The 411 Top 5: Week 64
Posted by Trevor Snyder on 06.08.2007
The Top 5 Worst Movie Bosses
Don't you just hate your boss?
Oh, sure, maybe you're one of those lucky few who actually have a nice, cool boss, but even so, there's probably some part of you, perhaps buried deep inside, that doesn't like them. It's just human nature – we will always have a problem with someone telling us what to do, and will therefore always resent our superiors (except, of course, for my 411 bosses Leonard and Ashish…you guys are a couple of the good ones!).
Filmmakers obviously recognize this time-honored tradition of boss hatred, and have certainly kept it going in their own special way themselves, by constantly creating some of the worst bosses ever imaginable. So whenever you get upset because your boss has asked you to work extra hours, do a little more paperwork, stop burning the fries, whatever, cheer up – you could be working for one of these monsters:
THE TOP 5 WORST MOVIE BOSSES
Trevor Snyder
5. J. Jonah Jameson (J.K. Simmons), in the Spider-Man films
Spider-Man fans love J. Jonah Jameson, and why not? He's hilarious, and steals pretty much every scene he's in. Still, that doesn't change the fact that he's a horrible boss. He takes credit for other people's ideas, he pushes his own personal agenda in favor of factual news, and he bases promotions on who kisses his ass the most. And let's not forget that he kinda looks like Hitler.
4. Bill Lumbergh (Gary Cole), in Office Space
Well, no duh, right? After this movie became the cult hit it is, it sure seemed like you heard a lot of people saying, "man, my boss is just like Lumbergh." Wow, if those people are exaggerating, I actually kinda feel bad for those bosses. If they're telling the truth, however, then screw those bosses, because no one should have to deal with a guy like Lumbergh five days a week – six if he asks you to come in on Saturday. And, oh, he will.
3. Frank Hart (Dabney Coleman), in 9 to 5
I'm not a woman, and I've never been sexually harassed, so I won't pretend to know how it feels. I have seen 9 to 5, however, so I suppose there is a part of me that gets it. If all sexual harassment is as creepy as being groped by Dabney Coleman, then ladies, you have my sympathy. As a matter of fact, I'm just gonna go ahead and advocate taking drastic actions against pigs like this, as the women of this film do – trapping Hart in his own house and seizing control of the office.
2. John Milton (Al Pacino), in The Devil's Advocate
Working for your dad can be a real pain in the ass. But when your pops actually turns out to be the devil himself? I'd imagine that's even worse. When Milton recruits young, up-and-coming lawyer Kevin Lomax into his firm, he forgets to mention the fact that he's actually his father, and that he hasn't exactly hired Kevin for his legal skills. Instead, he needs Kevin to sleep with his own sister and father the anti-Christ, in preparation for the upcoming apocalypse. Oh well, details, details.
1. Buddy Ackerman (Kevin Spacey), in Swimming with Sharks
There are a lot of bad bosses in the world, but not all of them actually drive their employees to torture. I guess that's what makes hotshot Hollywood producer Buddy Ackerman so special. Seriously, you may have has someone cut you down in your life, but you don't even know what verbal abuse and humiliation is until you've seen the way Buddy constantly lays into his poor assistant Guy (Frank Whaley). By the time Guy finally snaps, ties Buddy to a chair, and starts giving him forced paper-cuts to the tongue, you can't help but think, "well, yeah, of course…I would have done that a lot sooner."
Bryan Kristopowitz
HONORABLE MENTIONS:
- Goddard Marx (John Glover) in Automatic (1994): He's the president of Robgen Industries, which is in the business of creating home android cyborg bodyguards for every home and family in the world. He puts on a smiling face for both customers and for members of his company's board. Heck, when meeting with his employees he's "nice" to them. Of course, all of that changes when something, anything is about to interfere with "making money." If you're an employee trapped in the building with a runaway android, Mr. Marx isn't going to make an attempt to rescue you. Nope. He's going to bring in a band of psycho commandos to hunt the android down, kill it, and then kill you. And he's willing to fire you if you bring up company policy regarding calling the police. There's nothing worse than a boss willing to do all of that just to save a buck.
- Millard Cunnard (Bill Morey) in Real Men (1987): Cunnard's job, as a CIA section director (I'm assuming that's his title. He is in charge of operations and whatnot), was to send Nick Pirandelo (Jim Belushi) and his civilian rookie partner Bob Wilson (John Ritter) to Washington D.C. to make a deal with the space aliens for the "good package," the one thing that could save the world from total destruction. So that's what he did. The problem was Cunnard was a double crosser. No, he wasn't secretly working for the Russians (those Commie bastards), he was instead working for a secret group within the CIA that wanted "the big gun," a weapon that could "blow a whole planet away." There's nothing worse than being completely sold out by your boss for a gun that could destroy the world.
- Roger Smith (as himself) in Roger & Me (1989): There's been all kinds of yahooing recently over big, fat Michael Moore actually getting an interview with the President of GM, Roger Smith, twice in fact (that's what Citizen Moore claims anyway). The thing is the interviews that don't appear apparently don't do Smith any favors, in that he looks just as clueless, cold hearted, and dinkish. And that's the only thing you can conclude from the documentary's main "villain." He's just a businessman, interested in making money and nothing else. You, as an employee, don't really matter. You can be easily replaced, eventually with someone who will work for much, much less (it's all about exploitation). What a piece of garbage.
THE TOP 5
5. Marshall Murdock (Dick Napier) in Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985)
If you're a Special Forces guy, hunkered down behind enemy lines, doing your job (in this case finding out if there are any POWs left in Vietnam), and an opportunity comes up where you can do more than you were asked and it's a good thing, the one thing you don't need is the guy put in charge basically telling you to go screw yourself, which is exactly what Murdock did to Rambo when he found out that there were American prisoners still in Vietnam and he tried to rescue them. Oh, sure, Murdock was "politically" right in that, even if Rambo had brought back pictures of POWs nothing would have been done anyway and he, Murdock, was just there following orders and doing his job. Yeah, that didn't work for the Nazis, and it sure as heck ain't gonna work for you. Aborting the mission, just when it was getting good, was just the wrong thing to do.
4. Ron Richardson (Martin Mull) in Mr. Mom (1983)
Ron is what you call a "super achiever." He was born into the advertising business, so he didn't really have to work to get into his position, but after running the company for several years, it's obvious that the man does have a knack for the job. He understands the ins and the outs of what it takes to keep the business going and the money flowing. He's willing to work to keep that position. He also has a keen eye for new talent, like Jack Butler's wife Carol. But he's also a bit of a smug prick. He walks around in his three thousand dollar suits, riding around in a limo, eating steak on a private plane (and drinking wine like a wino), and he's a womanizer (going after a married woman when he could get any woman in the world. What a douchebag). And when it's "understood" that, at the company picnic, during the company olympics, the boss has to win, even if he isn't the best, well, who the hell wants to work for that guy? "Tough luck, Jeff." "Jack." "You bet."
3. Captain Haden (Frank McRae) in 48 Hrs. (1982)
When you're a loose cannon, a tough, scumbum cop (Inspector Jack Cates) acting like a "hot dog," the last thing you want is a captain riding your butt, "micromanaging" everything you do. And you sure as hell don't want that guy yelling at you constantly. Even when he's sitting down, trying to be "professional," you can tell that he's just supressing his need to scream and use racial epithets. I don't know about you, but I don't think I could handle being screamed at constantly, even if I knowingly did really stupid, maybe even illegal things. As a cop no less. McRae's captain is, or at least it should be, considered an iconic character. I mean, it was parodied, by McRae, at least twice, so it has to ressonate on some level.
2. The Duke Brothers - Randolph and Mortimer (Ralph Belamy and Don Ameche) in Trading Places (1983)
Rich people suck. Rich, old people, who have been rich since birth (old money) suck even more. And when those old money old men decide to mess around with people's lives (Louis Winthorp and Billy Ray Valentine, Capricorn, are the two prime examples here) and make a wager on the outcome of that messing around, well, you don't get to win the Nobel Prize. And it doesn't help, either, when you're both outrageous racists. And try to corner the frozen orange juice market by getting your hands on the annual "crop report" before everyone else in the world. Belamy and Ameche are so supremely good as the Duke brothers, so slimy, such scumbags, you can't wait to find out if they'll ever fail at their big scam. These are the people who not only make oodles of money by doing basically nothing, who get to destroy people's lives on a sudden whim, but they're also the ones who run the world, and there's not much you can do about them. They're untouchable. Well, in the movie they get it up the butt in the end, but, let's face it, that almost didn't happen. They got beat one time, and while that's all that matters, as we saw later in Coming to America, the scumbag rich businessmen were about to make a comeback.
1. Bill Lumbergh (Gary Cole) in Office Space (1999)
"Heyyyy, Peter. What's happening?" Lumbergh is the guy that not only doesn't inspire you to do a good job, he's also the one that ends up holding you back because he doesn't think you're good enough. And all the while you can't figure out how the hell he even got to his position because you've never actually seen him do any real, actual work. It's like he's a creation of the big bosses, a soulless demon spawn sent from hell to keep you down and make your life miserable. You know, he's like every scumbag jagoff boss you've ever had. A real piece of garbage. And the man keeps asking you to come in to work on the weekends! Don't you do enough for the company during the regular work week? You can take your coffee cup, your suspenders, and you're Hawaiian shirt day and shove them. So, do you think Gary Cole will be remembered for this role more or for his Mike Brady from the Brady Bunch movies? "That would be greeeeat. Thaaaanks."
Jason Chamberlain
5. Rachel Phelps, in Major League
How many owners of pro sports teams actually want their teams to lose? Sure, some owners may not care about the win loss record as much as others, but how many take an active role in ensuring their own team's demise? That's what Rachel Phelps did. The ex-showgirl landed ownership of the struggling Cleveland Indians when her rich husband died, and immediately set about making the team bad enough so that attendance would dip enough to justify a move to Miami. To ensure the success of her plan, she filled the team with minor leaguers, major leaguers past their prime and all sorts of freaks and rejects. When the team started playing well, she gave them a crappy plane to use on road trips. When they kept playing well, she forced them to use a bus. She refused to fix the variety of problems in their stadium, and even took to brow beating the team in their own locker room! As the season progressed and the team kept winning, her plan was doomed, but she still appeared in her private box every game to jeer them.
4. Dr. Evil, in the Austin Powers films
As bosses go, you can't get much worse than Dr. Evil. He's consistently making unrealistic demands of his employees (sharks with laser beams on their heads, secret volcano lairs) and when they don't deliver, he fires them. Literally. He'll turn on even his most loyal servants without a moment's pause, and even his beloved clone Mini Me is expendable. Sure, he'd be inconsolable for ten minutes or so, but then he'd just move on and get another clone. He's hatched a lot of world domination plans, all of which have been foiled by Austin Powers. Although he eventually sees the error of his ways, there's no indication he will become a better employer!
3. Lumbergh, in Office Space
Does anyone represent corporate evil better than Lumbergh? To anyone who fears a cubicle, Lumbergh might as well be the boogeyman. He drones on in a monotone voice about mission statements and TPS reports, strong arms employees into giving up their weekends and moving into the basement to hunt rats, refuses to let you keep company staplers on your desk, and if that's not enough, the bastard drives a Porsche. He doesn't appear to actually do any work of his own, yet his job is always safe. He's a passionless, vanilla example of office life if there ever was one.
2. Darth Vader, in the Star Wars films
How screwed are you when your boss is the Dark Lord of the Sith? For starters, he's not very forgiving of his underling's mistakes. Look at him wrong, or botch an invasion of a Rebel stronghold , and he will hand you your ass in a Pringles can. Or, just crush your neck with the Force. Upstart imperial officers may dig working for Vader because he often grants promotions, but that's only a direct result of the incredible lack of job security you have when you work for him. At least Lumbergh didn't kill his employees upon firing them!
1. Darth Sidious, in the Star Wars films
As bad a boss Vader is, HIS boss is worse. The incredibly manipulative and forward thinking Sidious always stays ten steps ahead of everyone else, and his only motivation is to further his own agenda. His employees are less than fodder to him; even his apprentices are merely tools he uses to further his goals, and he is ready to dispense of any of them if need be. Darth Maul was strictly a weapon of Sith vengeance, who's only purpose was to announce the potential return of the Sith to the Jedi. Sidious used his next apprentice, Count Dooku, to be the face of the Separatist movement in the Clone Wars, until the rise of Anakin Skywalker made him expendable. Taking on the chosen one as an apprentice was a no brainer for Sidious, but even he would have been traded in for a newer model had Luke fallen to the dark side as the Emperor planned. Yep, Sidious is a terrible boss, and he finally paid for it when Vader chucked him down an energy shaft.
Chad Webb
HONORABLE MENTIONS:
-- The Judge (Robert Prosky ) in The Natural, Benjamin Kane (Rob Lowe) in Wayne's World, and Mr. Jared Svenning (Michael Rooker) in Mallrats
THE TOP 5
5. Nicholas Van Orton (Michael Douglas) in The Game
Most of this David Fincher masterpiece has nothing to do with the lead character acting as a boss, but in fact, he is a boss for many parts of the film. He is Nicholas Van Orton, an investment banker, as he informs someone late in the movie. The reason he is put on this list is for one priceless look Douglas gives his new secretary when she wishes him a happy birthday. This guy starts out in the film as a heartless, wealthy, and selfish prick of a human being. He probably would have loved to slap that woman for wishing him a happy birthday more than anything else. How dare her be pleasant? If this wasn't enough, he wastes no time, and shows no feeling when he has to fire a man whom he has known since his father was alive. Van Orton seriously does not care what anyone thinks of him. This is one of Michael Douglas's best performances, and I absolutely love this film. I thought of using Douglas in Wall Street, but this is a pick few would have anticipated.
4. Blake (Alec Baldwin) in Glengarry Glen Ross
Honestly, this was one of the most stunning speeches I have EVER seen in a movie. Alec Baldwin turns in some of the best work of his career, and he is only in this story for a short period of time at the beginning. The profanity flies out of his mouth at a rapid rate. It would be difficult to name a more genuinely blunt and cocky boss. Blake towers over these salesmen with a tirade so verbally intense and magnetic; it will blow your mind. Here is one of his lines that stuck out in my head: "You can't close the leads you're given, you can't close sh**, you are sh**. Hit the bricks pal, and beat it, 'cause you are going out." I don't know about any of you, but if I was pinned down in a job like this, I would not want to cross, or disappoint a man like Blake. Characters swear in movies all the time, but the way in which Baldwin does it here, and in The Departed for that matter, is riveting. In a film filled with unforgettable portrayals, Blake is still the best of this all-star lineup.
3. Miranda Priestly (Meryl Streep) in The Devil Wears Prada
Now, I didn't care for this movie overall, but none of my issues had anything to do with the performance of Meryl Streep. She was magnificent, and if I had this woman as a boss, I would most likely quit after the first day. That is how frightening and intimidating Miranda Priestly is to her employees. There is no way in hell I would be able to stand more than a week with someone so cold-hearted and unapproachable. Miranda is the editor of Runway magazine, and she has more power than any other female boss in the business. It is said in the film that if one can tolerate a year as her assistant; all sorts of doors will open up. It is getting through that year that is the big problem. She is a strict, no nonsense dictator of a leader. The way she throws her coats on the table is just outstanding. Each scene involving Streep is the only electricity contained in this mediocre film.
2. Bill Lumbergh (Gary Cole) in Office Space
What can I say about this guy that hasn't already been said some way or another? Gary Cole is simply hilarious as Bill Lumbergh, manager of Initech, and complete all around jerk. There is a reason why this character will make every list of memorable movie bosses. It is because he reminds us of a boss we have had at some point in the past. The way he pops up when you least expect him to, the way he asks you to work weekends, and most certainly the way in which he carries himself through the cubicles is eerily familiar to all of us. You just want to throttle this man. We have all felt like that at some time. Gary Cole has earned his spot in the history books with this performance. No one will ever stop quoting his lines. I do it all the time.
1. Jeff Sheldrake (Fred MacMurray) in The Apartment
When people discuss this great movie from acclaimed Director Billy Wilder, they talk about Jack Lemmon's delightful performance, or Shirley MacLaine's superb work, but the supporting role of Fred MacMurray as Mr. Sheldrake is as crucial to this film as the other two, in my mind at least. This is a man who caused a woman he is having an affair with (Fran Kubelik), to attempt suicide. She also happens to work for him at the insurance company. MacMurray is a brilliant actor you might know from Double Indemnity or The Caine Mutiny. As Sheldrake, he is a dishonest, contemptible, and conniving piece of sh**. This is the kind of dude who is persuasive and charming to your face, but once your back is turned he'll betray you with no trouble if he wishes. He drags Fran along, promising her that he'll leave is wife, but he never does. Meanwhile, Jack Lemmon's character of C.C. Baxter wants to get under the boss' wing and stay there, but has to deal with Sheldrake using his apartment constantly for his regular "dates." Sheldrake acts as the puppeteer, and he toys with the lives of these people so splendidly, so convincingly, and with so much authenticity that I had to name him as my #1 selection for worst movie boss.
Owain J. Brimfield
HONOURABLE MENTIONS:
Nicholas van Orton (Michael Douglas) in The Game, Jack Lipnick (Michael Lerner) in Barton Fink, and Warden Norton (Bob Gunton) in The Shawshank Redemption
THE TOP 5
5. Paul Smecker (Willem Dafoe) in The Boondock Saints
Willem Dafoe is creepy at the best of times, but when he's playing a transvestite? Euuuggghhh. Smecker is a by-the-book detective whose uncanny ‘intuition' leads him to ballet dance around crime scenes, sniff the air frequently, dress in women's clothes and make out with mafia henchmen. Really, why would you want to be in the same room as this guy, let alone work for him?
4. White Goodman (Ben Stiller) in Dodgeball
One of Stiller's very few bearable performances, White Goodman is a cretin of the highest order and his almost no redeeming features, save his inflatable crotch piece. Five minutes with the guy is enough to despise him; working a nine-to-five under his tutelage would surely drive one to madness and suicide.
3. Ward Abbott (Brian Cox) in the Bourne films
When your boss attempts to kill you during your duties, sends a crack team of hitmen after you, destroys all of your official records and frames you as an international terrorist, it's safe to say it won't be a quiet day in the office. Abbott's real motivations are yet to be revealed in this summer's The Bourne Ultimatum, but no matter what the denouement it's conceivable that Jason Bourne may slightly regret taking the job on Abbott's team.
2. Stansfield (Gary Oldman) in Leon
As corrupt cops go, they don't get more devious than the coke-snorting, child-killing, obsessive monster that is Stansfield. He may only seem to be in charge of a reprehensible gang of criminals, but even they are terrified of him, and his single-minded determination to kill loveable old Leon doesn't exactly endear him to the viewer. One of Oldman's scariest roles.
1. Bill Lumbergh (Gary Cole) in Office Space
Here I was thinking this was a cult movie, but it seems as though everyone on the 411 staff has seen it and loved it. There's no more to add about the comedic genius of Lumbergh that hasn't been said by other 411ers, save to mention his ridiculous non-sequitur of a cameo in Family Guy and to point out that he seems to have stepped straight out of a Dilbert comic (back when they were good).
Congratulations to good ole Lumbergh, who pulls off a perfect Top 5 sweep – managing to make an appearance in every single list this week. I guess there's not like there was any doubt, but still, quite the achievement.
Next week, we blaze it up and continue our look at common movie archetypes, with The Top 5 Movie Stoners.
