A Fool's Utopia 05.20.07: TV's #1 Murderer -- The Hiatus

Posted by Ron Martin on 05.20.2007

This week in one man's utopia: Sequels 20 years later, things that make me want to smoke, proof that Spider-Man 3 sucked and the conspiracy against Jericho continues!

-- Now, as loyal zombies of the small screen we all know that at some point the current season is going to come to an end and we have to wallow in the pig leftovers that are reruns and "new summer shows" all summer before our beloved TV lineups come back in the fall. There is a recent trend that disturbs me. Okay, all recent trends disturb me because I am old and set in my ways. But this one should disturb you too. I am, of course, discussing the TV hiatus.

This is a rather new phenomenon in TV. The networks will try to convince you that they are nodding their head back to the traditional "golden age" of TV where you would get weeks and weeks of original programming, some reruns during the holiday season, then continuous original episodes until the end of May. Here's a hint, readers, if anything (TV, movies, video games, music, sports) tells you it's going back to the "golden age," it's basically telling you it's full unprocessed bull fertilizer. That buzzword can be translated as thus: "We're doing this, we know it will piss you off, we don't care. To spin things so that you think we care, we'll remind you of a time when TV execs weren't retarded braindead pissants who knew exactly nothing about what the American public wants. Man, wasn't I Love Lucy funny?"

I think this trend may have been started with The Sopranos, then was picked up by network TV. Here's the difference. The Sopranos is filmed for a subscription service that is not policed by the same regulations as network TV. It has large unprecedented productions values for a television show. It has extremely compelling writing with larger than life characters. Based on that alone, it has to take hiatuses (though this show is one of the worst offenders of taking advantage of its loyal viewers). TV networks picked up on this and thought they could do the same thing with such shows as Lost, Jericho, and Heroes.

Admitted, these shows all have high production values and with that come costs. So does 24 and it doesn't take hiatuses. With literally hundreds of channels to chose from, why would TV execs handout flyers to viewers that read: PLEASE SEE WHAT ELSE IS ON OTHER STATIONS IN THIS TIME SLOT SO THAT YOU MIGHT BECOME INTERESTED IN THAT SHOW AND NOT COME BACK TO THIS ONE. Why? This is no longer the days of three networks (later four), PBS station and a local station. Okay, so there's no Lost this week, let's turn the channel. Oh, there's South Park on Comedy Central, CSI on Spike, maybe there's a good cooking show on The Food Network. There are literally hundreds of other shows to get hooked on during that hiatus. Each week the show is off the air, the viewer is less inclined to even check to see if it is on this week. Don't believe me? The second season of Lost had 23 million viewers. Bad writing caused the third season's numbers to drop to 18.8 million viewers. It goes on a three month hiatus and returns rejuvenated with good writing and great episodes. Yet, now it's down to 14.5 million viewers. The network can't figure out why they lost 4.3 million viewers. THEY FOUND SOMETHING ELSE TO WATCH ASSHOLES! That's what happened to them.

Heroes also experienced a drop in ratings due to the fact that people just found other stuff to do and in their heads, eventually Heroes at 9 just falls out of their head. Luckily for this show, it's still new and it was good enough to get the viewers back. One other freshman show was not, though.

The biggest victim of the TV hiatus this year was the unfortunate Jericho. The post-apocalyptic America was dealt its final mushroom cloud being cancelled after just one season. Okay, I'm no TV executive and I am assuming no TV exec read this column. I am also assuming everyone who reads this column would be able to figure this next part out. You have a new show with good writing, a good cast that is getting a great critical buzz around it. It gets decent ratings, around 10 or 11 each week. After two month of solid ratings what do you do?

A) Put the show on hiatus and bring it back three months later against American Idol
B) Keep running the show through the holiday season when most shows are in reruns and finish up during the early weeks of Idol
C) Repeatedly bash your head into a wall while being constantly sac-smacked by a rented orangutan and mumbling "Save the Cheerleader, Save the World" over and over again.

Congratulations! If you chose Option A, you have the qualifications of a TV executive. Please sign up for your immediate vasectomy/tube-tying so that you may no longer reproduce. If you chose Option B, congratulations! You have this thing called common sense and you may continue to be part of the human race. If you chose Option C, then oops – I guess there are TV executives who read this column.

It really is a shame that Jericho is gone because of only corporate idiocy. There are a lot of stories to be told on Jericho and the writing is good enough that if it were handled the right way, the show could come back to be a successful one. It has all the makings of a great show, just an imbecilic network. As you probably thought, there are Internet petitions to save the show. Hey, it's worked before, maybe it'll work again. To save Jericho go here and here. Sign these petitions and let the networks know that you don't want good shows to go away just because they're idiots.

We're in a TV renaissance where the dramas are compelling, and much better than anything being offered to us on the big screen. Please, let us enjoy it.

On a personal level, I am truly pissed at the Sci-Fi network for take A FREAKING IX MONTH HIATUS between episodes of Ghost Hunters. I had no idea if it was cancelled or what. I only know it's coming back in June because of the wikipedia page. Way to kill one of your highest rated original shows, Sci Fi.

Dumbasses

-- So I know last week's column wasn't quite as visually appealing as usual. I was having some trouble with images. So for those of you who missed it, here are last week's images:



--I haven't smoked in over three years. Not that I wasn't a chronic smoker then, but I would go through maybe two or three packs a week back in the day. I quit cold turkey and had little problems with it. Every time I see one of those annoying, pretentious whitelies.tv commercials, I want to smoke a cigarette just to spite them.

--Speaking of smoking, the MPAA announced it may start handing out "R" Ratings to movies that have smoking in them. Supposedly, if there is unnecessary smoking the movie gets an "R" rating so those under the age of 17 wouldn't go see them. As you probably know, I wouldn't bring this up if I didn't have a problem with it. There are two things wrong with this. 1) I have never known an "R" rating to stop teenagers from seeing a movie. 2) Teenagers will now smoke just to spite you. When will adults learn this? The majority of teenagers will do things just because you told them not to. I did. My friends did. The teenagers I know today do. The first director, producer or actor who doesn't smoke in a movie though his/her character should be smoking because of this shall forever be put on my list of directors, producers or actors whose movie I will no longer see. This list actually exists – trust me. Maybe one day I will discuss it.

-- In the "Shitty Things That Hollywood Does That Blows My Mind" category, several eighties movies are getting sequels. First up is the classic The Lost Boys. One of only two good vampire movies not starring Dracula, the sequel is going to be straight-to-DVD and will be about surfing vampires. Please let this never be mentioned again. I will watch The Lost Boys six times in a row to now cleanse my brain. The second classic to get tarnished will be Wall Street. Actually, this one may not be so bad as it will follow the story of Gordon Gecko twenty years later after his release from prison. This seems like a natural progression. With Michael Douglas and Oliver Stone both involved, perhaps there will be no damage to the character. Color me intrigued. The third eighties film to get a sequel looks to be Beetlejuice. There seems to be conflicting ideas on this one. Some say it's getting the direct to DVD treatment while others (including the man himself) think Michael Keaton will reprise the role of the title character. I can't see this going direct to DVD if Keaton is the star. We'll see. All three of these movies fall into the half wanna see half don't wanna see category. You want to see sequels because you loved the stories so much and you just want more. You don't want to see sequels because you don't want to cheapen the originals.

-- Three random reviews of three random DVDs from my not-so-random DVD collection:


1. Safe Men
A movie starring Sam Rockwell, Steve Zahn and Paul Giamatti and you've never heard of it? This movie came out just before all of these guys got big. The only reason I discovered it was because my roommate and I asked the guy at the video store for a suggestion and this is what he suggested. Way to go guy at the video store! This movie is hilarious. It revolved around a couple of party singers who get mistaken for a team of safecrackers by the Rhode Island Jewish mafia. Despite their shenanigans, the team successfully manages to steal the Stanley Cup. Pretty much a must see for any fan of these actors works or anyone who likes to laugh, period. 4.5/5


2. Sleepwalkers
A made for TV movie based on an unpublished Stephen King novel – you can't go wrong! My guess is there is a reason why this novel was unpublished. I remember being very excited when this came on with I was just a young lad. Man, was I easily excitable back then. I don't even remember the details of this movie. Something about these cat people who were vampiric to virgins, but they were actually cats. But real cats hated them and tried to kill them or something. I remember a scene with a bunch of dead cats hanging from a ceiling. Or am I just imaging that? 1/5


3. The Late Shift
An excellent made for TV movie by HBO about the vying for the host spot on The Tonight Show after the retirement of Johnny Carson by David Letterman and Jay Leno. The show is excellently written and offers you an insight as to what went down in 1992. From the growth of Jay Leno from nice guy to do-what-it-takes guy to Letterman's move to CBS, it's all there. I'd be amiss if I did not mention my favorite actress's (Kathy Bates) performance as the villainous Helen Mushnick. For any fan of late night talk shows, this is a must-see. 4.75/5

-- Until this past week, I had always placed NYU in the top tier of colleges. It was a major university in the middle of the largest city in the country. Celebrities went there while they were still celebrities. NYU Film school is held in such high esteem that no other university could touch it. This week protesters hit the streets of Greenwich Village. A NYU protest? This has to be good. Surely they are protesting the war in Iraq, the current non-acknowledgement of global warming by the White House or gun control, right? My bad, they're protesting the imminent jailing of Paris Hilton.



One of the protesters admitted "Even if you don't love her, you have to admit that 45 days in one of L.A.'s most dangerous female prisons is not a fair punishment for neglecting to renew your license. This is about the freedom to do what you want vs. overly conservative judges coming down hard on anyone who likes to party." Hmm…get in the selective reproduction line. You're up next.

I guess I shouldn't come down so hard on NYU. Only three protestors showed up. You're okay with me NYU!

-- As kind of said here last week, the Spider Man 3 numbers dropped significantly last weekend. Like I said, the monies gotten on opening weekend had nothing to do with the film itself, but the quality of the first two films and the hype. Does Spider Man 3 the actual film, deserve all the records it broke? Not unless you like your superheroes to cry every third scene. This is the worst of the three Spider-Mans and moviegoers know it. The movie had a 68% drop, whereas the average blockbuster experiences a 25% drop after its initial opening weekend. You can espouse your supergenius comments to me anytime now America.

-- Okay nomads, it's that time. Time to get funky, start chillin' and get totally rad. Time to go RETRO!

Something that had always really bugged me. It is pretty widely accepted that Michael Jackson's Thriller video is the greatest music video of all time. That doesn't bug me. What bugs me is this – whenever there is some greatest music video of all-time countdown (MTV used to do a top 100 of all time every year – I don't know if they still do) it should be universally known that Thriller is going to be #1 and everything else is fighting for #2. In the early 90s during the grunge era, they would throw in Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit in the #1 spot and relegate Thriller to #2. WTF?!! While admittedly, that song changed music forever, the video is no where near the quality of Thriller. Morons! By the late 90s,Thriller was back in the top spot and Smells Like Teen Spirit was down to like 7th. What changed about the videos that the former #1 is 7th and the #2 is 1st? Morons! There you have it, Thriller, the best music video ever – except for a small period in the early 90s. Sorry, that's been bugging me for decades.

I know I could very easily check this, but does anyone know if Thundercats is on DVD yet? Man, I use to worship this show as a kid. Mummra scared the ever-loving religion out of me. I stopped watching pretty much after Lion-O beat all the Thundercats at their specialty to become their leader. I mean if Lion-O was faster than Cheetara, then why the hell was she there? If was stronger than Panthro? Why did Panthro do all the grunt work. I sort of wondered off after this.

I don't think they still have these things with cell phones and all, but I fondly remember the old 1-900 numbers. You could call anyone from New Kids on the Block to Santa Claus and listen to some pre-recorded crap. The only one I ever tried to was the Freddy Krueger one, which I immediately hung up on. I was certain I had just dialed hell.

-- I'm not into the habit of buying CDs without at least first downloading a song or two. Acute readers may remember this habit saving me from buying the atrocious new Bloodhound Gang CD. However, when I saw a new Linkin Park CD out for only $10, I jumped on it. I had like every song on their two original albums, so I couldn't lose. Well, I didn't exactly lose, but upon first listening this one doesn't stand up to the test of the first two. They've abandoned their unique sound to sound like all the other doucherock bands out there, with the exception of a few songs. Also, they've found a love for the naughty words. The thing about the first two CDs was it was great music with no bad words. Now, I grew up with Guns N Rose and NWA, so I know a thing or two about songs with bad words. I'm not oppose to it, it was just nice to have some CDs I could take to work and listen to every song. Maybe this one will grow on me, but right now Minutes to Midnight is somewhat of a disappointment. You can get a much more in-depth and better review in 411mania Music section by Brandon Ratliff. If you're thinking of buying this album, I would definitely read that review first.

-- You know what would be funny? If all these people who are famous only because they are heir/heiress to someone else's fortune weren't actually named in the family's will. Heir that, mofo.

-- Finally, someone is getting it right! I just read that three new seasons of Lost have been ordered and they are to be playing in order without any breaks! Score one for the good guys!

-- As if you needed anymore proof that the air-wasting, America-dumbing retards at Maxim magazine are morons who happen to prey on the weaker of the two sexes, just look at their latest "Hot 100" list for 2007. Now, I realize Lindsey Lohan would be on the list because she represents everything the magazine does. She is a talentless waste of space that would do the Earth a great favor by getting lost in some bomb shelter for the next 20 years. But ranked #1?! You know I could accept she was highly overrated somewhere in the top #20 but #1? I think I figured it out, she is #1 because she is a celebrity who might get so messed up that she actually would have sex with you! I leave it to you reader, Maxim wants you to believe that this…



is hotter than this…



Really? Does anyone buy this? Let me know if you do.

Oh, and one of the Olsen Twins (Mary-Kate I think) made the list, but the other one didn't. THEY'RE IDENTICAL TWINS YOU IDIOTS!



-- Here is your podcast review of the week. This week we look at Stuck in the 80s a podcast about, you guessed it – the 80s! The show is hosted by a variety of writers for the St. Petersburg Times and tampabay.com but mostly by 80s blogger Steve Spears, music critic Sean Daly and news researcher Cathy Wos. The show format is that they pick one topic and talk a half an hour to 45 minutes about it with audio clips dubbed in. Usually near the end of the show there is a "Name that 80s Tune" contest where listeners hear short clip of an 80s tune and can write in with artist and song title for various prizes. Show topics usually are 80s movies or pop music. Occasionally they have interviews with top stars from the 80s such as Huey Lewis, Molly Ringwald and Adam Curry. As for the show itself, it normally degenerates into the two men telling stories of their youths that mostly involve failed and sometimes successful wooing of the women of the 80s. It's obvious they trio has fun doing the podcast and that carries over to the listener as I have found myself laughing out loud a number of times and have even adopted Daly's catchphrase "Mamma No!" as my own. That being said, I do wish they would diverse the topics a bit. I realize music and movies were a large part of the 80s, however, I would like them to do more TV stuff including the rise of cable, the rise of wrestling as a form or entertainment, more fads of the 80s such as video games, role-playing games and the such. If you are a fan of the 80s or grew up in the 80s, there are lots of podcasts out there for you, but this is one of the good ones. 3.75/5

IT CAME FROM MY IPOD
Five songs directly from my ipod that you can listen to during your favorite TV show's hiatus!

1. Say It Ain't So, Weezer
2. Breaking the Habit, Linkin Park
3. Stay, Shakespeare's Sister
4. Blind in the Darkness, Diary of Dreams
5. Let's Get it Started Black Eyed Peas


Now I must leave you.

As a man greater than I has said thousands of times, please, have your pet spayed or neutered.