A Fool's Utopia 06.24.07: Fall TV Preview Part 3: CBS

Posted by Ron Martin on 06.24.2007

This week in one man's utopia: What the hell is Cirque De Soleil, ladder matches, dwarf tossing and Scooby Doo

-- Last week it was with great disappointment that I had to tell you, the loyal reader, that my dark horse of a network, FOX, had virtually nothing to offer you this fall other than the same old crap that every out of touch network executive thinks America wants based on some survey done in a mall in the middle of Buttocks, North Dakota that had exactly 30 participants. This week my hope is that better things will come with CBS. I mean, they are the #1 network; they must be on the cutting edge of television, right? Or are they what my friend tells me they are, Crappy But Safe. We'll see what ol' CBS has at the plate.






Kid Nation -- Wednesdays, reality. Here we go. Forty kids are given an abandoned town and basically told, "make it work". From what I can tell, there are four groups and each group elects a leader to be on the council. The kids have to do everything themselves from washing their clothes, to running businesses to cleaning poop craplets off the back of the port-o-pottie. No one is eliminated, you only leave when you want to. Let's take a look at this, shall we. First of all, it's all kids. Strike One. From what I've seen, either these are the most literate and well spoken 8-15 year old kids of all time or they only actually said three minutes worth of dialogue that made sense for a preview. As if running a town isn't hard enough, the kids are separated into "classes" based on challenges. For example, there's the upperclass, the laborers, etc. Strike Two. The winning team gets to choose prizes for the town, such as a library or a video arcade. I'm sure that was a tough choice. Strike Three. You're Oooouuutttt! I won't say this is the worst idea for a reality show ever, but it's something they'll be looking back on in twenty years and say "We put that on TV? Are you kidding me?" Don't bother, just read Lord of the Flies.



Viva Laughlin -- Sundays, drama. So they're relying heavily on Hugh Jackman to sell this thing. He's in all the promos and his name is dropped like four times in the description. Here's the problem – he's not even a regular on the show, just a recurring character. Strike One. The actual characters of the show will find themselves in an Americanized version of the BBC show Viva Liverpool. In case Viva Liverpool doesn't ring a bell with you, let me explain. There's a casino opening up in Nevada. Laughlin, Nevada that is. Don't worry the action doesn't revolve around the boring and dreary activities that daily life in a casino would offer, but around the numerous murders that shall take place here. Strike Two. It doesn't end there. The excitement never stops in Laughlin, because they like to randomly break out into song. Yes, this is a musical. Just what the world was waiting for a singing, fruity Wolverine. Strike Three. You're Oooouuuttt!. I am wondering if this will get as many episodes as Cop Rock.




Big Bang Theory -- Mondays, comedy. I guess "nerds" are the next big thing. From the producers of Two and a Half Men comes this comedy that surprisingly has nothing to do with the creation of the universe. Ball One. The show stars the kid who played David on Roseanne and some other dude I have never seen before as two supernerds living together and guess who moves next door? If you said a super hot chick then you are a master of sitcom classic situations. Strike One. Of course, the girl is as dumb as they guys are smart (she's a vegetarian who eats fish and the loves and occasional steak). The "comedy" comes as these two socially awkward nerds try to woo the girl. I know I threw a strike on the one classic sitcom stereotype that shows up in the series, but this does ring true to the classic sitcom format. It's a sitcom that has actual situations (like the girl's shower is broken so she has to use the neighbors) instead of a sitcom sans situation but heavy on the talking. Ball Two. The acting is stiff and rough, (Strike Two) but the lines are actually somewhat humorous. Ball Three. I've been beaten down by TV enough to readily accept ‘somewhat humorous' as the best I'm going to get. Batter take your base! Give it a shot, but I make no promises.



Cane -- Tuesdays, drama. This Jimmy Smits vehicle is not about Abel's brother, nor the backstory of Glen Jacobs. Though, I would venture to guess that either would make for a more original story. Let's see The Sopranos is off the air, so let's do our own cheap, low-rate version on network TV. Strike One. The Duque family came to America and struck it big with their own brand of rum. After that, it's Sopranos lite. Smits face is all over this thing, and his last name isn't even Duque. But, I understand that, as much as I rant about it. You want your big face out there selling the show. The show, however, seems very over the top and soap opera-ish. It's even sold as a "soapy drama." Strike Two. They're trying to set up the Duques as a mafia type family with hits out and cop bribes. Here's the problem. The Duques (a name that does not roll off the tongue) cannot cuss outside of the occasional "ass" and "bitch" and I am sure the violence will be scaled back. Oh, and the nudity will exist in the same dimension as my Pulitzer Prize. If you're interested in a network TV version of The Sopranos, this is for you. If you have a brain, then pass. Strike Three. You're Oooouuttttt!

As a fan of the Indianapolis Colts, I find myself watching CBS religiously in the fall. With that comes the annoying announcement approximately once every .345 seconds that they are the #1 network in the country. Not for long with new lineups like this. Big Bang Theory is a safe stereotypical sitcom. That was pretty much the only reason that I let it get on base. Is it wrong to pity the #1 station

Show that never got up to bat: Moonlight is your basic private eye drama. Only the dick is a vampire. The first line of the preview is "Being a vampire sucks." Be glad I didn't preview this one. Swingtown is about the life of a couple who moves into the middle of swinging partner orgy and how they deal with it. Hmmm…this sounds like a pretty good porno, but as a straight drama? I don't want to see swingers and have to rely on the elusive sideboob action for material.

Show currently on CBS worth watching: How I Met Your Mother, Two and a Half Men, NFL Sunday Football, Cold Case, Ghost Whisperer, Numb3rs, The Late Show with David Letterman and Jericho if it gets back on as a midseason replacement as is rumored.

Up Next Inning: ABC

-- It was a dark and stormy night. I was alone. On the couch. I was writing something, I can't remember what. I had Monday Night Raw on the television, but muted. I paid little or no attention to it. After the show was over, I accidentally unmuted the TV. Law and Order: Special Victims Unit was on. For some reason that shall be known only to history and God, himself. I watched it. Afterwards, Law and Order: Criminal Intent came on. I watched it as well. Why? I think I am developing sadomasochistic tendencies. These shows have terrible writing that happens to be about ten times better than the stilted and unbelievably horrendous acting. The detective on Criminal Intent figured out the entire crime in the first two minutes of the show. This Law and Order phenomenon – I just don't get it. My mom loves them though.

-- Now, I listen to a lot of sports related podcasts. Maybe two hours worth every day that I work. Almost at least once a day, some talk radio ex-jock or some current jock being interviewed talks about how hard it is to have a dynasty in the age of free agency. Honestly, I just don't see it. In the NFL, the New England Patriots won three championships in four years. The Indianapolis Colts have been dominant every regular season for the last few years. In the NBA, the San Antonio Spurs have won three championships in five years. Before them the Los Angeles Lakers won three in a row. So what do you have to do to be a dynasty? I keep hearing about this parody in the league, but last year it was Colts vs. Patriots in the real Super Bowl. It was San Antonio smacking down Phoenix and LeBron James both with alarming ease. The only league where there's actual parody is the only one without a salary cap: MLB. Different champ each of the last five years. Even then, it's always about the Yankees and Red Sox – everyone else is second-class. I spit in the face of those who say dynasties in this day and age are impossible.

-- Three random reviews of three random DVDs from my not-so-random collection:



1. Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me -- I was never a big fan of the first Austin Powers movie. I don't know why. It was okay, but nothing I was very interested in. I pretty much went to see this movie based on that fact that Heather Graham was in it. Any opportunity for me to stare at Heather Graham for two hours shall not be passed up. It's one of my personal commandments. How surprised was I when the parade of characters had me in stitches. Fat Bastard; mini-me; Scott Evil; Number One – I loved them all! After a couple of viewings, Austin has the side effect of getting grossly on your nerves. It takes everything in my loins to not FF through the Austin scenes to get to the Dr. Evil scenes. If an Austin scene is Heather Graham-less, forgeddaboutit – that's got FF written all over it. This is the funniest of the Austin Powers movies by far. 4/5



2. Scooby Doo, Where Are You? First six episodes -- This is the first six episodes, pilot included. I got this for $5.50 at the big W. It was a steal. These episodes are what the Scooby Doo mythology would be based on – including the live-action movies. Daphne gets kidnapped? Check. Trap doors? Check. Scooby and Shaggy inadvertently the gang's overly elaborate trap? Check. Giant sandwiches? Check. Velma loses her glasses? Check. Fred being ambiguous? Check. Secret stoner references? Check. It's all there. Scoob and the Gang don't mess around they found their niche from day one. To me, that's a good thing. 4.5/5



3. Can't Hardly Wait -- I can't remember how I got roped into seeing this movie the first time. I'm thinking it was on the advice of the local video store guy. I'm glad I did. I remember seeing the previews for this and dismissing it as your average teen party schlock. Somebody gets drunk, somebody else gets laid, a third person gets drunk and laid. I wasn't wrong. That's pretty much what it is, but it does it well. Jennifer Love Hewitt is pretty forgettable in this movie, but Seth Green portrayal of wigger "Kenny" is unmatched. This movie is proof that sometimes a strong cast can make an average script shine. Several directing decisions (such as the opening yearbook sequences) that are gimmicky actual serve to help the movie rather than hinder it. 4/5

-- There is a movie version of Sex in the City on its way. More importantly, a live-action Thundercats is in its infant stages. We are one step closer to Don Imus playing the role he was meant to play --- Mummra!

=

You heard it here first!

-- So I just bought the WWE DVD, The Ladder Match. The first thing I noticed on the cover was the list of superstars included: Edge, Shawn Michaels, The Hardy Boys, Bret "The Hitman" Hart, Eddie Guerrerro, Chris Benoit and Chris Jericho. Notable by their absences are The Dudley Boys, RVD and Christian. Telling since Christian is in no less than a third of the matches on the DVDs. But I can understand that. You certainly don't want to give promo space to wrestlers wrestling for the competition. Something I can't understand: No Wrestlemania 2000 match?!! This was the match that started the craze. It wasn't officially a TLC match, though it involved all said international objects. How do you include a Jake Roberts vs. Junkyard Dog match from the 70s that a ladder makes a cameo appearance in, and not this match? If this DVD set ever comes up in the review portion of this column, it will not be receiving a score higher than 4 for just that reason.

-- Here we go. Bust out the VHS of the old buddy film, put on your old roller skates and bring the noise cuz it's time to get RETRO in this mofo.

I know on these retro dealies, I often show my age – I AM OLDER THAN JESUS! And I'm going to do it here again. The little lady and I went to Paramount's Kings Island just yesterday. It's your typical amusement park. Lots of roller coasters, not much else. Back when I was a kids, it was full of Hanna-Barbera stuff. Scooby Doo, Yogi Bear and Fred Flinstone was as far as the eye could see. There were areas for Rivertown and Oktoberfest with appropriately themed attractions and restaurants. Now everything is Nickelodeon or movie-themed. Rides are called Faceoff and Top Gun instead of The King Cobra or the Screamin' Demon. I know it's because I'm old, but it just seems to me that these are unimaginative and have less character. Oh well, the kids today will be ranting the same thing in twenty years about how everything used to be about Spongebob and now they are all crap cartoons.

It was funny to see some of the old buildings and restaurants with their old themes still in tact but something entirely different taking place in the building. Kings Island – the only place where you can see a Panda Express in a building that the architecture obviously reads German beerhouse. How about a Subway in an old school Coney Island snackshop?

Kind of in the same vane, I miss when ESPN used to have to claw and scratch to get 24 hours worth of sports coverage. Back in the day, before they would show Sportscenter 6 times a day, ESPN would actually try to fill its airwaves with sports all the time. This led to some of the greatest sports coverage of our time. I remember as a yute being glued to the TV for the International Putt-Putt Golf Finals. Or women's team bowling from Chicago. What about a little late night ping-pong? Now between poker and a who cares attitude, ESPN no longer has tie for Scandinavian Dwarf Tossing. I can't wait for THE OCHO!

-- For the most part, I hate remakes. Unless the movie being remade is over 50 years old, I just don't understand it. I've ranted about many times. However, I love cover songs. Does that make me a hypocrite?

-- Add this to the ‘Things I Just Don't Get' category, which unfortunately gets longer and longer each week. I heard one of the podcasters go off about Cirque De Soleil and how much better it was than a regular circus. My only experience with Cirque De Soleil is the Super Bowl pre-game show, which I thought was horrible. Maybe it's because I am a Midwestern as someone has explained to me, but I just don't see what the big deal is. To me, it was like an overhyped overfunded high school flag squad.



-- Your podcast review for the week: World of the Unexplained. I'm going to go ahead and give you the benefit of the doubt that you can probably figure out that is podcast is of a paranormal nature. It was started by J. Scott. in 2002 as a terrestrial radio program, discontinued as its host went to college and then reinvented once internet radio hit big as a podcast, picking up a co-host in Trent Lackey. In the beginning this was a decent show. Scott was an average interviewer, but he went after guests that seemed to slip through the cracks of other paranormal talkshows. He managed to get guests like Lorraine Warren as well, but case in point, he talked to Mollie Stewart. Mollie started her own business in Salem, Mass with a ghost hunt tour and eventually a paranormal museum. It was Mollie's tour that I learned about ghost hunting and took it up as a hobby. Thus, how I found the podcast. He had Mollie on, and it was a good show. A year later he had Mollie on again. The difference this time, J. Scott had found God. Mollie is an active voodoo practitioner. J. Scott took it upon himself to spend the better part of the interview attempting to discredit voodoo in favor of Christianity. Now, I've no problem with Christianity, but for the sake of a podcast –especially on that discusses paranormal topics, it may be best to leave religion out of it. I didn't sign up to here a sermon. Unfortunately, the few shows I have listened to since then have been the same. If you go to the site, download some of the old archives and you'll find a decent show. Anything previous to late 2006 is a pretty decent show. Anything after, you're taking your chances. 1/5

IT CAME FROM MY IPOD
This week my ipod celebrates the first day of summer

1. Girls of Summer by Aerosmith
2. Summertime by DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince
3. Sweating Bullets by Megadeth
4. You are My Sunshine by The Soggy Bottom Boys
5. Sunshine by Aerosmith


Now, I must leave you.

I got a new ipod and am looking for more music to fill it up! Any suggestions? I like a little of everything save for country music (though I do like bluegrass). Rock is my favorite, but I like hip hop, old school rap, comedy, pop, new age, new wave, hair metal, swing, oldies – like I said, everything except for country. Otherwise, until next week – watch your back!