel L., Ice Cube fights his way out of the carrier. Perhaps to make the process that much easier, Ice Cube steals a tank and, while driving it around the inside of the ship, he mocks a rival sergeant from his unit who's in league with Dafoe. While stuff blows up around him – mainly because of another tank missing his tank with cannon fire, Ice Cube drives up onto the flight deck and, once there, he somehow – utilizing a convoluted series of events – uses the mechanisms therein to slingshot his tank into the other tank, propelling them both into the river below. Unsurprisingly, this provides enough of a distraction for Ice Cube to jump off the aircraft carrier and dodge bullets as they whiz by underwater. Hey . . . MythBusters disproved that!

At the White House, Dafoe argues with the President about something while, elsewhere, Ice Cube meets with Speedman again. It seems, from Ice Cube's investigation and deduction, that Dafoe is planning a coup during the State of the Union address. Or, according to Speedman, he's just providing security for the State of the Union. Ooh . . . loggerheads. Speedman, unsurprisingly, doubts Ice Cube's theories, frustrating Ice Cube. Later, however, Dafoe shows up for an unannounced visit with Speedman and Speedman tests Dafoe's knowledge by hinting about Ice Cube's theories . . . and Dafoe fails the test! Dum-dum-DUM!

Elsewhere, Ice Cube, the chick, and the nerd pimp out the SUV and Speedman arrives on the scene for another chat. Now that he's convinced of Dafoe's treachery, he needs Ice Cube's help to put a stop to it. Of course, Ice Cube can't do it alone, so he recruits his old hoodie friends to aid the forces of good and, in the process, he gives Xzibit a pep talk. Then, the hoodie army has a little practice run wherein they steal a truck full of Homeland Security Department guns. Meanwhile, Samuel L., still a captive of Dafoe, trades witticisms with Dafoe and Dafoe reveals the masterstroke of his master plan: he's going to frame Samuel L. for assassinating the President and, in the process, make himself a hero . . . and the new President! Dum-dum-DUM! Again!

While the President gives his overly dramatic State of the Union address – methinks Mr. Strauss takes the role a little too seriously, Ice Cube and his ersatz troops head out to the Capitol. After some uneventful driving – on the sidewalk, Ice Cube's motorcade takes fire so they end up driving through a nearby warehouse and head on their way once more until they're blocked by a tank. Oops. It isn't so bad, though, as Xzibit and his lackeys, amazingly, carjack the tank! OK . . . I call "preposterous." Over in the Capitol, Dafoe's men cut the power, allowing Dafoe the opportunity to flee with the unwitting President by his side. The President catches on, however, after the techno-ninjas show up to kill the President's entourage, leaving the President and Dafoe to argue about their political differences. No, seriously.

Before Dafoe can assassinate the President, Xzibit shoots the Capital rotunda with the tank and Ice Cube and Speedman bust in to the rescue. First, they join forces to free Samuel L. – who then kills the HOT CHICK – and the President gloats while Dafoe's plot crumbles around him. Dafoe, just like any other villain, eschews admitting defeat and so he drags the President along to a secret train station underneath the Capitol and, after having a few hapless conductors killed, they take the train from the scene. Ice Cube, sadly, misses the train but, luckily for him, the chick shows up with a really fast car, which Ice Cube uses to race the train! OK, this is just getting out of hand. While Ice Cube hauls off after the train, Samuel L. and Speedman give chase in a helicopter, which is far more believable. Quite less believable: Ice Cube blowing the tires off the car and then driving with his rims on the rails! And if that weren't enough, Ice Cube drives into the train to board it and does so perfectly unharmed!

Once aboard the train, Ice Cube fights with the rival sergeant from earlier in the film in the galley and, just as the sergeant gets the best of Ice Cube, Ice Cube blows up his foe thanks to a convoluted series of events. Finally, Ice Cube confronts Dafoe, who has the President as a hostage and human shield. The President, much to his credit, fights off Dafoe and then Speedman repels down from the helicopter to lift the President off the train. With the President secure, Ice Cube fights Dafoe but the battle comes to no sufficient conclusion as Ice Cube jumps off the train – and off a bridge – at the first opportunity, allowing Samuel L. to blow up the train . . . and Willem Dafoe. Well, that was rather anticlimactic. In the aftermath, Ice Cube watches TV with the chick and he reveals that he's leaving for parts unknown, so they make out a bit. While Ice Cube drives off in the Mustang, Samuel L., Speedman, and the nerd joke around about the identity of the next xXx. Aww . . . how cute; it thinks there'll be another sequel.

Now that all is said and done, please allow me to explain the Mark Twain allusion from earlier. There is a quote attributed to Mark Twain that goes "Golf is a good walk spoiled." In a strange way, this reminds me of xXx: State of the Union because, honestly, it is a good plot spoiled. Even though nowadays the idea of a Secretary of Defense – or other cabinet member – assassinating his or her way up the line of presidential succession sounds like something stolen from a season of 24, it's still a very interesting plot . . . but not to be wasted on a thoroughly disposable action flick. xXx: State of the Union desperately required a simple, straightforward plot and, instead, the plot depends deeply on subtlety . . . subtlety not to be found nor required in the xXx franchise. I do suppose that does make it a Misunderstood Masterpiece, though, and I'm much thankful for it.

Join me next week as I start a trilogy to celebrate the national pastime with three baseball comedies . . . and no Major League among them. See you then!