Misunderstood Masterpieces: BASEketball
Posted by Will Helm on 05.29.2007
or, As If Interleague Play Wasnt Bad Enough
Though baseball is the stuff of legend in the United States, with poems, books, films, and so on devoted to it, in recent years the sport has fallen on lean times. Perhaps due to the heartbreaking strike of 1994 or a pace less suited to today's television age, baseball has seemingly fallen out of favor with the American populace. Of course, perhaps having a bumbling commissioner doesn't help and his subsequent tie in the 2002 All-Star Game in addition to bizarre broadcast rights restrictions. Just ask anyone who has MLB Extra Innings about that.
Of course, Commissioner Bud Selig didn't take all that lying down . . . because he started "Interleague Play." Because people were just clamoring to see the Marlins take on the Mariners every couple years. Honestly, am I the only person who doesn't understand or even like Interleague Play? Not only are the bulk of the match-ups woefully uninspiring Royals-Padres? Ooh!, the idea that a team's record can actually be affected by another team that's played a handful of times a season and won't be met again unless in the World Series seems remarkably unfair and, in some ways, an affront to the soul of the game in the name of ratings. Yeah . . . I'm really not a fan of Interleague Play.
Anyway, four years after the Major League Baseball strike, then animation wunderkinder Matt Stone and Trey Parker whose South Park was a controversial phenomenon not expected to last long on the airwaves hooked up with the Zucker brothers of Airplane! fame to craft an oddly prescient film. Perhaps as a commentary on the sad state of baseball and the beginnings of Interleague Play, the group's collaborative effort, BASEketball, hypothesizes not just Interleague Play but a hybrid sport to sweep the nation. Though the concept behind the film remains topical even to this day, does an idea like that actually make a good film? Or does BASEketball just end up as a Misunderstood Masterpiece? Let's find out!
In 1977, two kids who look strangely like young versions of Matt Stone and Trey Parker watch as Reggie Jackson plays at Yankee Stadium. The Trey Parker kid, in a moment of pure luck, catches Reggie's legendary third homerun of the game and, in that moment, he promises to become a sports star later in life. I half expected Aaron Copland's "Fanfare for the Common Man" to start playing at that moment. Instead the film segues to an odd montage explaining that, in the years after that moment, the nature of sports became corrupted by money and fame . . . kind of like a Dark Jedi. Then, with money and fame came violence which, in this film's bizarro world, actually turned the fans off to the point where they stopped going. While different stunts were attempted to bring the fans back, nothing worked because it all sucked . . . for lack of a better word.
All grown up, the two kids from earlier Joe "Coop" Cooper (Parker) and Doug Remer (Stone) get out of their slacker den and go to a party held by a HOT CHICK they knew in high school. Once there, the guys are bummed because everyone at the party is stuffy and dressed in their early 90's finery and thinks that the guys are immature for never making anything of themselves. Perhaps to console themselves amid the suburban sprawl, the guys retreat to the HOT CHICK's bedroom and, taking a page from MTV, they raid her underwear drawer. Unfortunately for them, the HOT CHICK shows up moments later to inform the guys that they're not spelunking in her drawers . . . but her mom's drawers. And quite literally at that. Although I wouldn't be surprised to see MTV option this concept as Raid my Mom's Room. Show hybrids are the wave of the future!
After being grossed out by the HOT CHICK's mom's underthings and vibrator, the guys head out to the driveway where they entertain themselves by shooting some hoops. Somehow, in a moment oddly reminiscent of One Crazy Summer, some preppy guys show up to challenge the guys to a sporting duel. In order to swing the odds in their favor, the guys propose using new rules that . . . they just made up. Instead of playing two-on-two, they're essentially playing HORSE with baseball rules. Because of the advantage the made up rules give them as well as the ability to "psyche out" the opposing shooter, the guys win the attention of the partygoers with their awesomeness. Unsurprisingly, the guys end up winning the game . . . but they don't get the chicks. Oh well.
Back home, the guys work on their game and then they argue with a diminutive gas guy (Dian Bachar) who is there to shut off their service. After the argument, the gas guy gets attacked by the guys' dog and then the guys challenge him to shoot baskets to earn their apology. Umm . . . yeah. The gas guy misses his shots but, for some reason, the guys let the gas guy join their team anyway. Which, even though there really isn't a team right now, pretty much means that he can move in with the guys. While Doug and the gas guy do something or other together, Coop makes a ball and a scoreboard for their nascent sport. Because nothing says "legitimacy" like "sporting goods."
Somehow, this must instill legitimacy for the sport because, after a few months, there are hordes of local newscasters covering the neighborhood finals at the guys' house. The guys, since it's their sport, win the game and a big bowl and then Ernest Borgnine shows up out of nowhere. It seems that he wants to propose an idea to the guys: he wants the sport to go national with its own league! Of course, this wouldn't fall into the same traps as the old, now-defunct sports leagues because Ernest Borgnine is old-fashioned and crotchety . . . and so is Coop.
The guys and Ernest Borgnine must agree to the deal because, five years later, the guys have a team with uniforms and everything and a league to go with it. And, just to date the film, Reel Big Fish. Wow; remember that summer when ska was big in the U.S.? Those were the days. Perhaps because they were out of out of work in the universe of the film, Bob Costas and Al Michaels cover the championship game in which the guys' team, the Milwaukee Beers, is playing. Though Milwaukee is contending against their rivals Dallas, Bob and Al have nothing good to say about the gas guy, who's up to shoot in a crucial moment of the game. Remarkably, the gas guy makes his shot but Milwaukee ends up losing because Coop misses a shot . . . as he's distracted by Ernest Borgnine choking to death on a hot dog. In the aftermath, Coop gets pelted with eggs because it's "Dozen Egg Night" at the ballpark. Yup.
After the game, Tim McCarver (perhaps I should bring out the "Cameo Meter" again) interviews Coop, who confesses that he needs some lovin' to wash down the bitter taste of death and defeat. Luckily for Coop, outside the ballpark he spies a HOT CHICK (Yasmine Bleeth) with a horde of charity kids. Coop tries to chat up the HOT CHICK, but she's not really into sports; she was just there for the kids. Doug, as the requisite "wacky buddy," shows up to interrupt the proceedings and, to try to impress the HOT CHICK, he knocks out a blind kid. Meanwhile, the entire city of Dallas lies in flames because of the traditional rioting after the huge win over Milwaukee.
At Ernest Borgnine's will reading, evil corporate guy Robert Vaughn hangs out with Ernest Borgnine's widow, Jenny McCarthy. In an oddly serendipitous moment, Coop, Doug, and the HOT CHICK are on hand as well. The HOT CHICK, mystified as to why she is there, is bequeathed season tickets to the Milwaukee Beers for the kids while Robert Vaughn wishes he was bequeathed Jenny McCarthy. In the film's most shocking moment so far, Coop inherits the Milwaukee Beers . . . but with the added codicil that he must win the championship to keep the team. Dum-dum-DUM! Almost instantaneously, Robert Vaughn and Jenny McCarthy join forces and conspire against Coop's success.
Over at Robert Vaughn's office building, Jenny McCarthy installs some carpeting for him while wearing a slinky tube dress . . . he must have some WEIRD fetishes and then they scheme some more. Afterward, the next season of baseketball starts and the guys pledge to win to honor a fallen Ernest Borgnine . . . and I'm sure keeping the team in Coop's hands is added incentive. In order to facilitate the win, Coop drinks some of Marlon Brando's fat in an attempt to psyche out a competitor but Doug rules the day by spraying male breast milk on him. I guess he's been hanging out with Nathan Jones.
After the Beers' victory, Robert Vaughn meets with Coop because he wants the sport to go a little more corporate and, hence, become a little more profitable. Honestly, I see nothing wrong with that; why would anyone invest in an unprofitable venture? Then again . . . that would mean the end of the NHL. Oops. After Coop thwarts Robert Vaughn's sensible proposal, the Milwaukee Beers go on tour to face teams filled with wacky, city-themed stereotypes, like the San Francisco Ferries and the New Jersey Informants. Har har. Later, in San Antonio, Coop pretends to cut his own finger off in an attempt to psyche out an opposing player . . . and it works! Yay!
Sometime later, Coop and the HOT CHICK visit some kid (Trevor Einhorn) in the hospital. Coop gives the kid a ball which would get him arrested in most states . . . unless he were a Catholic priest and then Doug shows up with coffee and a muffin for the HOT CHICK. After Coop shoos Doug away, he asks the kid what the kid wants before he dies; the kid, looking death squarely in the face, wants to help out and kill other things and people. The HOT CHICK talks him out of that idea, so he settles for banging Chelsea Clinton. Coop talks him out of that idea, so the kid lowers his expectations and just wishes to hang out with the team for one day.
As part of the wish, the guys, the HOT CHICK, and the kid all do yard work and work on cars together. Then, perhaps to relax from their busy day of work, they all go to a rub-n-tug and a local bar, where everyone does shots while watching Jerry Springer. After the gas guy hits on a tranny at the bar, the kid requests that Coop hit three homeruns for him in the next game . . . which happens to be that evening. At the game, the guys play drunk and Coop falls into the fake garage while running out a homerun. Meanwhile, the kid is getting a life-saving liver operation . . . which pretty much makes the whole point of the HOT CHICK's charity moot, doesn't it? While the gas guy watches the tranny in the stands and the kid gets his liver, Coop tries for his third homerun of the game . . . but he falls asleep in a drunken stupor instead. With the kid's wish unfulfilled, Coop and his buddies rush over to the hospital where they believing the kid to be dying electrocute the kid and then blackout the hospital in a convoluted series of events.
Back at home, Coop freaks out because his friends taped over the end of the Reggie game even though it amazes me that he can have a videotape from 1977. I guess I'll just have to suspend disbelief . . . as usual. While Coop mourns the loss of his videotape, the HOT CHICK visits and reveals that the kid is fine after all. She then grabs an old picture of Coop and the guys from five years previous and then she and Coop bond over it . . . and make out a bit. Unfortunately, Doug shows up to break up the fun or try to get in on a threesome but Coop isn't happy with the rude interruption.
Later, Robert Vaughn requests an audience with Doug; Doug heads over to the office building where he finds Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in a cage. Is it just me or is that vaguely racist? Either that, or I'm becoming . . . politically correct! Noooooooooo! Apparently, Robert Vaughn wishes to ply Doug's assent to his evil scheme by paying him more money; unfortunately for Robert Vaughn, Doug is a little too dumb to understand his subtle wiles. At the next game, however, Doug and the other guys are tanking because they do want more money for their sporting skills. Coop, not wanting to sully the soul of the game he helped create and Ernest Borgnine helped to popularize, refuses and argues with Doug. Coop, at wit's end, finally assents by splitting the shares of the team equally among his teammates.
As the season goes on, Milwaukee plays more games and the guys do wacky things to win. Meanwhile, Robert Vaughn continues his evil plan . . . this time against the HOT CHICK! In Los Angeles, Milwaukee faces off against a giant Samoan guy (Peter Navy Tuiasosopo . . . who remarkably has never been a professional wrestler); the gas guy psyches him out with a "dead mom" joke. Tragically, it also incurs the giant Samoan guy's ire. Oops. While the giant Samoan guy pummels the gas guy, the HOT CHICK shows up to tell the guys that she got fired or something like that. The guys want to help her out, so Robert Vaughn conveniently shows up to propose a lucrative merchandising deal for her charity. Hmm . . . why do I believe there's skullduggery afoot?
Though Coop objects, Doug and his equal stake in the team agree to the deal and, in the aftermath, he becomes an unlikely fashion mogul. Perhaps to cement his status, Doug also takes time out of his busy schedule of being famous to make the finals-clinching play. Rather than celebrate their success, however, the guys argue after the win in the locker room because Coop isn't happy with Doug's behavior. Before they can come to a compromise or put on pants, Robert Vaughn shows up to blackmail them with information about their menswear line being made in a Calcutta sweatshop and to argue about semantics. After Robert Vaughn drops off his incriminating pictures and takes his leave, the HOT CHICK arrives to yell at the guys . . . and stare at their prodigious junk. After she leaves, Coop tries to kill Doug and then they break up. How tragic!
Coop, in a fit of depression, drives around whatever town he's in and listens to a remarkably plot-relevant song on the radio. Somehow, this song inspires him to visit Calcutta to visit the menswear factory and discover the legion of kids working on the assembly lines. Dum-dum-DUM! Although does that just mean that Robert Vaughn works for Nike? With Coop missing, Robert Stack goes in search of the missing ballplayer because . . . it's an Unsolved Mystery. Either that, or it's just an excuse for Robert Stack to finally star in a film where he can curse a lot. Hilariously, even though Coop is missing, no one or just Doug and the HOT CHICK seems to miss him.
At the championship game, Doug tries to rally the team, but he's unsuccessful until Coop shows up out of nowhere. Elsewhere, the HOT CHICK discovers that Coop fixed the factory situation in Calcutta, earning her respect once more. At the kids' and Robert Stack's urging, the HOT CHICK and the kids head over to the championship which, conveniently, also happens to be in the same city. Back at the game which Milwaukee is losing by an alarming margin, Coop and Doug fight during the 7th-inning stretch festivities. Perhaps to fulfill his destiny of being part of the team, the gas guy yells at them while dressed as a pineapple. After a convoluted series of events, Coop and Doug fall into a pit together and they make up and make out . . . which becomes the prelude to a dramatic comeback.
On the way to the stadium and in a very macabre moment, Dale Earnhardt drives the HOT CHICK and the kids to the stadium just in time for the last play of the game. Luckily for Coop whose lucky, homemade ball pops just before the big finale, the kid with the new liver made him a new ball for just this occasion. After some dramatic TENSION, the ball wins the game for Milwaukee and everyone celebrates. Even Reggie Jackson is on hand to congratulate Coop . . . and also because he wants his third homerun ball . . . even though he doesn't know Coop has it . . . until Coop confesses in a fit of pique. As a denouement, Pat O'Brien gives the guys their trophy, and some blow, and some hookers.
Nearly ten years after this film's release, events in the interim have clouded most if not all of any potential humor . . . and I say "potential humor" because BASEketball really isn't that funny. Most importantly, Trey Parker and Matt Stone who did the film because they believed South Park would be cancelled at any time, have become known as two of the greatest satirists of their era and South Park is a tremendous success. Meanwhile, the Zucker brothers have seemingly fallen out of favor in Hollywood, Scary Movie franchise be damned. Also, two significant cameos have passed and joined the choir invisible Robert Stack and Dale Earnhardt greatly undermining and dating their appearances. In addition, there are just too many oft-pointless cameos to keep track of, like Kato Kaelin who's still milking his "fame" from the O.J. trial to this day as a neighborhood baseketball announcer to Dan Patrick and Kenny Mayne, who just remind me of how good Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann were on SportsCenter. And how bad Kenny Mayne was on Dancing with the Stars. Oh . . . speaking of Dancing with the Stars, Season One champ Kelly Monaco makes a small appearance as a HOT CHICK cheerleader. Ooh . . . nice segueway, huh? Oh, and BASEketball is surely a Misunderstood Masterpiece.
Speaking of segueways, join me next week as I start a trilogy celebrating law, order, and jurisprudence with one of Leonard Hayhurst's favorite films featuring Ernest Borgnine! See you then!
