Misunderstood Masterpieces: The Benchwarmers

Posted by Will Helm on 05.15.2007

…or, Don’t Go Out to This Ballgame

As it is late spring in the Northern Hemisphere and, more specifically, the United States and Canada – since they do slightly apply here, the sporting world turns its eyes to pretty much the only thing going on during that time: baseball. While other sports are in hibernation – American football – or winding down – hockey and basketball, baseball holds sway over the nation as the traditional "National Pastime." Because, unsurprisingly, no one in the U.S. even cares about the MLS . . . even with David Beckham. Baseball is recognized as a true part of Americana, along with moms and apple pie. Commies don't play baseball.

Anyway, as baseball has been an integral part of American culture for nearly a century and a half, it is unsurprising that baseball has also been well represented in the world of cinema. In fact, many of the "best sports movies" of all time are baseball-related. Throughout the years, there's been comedies, like The Bad News Bears – two versions and related sequels, Bull Durham, and – most especially – Major League. Give ‘em the heater, Ricky! In addition, baseball takes front and center in some of the most heartfelt sports dramas as well, such as Pride of the Yankees, The Natural, and Field of Dreams.

Unsurprisingly, with the wealth of baseball films, there's going to be misfires and, over the next three weeks, I bring three . . . well, sort of. More on that in two weeks. But first up is a recent offering produced by Happy Madison . . . the guise of Saturday Night Live alumnus and film star Adam Sandler. In addition, it also features (at least) two of Sandler's former SNL co-stars and hot cinematic property Jon Heder (a.k.a. Napoleon Dynamite). With a main cast such as this coupled with a feel-good story, how could 2006's The Benchwarmers lose? Well . . . it may just end up as a Misunderstood Masterpiece, that's how. Let's find out!

Somewhere in Middle America, where moms cook all day and the scent of apple pie wafts romantically through the air, some kids play baseball on a sandlot. Oh yeah . . . and there's also baseball-related kids films too . . . like The Sandlot! Wow. Anyway, across the street from the ballpark, Rob Schneider does landscaping, as that is his lot in life. Meanwhile, along the same street, Napoleon Dynamite delivers papers to his customers' roofs. He and Rob Schneider then chat for a bit and Rob Schneider gives Napoleon Dynamite a lecture about being a good and proper worker. Napoleon Dynamite, however, would rather eat his own snot. Yummy.

Over on the sandlot, a team full of stereotypical bullies – apparently all comprised of angry, white males – invades the kids little game and drive them from the field. Just to send a message to the kids, the de facto captain of the bully team muscles down one of the kids and flatulates in his face. Wow . . . not fifteen minutes in and already there's been a booger joke and a fart joke. Way to go, movie! I think that's a new record! Rob Schneider and Napoleon Dynamite, being two-thirds of the heroes of this picture, break up the odoriferous assault and then Rob Schneider has a flashback to the great times he had on the baseball diamond during his childhood. Or the LSD was kicking in again.

Somehow, after learning that Napoleon Dynamite has never had apple pie before, this inspires Rob Schneider to play a little ball with his buddies and Napoleon Dynamite joins in immediately after. Meanwhile, at a local video store, David Spade tries to get some HOT CHICK to rent films with explicit lesbian scenes . . . pretty much because he's a creepy pervert. He also happens to be friends – somehow – with Rob Schneider and Napoleon Dynamite, so they show up to recruit him to join in their little game. A little after, Rob Schneider blows off his HOT CHICK wife (Molly Sims) so that he can go play baseball, even though she really wants to get some. Such is the power of baseball, I suppose.

On the diamond, the guys goof around for a bit until the bully team shows up again to drive the heroes from the field. The heroes are recalcitrant and, rather than give up the field so easily, they lay down a challenge: a three-on-nine baseball game! Things don't start out well for the heroes, however, as Napoleon Dynamite actually swings the bat backwards and David Spade is just as embarrassing. The situation makes a change for the better, however, when Rob Schneider comes up to bat and he hits a home run, shocking the bully team with his prowess. Perhaps he's channeling his sexual frustration. To cap off the game, Rob Schneider incapacitates some kid with a line drive and then the kid from earlier in the film – even though it's only about twenty minutes in – comes by to fart in the unconscious – and possibly dying – kid's face.

After the game, the guys visit David Spade's creepy, agoraphobic brother Nick Swardson – and his even creepier pageboy haircut – and then they go to Pizza Hut together for a little fun and product placement. Over the salad bar, David Spade hits on some HOT CHICK (Erinn Bartlett) . . . by very awkwardly repeating that he likes salad. And I like cereal! Cheese would be proud. While the heroes are trying to enjoy their pizzas and salads, Craig Kilborn shows up out of nowhere – backed by the bully team and their remarkably alive cohort – to mock the guys' success over his charges. Rob Schneider, being empowered by awesome baseball prowess and sexual frustration, sasses back at the former co-host of SportsCenter. Careful, Rob, or Craig will sic Stuart Scott and his creepy eye on you!

After dinner, Jon Lovitz shows up to have a chat with the guys because he's the fart kid's father. I'd be really interesting if he brought Chris Hansen with him; Kip Dynamite wasn't chatting with babes online after all! Instead of locking up the guys on suspicion of being pedophiles, Jon Lovitz just wants to chat about Craig Kilborn – I guess he hated that era of The Daily Show . . . as well as show off his working version of KITT, complete with the voice of Mr. Feeney! After his meeting with Jon Lovitz, Rob Schneider goes home to his HOT CHICK wife and, while she's busy shooting eggs like a frog in heat, he'd rather soothe his aching muscles and go to bed. Seriously, he's not even potent enough to just get up and let her do all the work? There's something very wrong here.

The next day, David Spade and Napoleon Dynamite, now emboldened by their success on the ball field, goof off in a sporting-goods store. Unfortunately for them, NFL Tonight talking head Sean Salisbury is on hand to yell at them and challenge them to another baseball duel. David Spade and Napoleon Dynamite think it over and then they find Rob Schneider busy mowing a lawn. After interrupting him with a stone – and a subsequent injury to David Spade's groin, the guys tell Rob Schneider what's going down so he assents to the challenge and joins his buddies on the diamond. While the game is going on, Jon Lovitz shows up in the Batmobile to watch the proceedings. Elsewhere, Nick Swardson freaks out at the sight of sunlight.

After the game – and victory, Jon Lovitz invites the guys to lunch where, once there, they talk to Darth Vader. No, really. Well, sort of. Anyway, Jon Lovitz meets them on a Segway – G.O.B. would be proud – and then, once inside Jon Lovitz's palatial mansion, they mess with his persnickety sandwich robot. Anyway, after the heroes are served lunch, Jon Lovitz reveals the reason for the meeting: he wants REVENGE against the bullies . . . and he wants to use baseball to do it! Dum-dum-DUM! So, to that end, Jon Lovitz recruits the guys to take part in a tournament wherein goofy kids everywhere will earn respect and the winners will earn an extremely fancy and completely free municipal ballpark.

After the meeting – and a little bit of Internet marketing on the part of Jon Lovitz, some kid accosts Rob Schneider and spits all over him; strangely, Rob Schneider and the kid bond over spitting on each other . . . and then Rob Schneider spits all over his wife. Hmm . . . maybe he thinks that's how she'll get pregnant. Silly Rob Schneider. That evening, Craig Kilborn and his buddies – Sean Salisbury, Bill Romanowski, and Tim Meadows . . . one of these things is not like the others – hang out in the woods and hatch an evil plot. Their timing is convenient as, the next day, the tournament starts and remarkably upwardly mobile kids film the game for the Internet. Meanwhile, Jon Lovitz gifts the guys with some cool uniforms. The uniforms don't necessarily inspire good play, however, as Napoleon Dynamite accidentally wrecks Bill Romanowski's mid-life-crisis-mobile – I mean "Miata" – with a wayward baseball bat. After Bill Romanowski flies into a steroid-fueled rage and pummels Napoleon Dynamite – no word on whether or not he says "and that's for whoring yourself out all the time" while doing it, Rob Schneider gives David Spade a pep talk. It's all for naught as David Spade still stinks up the joint but, thanks to Rob Schneider's intervention, the guys win anyway.

Back at home, Rob Schneider's wife complains to him because she really wants a baby . . . or just some sex. Apparently, Rob Schneider would rather hang out with Jon Lovitz, because he has KITT, the Batmobile, and even Reggie Jackson to help train the guys! Oh geez . . . and I was hoping for Tom Emanski. Anyway, Reggie Jackson – who must be on parole from trying to kill Queen Elizabeth II – weathers the guys mocking an old picture of him with a tuba and then Reggie gets to training the guys with pranks and hot potatoes. Well, that certainly is an unorthodox system; hopefully it pays off for the guys.

Evidence will come at the next game, where Reggie Jackson's efforts appear to be fruitless – much like Rob Schneider's marriage – as Napoleon Dynamite actually beats himself up with his baseball bat. David Spade, however, must have gotten Reggie Jackson's message as he envisions the baseball as a mailbox – no, really – and he actually sends a hit into play! After running the bases, David Spade then dropkicks the catcher to claim home plate and win the game. After their victory, the heroes are inundated with autograph requests by proud misfit children. Elsewhere, Nick Swardson attacks a pair of Girl Scouts with a plastic sword. Umm . . . yeah.

The heroes' successes also have an effect on their private lives as, while David Spade whiles away his time at the video store, he's visited by the HOT CHICK from Pizza Hut. I guess she like videos like he likes salad. Jon Lovitz, meanwhile, shows off his latest acquisition: baseball cards featuring the guys! OK . . . that's pretty cool. Unfortunately, Rob Schneider bristles at the next bit of information Jon Lovitz has for them: the next game is in Rob Schneider's hometown . . . and that means TENSION! Rob Schneider is reluctant to go but his wife is cool with the idea, mainly because she thinks he's going to a landscaping convention. And it also gives her a chance to get impregnated by Craig Kilborn. It's so obvious she wants to find out why he's known as "Vanilla Thunder."

Inside Jon Lovitz's giant tour bus, the guys go on the road to Rob Schneider's hometown and, even though they goof around at the game, they win anyway. At the next game, Rob Schneider has a flashback to . . . something – again, it must be the LSD – but his teammates are actually getting better game by game so he can afford to have more drug-induced hallucinations. Things get a little complicated at the next game, however, as Craig Kilborn brings in a drunken Latino ringer (Amaury Nolasco) to join Tim Meadows' team. Tim Meadows refuses until he finds his team down by an embarrassingly large margin; with the score lopsided and his pride non-existent, Tim Meadows puts in the ringer . . . which reminds me of one of the few movies so bad I refuse to watch it again, even for this column. Sorry, folks. In order to counter the power of the ringer, David Spade has Nick Swardson buy liquor with which to bribe the ringer; it doesn't quite work, however, as, on a play at the plate, the ringer maliciously steps on Rob Schneider's pitching hand. Somehow, in the final inning, the heroes end up loading the bases and, after a bit of commiseration, Nick Swardson has to come up to bat. The now grossly inebriated ringer hits Nick Swardson with a pitch and the heroes win the game on that horrendous gaffe.

Stewing from their losses, Craig Kilborn and his evil cohorts play poker and watch highlights of the heroes' last game on television. While Dan Patrick – and his greasy sideburns – mumbles something, a black guy with blonde hair (Terry Crews) freaks out at the sight of Rob Schneider. It seems that Rob Schneider has a mysterious history and, much to everyone's chagrin, the black guy with blonde hair reveals it to some complicit reporter girl: Rob Schneider was a bully in school! Dum-dum-DUM! Unsurprisingly, as there needs to be some dramatic conflict in the film, all of Rob Schneider's allies abandon him after learning the news. At least he still has his wife's consolation; she's actually a nice and considerate HOT CHICK, for once.

Rob Schneider, seeking to atone for his horrible past, returns to his hometown to apologize to some midget (Joe Gnoffo) he may or may not have made go crazy. Years later, apparently, the midget is still crazy and, unsurprisingly, he doesn't quite believe Rob Schneider. Instead of continually pleading with the midget for forgiveness, Rob Schneider simply says his piece and then he gives the midget his hat. Meanwhile, Jon Lovitz orders Lochlyn Munro to build him a ballpark to host the tournament finals. Wow . . . taking orders from Jon Lovitz must be a hard pill to swallow in Hollywood.

At the newly built ballpark, Rob Schneider reveals that he's no longer a part of the team but, just to prove that he has fully atoned for his past, he gives his fellow heroes a pep talk. Moments later, the midget shows up to explain that Rob Schneider has his forgiveness and is a pretty cool guy because of it. In order to related to his audience, the midget references nerdy things so that the kids in the crowd know he's legit. Yes, he's a midget with street-cred, so to speak. Things get a bit odd after the midget's heartfelt statement as the rest of the guys – Napoleon Dynamite, David Spade, and Nick Swardson – quit the team and they're replaced by a horde of dorky kids. Aww . . . inspirational.

The kids aren't as good as the full-grown guys but they confuse Craig Kilborn's bully team – who are, conveniently, also in the finals – with their aplomb. Craig Kilborn doesn't appreciate his team's lack of focus and he's even more livid when his team actually conspires to deign their opponents a sympathy run. Somehow, this causes a riot at the ballpark and, in the aftermath, Craig Kilborn gets a wedgie on a chain-link fence. OK, then. After the game, everyone – dork and bully alike – bonds at Pizza Hut over delicious pan pizza and more product placement. David Spade hits on the HOT CHICK – who's conveniently off duty – while Napoleon Dynamite makes out with Rachel Hunter. While Nick Swardson and Tim Meadows chat under the tables for no particular reason, Rob Schneider reveals that his HOT CHICK wife is finally pregnant and everyone celebrates. Well, until they all find out that it's actually Craig Kilborn's baby. Or the blonde-haired black guy. Or even Dan Patrick's. Oh . . . I know! It's KITT's baby! That is one sexy car, after all.

In the end, The Benchwarmers really isn't that bad. For fans of Adam Sandler's brand of absurdist humor, this film is certainly entertaining. Really, it's just a simple feel-good story mixed with gross-out gags. As far as films go nowadays, The Benchwarmers is tame, albeit a bit clichéd. I do have a feeling that this is the calm before the storm, however, as things will get much worse in coming weeks. As it is, however, The Benchwarmers is a welcome addition to the annals of Misunderstood Masterpieces.

Join me next week as I study another element that goes well with baseball: beer. See you then!